Tagged post bipolar omega

What are you sorry for?

If it really counts, there is too much to apologize for.

Xie Zhitang buried his head in the pillow and didn't speak any more, but the pillow was soon soaked, and the light-colored pillow slowly became dark from the bottom of Xie Zhitang's eyes, spreading outward.

Lu Jinsen looked at him for a while, then asked helplessly, "Why are you crying again? You will cry out all the water you just drank."

Xie Zhitang cried for a while and suddenly couldn't control himself and yelled at Lu Jinsen: "I just want to cry! I can't help it!"

Lu Jinsen was taken aback by his yelling, and Xie Zhitang immediately came to his senses, crying and apologizing, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you on purpose, me too, I don't want to be like this..."

Lu Jinsen reached out and patted Xie Zhitang through the quilt. Xie Zhitang whimpered for a while, then suddenly struggled under the quilt.

Lu Jinsen wrapped Xie Zhitang into a sushi shape with a quilt, in order to make the quilt have the same effect as a medical restraint suit, and to forcibly restrict Xie Zhitang's behavior.

Lu Jinsen was fixed tightly, Xie Zhitang struggled out of the quilt, came over for a while and suddenly became discouraged, and asked sullenly, "Why me?"

Lu Jinsen didn't hear what Xie Zhitang said, so he asked, "What's wrong?"

Xie Zhitang lowered his head, buried his face in the pillow and cried, "Why me?! What did I do wrong? Why me?"

Lu Jinsen didn't speak, and Xie Zhitang cried again: "I wasn't like this before, and I don't want to get sick, but I really, really, oh..."

"I'm uncomfortable, I'm really, sorry, I'm really tired..." Xie Zhitang almost burst into tears: "I don't want to do this again! Why me? I really, really worked hard, but it just wasn't good , woo woo..."

Lu Jinsen helped Xie Zhitang brush away the wet hair, and touched his tears.

Xie Zhitang seemed to raise his head slightly and rubbed against Lu Jinsen's hand, but he didn't seem to, but Xie Zhitang didn't speak any more, and just cried in a muffled voice.

The nurse came in quietly, lit the medical kit in Lu Jinsen's hand, took out the sedative, and signaled with his eyes that Lu Jinsen could give Xie Zhitang an injection.

But Lu Jinsen didn't push away to let the nurse come forward like Xie Zhitang's first time when he fell ill. After thinking about it, he shook his head, took out the terminal and typed for the nurse: Xie Zhitang hated injections very much.Since he is not hurtful or self-harming, is it ok to let him cry for a while?It should be over after crying.

After the nurse finished reading, he took the terminal and replied to Lu Jinsen: No injections, it's okay to let him vent his emotions.But when Tangtang fell ill, it was difficult to control, so Mr. Lu should be more careful.

Lu Jinsen took the terminal and put it back in his pocket, nodding to the nurse.

The nurse quietly left with the medical kit.

As soon as the nurse left, Xie Zhitang opened his eyes and asked Lu Jinsen expressionlessly, "Aren't you going to give me an injection today?"

Lu Jinsen saw that although Xie Zhitang's tone was calm, he still felt that he was still awake, so he just said, "I'll just watch you, I won't give you an injection today."

Xie Zhitang stared at Lu Jinsen for a while, wondering which nerve Lu Jinsen's words touched in him, Xie Zhitang broke down again.

"Why? Why are you doing this?" Xie Zhitang writhed like a caterpillar in the quilt, Lu Jinsen immediately stretched out his hand to hold the quilt on Xie Zhitang's body, and fixed Xie Zhitang.

Lu Jinsen couldn't figure out what Xie Zhitang's "this" meant, so he didn't answer him, just patted Xie Zhitang's face and said: "Okay, Tangtang, don't cry, if you cry again, you will become dehydrated."

"Dehydration is dehydration!" Xie Zhitang immediately cried out, "I don't want to take medicine, woo woo woo..."

Lu Jinsen coaxed: "If you don't cry, you won't take the medicine, don't cry, how long have you been crying?"

"I... have to take medicine every day..." Xie Zhitang didn't move, looked up and cried: "I don't want to take medicine, it won't get better, I'll take it for the rest of my life, I don't want to, I don't want to live like this! Do I want to take medicine until I die? !"

Lu Jinsen was silent for a while.

Xie Zhitang's bipolar disorder is almost lifelong.

Even with great luck, Xie Zhitang suddenly recovered.

With the high recurrence rate of bipolar disorder, Xie Zhitang may not be able to escape the recurrence.As Xie Zhitang said, 'taking medicine for a lifetime' is the most basic treatment method.

But Xie Zhitang is still so young.

He has been taking medicine since the year of Dancing Elephant, and it has been seven years since then.

How many more seven-year medicines will he take?Or do you really want to eat from one seven years to ten seven years and then live 'eating to death'?

Lu Jinsen really didn't know what to say, so he kept patting Xie Zhitang's quilt, trying to comfort him.

I don't know how long it took, Xie Zhitang finally stopped crying, lying on the bed with his eyes half closed, lost in thought.

Seeing that Xie Zhitang finally recovered, Lu Jinsen contacted the nanny through the terminal and asked her to wash Xie Zhitang's face.

Naturally, Lu Jinsen didn't dare to leave, fearing that Xie Zhitang would have another accident, he sat by the bed and looked at Xie Zhitang.

The nanny twisted a towel with hot water and wiped Xie Zhitang's face carefully, then wiped his chin and neck, and quietly wiped Xie Zhitang's exposed

Then he turned around and walked out of the room.

Xie Zhitang didn't move and let the nanny wipe it, he couldn't see the crying and fussing just now.

But Xie Zhitang cried a lot of Lu Jinsen's bed sheets and pillows, Lu Jinsen thought for a while and hugged Xie Zhitang together with the quilt, and walked across the living room that was urgently treated by the cleaning staff, and walked into the study.

Lu Jinsen rewrapped Xie Zhitang's quilt tightly, and laid him flat on the sofa.

Xie Zhitang kept staring at Lu Jinsen until Lu Jinsen took out the computer and put it on the coffee table, sat next to Xie Zhitang to read the message sent by the psychiatrist, and asked Xie Zhitang while reading: "Do you need me to contact the psychiatrist for you? "

Xie Zhitang shook his head and said slowly and hoarsely: "No need. Let me doubt myself for a while...don't let me do anything impulsively..." Xie Zhitang did not continue.

Lu Jinsen found a pillow for him to rest his head on and said, "Tangtang, how long have you lived, and there are still many things you haven't seen. Live, and I will take you to see Lu's old house in a few days."

Xie Zhitang didn't answer, slowly raised his eyelids and glanced at Lu Jinsen, saying: "However little time I have to live, I'll live long enough to see your love out.*"

Lu Jinsen stretched out his hand and patted his forehead lightly. Without saying anything, he turned around and continued to read the documents sent by the psychiatrist.

Xie Zhitang lay on the sofa, staring at the ceiling and thinking wildly for a while, then suddenly asked: "Can you have dinner with me?"

Hearing this, Lu Jinsen turned his head to look at Xie Zhitang, and asked plainly, "We're going out to eat tonight, what do you want to eat?"

It took a while for Xie Zhitang to say: "Let's go to the supermarket again."

Lu Jinsen nodded and said, "Eat first." He then asked, "What do you want to eat?"

Xie Zhitang thought about it for a while, but the confused mind is like a rusty gear, it is difficult to turn it.

Xie Zhitang thought about it hard, but his mind was still blank, there was nothing, only pain spreading in all directions.

Xie Zhitang said softly: "I have a headache, you can think about it."

Lu Jinsen didn't question him, and after thinking about several options, he said, "Jiang Haichao opened a club not long ago, let's eat there tonight."

Xie Zhitang said softly "En.", and did not speak again.

Lu Jinsen took out his terminal and sent messages to Jiang Haichao and Li Zhe respectively, and then flipped through the files sent by the psychiatrist.

The content of the psychiatrist's document is how to deal with the sequelae of Xie Zhitang's emotional breakdown. In the appendix, there are also Xie Zhitang's previous illnesses and records of illnesses, as well as records of illnesses of other patients.

Lu Jinsen carefully read the document.

This is not the first time Xie Zhitang has demolished his home, and it certainly won't be the last.

There are photos in the file, with the Xie family in the background.

There are also messy studios, where broken fish tanks spilled water all over the floor, or broken flower pots scattered soil all over the floor.

Xie Zhitang's mania turned into depression Lu Jinsen really felt it.Demolishing the house is mania, and hiding in Lu Jinsen's room crying is depression.

According to the psychiatrist, the more destructive Xie Zhitang was during his mania, the more severe his depression would be after the mania.

Because all the actions he did when he was sick were not from his own will.

Whether it hurts people or destroys things, the more Xie Zhitang irrationally hurts everything around him, the more he will feel guilty and blame himself after he wakes up.

Xie Zhitang was diagnosed with severe depression, and when pushed to the bottom by these negative emotions, it is easy to take extreme actions.

Xie Zhitang had committed suicide before, so it was even more dangerous at this time.Not only did Lu Jinsen sit by Xie Zhitang's side and guard him every step of the way, but the nurses and nanny also came closer to take a look at the door from time to time to ensure Xie Zhitang's safety.

While Lu Jinsen reviewed and approved the documents that should be processed this afternoon, he had a few words with Xie Zhitang in ten minutes to ensure that Xie Zhitang's condition was stable.

Xie Zhitang's state has indeed tended to be stable, but this kind of stability is an extremely low stability for a long time.

Empty and lost, Xie Zhitang was lying on the sofa, his body was tightly wrapped by the quilt full of Lu Jinsen's pheromone smell, making him unable to move.

Xie Zhitang seemed to have nothing in his mind, yet he seemed to have everything.

Xie Zhitang clearly knew his state. He knew that he was in a state of depression. The best solution should be to take medicine and sleep or seek a psychiatrist to relieve depression.

But he just lay quietly on the sofa, lying on the bed full of Lu Jinsen's pheromone, motionless and silent.

It's so tiring.

Tired and weary.

He did something wrong again.

He sometimes couldn't help separating his sick self from his waking self, pretending they were separate identities.

It was only Xie Zhitang who made the mistake when he was sick, it had nothing to do with him.He doesn't have to feel remorse and remorse for that person's actions, because those actions were not at his beck and call.

But Xie Zhitang felt even more guilty just thinking about it this way.

Whether it is Xie Zhitang when he is awake or Xie Zhitang when he is sick, it is undeniable that he is him.

If he wants to separate Xie Zhitang from himself when he was sick, and blame all his mistakes on his illness, then he is trying to deny his own mistakes.

is evading responsibility.

Xie Zhitang opened his eyes in a daze, he knew he was thinking wildly, but he couldn't control his thoughts, couldn't restrain his thoughts.

Xie Zhitang felt like a white dwarf.There is no longer any matter inside to undergo nuclear fusion reactions, so there is no longer any heat generated, but the ultra-high temperature is still maintained.

With no longer a source of heat, the white dwarf gradually loses its heat and cools down.

After a long period of time, the energy of the white dwarf is gradually consumed, and the temperature of the white dwarf will cool to the point where the luminosity can no longer be seen, and it will become an icy black dwarf.

Unless illuminated by the light of other stars, white dwarfs will no longer be observed due to their own light, and will slowly disappear into the universe.

In this way, no new energy will be produced, and the process of gradually cooling down is like Xie Zhitang's current life.

The remaining energy is supporting Xie Zhitang to live, but if the energy continues to decrease, it will eventually clear up.

Xie Zhitang watched himself slowly approaching his inevitable death.

He wondered if all this really made sense.

In the torrent of history, all thoughts and feelings seem so ordinary, boring and meaningless.

Maybe one day he disappears, and the traces left by him will gradually fade away, and then be covered with new traces.

Like he never showed up.

Will the world change for the better?

The world will not change for him alone.

However, the people around him should be more relaxed because of his disappearance.

Xie Zhitang thought about it, and slowly closed his eyes.

The author has something to say: the sentence before the *, However littletimeIhavetolive, I'llivelongenoughtoseeyourloveout.

No matter how short my life is, it will be longer than your love for me.

La Traviata from Alexandre Dumas

There will be one more in a while.

感谢在2020-07-2404:02:42~2020-07-2623:12:46期间为我投出霸王票或灌溉营养液的小天使哦~

Thanks to the little angel of irrigation nutrient solution: 40 bottles of decision; 1 bottle of Y.D;

Thank you very much for your support, I will continue to work hard!