Like Love But Not

We finally entered his ward, he hadn't woken up, there were only the two of us in the room, everything was strangely quiet except for the rustling of branches outside the window.The sky was blue and clear after yesterday's heavy rain, and the mottled tree shadows reflected on the curtains trembled slightly like a heart of anticipation and fear, as if I had returned to a month ago. I waited for him to wake up every day with such a mood. What else can I do in my life other than wait.

So many things, turned around, and returned to this starting point.Like the squirrel in the fable that is always revolving around the tire, I am exhausted but don't know what to do to find the end point, maybe I will still fall to the origin when I am exhausted.Because I don't know what to do at all, the so-called following the feeling is always the beginning of wrong choices for me, and when the rationality knows what to do, the sensibility tells me not to do hypocritical things.

Now he is lying down, unable to feel my presence, and although I am lonely by his side, I am extremely at ease.I was so afraid of doing wrong things and saying wrong words in front of him that I would rather just fall asleep like this. He obviously didn't blame me and didn't hold grudges against me, but I didn't know how to deal with myself day by day.

Fear from love, I didn’t believe in this word before, I thought that since I was afraid, then don’t call it love, now I finally know that every look and word of the other party will be multiplied and stinging in my heart, it’s soul-stirring How can we not be afraid when we are isolated and helpless and have only a little hope but don't know if we can grasp it or not.

If you are afraid, you will know that you are afraid.What a coward I am.

I sat on the side of the bed and waited for him to wake up. Time passed slowly, the sun changed from bright in the morning to bright and warm at noon, and everything seemed to be frozen at this moment.I was still thinking at first, still thinking about how I should smile at him and talk to him when he woke up, but when I thought about it, my thoughts became blank, and became laziness in the long midsummer sun, and became laziness. The simple touch of rubbing his hand against his palm.

Later, I actually fell asleep. At first, I was lying on his bedside, immersed in the fragments of memories, and then I was in a trance.When I woke up, the white lights were dazzling, and it was already dark outside.

He was sitting on the bed, playing with the hair around my ear with one hand, his expression was as focused as teasing a kitten, with a slight smile.I sat up in a daze, and my waist and legs were sore from sleeping for a long time. I don't know when the quilt that covered me slowly slid down from my shoulders.

Seeing that I woke up, he withdrew his hand in embarrassment, and smiled politely, as if we had never lived together for so long.

Finally, I also tasted this kind of feeling. There was nowhere to vent the bitterness in my heart, and I had to work hard to look at him with a smile and keep it for a long time, but I couldn't let him see the signs of being twisted psychologically.

"You've been asleep for a long time." He said, his voice was low and slightly hoarse, which was very exciting.I nodded blankly, he looked up at Zhong, it was already past seven o'clock in the evening.

"When... did you wake up?" I asked him, feeling a little ashamed, I didn't dare to rub my shoulder sorely.I really don’t know why I fell asleep for so long. If Fang Shuyi and the others found out, they would probably drive a non-contributing person like me home immediately.

"In the afternoon. I wanted to wake you up earlier, but... ah, you haven't had dinner yet." He curled his mouth in a vague way, turned around and rang the bell to order food for me: "Your Stomach, it's better to eat three meals on time. I didn't eat at noon, why didn't I pay attention to it..."

"Xiao Heng..." I was flattered by his concern, so I called his name in a daze.He turned his head and waited for me to continue, but I found that I didn't know what to say, and my legs were numb from kneeling on the bedside and sleeping for a long time. I looked at him and felt that it was difficult to even stand up.Just when he was about to be suffocated by the heavy air, he suddenly sighed and said, "I already know that you want to stay with me."

My heart tightened, waiting for him to give me the verdict.He froze for a moment but smiled: "Don't act like you're afraid of me. Since you insist on this matter, I don't want to say anything more. Let's forget about the previous things and live a good ten days." .”

He looked at me with a questioning look in his eyes.I couldn't believe his tolerance. I was ecstatic at first, and then my heart suddenly hurt.I don't want to delve into the politeness that was pretended, why after so much, he still thinks of me regardless of the past.I know the reason for staying by his side. It is not so much to accompany him noblely to make him happy as it is selfish to make my own mood less depressed and entangled, but he is willing to fulfill me, and even now he is still willing to fulfill me. .

"Xiao Heng, I'm sorry, I..." I don't know what I will do, maybe I will continue to explain the scene he saw with Xia Mingxiu that day, or maybe I just feel that I owe too much and want to apologize.But he lowered his head to signal me not to go on, then shrugged helplessly and said: "Luo Yuchen, although I thank you for being willing to accompany me, but... I don't want any promise from you, no matter what it is about. Only this , please abide by it."

I smiled wryly, and could only nod my head. It should have been what he said, and I must have made a big mistake if I made my own claim.Besides, how can I promise?After his operation, I will disappear in front of him. What do I promise, because I think he has been unable to stop hating me all this time, so I lied to him one last time?

Seeing that I agreed, he smiled with satisfaction, sighed again and said, "But... I really don't understand why you signed that contract with Fang Shuyi."

I was stunned on the spot, did he know?Why, didn't Fang Shuyi sternly threaten me before, saying that he must not let him know about this matter?Could it be that his conscience told him, or Lu Weixi...?

Anyway, it's good that he knows, and it means I don't have to leave him after that.I didn't think much of it, and naively thought I guessed the underlying meaning of his statement, and laughed heartily because he didn't want me to sign.This little sweet illusion is enough for me to swell completely in an instant, and I walked over to sit next to him and pulled him into my arms.He froze for a moment, seemed surprised and didn't say anything, just relaxed his body and leaned against my chest.I hurriedly seized the opportunity to lean next to his ear and made an intimate gesture: "Isn't it forced by the situation, do you think I will want to leave?"

"What is forced by the situation... You don't have to use excuses in front of me, right?" He lowered his eyes and said with a little helplessness, "Some newcomers in FA have indeed done better than us in recent years, so there is nothing wrong with your choice. .But the liquidated damages are unreasonably high. You should know your worth. Why didn’t you bargain with them when you signed the contract? And their workload is more than twice that of ours. You are not a teenager anymore. Can you afford such a toss?"

"Ah?" I was confused, he smiled and changed his words: "Well, I won't comment on your private affairs, you can just be happy. It's just Luo Yuchen... you are still a little bit uninterested, then You don't discuss big things with me, are you afraid that I won't let you go?"

He looked at me, finally with a little bit of blame and a deep feeling of betrayal in his eyes.I suddenly realized that his so-called contract and my so-called contract did not seem to be the same thing. I have no idea what liquidated damages FA is!I was about to ask, but there was a knock on the door just at this moment. Fang Shuyi opened the door and pointed to the hanging clock and said to me: "At eight o'clock in the evening, the meeting is over. The patient has a good rest, and you... come back tomorrow."

"Go back early, it's not safe to be late outside recently. Even though you're a boy, you still have to be careful." Xiao Heng tilted his head and said good night to me as if joking. I looked at him and finally knew that I was framed Yes, just as I was about to defend myself, Fang Shuyi had already pulled me to close the door.He covered my mouth from the moment I left the house until I was dragged down a floor by him, and then I broke free and asked him, "What did you sign for me yesterday?"