Su Wei

"At that time, we were under a lot of psychological pressure. We lived in our own world with self-pity and self-pity, thinking that only the other party could comfort us, so I... did it with him." Su Wei leaned against the wall and slowly slid down until he sat down. To the ground: "It's the first time for us, we did it several times before we succeeded... I regret it, I know it's wrong, but I can't control myself at all, it's like an addiction... It's not just physical , the most important thing is psychological, doing these unethical things is like taking drugs..."

Da Huang's heart seemed to be twisted into a ball, making it difficult for him to breathe: "And then? Did you do it in the stairwell?"

Su Wei nodded very slowly: "At that time, the few of us would...not necessarily make the last step, but we would always make out. When the liquid leaves the body, it seems that the troubles of the whole week have been taken away. It's..." He smiled self-deprecatingly: "Is it ridiculous? We were not even adults at that time, but we were crazy as hell."

Every word of his is like scratching rhubarb's heart with an iron comb.Jealousy, sadness, sympathy... all kinds of emotions almost overwhelm Rhubarb.

He bent down, hugged Su Wei's head into his arms, and said softly, "It's nothing, doctor. You have studied in the United States, and you should be more open-minded..."

Su Wei hugged him and cried bitterly.

After a few minutes, Su Wei finally calmed down again.

"That day when we were making out in the stairwell, the door was suddenly opened and a middle-aged man came in... He saw us, he knew Gao Jin, he threatened us to tell our parents and teachers... I was scared, I didn't Knowing what to do, I begged him and gave him money. After he found out that I had money, he blackmailed me and asked me to give him a few hundred dollars a week..." Although Su Wei's family is very rich, the Su family's parents are not Unaccustomed to children, Su Wei, a high school student, does not get much more pocket money than ordinary students every week.

"I don't have that much money, but I'm afraid that he will tell others. If I give him the money, I will go home and steal it... My brother found out. He thought I had made some bad friends again. He scolded me, but I I dare not explain..." Su Wei propped his forehead with his hands sadly: "Brother, he found out that I have a problem and asked me to tell him, but how dare I tell him? I quarreled with him and ran here sadly, thinking of being alone. Sit on the roof for a while, but I... I'm in the stairwell... I..." Su Wei's shoulders began to shake again, and he buried his face in his knees again.

Da Huang patted him on the back: "It's not your fault..." He didn't expect Su Wei to have such a past.In his mind, Su Wei was as beautiful as a god who does not eat the fireworks of the world. Unexpectedly, the gods also had such an unspeakable past.

Su Wei scratched his hair randomly, like a patient on the verge of despair: "I saw Gao Jin giving oral sex to that scum..."

Rhubarb was shocked all over his body.

Su Wei tightened his grip on Da Huang's waist, trembling: "That scum took my money and went to moles Gao Jin, asking him to do those dirty things for him, or tell the parents and teachers. Gao Jin I was very scared, so he did it... I saw them that day, but they didn't see me... I know, I know Gao Jin was forced, I saw him crying in humiliation, but I didn't dare to go out, I Afraid that scumbag will ask me to do the same thing... I have been hiding in the corner, I heard that scumbag say some nasty things, I heard Gao Jin's crying, I dare not go out, I am too scared It's clearly a matter between the two of us, but I cowardly hid and asked him to bear it alone..." Su Wei suddenly retched.

Rhubarb was so sad that he didn't know what to do.He also wanted to vomit, but what he spit out must not be sour water, but bitter water.He could only keep repeating: "It's not your fault..."

He finally understood why Su Wei jumped down at that time.It was not because of his depression, nor because of Yang Shaojun, but the reappearance of scenes such as "stairwell" and "being discovered" stimulated Su Wei, reminding him of that terrible memory. He wanted to escape, so he panicked. Then he jumped out of the window.Later, his own psychological defense mechanism decided that this memory was too unbearable, so he blocked it spontaneously, making him forget this past, until he was discovered by an uninvited guest in the stairwell just now, which stimulated him to think again stand up.

Su Wei wiped away the tears and snot on his face, and suddenly smiled with blurred eyes: "A ridiculous person like me is not worthy of being liked. It's obviously about the two of us, but I cowardly hid and looked at him bear."

Rhubarb couldn't imagine how Su Wei felt when he hid in a dark corner and watched the person he liked being molested. It must have driven people crazy.Even now, when he thinks that Su Wei once had such an unforgettable relationship with a person, and even ten years later, Su Wei will suffer from this disease, he feels uncomfortable and jealous to the point where he can hardly breathe.

He could only hug Su Wei and tell him repeatedly: Those are all in the past, and it's not his fault.

Su Wei kept shaking his head: "I'm not worthy...I'm cowardly, selfish, ridiculous...He came to me and asked me to run away with him, but I didn't dare...I was a little angry, I thought of the scene where he gave that scum a blowjob , I even feel disgusted with him...but it's obviously not his fault, it's my cowardice..."

Rhubarb no longer comforted Su Wei, because he found that it was useless, and Su Wei just kept complaining—this was a manifestation of psychological resistance.Su Wei enclosed himself in such a suffocating environment, willing to suffocate for it.

After a long time, until Su Wei stopped blaming himself, Da Huang handed him a napkin and said in a low voice, "Cry, cry as much as you want, everything will be fine after crying."

In fact, Su Wei has been crying for a long time.But after hearing this sentence, his tears got out of control again.

When Su Wei's eyes were swollen like peaches, Da Huang held his face and couldn't help crying and laughing: "Doctor, you look so cute."

Su Wei sniffed, acting like a child.He bit his lip, lowered his eyes and dared not look at Da Huang: "Lu Xiao, why do you like me?"

Da Huang kissed his eyes: "It's hard to explain love at first sight."

Su Wei said in a low voice: "I don't deserve to be liked..."

Da Huang said: "Whether I like you or not is my business, what do you ask me to do?"

Su Wei lowered his eyes and said after a long time: "You are like this, I feel very uncomfortable...I don't deserve you..."

Rhubarb was silent for a while, then suddenly raised his hand and gave Su Wei a slap in the face.

Su Wei looked up at him in surprise, and Da Huang said, "This slap is for the place where you are sorry for me. If you are not worthy of me in the future, I will slap you."

——Sometimes, too much encouragement is also the cause of depression, because it will make patients feel that they have to be good, otherwise they will be disappointed by other people's expectations.So at this time, Da Huang thought that Su Wei had to find an outlet to make up for his guilt.

Su Wei gently held his hand, and after a while he whispered, "Thank you...Lu Xiao..."

Walking out of the apartment building, a gust of wind blows head-on, blowing away the thick clouds.The sun slowly poured down, illuminating the entire earth.

After Su Wei walked a few steps, Gao Jin suddenly ran up to him and stopped him.

Su Wei was a little scared, and took a small step back: "You..."

Rhubarb immediately stared at him nervously.

Gao Jin's body was soaked in the sunlight and gradually became transparent.He smiled with some disappointment, the smile was as innocent and shy as ten years ago.He said: "Su Wei, I should go... Actually, I left you ten years ago." Su Wei responded in a low voice.

Gao Jin backed away slowly, his figure became thinner and thinner, and finally there was only a sunny smiling face - even ten years ago, Gao Jin almost never smiled like this.

"Su Wei, I forgive you." These were the last words he left behind.

Su Wei suddenly felt exhausted, and an unprecedented ease took all his strength, causing him to fall to the ground.

Da Huang nervously helped him up: "Doctor, what's wrong with you?"

Su Wei closed his eyes, and after about half a minute, he finally said softly, "He's gone..."

Ten years of fetters, finally, there is nothing left.

Rhubarb knew it was the right time.Apart from those emotional entanglements, the source of Su Wei's guilt is "sex".Freud believed that if the development process of sexual psychology cannot proceed smoothly, stagnates at a certain stage of development, or suffers setbacks, it will lead to abnormal psychology and become the origin of various neuroses and neuropathies.Su Wei tried the forbidden fruit prematurely, and it was an abnormal love that was not tolerated by the world; he saw the dirty side of "sex" too early and was strongly stimulated.All these factors caused many psychological problems in him.

After returning home, Rhubarb spent the whole afternoon preparing a hearty meal for Su Wei.While eating, Su Wei looked at Rhubarb hesitantly.Rhubarb poked the rice in the bowl with his chopsticks in some distress, and said pitifully, "Doctor, you can say whatever you want. If you don't say it, I feel very uncomfortable."

Su Wei asked in a low voice: "Do you... hate me?"

Da Huang sighed: "Do you want it or not?"

Su Wei nodded slightly, then shook his head slightly: "I don't think I'm worthy, but I don't want to lose you."

Da Huang feigned anger and said, "Is one slap not enough?"

Su Wei lowered his eyes and remained silent.

Da Huang moved the chair and sat beside him, holding his face with both hands, forcing him to look directly at himself: "Su Wei, stop thinking like this, you are implying yourself psychologically. This is very bad, Gao Jin finally left, I thought you should get out of this predicament."

Su Wei nodded, and gently hugged him, his tone was light, but with a hint of pleading: "Don't leave me... Lu Xiao."

Rhubarb was so soft-hearted that he almost dripped water.He hugged Su Wei tightly, nodded desperately, and knocked on Su Wei's shoulder with his thin chin: "No, Su Wei, I love you, and I will never leave you."

Su Wei sighed softly, and buried his face in his shoulder.

"Lu Xiao, you are my savior."