After the leader of He Sen

I never thought I would have children, I never thought I would be a mother.

Probably because I haven't seen what a good mother should be like, so I don't even know how to imitate, and I have a natural resistance and fear of this role.

When I was young, when other girls wished to be a beautiful bride and a virtuous mother.

The idea never occurred to me.I lack the motherhood that a normal woman should have. I realized that I am a different kind of girl. I don't want others to find out, so I hide it carefully.

Just one person has to use all his strength to live, and there is really no extra strength to bear another little life that is completely attached to me.

"Looking at Lixiang's seriousness, I thought it was an important decision." Mori Ogai exaggeratedly let out a sigh of relief, "This is nothing out of the ordinary, it's obviously a very normal way of thinking."

"Won't Lin Taro think this is selfish?" He accidentally revealed his thoughts and was criticized by other girls in the music club.I remember the look in her eyes at that time, as if she was looking at aliens who did not follow the rules of society.It is short of saying that a woman who does not want to be a mother is not a woman.

I actually knew I was sick.Sensitive, low self-esteem, slightly lower self-worth assessment.

Even though I am like this, when I meet someone I like, I become in love. I, who can sacrifice and accommodate others unconditionally, also have a bottom line that I can never touch.

That is the child.

I definitely don't want kids.

If it's just me, then all the pain and regret will be borne by myself, and it's fine for me to bear it alone.But if there is a child, then she who was forced to be born will have to bear the pain with me.I'm not strong enough, gentle enough, don't have a lot of money, and don't have a lot of love, know how hard it is to live in this world.I don't want her to come here and suffer.

Mori Ogai was keenly aware of my emotional turmoil, and reached out to hold mine, "What does Lixiang think is selfish?"

He said that he used to be a surgeon and was very good at using a scalpel. After that, I began to observe his fingers intentionally or unintentionally. They were long, warm, and fair. "

When I spoke, he listened carefully, never distracted, and his wine-red eyes were always gentle, "Isn't that all right? Not wanting a child is not so much selfishness as it is a kind of responsibility. Only when it is born It would be considered selfish if you don’t ask about it.”

"Rintaro doesn't want a child?"

"No." He denied it without a pause.

I don't quite believe it, after all, his bad taste is on the surface, "But Alice... your abilities are all like a little girl, and you are very keen on buying Alice a small skirt."

He coughed twice.

"But I like Lixiang better, and I don't want to lose the love Lixiang gave me for my child's birth share, which will take up our little time together." His fingers gently rubbed the back of my hand, "Besides, childbirth is inherently dangerous. I don't want you to take such a risk. Besides, Lixiang doesn't like children, so I don't want to force Lixiang to do something she doesn't like and be hated."

Speaking of the second half, his voice changed from a calm adult to a little childish, with tail flicking at the end, and a coquettish tone.

This person is obviously older than me, but he is very good at acting like a baby to me.

Memory is like a jigsaw puzzle, piece by piece to complete an incomplete and awkward life.

In the first week, he met Mori Ogai for the first time, fell in love, and was put into a black box by him and drifted along the river.

His deliberate approach in the second week, what he did and said after he became a mermaid halfway through, I deliberately erased my memory after changing from a mermaid to a human...

All of them came to mind.

Headache.

My feelings towards Mori Ogai are too complicated.Love, regret, sadness, apology, and many other emotions that cannot be explained in words.

My heart is full of pity, gratitude, heartache, and apology for the child who came unexpectedly, the child who sacrificed his life to become the butterfly curse spirit because of my willingness to commit suicide.

However, there is no love.

I couldn't love this child, the motherhood that didn't exist in me didn't grow out of knowing it existed.

There was even resistance.

I am no longer me, I have deprived a life of the right to come to this world, not only depriving it, but also turning it into a cursed spirit who can only live and die with me.Parents who ignore their children are hundreds, thousands of times worse than bad parents.

I am no longer me, but me with another life on my back.The thing I most wanted to avoid, the thing I least wanted to happen, still happened.

Before, I thought that I was able to live again because I accepted the gift of life, but now it seems that it is not a gift, but a curse of betting my life.

The most ridiculous thing is that this child I cannot love has inherited my ability to fulfill any wish of my beloved.

She can grant my wishes, and her true love is me.

Grow my mutilated left leg so I can take the form of a mermaid.

The balance of love is seriously tilted to one side.I am so sad.

"I'm sorry..." I pressed my heart, "I'm sorry."

Butterfly flaps its wings lightly, it is a gentle and good boy, it seems to say it's okay, and it seems to say that it likes you.Or maybe both.

"Is it because I promised Gojo Satoru to adopt me when I was a child, and you are worried that the timeline will change, so that you will not appear and I will die, so you forced me to bring me to this place?" I asked her softly, Look up and look around this vast sea.

Knowing her true identity, I could hear her words through the frequency of her flapping her wings.

She said yes.

"Then why did you send me to this timeline?" Being able to freely switch between mermaid and human forms means that I can still use abilities, but every time I wish to return to the original timeline, I can't achieve it .

Butterfly Curse Spirit: "Hateful."

I repeated suspiciously: "Hate?"

"Don't call me Mom, don't call me Mom."

"That's it, I understand." Because he hated the little girl named Mei, he refused to go back for a long time, which was the jealousy of a child.

"It's okay if you don't want to go back for the time being, can you let me wake up first? They will be worried."

The butterfly struggled and flapped its wings quickly: "Hibernation! Hibernation! Protect mother!"

"It'll be fine," I comforted her, "I won't let Gojo Satoru adopt my current self, I will let you survive, and I will survive."

My promise to her was believed.The big reef under my feet is disappearing, and the surrounding sea surrounds me. I don't seem to be as afraid and loathe the sea as before, and I don't feel sick when I smell the salty sea breeze.

In the dream I had before, I was trapped in a light golden ball of light, and my vision was pure black for a while, and lapis lazuli blue for a while.It turned out that it was not a dream, it was a butterfly carrying my soul and walking up the river of time, it was a real memory.

I woke up.

In front of him was the suddenly enlarged face of Little Bones.His dark eye sockets set off a naive expression.

The hospital bed was surrounded by a group of people.

"You've finally woken up." Gojo Satoru put his pockets in his pocket and looked down at me with a cool expression.

I just sat up straight, and his words came over like money: "I really convinced you, since interfering with Xiao Lixiang's life would threaten your life, or even make you disappear, why didn't you hurry up?" explain?"

"I... I said it before." I tried to refute. When he said he wanted to adopt me, I asked where I would go now, but Gojo Satoru didn't understand what I meant at all.

He replied fiercely: "Where is it?"

"Click, click!" The little bone was between us, telling him not to attack me any more.

"Get out of the way," Gojo Satoru nimbly pushed aside the small bones, "I still have something to ask about the true identity of the butterfly curse spirit on the chest."

Originally pretending to bite Wutiao Wu's small bones, he was stunned when he heard this question and did not move anymore.

"Jie said, was this butterfly curse spirit transformed by your child?" He asked awkwardly.

It seemed that Xia Youjie told them everything he saw. I was silent for a while, and answered bravely, "Yes."

"What... what?! It's actually true?" It was rare for Gojo Satoru to show a shocked expression, but it was in this way.

Forget about Wujo Satoru, Little Bones also looked like he had suffered a major blow, and stayed where he was.

"You—" Wutiao Wujo hesitated to speak, "When did you have a child? Have you ever had a boyfriend?"

I was thinking about how to reply him, and he continued to ask, "How old are you?"

"21."

He choked up, "21? Still young?"

Me: ...you are five years older than you who are 16 years old.

I looked at Xia Youjie, it seemed that he didn't tell them everything he saw, at least he didn't mention the time travel.

Xia Youjie blinked, "I just said the identity of the curse spirit, and I haven't had time to say anything else."

Facing the piercing eyes of several people, even Nitro was rarely curious, but I was still in a state of confusion, so I didn't have the heart to tell them the whole story, so I found an excuse: "That... I want to rest first Let's talk about this later, okay?"

Gojo Satoru was obviously dissatisfied with my answer, but he still reluctantly forgave me, "I really can't do anything about you, so you should rest first. We'll come and see you at night."

Several of them left one after another, and only Little Bones and I were left.

"Click." He pulled my quilt and lifted it up, "Click."

"I've been sleeping for a long time, and I can't continue to sleep." I lifted the quilt, put on my slippers, and went straight to the window.

Looking down from here, one could just see the three of them who left were about to walk towards the hospital gate.

Gojo Satoru, who is quite sensitive to sight, turned his head and looked up again, facing me by the window, pushed back the sunglasses that had slid down the bridge of his nose, and waved to me as farewell.

The chic posture seems to have been rehearsed many times in private.Definitely feel good and feel good looking.

But it's really handsome.

I waved to him too.

Little Bones came over with warm water, "Click."

I looked away from the three people who left, and picked up the water glass, "Thank you, little bone."

After moistening my lips with water, I leaned against the window with a glass of water in my hand, and when I saw my face reflected in the circular water, I was stunned again.

"Click?" What are you thinking?

Little Bones leaned over.

"I'm thinking about a lot of things, because my brain is full of information, so I'm slowly digesting it." About Mori Ogai, about Butterfly Mantra.

Little Bones pointed at my heart with his index finger: "Click?" Curse spirit?

Relying on the cuteness of the little bones, I started to say what was in my heart without any grudges: "Half and half, besides Little Butterfly, there is also my former lover. I used the ability of the magic spirit to forcibly forget him, and now, I recall all of them. stand up."