between men and women

One hundred and thirteenth post

I found a can of Coke from the corner of the kitchen, opened it, took a sip, and smiled at Chen Fang, feeling a little sad.

In fact, Peng Zhiran and I didn't have much, but from [-] to [-], we were like all people who were in love. As time went by, our love no longer returned to the ardor of the past.

Perhaps this is the process that every relationship must go through.From being gluey to gradually cooling down after getting used to the existence of the other party, to being tired of having to consider the other party's ideas in everything you do, and to accommodate the other party, and finally sublimating from boredom to a never-ending relationship.

But I don't know how many people's love can only stay after cooling down in the end, but fail to reach the end.

Wilde said that there are two major tragedies in life, not getting what you ask for and getting what you ask for.

In the ten years from [-] to [-], I think the years between us can be called what we wanted, so, from [-], we need to taste what we want The taste it brings.

Those who have not experienced it will not understand what a magical feeling it is when love ferments over the years.This kind of change is little by little, you don't even know when it starts to deteriorate, but the change is actually there.

This kind of change may even make you feel that the other party has become unbearable for one minute, but feel that you still love him very much the next second.People's hearts are really complicated things, so complicated that I can't use words to record the subtle changes that happened in the next ten years.

I don't know if I'm old. In the first ten years when I was with Peng Zhiran, I seem to be able to remember what I did every day, every month, every year. When I think of many trivial things in those years, I can vividly remember them. What happened to him in the past ten years has become more and more blurred, and he can't even remember why he quarreled a few days ago. harm.

In fact, Chen Fang has some credit for writing this story.In the autumn of [-], Peng Zhiran and I had the most frequent quarrels.

The most time, we quarreled three times a week, and after the last quarrel, we didn't say a word for five days.

In fact, in the past ten years, how could two people not quarrel when they were together.I remember that after I was accepted by both parents, I quarreled with Peng Zhiran. One of the things Peng Zhiran did the most was slam the door and leave.

I'm actually very afraid of his behavior, because I don't know where he will go after he slams the door and goes out.Usually, he wouldn't answer the phone when I called him at this time, so I could only wait at home alone, thinking wildly.

I can’t even remember why I was arguing at the beginning. In my opinion, it should be trivial things, because I basically listen to him on major matters of principle, and I can’t use it to quarrel with him. The principled question of what affects life.This is how people are. When there are external conflicts, two people will be extremely united and united to the outside world. Once the external conflicts are resolved, the internal conflicts will be highlighted.

This kind of feeling is like the other party we have been treating with care for the past ten years, suddenly became harsh on ourselves, that kind of feeling can't be expressed, it's just a sudden feeling that we finally got together, but the relationship is not as good as before?

The saddest time was going back to his parents' house for dinner with him.His father didn't allow us to be together until a long time later, because it was painful to stay in his hometown alone, so he had to succumb to his mother's despotic power.I have already forgotten the reason for the quarrel that time. I just remember that my mother had gone to Singapore with my stepfather at that time, leaving me alone in the country, and the apartment we bought with more than 100 million yuan had to rely on the daily loan. Monthly rent repayment, so Peng Zhiran and I lived in my mother's house, and occasionally went to his house to visit his parents.

I don’t remember the cause and effect, but after the quarrel, Peng Zhiran said to me: “Get out! I don’t want to see you!” I looked at him with tears in my eyes, and refused to move my feet, and he yelled again: “You don’t want to get out, right! I'm leaving!" Then he slammed the door and went out again.

If I were at my own home, maybe I wouldn’t be so hurt, but that day at his parents’ home, when I saw his father’s eyes that said “I said they will collapse one day”, I suddenly felt that we It failed so badly that he only said vaguely: "I'll go after him." Then he chased him out.As a result, when I chased to the side of the road, there was no sign of him, so I stood alone on the side of the road with my eyes wide open and sad.That moment was very strange, all the bits and pieces of the past flooded into my mind, I suddenly thought very sadly, could it be that we worked so hard back then to quarrel today, this is really ridiculous.

So I faced the wind and shed tears silently with no expression on my face, just like filming a silent pantomime.

That was the saddest time I cried. The reason why I said the saddest is because I still remember how I cried at that time until today.I stood under the sun and looked up at the sky with a blank expression as if nothing had happened, but tears kept streaming down my cheeks.I think, only when I am the saddest, tears will flow out like this without crying and grinning.

Then I forgot how we reconciled.Maybe I apologized to him first.I don't remember that much, I only know that between the two of us, the one who gives in will always be me.

Later, during a quarrel, Peng Zhiran came to his senses again. He pointed at me and said, "Chen Jia, please remember that when two people are together, one of them always has to give in, and the two of us In between, that person can only be you!"

I was surprised when he said that, and it was hard to connect him with the Peng Zhiran who doted on me in my memory for a while.However, looking at his face, I suddenly realized that maybe I am the culprit of this unbalanced relationship between us, but I can't remember when the root was planted, maybe it was us The moment we can be together is already doomed, maybe because of his body I always accommodate him, maybe because I was the one who fell in love first, but when he said that, I suddenly found that I My love is also the source of tormenting me.

Then, this unbalanced love began to gradually wear away my love for Peng Zhiran.

Sometimes I feel sorry for him, especially when he is too tired from work, or when he is not feeling well, and has hematuria and proteinuria, but sometimes I hate him, especially when he puts on a stern face or frowns. my time.

Peng Zhiran likes to order me more and more, likes to control everything about me.In the past two years, he always said to me in a dominant tone when I was dissatisfied with him: "Don't think I don't know what you are thinking, you must be thinking now..." But often he said All are the reactions that I should have in his eyes.The most unbearable time I yelled at him: "Who do you think you are! You think you are a roundworm in my stomach! I can't even express what I think clearly, you know what a fart!"

I hate his attitude, his self-righteous arrogance and his behavior of always putting me on his way of thinking, very annoying!

Beginning in [-], he has a new vocabulary to scold me: You are bad!

I don't know if he understands that this word is insulting, but he always uses it when I repeat some small mistakes I made in the past.I am very disgusted.

The three most noisy times in autumn were actually very small things.

The first time it was because I didn't set an alarm clock.

I have always been very confused, who stipulated that the party who is the fucking zero must take care of the big and small things in the house, and even set an alarm clock must be set by me!He can't move a hand!Everyone has a cell phone alarm clock!

But it's ridiculous that I'm probably the only one who thinks that the relationship between two people in the family should be equal, and he probably thinks that he should be the one I hold in the palm of my hand and serve.

The first time I agreed to accompany his parents to drink morning tea, but I didn't set an alarm clock, and ended up going to his parents' house very late in the morning. He was furious and scolded me.It is true that I should not make the old man wait, I feel that I am wrong.

Two days later, he took me for a horseback ride in the suburbs.I don't have any sports hobbies, I only like horseback riding.It has been two months since he verbally promised to take me to ride a horse, but he has not acted on it. Finally, he was very excited and said that he would take me the next day, and asked me to check the route of the horse farm first.I searched on Baidu Ding Ding and asked him to look at the driving route. He just stared at the sports channel and said he knew it. In the end, I had no choice but to send a text message to his mobile phone, thinking that the navigation could still be used the next day.As a result, the weather was bad the next day, and the damn navigation could not find the satellite.It was already 10:30 when we went out, and he lost his temper in the car after not finding the route for a long time, saying that if you are going to ride a horse yourself, you should navigate and check the route, and I will only be responsible for driving!I opened my eyes in disbelief and asked him: "I can drive myself, don't you think I need a driver!" He said the same thing again: "Get out of the car!"

He's always like this, either telling me to fuck off or telling me to get out of the car.I'm just wondering why I haven't rolled over even once.

The third quarrel was because it was not good to buy an oil heater.The oil dispenser was said to be imported from Germany and sold for 2 yuan, but the smell of the oil was terrible. We endured it for three days and finally decided to return it.From the underground parking garage to the elevator room, I used a trolley to pull the oil tank to the door of the freight elevator. He pointed to the stairs and said, "You can go up here, and I will carry it up." The freight elevator has come down, so let's take the elevator, it's here anyway.He said I moved it and it wasn't heavy.Just when the freight elevator dinged, I got on the elevator.As a result, the structure of this building is so strange that the B2 of the freight elevator and the B15 of the electrical appliance store that is reached by the stairs are not on the same floor.So he told me to stay where I was and run up and down the stairs to check.All I can say is that it was a really crazy day.After he went down the stairs, he walked around twice and couldn't find his way back, and it happened that his mobile phone was in my bag that day.I waited for about 10 minutes, but I couldn't hear his voice, and no one answered when I called him. When I wanted to find him, I remembered that he said that if two people separated, I would wait in place.As a result, he came up on the freight elevator [-] minutes later, and scolded: "You are an idiot! You can't take the freight elevator down! Do you know that I ran up and down three times and couldn't find you! You go Where is it!"

I said I have been waiting in place, didn't you say that if you get separated, don't run around and wait in place?

He widened his eyes and scolded: "I told you the fuck, you don't want to take the stairs, you have to take some kind of freight elevator! What I hate the most is you who complicate simple things, bad root! Done, now you let me waste so much time running up and down three times, you are satisfied, you are happy!"

The door of the freight elevator was still open at that time, you know, the door of the freight elevator closed like a movie in slow motion.I saw everyone in the elevator looked at him with surprised eyes and scolded me.I was so ashamed that I wanted to die. After all, I am a man, and he scolded me like this in front of everyone, and I can't talk back, because I know that if I talk back, he will get worse.

I looked at him desperately blinking tears, he was still angry, he kicked the oil box on the cart with a glance at me, looked at me and cursed: "Look at how cowardly you are!"

I pursed my lips tightly and told myself not to cry, but a girl in the freight elevator suddenly cursed in a low voice: "Scum Gong!" I couldn't hold back, tears fell down.

These days, rotten women are really everywhere.

Then I ignored him for five days, and he didn't take the initiative to apologize.This is the first time I don't want to say a word to him.In the past, every time he quarreled, he used domestic cold violence and ignored me for a day, but this time, I didn't want to talk to him.

For five days, I have been thinking whether our love is gone, and what is left is only the flaws that are unscrupulously exposed to each other, and the sharp eyes that only see each other's flaws.

It was at that time that Chen Fang persuaded me to write this story.She was just sent here by her mother in the summer of [-], because she was going to study in an American school here.Maybe even children worship the strong. She obviously likes Peng Zhiran more than me, even though I am her real brother.But that time when I had a cold war with Peng Zhiran, she suddenly asked me for a gay bar account under the pretext that she wanted to try writing Tanmei novels, so she wanted to go to the gay bar to have a look.I know that she was writing some online novels before, and there is also a group of writers.I was so bored that I used her account to chat in the group, but after chatting for a long time, I was asked if I was a man, and then I didn’t use her account much.

That day she got my gay bar account, and before going to the computer, she looked back at me and said, "Brother, I read a novel recently. , that means the love between these two people has really disappeared. How about you try to write about your past and see what is left in your memory? Maybe it’s not just quarrels.”

How is that possible, I sneered, all I can remember these days is quarrels.

However, by coincidence, I opened my laptop and started to write a beginning.But what to start with?That day I thought about it almost all night, until Peng Zhiran, who was sleeping in another bed in the middle of the night, habitually touched and held my hand in my dream, and then I suddenly had an idea.

So, I started to write, writing our story with a slightly sad tone.

It wasn't until I started writing that I realized that writing my own story felt amazing.It was as if I had re-experienced those years in my own words, and all my feelings were surging in my chest, intensely surging.And only when I recalled it again, I realized that there are still so many warm and beautiful moments in my memory.

Thinking about it this way, I suddenly need to thank Chen Fang.But she expressed dissatisfaction with my stagnation in writing until [-], anyway, you have to write until I appear!That's how she protested.

My God, I said, it will take until [-] to write about your appearance, but I really don't remember the nine years of it so clearly.

In the first ten years, maybe because there were many difficulties in front of me, I was able to write it down in an orderly manner in chronological order, but the next nine trivial years required me to organize it smoothly according to time. It is absolutely impossible.

I had no choice but to look at Chen Fang: "Either or, I will use another method to write about the next few years until you show up?"

"What method?" She looked at me.

I said: "Why don't you write like a side story, write whatever you think of, although there is no clear chronological order, but in the past nine years, the people and things around us have indeed undergone many changes. "