between men and women

One hundred and sixth post

Life is like a hole being torn apart, and happiness and warmth gradually begin to flow through this hole.

Under the strong pressure of the two mothers, the air pressure became lower and lower, and Peng Zhiran and I talked less and less.In the past, the two always liked to tell each other what they saw and heard during the day, but now they don't even have the desire to speak.Often the two of us finish a meal in silence, and then I clean up silently.

Peng Zhiran's addiction to smoking is getting bigger and bigger, and the time he sits in the hanging chair on the balcony is getting longer and longer.I still remember that when I bought that chair, I said I would sit in the sun and drink coffee on weekends, so I specially nailed a small IKEA shelf on the wall, which is small enough to hold two coffee cups. But now, there is always an ashtray on it.

When I was young and ignorant, I heard the stories of lovers who separated because of their parents’ opposition. I always thought that as long as two people love each other, it’s fine if the parents don’t agree. But now I know that’s impossible. The pressure will really overwhelm people, and even love will gradually deform under this pressure.

We haven't had sex for a long time, and gradually we stopped kissing and hugging. Every night, we both open our eyes and look at the ceiling, thinking about our own thoughts. Each has its own pressure and unspeakable pain. Both the mind and body are exhausted. Tossing and turning again.

That night I couldn't bear it anymore, I couldn't fall asleep after tossing and turning in the night, so I got up and opened the window, and shouted outside: "Ah~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~”

The voice pierced through the air, but it couldn't take away the unwillingness and depression in my heart.

Peng Zhiran didn't fall asleep either, he sat up and looked at me coldly: "Can't take it anymore? Then don't bear it!"

I turned to look at him with tears in my eyes.Under the cold moonlight, his face was so indifferent, not at all like the person who said he loved me.I was so depressed that I couldn't even breathe, I rushed to the kitchen and supported the countertop beside the sink, crying with my head down, but suppressed not wanting him to hear the sound, I caught a glimpse of the fruit knife stuck in the side, and suddenly couldn't turn it away eyes, and unconsciously reached out.

When the blade is on the wrist, there is nothing special, just like an ordinary measuring stick, only a little thinner and cooler than the measuring stick.

I closed my eyes and inhaled, telling myself that it was not difficult to cut it off, and then opened it again, but I didn't have the courage.

I still can't bear it, I can't bear to die.At least you can still see him when you are alive, but when you die, you have nothing.

Looking at the shadow standing behind me in tears reflected on the kitchen glass, I slowly put the knife back into the knife holder, wiped away my tears and went back to the bedroom to sleep. When I passed by him, he let out a sigh of relief.

More than half a month later, Peng Zhiran's mother couldn't sleep at night for several months. She couldn't even take sleeping pills. Finally, her heart couldn't bear it and she was admitted to the hospital. It is said that her blood pressure almost dropped at one point.

I was there when Peng Zhiran received Pan Xiaoruo's call, seeing his instantly pale face and frightened eyes, I knew that I had finally lost, completely lost.

When he was about to rush out the door, he looked back at me. I can't describe that look, but I will remember it for the rest of my life. The nostalgia, helplessness and sadness cannot be described in words.

But at that time, I even blinked my eyes and nodded at him, and even twitched the corners of my mouth. It was unbelievable when I thought about it later. People will try to pretend to be more carefree when they are defeated.

I went back to my mother's house that day, hugged her and cried until she convulsed. My mother stroked my back over and over again and said: "It will pass, everything will pass. Sleep and everything will be fine." I listened Crying and laughing, and then laughing and crying more fiercely.This sentence, I remember that I once said it to someone, how ridiculous you said it was.