between men and women

No.60 a post

To be honest, when I said that sentence last night, I didn't think too much at all. The consequences were not in the category that I could think of at that time, it was completely on impulse.But when I woke up at noon the next day, I dared not open my eyes.

My head is a little bloated and my stomach is a little uncomfortable, but none of these can compare to the fact that I can't feel Peng Zhiran's existence.The surrounding air is still, without his voice, without his breath.It's over, Chen Jia, everything is over.

But I didn't want to cry.

I just lay still for a while, then got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face.

It's all happened, and there's no point in regretting it.If a person is destined to be alone for a lifetime, it is better to understand it earlier than to understand it after being covered in bruises.

I don't know if others are like this, but I am anyway.When there are still hopes and longings in my heart, I will always deceive myself to indulge in the fantasy of a bright future and refuse to extricate myself. However, once this beautiful bubble is burst, I will be so calm that even I feel terrible.He is obviously weaker than anyone else, but he always likes to pretend that he is copper-skinned and iron-framed.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I calmly thought that Peng Zhiran would probably move out.Also, how can a normal man accept that he lives with a homosexual.

After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I wanted to go to the kitchen to see if there was something to eat, but I heard a "click" from the door, and Peng Zhiran walked in with a bag, saw me pause, and then tried to smile at me while taking off my shoes He raised the bag in his hand: "You... got up, I bought chicken porridge."

I looked at his bloodshot eyes in a daze, he... didn't leave?

Follow him mechanically to the table, sit on the small bench and watch him take a bowl to soak the bowl, then pour the chicken porridge into the two bowls, take out the packed Zhending chicken and put it in the middle.I took two pairs of chopsticks, put my chopsticks on the bowl, and pushed them in front of me.Sit down across from me.

I stare blankly down at the bowl.I've done these things before.We bought takeaways and came back to eat. Peng Zhiran never did anything, just sat and waited for the meal.

A chicken leg landed on my porridge. "Let's eat. Hangover and stomach upset, it's better to have some porridge." He said, except for speaking slowly, there was nothing abnormal in his tone.

I looked up at him, looked at him, and cried.

This is really strange.I didn't cry when I saw that he was gone and thought he left, but when I saw him come back and do these things, I actually cried.

I don't know what I was thinking at the time, my brain stopped working a long time ago, but I just felt very uncomfortable.I also want to hold back, what does it look like to cry like a woman in front of him, but the things in my eyes can't help it, they are desperately trying to rush out, and I can't control it at all.

Seeing me crying, Peng Zhiran panicked for a moment, looked for tissues everywhere, and gave me several in a row.

While I turned my head in embarrassment and didn't want him to see me like this, I sniffed at the same time, and finally waited until I felt that I would not lose my composure when I spoke, and then asked him, sobbing, "Why are you still here?"

He gave me a vague look: "Why can't I be here?"

He doesn't understand what I mean by going to have a room with a man yesterday, right?I suddenly thought.He wouldn't think that I opened a room with someone to chat, would he?Having said all that, I won't kid myself that what happened last night never happened.

"Peng Zhiran," I sniffled and mustered up my courage, "Did you understand what I meant yesterday? I'm gay." I tried my best to calm down, although tears kept falling.

He nodded: "Well, I understand."

I was very surprised. I was stunned for two seconds, and my brain capacity was obviously not enough: "Then...you used to...didn't you say that homosexuality is disgusting? You know that I am gay, don't you...don't think I'm disgusting? Have you ever thought about moving out? "My voice got lower and lower.

He looked at me with bloodshot eyes, as if he hadn't slept all night.After a moment of silence, I said in a low voice, "I don't think you're disgusting. We...are we good friends. I never thought about moving out."

Suddenly, a small hope rose in my heart.Peng Zhiran said that I'm not sick, and I don't want to move out, so is there...that possibility?

"Are you... not afraid that staying with me for a long time... will make you abnormal?" I asked cautiously.

It was that obscure look again.He twitched the corner of his mouth: "Could it be..."

I swallowed: "Even if not. Then... if... just in case..." My heart pounded, "What if I fall in love with you after staying with you for a long time?"

He met my gaze and looked at me deeply: "Yes?"

My heart was beating wildly.Yes, Peng Zhiran, of course I will, I already like you now.How I want to tell him that!

But when I thought of the feeling of emptiness in my heart when I woke up today and thought he had left, the little bit of courage I had managed to gather disappeared in an instant.Chen Jia, if you take this step, you really can't turn back.Even if he doesn't mind his good friend being gay, how can he tolerate a gay having unreasonable thoughts about him?Chen Jia, have you forgotten the lessons learned by Jia Qinghe? !Don't you think you don't even have to be friends in the future? !

I smiled wryly, impulsivity is the devil, why did I act impulsively yesterday, since I was impulsive, why didn’t I continue to be impulsive to the end?You simply tell him that you like him and it's done!Sigh, now I don't have the courage of last night.

So I twitched the corners of my mouth and smiled, turned my eyes away, lowered my head and held the chopsticks to stir the porridge and muttered: "No... I will... I already have a boyfriend..."

Yes, I have a boyfriend, so Peng Zhiran, don't worry about living with me.

After saying this, the air in the whole room seemed to freeze instantly, and the air pressure was extremely low.Looking at his suddenly clenched hands, I thought sadly: Although he said it was not disgusting, you see, he still rejects this word.Yeah, boyfriend, a man's boyfriend, how ridiculous.

We didn't say a word after that meal.This is really the worst chicken porridge I have ever eaten.

Although Peng Zhiran didn't move out, he went out and bought a quilt that day.Seeing my embarrassing expression, he scratched his hair to cover up: "That, that... I don't mean anything... Well, the weather is getting colder, and I keep rolling the quilt..."

I smiled, I didn't wear it last winter we also covered a quilt.

Chen Jia, what else do you want, he didn't find you disgusting, and he still treats you as a friend, you should be lucky!

I haven't been sleeping very well at night lately.Ever since what happened last time, there have always been strange things between me and Peng Zhiran.I can't tell exactly where the blame is. He didn't sleep and hide in the corner like before. Instead, he slept quite naturally because he shared the bed, but I always felt that he still cared about me, as if he was afraid that I would accidentally move or touch me. Touching or talking or something will make me misunderstand.This is different from the alienation he felt towards me some time ago, but it is equally awkward.

And every time I see him, when I think that he already knows that I am gay, I can't help but have unrealistic fantasies.The more time I spent with him, the more turbulent this thought became.

I even began to doubt whether it was the right choice to continue living with him like this.I'm really afraid that one day I can't control it and end up not even being friends with him.

So I came home later and later.On days when I don’t go to night school after get off work, I go to the Internet cafe next to the company to play StarCraft.Every time I hear the "kill" of the human marines when they are doping, I feel a little better.

I played the stand-alone version and played against the computer for more than a week. That day I was typing "SHOWMETHEMONEY" on the computer screen. This is one of the cheating commands of StarCraft, and one time I hit it, I added [-] crystals.I don't like other cheating methods. What kind of human homeland flies up, and then press and hold a button, and click the left button on the side of the crystal mine, which can make the human homeland move to the side of the crystal mine to a very short distance to speed up mining, etc. I think it's all blind work. Isn't the ultimate goal all quick and inexhaustible money? SHOWMETHEMONEY is enough.

In the end, I heard someone laughing behind me: "Aren't you, after playing for so long, you are still at such a bad level, and you want to cheat? Why can't you even beat the computer without cheating?" Then a person sat next to me.

I turned around and saw the endgame!

I haven't seen him for a long time, but I was quite happy to see him at first, and asked him, "Why are you here?"

He turned on the computer and logged in: "My school is near here. This is my stronghold!"

I thought about it, and there is indeed an art school nearby, and the back door of the school is at the corner across the road from the internet cafe.But this is actually his stronghold? "This is your stronghold? I've been fighting for more than a week, haven't I seen you once!"

He smiled and turned on the LAN: "Well, I was busy with something a while ago and didn't come, how about it, together?"

"1V1? No, I can't beat you." I shook my head.

"No, I have a lot of friends here who have been playing all the time. When I start the game, they will automatically come in. You come in, and I will play with you in a team."

"Okay." I nodded and joined the game he played.

As long as it is a game, the battle mode is always more interesting than the stand-alone mode.Although I played badly, we were still the winning side with our excellent war control ability in the endgame and almost over [-] APM.

In the battle, I also learned a lot.For example, how to build the most reasonable buildings in my hometown, only need to build a bunker to protect all the farmers, how to use only two houses, a bunker and a tank to block the intersection, resist the enemy's initial attack, how to defend my own territory , to buy time for allies... I gradually became familiar with him as I mixed with Endgame every night to play StarCraft.Sometimes after playing the game, I would go to the small noodle shop at the back gate of their school for supper.

Although the small restaurant only has a few noodles and fried rice, the taste is not bad. Every time I have to struggle whether to eat noodles with scallion oil, spicy sauce, extra ribs, and marinated eggs, or eat bacon and vegetable rice and extra ribs. Add marinated eggs.

Just make fun of me in the endgame, isn’t it just a multiple-choice question of noodles with chili sauce and bacon and vegetable rice, can’t you do this?Then I thoughtfully gave up the shredded pork noodles with pickled vegetables that I wanted to eat, and ordered a side of mixed noodles with spicy sauce, and another order of bacon and vegetable rice, and the two shared it.

Gradually, if Endgame weekend called me to play StarCraft, I would rush over there too.Recently we have been looking for people to 2V2 in Internet cafes. Now I am no longer the rookie at the beginning. I can already attract and block enemies for him as a partner in the endgame.I have already switched from Terran to Zerg.The strong reproductive ability of the Zerg is really suitable for people like me who like to fight in groups.Every time when [-] teams of mad dogs are assembled and press the A button to attack other people's hometown indiscriminately, looking at the mad dogs full of screens, I have an unusual joy.

It's great for people to have some hobbies, but it's also a good way to temporarily forget about love.

Endgame called me again that day, saying that two people challenged me and Endgame.Now in that Internet cafe, the double CJ partner has become the main force of the 2V2 ace, and there are often unconvinced people challenging us.

I readily agreed, hung up the phone and saw Peng Zhiran looking at me with a complicated expression.

It's been a long time since I've had a good weekend with him.Recently, I was either looking for excuses to go back to my mother's place, or I was looking for a mess to play games. On the contrary, he often stayed at home all weekend, and he didn't see Chen Jianing on a date.I admit that I was deliberately avoiding him, but what do you want me to do?He already knows I'm gay, and if I can't tell him I love him like this, I'll go crazy!

Smiling awkwardly at him, I grabbed my clothes and was about to go out, but he stopped me: "You... a friend asked you to play StarCraft?"

I nodded and pulled my arm back.

He thought for a while, opened the zipper door of the simple wardrobe and asked me with a smile: "I haven't played StarCraft for a long time, and my hands are very itchy, do you mind if I come with you?" Before I nodded, he began to change clothes .

I saw that he had made it clear that he wanted to go together, so I didn't say anything.As a result, it took this guy more than half an hour to change his clothes. He tried and changed several times, and it took a long time to finish it.Otherwise, I really didn't know that he was going to play games, and I thought he was going on a date.