red dust under the lamp

All human beings are mortal.You can't get rid of the seven emotions and six desires. Unless you are really crazy, there is always a reason for what you do. The products stacked on supermarket shelves are neatly labeled and occasionally discounted.

Therefore, Ning Jue wanted to find a crack in Boss Kong's egg, get in and break it open, and release himself from the shadow.

The meeting was not at a hotel, but at Boss Kong's residence in Nancheng. The director was cooking in the kitchen. Boss Kong was smoking a cigarette and sitting at the dining table chatting with a bearded editor about his thoughts: "...that's it, I think, a dream in my heart has come true, and he said it out, even if there is no result, I don’t regret it.”

Ning Jue was changing shoes, and there was the sound of cars outside again. It turned out that the leading actor also came, and entered the door one after the other.

"Xiao Ning is here, sit and sit, are you tired? How is filming? Are you feeling okay?" Boss Kong asked her kindly. A man in his thirties insisted on posing as an elder to Ning Jue in his 20s. Kindly, Ning Jue is used to sitting low and low, nodding her head in response.

"I hadn't seen it before. I thought filmmaking was a group of people singing and dancing in the mountains. I didn't expect to suffer so much. I couldn't stand it." She was careless, emphasizing that she couldn't endure hardship, and deliberately deviated from the image of her first love in Boss Kong's autobiography.

She was a hard-working, delicate, clever and lively girl, but she was very reliable. Ning Jue didn't look like herself in any way, and if she did, she had to be like her.

Boss Kong shook the ashes and said hello to the actor instead of saying anything.

It was still daylight, a table of meals was ready, two bottles of foreign wine were opened, everyone toasted, celebrating the completion of filming, wishing smooth sailing in the future, editing and publishing for publicity... the men started chatting.

The male protagonist can’t get into the conversation, his life experience is too limited, and he is just a projection of Boss Kong’s self-consciousness, but it’s insignificant. The important thing is that Ning Jue can understand what they say, understand two-thirds of what they say, but he doesn’t want to show it Showing an image of being keen to interrupt, eating food indifferently.

Men tend to forget the time after chatting for a long time, Ning Jue looked up at the wall clock, it was already 06:30.

On the table, the men were chatting happily while pushing cups and changing glasses. When it came to the cultural world in China, everyone pointed their fingers, as if they had turned into Nuwas and filled up the big holes in the system.

Ning Jue hesitated for a moment, then stood up: "Talk slowly, everyone, I have something to do, so I'm leaving first."

"Let's go now? You don't want to go?"

Ning Jue raised his glass and drank it all down: "I'm really gone, I'm really gone, let's meet again some other day."

Boss Kong stared at Ning Jue and nodded, "I'll look for you later. Are you going home? I'll ask Old Wang to see you off."

When is the time?This word is quite subtle, Ning Jue waved his hand: "It's going to a friend's house, I'll go by myself, you go on, go on."

It came out easily, maybe the problem is still behind.

After walking a few steps, she suddenly felt dizzy.

That glass of wine was too inappropriate, and fortunately it was summer, she walked to the side of the flowers, rinsed her mouth with the help of the watering faucet, and then she became more awake, wiped her hands and face, and calculated that the distance was a bit far, costing money Take a taxi to Xie Yichen's house.

It was nearly seven o'clock when we arrived.

She knocked on the door, already drunk, and stood still with her arms folded, but it was Jiang Wang who opened the door.

Caught off guard, I met Jiang Wang face to face, passed Jiang Wang, and saw five or six people drinking and chatting inside, and one unidentifiable man was holding an acoustic guitar and singing drunkenly.

Jiang Wang smiled: "You are here, today is very beautiful."

He was relaxed, with big pants and a vest, and opened the door to let Ning Jue in.

There used to be a dozen or so people in the house, both men and women, and they were all making noise. One of them was already hanging on the back of the sofa like a rag, and he would look back at him from time to time when he was singing. Like French, Ning Jue couldn't understand it.

Maybe the singer likes that rag...a thought arises spontaneously.

Immediately, she became afraid. How did she come up with this idea?Was it also assimilated?These are two men, say what you like or not... don't be ashamed...

Some people are eating cakes and chatting around the dining table, and some people are listening to people singing and humming to themselves.

Next to the sofa, two men looked at each other affectionately, and kissed wet kisses as if no one else was there. Ning Jue stared at them, feeling impolite, and turned his head away.

A strange afterimage surged in my heart, as if I was peeping at the men in the park, and I rushed in rashly, and there was a sense of judgment, but I didn't know who was judging, the other party, or myself?

Xie Yichen was holding a pen to say something to someone, writing down on the paper while talking: "... then you can't do it, take care of your own affairs, I can introduce you to Xinxi Road..."

While talking, Xie Yichen looked up to see Ning Jue, and then looked at the wall clock.

"I'll talk to you later." Xie Yichen ended the topic, stood up and faced Ning Jue, "It's unfortunate that you came, the cake is gone."

The pile on the table was trampled as if trampled on.

"I came here after dinner." Ning Jue smiled, his face flushed after drunkenness, his face was still calm, his body smelled of smoke and alcohol, Xie Yichen sniffed her, understood a little, and pulled her away Introduce her all over the house.

I have introduced them one by one, there are cats and dogs, and they also have foreign names, but Xie Yichen has translated them thoughtfully, from Kelly to Niu Zhuang, from Ah Xi to Lao Guan, which is easy to understand for Ning Jue to understand. A lot of blank eyes.

"Dirty! Dirt! Old-fashioned!" The drunk rag on the sofa raised his arms and shouted when he heard the word Niu Zhuang, opposing Xie Yichen's name change.

"Then go and change your account book." Xie Yichen said.

The rag dreamed back to its original shape, fell down and fell asleep.

"People like us can rarely reveal our identities, but people always want to find the same kind when they are alive. There are many gays in Nancheng, Jiang Wang knows some, and I slowly got to know some people... Some people will be like me, Helping each other, forming a marriage group... But you can't trust each other, and there are some troubles..."

After a round of introduction, Xie Yichen introduced this party to Ning Jue. It was a gathering of a few friends. Kelly, who was drunk, had emotional troubles. Everyone hadn't met for a long time, so they simply came here to discuss.

Ning Jue has no parents, she doesn't quite understand why she has to get married, she obeys her heart.

But I also heard that the pressure from parents makes you have to get married... Looking around the room, some people are really weird, they deliberately dress up like a different kind of person, very rebellious, and there are Jiang Wang and Xie Yichen like this, at first glance Looks like a model couple.

The physical marriage group seems to be hiding in a shell.

Ning Jue looked at Jiang Wang, his disgust towards him disappeared, but he was still uneasy, looked at Xie Yichen, but didn't say anything unnecessary.

If you talk too much, you will lose, if you talk too much, you will lose, she thought.

She actually wanted to say, in this way, two people are engaging in extramarital affairs separately. There are actually four people in a family, and the other two are non-staff members. Shun—this kind of shell is fragile, but if one of the parents suddenly wants to come to live permanently, or must have a grandson, what should the two people do?Even if divorced, what about property?

She hides and saves these questions, no wonder she is trivial and vulgar, it is really trivial to defeat idealism, what kind of paranoid is it to be able to strengthen one's love?

In her heart, Xie Yichen was already a person who insisted on becoming a fairy in dancing, and now he even gave up dancing... I am afraid that no one can persevere.

Xie Yichen told her about Niu Zhuang's relationship problems, to the effect that brother No. 1 was befriending him on the one hand, and on the other hand he was doing business in Hong Kong, and had an affair in a bar.Niu Zhuang liked him very much again, wept loudly, and got drunk here again today.

Ning Jue subconsciously said, "The one who plays the guitar likes him?"

"How do you know?" Xie Yichen was surprised, but almost reflexively covered Ning Jue's mouth, afraid that she would say something big.

"It's easy to see." Ning Jue didn't know how he could perceive other people's feelings and emotions so delicately, like a superpower, but he looked at Xie Yichen, and didn't want to say too much, for fear that he would reveal that he was too stupid to see Xie Yichen. like.

The authorities are fascinated.

"Actually, this is the problem. Lao Guan likes Niu Zhuang, but Niu Zhuang likes another person. We are also thinking about whether to match up, but Lao Guan's family is urging the marriage, and we don't want to be sad for a few more months." Xie Yichen thought.

"If you can't find someone who is married, then it's normal to marry..." Ning Jue immediately changed her words, "An ordinary girl? Then what should I do after marriage?"

Xie Yichen looked at her: "You are very good at getting to the point of the problem."

"Should we just ignore it? If you only like men, how can you do anything to women? If you get married because the family is urging you to marry, what will you do when the family urges your grandson?" Ning Jue left half a leeway. The words are ugly, but she has no position, she is an outsider.

Even the marriage between Xie Yichen and Jiang Wang, she has such worries, put aside the prejudice she is trying to correct, just looking at this relationship, she is not familiar with Jiang Wang, and always suspects that Xie Yichen will suffer a loss - if Jiang Wang beats her , Xie Yichen still has trouble in his legs and feet, and he can't even run.

She has seen too many men beating women, and she hardly believes that men don't beat women.

But because she saw what happened in the living room, she tried her best to correct her prejudice, and immediately substituted herself, which was herself. Isn't she a violent madman with a knife?Don't you see a lot of women beating people?Is it male or female... what is the difference?She was confused, and many questions became hazy and indistinct under the hypnosis of alcohol, and finally there was only a smile hanging on the corner of her lips.

Xie Yichen lowered his eyes: "Everyone has their own way, combined with reality. But in the end, women suffer."

"then you--"

Ning Jue thought it was a slip of the tongue, so the words stopped abruptly.

Xie Yichen just leaned on his arm: "So physical marriage is a last resort... people like us, even if it's a bad idea, there are many people rushing to choose."

Ning Jue really wanted to ask her, what is her last resort, young and rich, beautiful and knowledgeable, where is she not sought after?Have to marry early?But a little later... She couldn't think of any way, Xie Yichen's paranoia about dancing seemed to be transferred to his feelings, as if he had to be a woman, are these people so paranoid that they can't make do with others?

If you really find a lover who is also paranoid about love, how can you be reconciled to your own identity?The other party's household registration, real estate certificate, and even the surgical signature form do not have traces of themselves everywhere.

In the end, he didn't ask, the drunkenness invaded the brain, wanton destruction, there are other people here, Ning Jue couldn't tell Xie Yichen, couldn't argue, couldn't tell, so he got up: "I'll go wash my face."

Xie Yichen grabbed her hand on the dining table, Ning Jue pulled it away relentlessly, and stood there for a while before turning around, as if the robot's joints were rusted and insensitive.

She didn't have any make-up on, just painted her eyebrows lightly. She always relied on being young and beautiful, walking with a plain face.

A fake innocent face appeared in the mirror, Ning Jue stared at herself, the young Ning Jue reappeared holding the slingshot, raised the slingshot, and resolutely turned to the mirror——

The shadow of a dead mouse jumped out of the mirror, and Ning Jue lowered his head, as if he had been thrown by himself, and flew into the air, his footsteps were vain.

Splashing water on his face, Ning Jue rubbed his face to calm down. Even his eyelashes were covered with water drops. He leaned on the sink with his eyes downcast and remained silent for a long time.

The half-closed door was pushed open, and Xie Yichen walked in.

Ning Jue immediately stood up straight: "I'll go out right away."

"I didn't come in to go to the bathroom..." Xie Yichen turned around and locked the door, and smoothed the hair on his forehead, "Are you coming back from Boss Kong?"

"Yes." Ning Jue agreed.

With his back against the door, Xie Yichen tilted his head to look at her as if searching, and called her in a gentle voice: "If it's about the cultural world, my aunt and I can help you."

"It's not difficult..." Ning Jue said.

Regarding Boss Kong's matter, Ning Jue wanted to solve it by himself.It was because she had a decision in her heart and cut off many implicated things sonorously and forcefully, so she gained strength.Regarding the possibility of going to sleep, Ning Jue understood that she was weak at that time and could not quickly seize the opportunity to escape, and now she has recovered.

Xie Yichen hummed: "I am very grateful that you can come today."

"Grateful?" Ning Jue was very puzzled.

She came because she wanted to enter this group where she was the other person, and she wanted to get rid of her own prejudices. Why was Xie Yichen grateful?If she had Xie Yichen, she would have ignored Ning Jue a long time ago, hurt herself again and again, and refused to face it directly... Why should she be grateful?

"I get the feeling you want to get to know us..."

Xie Yichen said.

Isn't this nonsense?Who would come here to meet these weird people if they didn't want to know?What happened to Xie Yichen?

She hasn't spoken yet, Xie Yichen added: "I don't look down on you, I respect you... Is it appropriate for me to say this?"

This is nonsense again, why doesn't Ning Jue respect Xie Yichen's friends?Why look down on them?

She smiled bitterly: "Why should I look down on you, I'm already very happy that you can look down on me."

Of course, she doesn't care if these people think highly of her, but these decent people live with money and leisure, and they can play the guitar.She is at the bottom of society, who looks down on whom?How did it turn upside down?Is Xie Yichen in a daze?

Her eyes were foggy, and her face hadn't been wiped clean. She hurriedly turned on the tap and washed her face again, feeling drunk.

Xie Yichen said: "There is always one thing that people look down upon."

In the past, Xie Yichen would always comfort her, but now, Ning Jue slapped her face with water.

The rationality gradually dissipated, and the part stored in the brain was taken out.

"I want to ask you, you and Jiang Wang are married, one day you like someone else, and then the two will have extramarital affairs. There are actually four people in a family, and the other two are non-staff members. The worst is the mistress, and the sweetest is the lover. ... The name is not correct, the words are not right-even if you two are rich, don't care about property, your parents are generous, don't care about trivial matters, don't have children for the time being, or even adopt, but like this-you two lovers, then What about two people? What are they in your relationship?"

Finally asked the exit.

"If it's for the sake of so-called love... Is it love to feel wronged by the other party? Could it be that those two are just making do with getting married, but those two are just as good as you, don't care about money, don't care about elders, Don't care about children? I know what you want to say, you have no choice but to..."

Ning Jue shook her head, a little sad, the drunkenness finally won her over, she was going to say it today, she couldn't vomit!She has noticed too many other people's subtle emotions!What about herself?She is bound in the human world, and she also wants to ascend to immortality. Does she have to stare at the White Snake's joys and sorrows in this play, but she can only watch?

Xie Yichen leaned against the door, didn't think about it, but answered her quickly and softly: "I never thought about this possibility."

"Oh." Ning Jue answered quickly, and moved half a step away, intending to leave the bathroom.

"I won't have a lover like that. If anyone loves me enough to care about these things, I'll divorce immediately."

divorce?

Xie Yichen is really light...

But his eyes don't seem to be deceiving, Xie Yichen does what he says, and he never misses an appointment, so he won't lie about hypothetical things.

Ning Jue wanted to laugh... Oh my god, why did I start to care about these things... Is it a concession?Is it because the issue of gender has never been a mountain for her?Both men and women are good, she just wants someone to love her?

The whole body smelled of alcohol, and the wine was flowing in the veins, and she was drunk from the heart. She almost wanted to cry, wanted to cry, wanted to laugh, and finally couldn't laugh or cry, and then turned on the water to wash her face. She had already started to drink, she was downright drunk, she drank three glasses of wine, her drinking capacity would not be so small, Xie Yichen said these words, the drunkenness broke through the gate, and she ran turbulently.

The hem of the skirt was soaked by the cold water repeatedly scooped up. Ning Jue pinched the hem of the skirt and suddenly forgot what she was going to do.

Is it...wring out the skirt?Or wash your face again?

What should I do?I'm a little confused.

She stood beside the sink in silence, Xie Yichen finally got up from the door and pulled the latch.

"Don't go—" Ning Jue regained consciousness.

Ning Jue, who was a child, stood on a branch of a tree and stared at the distinguished car of a distant visitor, without hesitation stretched his arms, pinched the dead mouse, and shot it with a slingshot without hesitation.

Pick me, pick me... the beast inside roared hysterically.

It's a natural cheap/good, revealing shameless desire.

"Don't go." She repeated in a low voice.

When she yelled for the first time, Xie Yichen turned to look at her, waited for her next sentence, and now smiled: "I haven't left, but if I don't go out again, people will say that I have been in bed for a long time——"

Before she finished speaking, Ning Jue grabbed her by the collar, a little clumsily, and pulled the person in front of her eyes like a gang fight, but she couldn't stand still, and hurriedly propped herself up on the sink.

Being staggered by her, changing someone else, I'm afraid I feel like I'm going to be beaten right away.

Ning Jue's eyes were fixed on Xie Yichen's face, as if he had thought about it, but the smell of alcohol on his body made people doubt the quality of this thinking, and if he kept silent, he would appear a little fierce.

Licking his own lips, desire turned scarlet.

Xie Yichen stared at her, as if confronting her, but his eyes were soft, not at all like Ning Jue's vicious eyes, as if he was catching some prey.

Ning Jue pursed her lips cautiously. After a long stare at each other, she narrowed her eyes and wiped off the water on her face indiscriminately—she stared at Xie Yichen, as if stepping into a dream again. After rushing forward and thinking about it, I couldn't believe it for a while.

how come?A person like her deserves such a good result?It is really possible, close at hand, exact, undistorted, even her own heart dances with joy, not struggling, not heavy, she actually feels light in her heart like she is wearing a cloud coat, wearing a rosy glow , rushed to the fairyland beyond the sky... She almost cried again.

"You like me—you like me—"

Emphasized hastily, took Xie Yichen's hands in his palms, and put them near his lips reverently.

The dull pain in my heart gradually emerged, and I walked like a revolving door.In the 22 years of her life, there are too few things to sing about, too little time to cry, too much thinking, and too much extravagant hope. She hardly believes it herself, and gradually sinks into the quagmire of twisted darkness.How many bad things she has done, stealing things, defrauding money, being mean to people, making sarcastic remarks, is the path she chose, going to darkness, to death——

After going around for a while, I walked to the beginning of this road again, how was it at first, how is it now, Xie Yichen was watched eagerly by her, and he turned his face away with some discomfort: "Did you know?"

But he retracted his hand and cupped her face: "It's hot."

Babbling, babbling, a play has begun, and a group of graceful monsters appear enthusiastically, and the sky is booming with thunder, like drums and bells.Demons and monsters, the woman who chops the chopping board with a kitchen knife is chattering, the man who violated her gesticulates, the man who tricked her into stealing her and robbing her unfurls a banner, walking in neat steps, and black clouds roll towards the stage.

The gods come, and the gods enlighten one of the group of demons, you come, you come to become a fairy.

She hid.She has never been loved, never chosen, never cared about, even if she seizes the opportunity, she doesn't believe it.Surrounded by wind and rain, there is only one place of peace. She is very frightened, afraid that this is an illusion, so she has to try her best to imagine that there are thousands of ghosts and ghosts there, and she walks in the wind and rain. She believes that she is only worthy of being trampled. Insulted and defamed.

In peace, someone finally came out to save her, you come, you come to become a fairy.

She tried her best to resist, struggled to escape, and she finally found peace.

The sound of the rain is isolated, and it seems like another world.

After enlightenment, she finally became half, taking off others and revealing herself, just like a little demon who had just grown up, looking at the world ignorantly and gratefully.

Ning Jue covered her hands on her cheeks, tears streaming down:

"I want to be with you."