red dust under the lamp

At five o'clock in the morning, Ning Jue hurried to Xie's house with her book in her arms. The sound of Aunt Shu spitting and brushing slippers could be heard in the room. Ning Jue opened the door and found an inconspicuous place on the carpet. On the ground, she was reading by the many lights in the room, moved the notes of the female worker in the textile factory to her own book, and held the pen in her mouth. She couldn't understand.

Aunt Shu came out to sweep the floor, and caught sight of her in the room by surprise. She groaned and muttered something. After a long time, Ning Jue guessed and tried to decipher the code-like text from the repeated voice. She probably understood. Was surprised she came early.

She put away her books and did housework with Aunt Shu.

But Aunt Shu said that, and Xie Yichen was still startled.

It was not the first time that she read a book in front of Xie Yichen, but this time it was weird, as if it was the first time that Ning Jue revealed that she would do these things.She has intentions, but she doesn't count. Xie Yichen was beaten to ashes and defeated. He didn't want to die, he didn't go to dance, and he didn't get up and look new... But walking dead is not counted. Ning Jue can always see from Xie Yichen's dead soul. A cluster of fire that is not willing to be extinguished, but everyone has a fire that is not willing to be extinguished.

Ning Jue started to do her own thing here, gradually occupying this space.

When she starts to read as she pleases, she's like the master here.

In the past, when Xie Yichen read books, she had a lot of time left in her hands, so she had to follow along with the reading. Ning Jue could no longer go to the streets to find things to do, nor would she look around for things from Xie’s family to steal—she was right here, right Ms. Xie is always there with affection, like a rabbit's nest.

Now, she came here to read, as if no one else was around, Xie Yichen sat casually, the wheelchair made a slight sound on the ground, and the house was as quiet as a neatly decorated model room, for people to visit all kinds of intact furnishings, vases and flourishing potted plants , watching two young and beautiful girls doing their own things, and the cooking auntie who is busy and smiles calmly, who has no sense of presence, shuttles like the wind.

They freeze, silent to each other.

Xie Yichen suddenly remembered that Ning Jue had said that she was studying at night school.

So I asked, "What are your plans for the future?"

Ning Jue was still turning the pages of the book. She had read that page many times, but she didn't understand it.

"What's your plan? You should have dinner in a while, and I'll push you out after dinner."

Xie Yichen said: "It's not this, it's a future plan."

"You figure out your plan before you speak." Ning Jue poked her back, causing a dull pain in her heart.

It is rare for her to want to divert attention.She thought she was insane and wanted to save herself.Let yourself hide, although my aunt is rich, she can afford to keep her locked in the room for the rest of her life, turning into a living zombie, but she wants to struggle after all, although her heart is painful, her body has to get up, and she can tell anyone A few words before slipping into darkness again.

"I'm just asking." He asked himself an explanation softly.

"I'm also talking about it." Ning Jue finally seemed to understand something, wrote down something in the book, smoothed out the creases, and turned it over.

After another long silence, Ning Jue said: "What future plans, don't you know that my future plans depend on you?"

"What do you mean?" Xie Yichen was puzzled.

"I can't do anything better than now, 700 yuan a month. If you get up and do something else, you don't need me, so I will think about other things. I am very happy that you are still like this. Earn money, at worst, watch over you for half of your life, and then I can save a good dowry before I get married."

From Ning Jue's point of view, it would be better to say that Xie Yichen is as decadent as he is.

But that was not the intention.

Ning Jue's words had a different meaning, and the positive words had to be reversed, like an imperial decree issued to others, one could only look at the handwriting on the back of the paper, and it made people feel at a loss to face those words.

"You are an open-minded person who always looks forward." Xie Yichen said.

"Open-minded? I'm still Guo Da. My life is not worth mentioning, so it's okay to recall it every day. Your life is important, and it's good to think about it every day. I understand how you reminisce about the past." Ning Jue said. I don't know whether it is positive or negative, and no one has the heart to guess.

Xie Yichen suddenly changed the subject: "You went out with Xu Liwen before, did he like you?"

It wasn't Xu Liwen, Xu Xian, or even Ning Jue who was curious. She wanted to hear about the dance troupe. She knew that someone in the dance troupe was looking for another place in panic, but before, she was all in front of her eyes. These disharmonious people are the background, as long as the white lady is around, who cares about the ordinary people?

Now she started to focus on others, as if suddenly descended from the world.

"I like it, of course I like me. If he doesn't like me, he won't come to play with me. He still wants to show off in front of me and teach me to smoke. Even if I'm fake, he won't be able to recognize me. But if he doesn't like me , how could he deliberately pretend in front of me? Look at those male birds, to ask for a mate, don’t they have to use all kinds of martial arts, dancing and circling to sleep with the female bird? He wants to sleep with me and coax me from the village If you are ignorant, of course you have to show that you like me first."

Ning Jue said a lot in one breath, each sentence was very frivolous, but Ning Jue didn't move his eyes, just looked at the book calmly, his voice couldn't distinguish between likes and dislikes, and couldn't figure it out, as if he was reporting to Xie Yichen about a certain restaurant. Like a menu.

"Then are you sure that he likes you?"

"Of course I'm sure he likes me." Ning Jue smiled for a while, then raised her head, Xie Yichen was three years older than her, and was still emotionally blank.

Sometimes Xie Yichen himself knows that she lives like a fairy, this is not to praise her, but to laugh at her ignorance of the world, at her innocence, at her paranoia and ignorance.

Being pushed by Ning Jue, she pursed her lips and was about to say something more when Ning Jue suddenly said, "But I don't know how much I like this, I just know that he definitely wants to sleep with me right now, but after that, he Do you want to marry me? Do you want to have children with me? Can you accept that I have been lying to him? Can you accept that I am such a bad person? If I were him, I couldn’t. What he likes is what I pretend to deceive , so I say so. But whether you like it or not, it may be a matter of a blink of an eye."

Xie Yichen said: "I don't really understand these things, let's talk about something else."

"For example, you. You are in a wheelchair and are disabled. If you want me to say, if you want me to be a man, you must think vulgarly, how do you do that with you, how do you sleep, how do you give birth to children, and you can't do housework, yes The princess who confessed. Men look at you from a distance, see that you are beautiful and decent, and see that your family is good, but you fail all kinds of conditions for a good woman."

Ning Jue seemed to be laughing at Xie Yichen, Xie Yichen pursed his lips and said nothing, as if he was brewing anger.

"But if there is a man doing my job, for a moment, he sees you suddenly stand up straight, and sees you wanting to fly like a butterfly. I don't know how to say it, that kind of stupid idealism Or fantasy? In short, it is a mysterious substance in you that makes you look very divine at a certain moment, as if communicating with some gods, as if you will turn into a butterfly and fly away in the next second."

Ning Jue stood up. She had already read the last page while talking, closed the book, and made a conclusion: "There will always be a man who suddenly finds himself in love with you at that moment. Who are you at this time? It's important, his previous evaluation of you is not important, whether he liked it, took advantage of it, or coveted your family's money, it doesn't matter, the most important thing is that moment, he suddenly fell in love with you."

Xie Yichen said: "Let's talk about something else, men can't do your job."

"That's right, I just wanted to use Xu Liwen to say something else. You know, he and Li Juanjuan found a director through their relationship and said they would audition for a new movie. If they succeed, they will go to Haijing to become an actor. I Did I tell you about this?"

The sound of Aunt Shu's cooking sounded loudly, and the conversation between the two suddenly became less silent.

Half a duck was nestled and stewed in a casserole. The soy sauce bottle was empty, and Aunt Shu stood it at the kitchen door.

The dialogue suddenly fell from the sky to the mortal world.

Ning Jue smiled: "Let's go for a walk before dinner."

Xie Yichen leaned half of his body, and muttered to continue the topic just now: "If Xu Liwen likes you, will you marry him?"

"Not necessarily, I'm very beautiful. If I'm willing to bow my head, I can be a mistress for a big shot. Xu Liwen said to do an audition, but there are so many good-looking men in the country, so many people go to Haijing to make a living. What kind of thing is he? Opportunity Just on his head? I don't believe he will be popular in the future."

Ning Jue couldn't hear her compliments or criticisms of herself, she just knew that she was mean to Xu Liwen and didn't like him at all. She put him on the plate like an ordinary piece of pork belly, guessing that his qualifications were average and he couldn't attend the state banquet.

Besides, it's only Xu Liwen pursuing her now, so there's no need for her to be crazy about Xu Liwen and wait for him to return home?This is so stupid, isn't Chen Shimei's story enough to be alarming?

"I can't get married."

"Huh? You're under twenty, and you're pretty. You're the one trying to get your dowry. You'll catch a lot of them on the street. It's hard to find beautiful women, and it's hard to find ugly ones. What's the matter? You have to marry if you're disabled. People, prove that they are still able to give birth to children for the society? Now it’s family planning, don’t think about it.”

Ning Jue was talking nonsense, but she couldn't tell her attitude. Xie Yichen was silent for a moment, and finally told her: "Auntie called and asked me if I would like to enroll in the first year of college."

"That's fine."

"She wants me to go to college to meet some boys."

"That's good."

"She has spotted a few boys who are poor, good, and ambitious."

"That's good," Ning Jue said, "From this, it can be concluded that your aunt's goal is not for you to inherit the dance career, but to inherit her property. This thought is really profitable."

The topic suddenly came to this, Ning Jue wrapped her clothes and wrapped her school in the clothes, like packing a package.

"I can't get married." Xie Yichen repeated, trying to make Ning Jue understand her intentions.

The aunt arranged for her, she didn't want to go, she knew that there was property behind it, and many men were willing to put down their bodies for it...but she didn't want to believe in her current crippled body, not because she didn't believe that anyone loved her, but because she didn't believe in herself ——She doesn't believe that she will reach the other shore of marriage with certainty, and she doesn't believe that she will reach any other shore.

Ning Jue had already pushed her outside and walked against the sun for a while. Xie Yichen was blinded by the sunlight and wanted to turn around, but Ning Jue suddenly smiled silently behind her: "I don't understand these things. If you go to university, I will find another job. Your business is too grand, and mine is too small."

"If only I went crazy." Xie Yichen said suddenly.

"what?"

"I know I'm a weirdo. I really don't want men to marry me with pity and flattery. When I become crazy, I don't have to go to other places. It's good to be here." Xie Yichen suddenly raised his hand to touch Ning Jue arm.

"You are messing around and angry. It is true that what happened that day was not good, but it is not necessary. I disagree, and I know you are not crazy." Ning Jue let go of Xie Yichen and sat alone among the dry branches , sitting on the ground with his arms folded.

After three or four steps, Xie Yichen unbuckled his seat belt, bent down as hard as he could, reached for the dry soft grass and moss with both hands, and threw himself to the ground.

She finally got angry and lay on the ground beating her useless legs.

It was as if fate had taken all the aura out of her hand, leaving only a wet moss.

Ning Jue touched her whole body, and suddenly remembered that the peace talisman she asked for had already been hung on Xie Yichen's body, and she had nothing left to give.

How to cross people, how to cross yourself.