[Titanic] I can't help myself

Mother helped out at the James house until December.

James' condition still hasn't improved. His other injuries, including fractures, are almost healed. Only the calf of his right leg is still covered with plaster, but it will soon be removed.But he still couldn't feel his body below the waist.

However, James is very optimistic. He only lost control of his emotions during the period when he was lying on the bed with serious injuries at the beginning. After that, he never showed any depression, pain or pessimism. An injury as simple as a cut on a finger.

When he was able to sit up, James began to accept the duties of the estate, which in his absence were handled by Aunt Violet.Aunt Violet is not good at investing, she doesn't know how to manage the factory, and she doesn't even know about the manor. After all, when James' father was still alive, the biggest thing Aunt Violet did was to organize a carnival. A bazaar or a town carnival.

Aunt Violet has always been worried about Carol, so even though Carol has given birth to an heir, she does not allow Carol to participate in these money-related matters.After barely sustaining for two years, they lost a lot. Fortunately, every time James is on vacation, he concentrates on dealing with some of the most important issues, so that they will not suffer too much loss.

Mother didn't leave them and go home just because James could sit up and deal with official duties. Aunt Violet was still recuperating in bed. Other problems in her body were frightened by James' serious injury this time. Small problems continued, Emily My cousin doesn’t understand anything, even after learning a little from her mother, she is still a bit reluctant and timid to manage the daily life of the family, let alone Carol as a pregnant woman, her belly is very big, the doctor concluded that it was twins, and this The second fetus was a bit unstable, and since October, she has been prohibited from doing any strenuous and mentally exhausting activities.

I had my plaster cast removed in October and I went to visit James with Carl.

James was so happy to see me and gave me a big hug in his wheelchair.He joked very frankly, saying that fortunately he was injured, otherwise he would not be able to go home to rest and miss Carol's delivery.

After saying hello to several women in the James family, I was dragged by James to the study to help with some business affairs. He kept talking, very optimistic, even a little too optimistic, and kept talking in his mouth, more than before. Can say any time.

I cooperated and listened carefully, keeping up with his rhythm.He just told me a few interesting things that happened after he got home. He was being teased by himself, and suddenly stopped, the smile on his face seemed to be wiped off, stiff and numb.

"Sometimes I really feel like I'm dying," he said softly. "I have to pretend I don't care, I'm not sad. Mom and Carol, and Emily, they're women, a I fell ill, one was pregnant, and the other didn't understand anything. If I still blamed everyone for being a useless person, who would support this family? But I really can't pretend anymore, Henry, I think I Going crazy."

As he spoke, the muscles on his face suddenly twisted, he gritted his teeth, and tears glistened in his red eyes.

"James!" I quickly stood up and walked around the table, squatting beside him and holding his tightly clenched fist, "James, don't be so pessimistic, you will definitely recover, it just takes time. After all, this is not a small hurt."

"You don't need to comfort me." James shook his head, "I understand. I just need time, I need to adjust, adjust..."

He murmured, his voice getting lower and lower, his panting voice getting heavier and heavier.Suddenly, he suddenly raised his fist and hit his thigh fiercely.

"James!" I exclaimed and rushed over to stop his self-abuse, grabbing his wrist tightly.He is much stronger than me, and I can hardly hold him down.

"Why don't you feel it! Why don't you feel it!" He roared at the top of his voice, and smashed it hard again, "Henry, I've become a cripple, you know! A cripple! I'm almost 30 years old, Now I need, I need a diaper! I made myself filthy like boiled in a pigsty! It smells all over me! This is disgusting! Do you know what else it means?"

He suddenly stared at me with his bloodshot eyes, his face was full of chaotic pain, madness and bewilderment: "Do you know what else this means? It means that I can no longer satisfy my wife's desires." Demand! I can't answer her! I'm not a fucking man anymore! Why didn't the Germans just blow me up! Why did they save me! I might as well just let me die on the front lines and be a hero!"

I don't know what to say to comfort him, I can only let him howl to vent his long-suppressed pain, and try my best to control his hand to prevent his possible self-harm.

James needs to vent. He is afraid that his family will worry and pretends not to care, but it is impossible for him not to care. No one can face the reality of his paralysis so indifferently.He needs an opportunity and a channel to vent his pain. Actually, I don’t need to say anything more. He knows his responsibility and everything he has to face. He just needs to allow himself to be a little willful and weak at a certain time.Like now.

James was wailing with a vulnerability I had never seen before.As he cried, he shouted: "Oh, Henry, Henry, why should I survive? A useless person, or I can only embarrass my family. My child will be ridiculed by others in the future, because he can't be regarded as a man with a wet pants My father, Carol will be judged everywhere she goes, because she has been a widow at a young age! Henry, I really want to die, I really want to die!"

I hugged his shoulders, patted his back rhythmically, and let him rest his head on my shoulders, tears and snot all over me.

He cried and said, and it took two hours for him to regain his composure a little.I went out and brought him a clean towel to wipe his face. He embarrassedly declined my intention to help, took the towel and began to wipe his face carefully. The skin was rubbed red.

"Okay, let's change to a towel." I couldn't stand it any longer, said Shengsheng, and handed him another clean towel.He pressed the towel over his eyes and sighed a long time.

"I won't do anything stupid." James assured with a hoarse voice, "I know my responsibility, I must live, otherwise the high inheritance tax alone will drive my family into desperation. I just……"

"I understand." I patted him on the back, "People always need to vent what's in their hearts from time to time, and men are the same."

He put down the towel, and smiled weakly at me with his red eyes: "I'm glad you didn't get hurt like I did, Henry. I have Carol anyway, and the baby. If you suffer so badly Hurt, what are you going to do in the future?"

I thought about it and said, "I still have Carl."

James rolled his eyes, although his red eyelids made his eyes look weird: "Hockley, this old rascal, is just coveting your young and beautiful body! You must not be fooled by his sweet words and forget One's own career and future, men and men, it's okay to get together and mess around, but don't take it too seriously."

"Why do you always have trouble with Carl?" I smiled and shook my head, "Carl is willing to give his life for me, which was confirmed four years ago. Well, let's go back to your room first and let's tidy up, your The eyes are too swollen, I don't think you want to worry Carol and Emily, lunch is about to start."

We sat in the living room and talked in the afternoon. James picked up his eldest son and put him on his lap to tease him. Debate competition, about the management of the factory.

At the beginning, we all smiled and sat on the sofa watching the two of them go back and forth and refute each other. At this moment, I saw Carol’s eyes suddenly turned red. After a few seconds, she whispered She said something to Aunt Violet who was sitting next to her, stood up and left the room.I thought about it, and felt a little worried, so I followed out the door.

Beside the hall window off the living room, I saw Carol, holding on to the window sill with one hand, and holding a handkerchief to her mouth with the other.

I stopped two arms away from her and coughed to get her attention.

"Oh, Henry." She looked up at me, and quickly turned her head to adjust her appearance, "Why did you come out? Are they going to end?"

"I'm just a little worried about you." I said frankly, "I see your eyes are red."

"Thank you." She forced a smile, then scratched her head again, squinted her eyes, and looked at the large expanses of grass and woods outside the window.

I didn't speak, and stood by the window with her, looking out at the scenery outside.

"You know, he joked with me once, saying that it's good for him to be paralyzed now, so that he can no longer fool around with other women. He said that you often fight for me because of this kind of thing, and it's disgusting that he's out there. Mess. Now, you don't have to worry about his flirtatiousness hurting me anymore. "

I didn't answer, I just lowered my head and stared at the patterns on the wooden window sill.

"But, but..." Carol's voice choked up, "I'd rather see him flirting with a hundred younger and prettier girls in front of me than to see The way he is now! God, why is God so unfair to him! He's so young!"

I hesitated for a few seconds, and comforted me in a low voice: "Maybe after a few years of rest, I can stand up again? Big wounds always take longer to heal."

Carol sobbed softly, and said with a trembling voice: "I have been using this reason to comfort myself, but now it seems that hope is getting slimmer...but I will not leave him." She raised her head, streaming With tears in his eyes, he said firmly, "I will always take care of him. We swore before God that only death can separate us. Even if he can never stand up again, I will always love him deeply."

The author has something to say: Warmly thank Mr. Pu Ye and Mr. Yaoda for their thunders~ ummmada~~ Hahaha three thunders a day are so exciting and happy~