like drinking ice

"What did you say?" I was a little dazed.

His hand went down, slid down my arm, and under my gaze, he gently put it on the back of my hand, and then took my hand.

I don't know if it was the first time he held my hand, probably when I was in middle school, I often had such a dream, the scenes in the dream were different, sometimes it was rainy, sometimes it was school, but in the dream he always Take my hand, like all young and simple lovers.

At that time, I didn't know that it was possible to go to bed without feelings, and I didn't know that a secret love would be a long tug-of-war with myself. All I wanted was to hold hands like this and walk quietly together for a while.

Now the scenery is still the same, and the personnel are completely different. He took my hand, but told me again seriously and calmly: "Xu Lang, you can't go back."

I didn't speak anymore, I was silent for a while, he looked into my eyes.

I think I understand what he means.

I tried hard to take my hand back, but he refused to let go, holding my hand, I struggled to take it back, neither of them said a word, just silently and decisively doing their own things, my nose hurt He was sweating, and his heart was full of fear, but he refused to let go no matter what.

I ended up knocking over the bowl of soup in my struggle, and he dragged me over.

My heart was still beating wildly because of excessive excitement, I grabbed his arm and tried to push him away, but he whispered in my ear: "You can't leave, Xu Lang."

"You can't do this." My voice was almost begging, I stopped pushing him, but grabbed his shoulders, as long as I thought of the meaning contained in his words, I felt a burst of shock: "Zheng Ao , you can’t do this, I want to go home, I have to work, my dad is waiting for me to go home..."

He looked into my eyes and shook his head slightly.

"You dare not do that." Seeing that begging is useless, I instinctively started to scare him: "My dad won't agree, my dad will look for me, you won't break up with the Li family, it's not worth it!"

He chuckled lightly.

"If your dad didn't know that you were lost, he wouldn't have looked for you," he raised his hand, his cool fingertips touched my cheek, he tilted his head, as if he was looking at my face seriously, His tone was so lazy, as if he was talking about something unimportant: "I'll tell Uncle Li first, he can't find you back, how dare he tell your father? No one will know if Uncle Li will help me hide it." .”

A chill rose from the back of my spine, and I took a step back, avoiding his hand.

"Li Zhurong won't let you go."

He didn't seem to care.

"My father is dead, Uncle Li can't kill me too." He smiled lazily at me: "As long as I don't die, you can't go back... Besides, there is the Ye family."

I looked at him in disbelief.

The person in front of me is obviously the same Zheng Ao that I am so familiar with, the corners of his eyes and brows, the arc of his smile, and the expression of not caring about the collapse of the sky, are all the same as before.

However, I feel strange like never before.

"Don't go crazy, Zheng Ao! You also know that you don't have any other feelings for me. You just depend on me. Just let it go. Sooner or later, you will meet someone you like, and you will turn back on that day. Look, this little dependence is not worth mentioning at all. It is not worth the loss if you turn against the Li family over such a trivial matter..."

"I don't want to go that day anymore." He put his arms around my waist: "I just want now."

I avoid his hand.

He grabbed my wrist.

"Do you know what I hate the most?" He leaned closer to me, half a head taller than me, the light cast the shadow of the tip of his nose on my face, his amber eyes looked at me like a fairy tale hidden in countless stories Tan Shui: "What I hate the most is when I sat next to you when I was eating at Li's that day, but you pretended to be unfamiliar with me. I hate that you go to work every day and meet those stupid clients , to get along with your mediocre colleagues. I hate that you can perfunctory everyone in this world, but refuse to say a word to me."

"I didn't stop talking to you, we are still friends."

"I don't want you to be my friend. I want you to be the same as before. I want you to stay by my side and stay with me forever. If you refuse to give it to me, I have to grab it myself." He said lightly, as if it was a game.

"You will make me hate you, Zheng Ao!"

"Then hate me!" He said softly, the corners of his mouth seemed to be smiling, but his eyes seemed to be sad.He recklessly turned the scene into a mess, but his eyes were more innocent than anyone else in the world.

The anger in my heart finally burst out uncontrollably.

"Why is this! Are you crazy! No one benefits from this! Do you have to drag everyone into the swamp to be happy!"

"Because I am such a person..." He answered me softly, looking into my eyes: "Because I am so selfish, I want you to be by my side, always with me. You don't want me to sleep with someone else , I did it, you said you love me, and I am willing to stay with you forever, but you still have to go. I think I may not be able to do what you ask, I try to be your ordinary friend, but I I'm very unhappy. I have to deal with the Guan family next year, and I don't have time to fight with Uncle Li, so I got engaged to Ye Susu and asked the Ye family to be my ally. You see, Xu Lang, I am such a person, I have to If you don't get it, you have to grab it, you always know..."

I'm at a loss for words.

He is like a lunatic, but his plan is meticulous and there are no loopholes. He said his plan lightly, but every sentence is ruining my life.

He even just asked about my job and sighed.

I can only hope that this is just his spur of the moment, because if he is serious and determined to trap me in Zheng's house, I will probably really go crazy.

A long time ago, I knew that there was a difference between me, him, and Li Xiu.They are the true favored children of heaven and irreplaceable heirs, but I am just an ordinary person who got into it by mistake. Even if they and I sit at the same table to eat and sleep on the same bed, we are still fundamentally different.Because maybe they could ruin the life of someone like me with a mere lift of their hand.

But I just know it.

I just really understood today.

I wanted to laugh a little, and opened my mouth, only to realize that I actually wanted to cry.

"I seem to..." I looked into his eyes: "I seem to be starting to regret meeting you, Xiao Ao."

If I didn't know him, I might walk through those dark days alone, but I will grow up eventually, and I will try my best to grow into a sunny look. I will face the storms of life alone, not in the long Struggling in secret love, and finally being dragged into such a quagmire.

My job, my case that has not yet been opened, the house that I have been looking forward to is very close to the company, my goal, the people I want to help...

Became so distant because of his selfish and crazy decisions.

Zheng Ao did not refute, did not ask why.

He just put his arms around me, lying on the bed like he was home after a long night at work, resting his chin on my shoulder, which was a good fit for his height, and he even sighed very softly.

"But I never regretted meeting you," he said.

I feel very tired.

When I met him, he was only four years old, he would comfort me, he would accompany me.Then he finally grew into something I didn't know.

He is too smooth, so he can't bear a little loss and discomfort in life. He is too selfish, because he wants it, so he won't take my life into consideration.It's not love, or even affection, it's just a need.I knew early on that he was spoiled and he didn't love me.

But I never knew that he didn't care about my life at all.

I should be angry, but I feel deeply tired. Anger needs energy, but my heart is like a burned forest, leaving only ashes all over the ground, and not even a little extra emotion can grow.I really want to ask him if he has any feelings for me and why he treats me like this.

But I can't ask.

I don't want to know the answer.

The light is so warm, his body is slender and strong, and the warmth makes me feel so tired, I really want to sleep like this, and wake up to find that everything is just a nightmare, and he is still the one who is stranger to me.

"My dad will be very sad if he finds out..."

The heart-pounding pain of being hurt by the one you love is almost desperate, because it is love, the unique love, and because it is difficult to fall in love with others in the future, it is rooted in the soul.No matter how good the life is, no matter how warm the embrace, the scars can't disappear.

"But I have already apologized to Teacher Xu."

I had a long, long dream.

There are many fragments intertwined in the dream, I think of the things I have experienced again and again, the things I love about Zheng Ao, but none of them make me feel happy, I am getting more and more sad, more and more desperate, and finally wake up come over.

It was dark all around, I couldn't figure out where I fell asleep, and then I heard Zheng Ao's breathing.

He was sleeping next to me, with his hands and feet wrapped around me, wrapping me in his arms, I touched his face, it was a little cold.

I remembered what happened at dinner.

I know I'm at Zheng's house, I think of what he said, the last thing I remember, is him hugging me, I feel sleepy.My head is still a little dizzy and I think there is something wrong with what I ate for dinner.

I don't know what my dad is doing now, whether he is looking for me.I don't know how Li Zhurong explained it to my dad, I hope he can lie to my dad, because if my dad finds out, he will be very sad, if he can't get me back, he will be even more sad, he will even I blame myself, his health is not good, I originally wanted to move out of the house later to avoid his sadness.

But I don't know if I can go back.

Maybe Zheng Ao is just a momentary impulse, maybe he will fall in love with someone and realize that he no longer needs me.Maybe Li Zhurong will beat him and force him to hand me over.

Maybe not.

I don't want to stay here.

I want to go back to work, to pick up cases, to work overtime with colleagues in the firm, to have something to eat near the school with Luo Xi, to watch the spring in Beijing, to go for a walk, to save some money, and to pay off my debts Go abroad to see.Instead of staying here, watching him get engaged, watching him get entangled with others, watching him marry Ye Susu into the family.

I remembered what Li Xiu asked Zheng Ao, he said: "Xu Lang is like this, is it considered a concubine? Is it considered stealing?"

It's just a prophecy, ridiculous and sad.

Even for homosexuals, it is unforgivable for one of them to get married, not to mention that he doesn't love me, and he still drags me here, staying in that despicable position.

He bullies me like this, uses me, he doesn't even love me at all.If he had even the slightest bit of distress for me, he would not insult me ​​like this.

He is so unscrupulous, just because I love him.

I just think about it like this, and I feel hatred in my heart.

I got used to the darkness, and my vision became clear. I turned my face, and Zheng Ao was sleeping peacefully next to me. Even in such a dark place, I could vaguely perceive his delicate outline, his hair was disheveled, and I could see his chest Slightly undulating, further up, is the collarbone and fragile neck.

I raise my hand.

He was still sleeping soundly, without any sign of waking up, my hand approached, but he still didn't move, his side face was covered with hair, and his lips were slightly hooked.

He trusts me so much, he counts that I can't do such a thing, because he knows that I love him.He sleeps next to me so reassuringly, after he said he was going to ruin my life, he said my clients were stupid, my colleagues were mediocre, and my firm was just a pile of rubbish in his eyes. The meaning is just to stay by his side and take care of him, even after he has a wife, continue to be a contemptible and ridiculous Xieyu flower.

I hated it so much that my heart ached.

His neck was exposed to the air, so vulnerable, so defenseless.

As long as you pinch it down, whether it's love or hatred, grievances or resentment, or too much bullying, it's all written off.He is the last member of the Zheng family, Zheng Yehu will not come out again, Guan Ying hates him, Li Zhurong is worried about my father, and must keep me, so many people hate him, so many people are waiting to carve up the Zheng family, I will not be held accountable, there will be no danger.I can continue to have my career, my life, my friends and my life.

But I can't do it.

After all the things he did, I still can't.As long as I think that he will die and disappear in this world, and there will be no such person named Zheng Ao from now on, my heart hurts like being torn in two, my hands are shaking, but there is a monster roaring in my heart, As if to tear my chest out and stop my crazy and cruel thoughts.

He treated me so badly that I wanted to kill him.

But I still love him.

I have never understood why Lin Wei couldn't burn everything together, and why he loved so cheaply.

It turns out that no one wants to be cheap.

It's just the direction of the heart, and it's not in the slightest.

I used to think that love is water, warm and silent, but it flows silently, no one can hear it, but it flows into nine bends and ten bends in your heart.Later I thought love was ice, with sharp edges and corners, and if I wanted to swallow it, I had to be bloody and bloody.

I just learned today that love is actually a flower in a stone, fire in ice, love is a wound you cannot heal, it is the name you still remember when you are 60 years old, love is a little blood in your heart, after drinking ice for ten years, it is still in you Burning on the tip of the heart, burning into a brand, burning into a little cinnabar on your bones.

Love is never yours.