through those heavy years

Every time Zuo Wanyu talked about these things, she always eloquently.I sat quietly and listened, nodding now and then to show that I heard.She spoke very hard until she finished speaking with great interest. Seeing that I didn't respond much, she felt bored, so she lowered her head and played with her mobile phone, and then fell into a deep sleep.She's been very lethargic lately.

One day, she fell asleep.I sat at my desk, distracted.It has been more than two months since I was released from prison, and I have enough travel expenses to go home and buy a lot of things for my grandma, but I still hesitate to leave.When I went home, because of some fear factor, there was constant resistance in my heart.

Pick up the pen and write a letter to grandma.Tell her I'm out of jail, I'm doing well, and I'll be back to see her soon.Only when I wrote the letter could I dissipate some of my fear, and I felt that after my grandma read the letter, it would be easier for her to accept it when she went home.

Zuo Wanyu woke up halfway and got up to go to the bathroom.When she came to my side, she saw what I was writing with a pen and asked curiously, "What are you doing?"

I quickly closed the letterhead, put it in my notebook, and looked at the desktop as if nothing had happened, feeling a little flustered.I still can't accept that when I'm writing something, someone suddenly comes to see and ask, which makes me feel inferior.

Zuo Wanyu was a little annoyed at the action of covering up for me.Because she felt that I had something to hide from her.

She said, "What are you hiding?"

I honestly replied: "Write to grandma!"

"Grandma?" Zuo Wanyu was a little surprised, "You still have grandma?"

"En!" I responded casually.

"Oh!" She was a little bored, "You never told me about your family!"

I don't know how to answer, I'm a stickler for myself, I don't like to talk about family affairs, let alone grandma.

"Why didn't you call?"

"I don't have a phone number!"

"You got out of jail and never went back?

"no!"

Zuo Wanyu suddenly seemed to understand, with some sympathy for someone, she leaned her head on my shoulder and said softly:

"Then when will you take me to your hometown to see grandma?"

If I take her back to my hometown to see grandma, grandma will definitely reduce her alienation and indifference towards me.However, I haven't decided whether to take her back or not.It was still the fear that made me feel that the act of bringing it home was rebellious.Maybe upgrade to another level.When a person faces it, he doesn't care about it, and when it extends to the family, there will be subtle changes unconsciously, which seem to be completely different concepts.

I need to think about it.I can no longer be as decisive as I used to be.Indecisive and start getting closer and closer to life.

Seeing that I didn't answer, Zuo Wanyu probably understood the meaning.After going to the toilet, she went back to bed and fell asleep.We didn't talk for a few days because of this.

Later, she went out for a day, and when I came back from get off work, there was no one in the room.I don't know where she went, and I didn't leave a note.I sat on the bed in a daze for a while, then got up habitually, and went to the kitchen to make dinner.Cooking is easy and easy for me.After finishing the meal, facing the delicious meal, I feel lost with no name.I feel a little disgusted with this dependence on myself.

It was eleven o'clock at night.Zuo Wanyu is back.She opened the door and saw me sitting at the desk, facing some meals, silently.She suddenly choked up a little.Come up to me and sit down and say, "Why are you waiting for me?"

I didn't speak, because I couldn't tell why, because of the silent loss.

She continued to ask: "Do you like me, why did you agree to be with me?"

I still can't give a definite answer.Will choose to agree, is something that cannot be said clearly, at least for me.

She shed tears and took a few mouthfuls of food.Jiujiu said, "I went to the hospital today!"

"I am pregnant!"

"Pregnant?!" I looked at her in a daze, without even half a thought in my mind.

"It's been two months, it's yours!" She continued to eat, her voice inaudible.The coming of a child meant a lot, and to her it was haunting and shadowy.She is afraid of repeating the same mistakes, and worried about the child's growing heart and future; she does not believe in men, and is even more disgusted with her own identity. She is afraid that the child will think of her when he grows up. She is extremely insecure now, and she longs for a little care.

But as for me, I still seem to be in a trance, already dumbstruck.Children, when this word flashes across their minds like a bolt of lightning, they lose their normal judgment. It seems that after the lightning passes, a huge vacancy is left in the mind, and this vacancy is infinitely magnified.

She wiped away her tears, feeling very uneasy about my non-response, perhaps already seeing me as a beast who was about to abandon them and felt sad.She said: "Why, don't you believe it. I am □□ and I am pregnant now. You must think that the child is not yours and want to leave, right?"

She was a little angry, and said seriously: "It's still those words. I'm right, but unlike Wang Xiaowen, I take all the guests. I only have sex with one person at a time. Although this will I can't make money, so I'm not a qualified sex. But my principle is like this, and my code of conduct also doesn't allow me to accept sex with multiple men in one time period.

"Moreover, I want to declare. I have always done a good job with people. So my body is healthy and I have never contracted any of those diseases. I only met you on the first day, and I did not ask to bring Put on a condom. Because I feel someone I can trust, I'm willing to give. And if I choose to be together, I won't betray in the meantime. So I conceived your child. I am pregnant with him and I am not afraid of not being able to feed , won’t grow up. I’m afraid he won’t have a complete family!”

After she finished speaking, knowing that she would not get any reply, she put down the dishes, slammed the door and went back to her room.The heavy closing sound resounded in the whole building, as if it was a dull sound to the world.

As Zuo Wanyu said, a child needs a complete family to grow up.If I have a child, how should I accompany him to grow up.It was too sudden and I didn't know how to deal with it. I sat alone until three o'clock in the middle of the night.

I first emptied myself, and then slowly gathered bits and pieces of information in the darkness.A faint smiling face of a baby appeared in front of his eyes, and there seemed to be clear and clear cries and laughter.Then the whole surrounding lit up, sparkling my eyes.I feel a refreshing breeze on my cheeks, and life feels like a whole new life.Then, with a "haha", I laughed out of nowhere.After all fears were cast away, there was a sudden sense of happiness.

"En!" I seemed to make up my mind.My child, he needs a comfortable home and loving parents.His family will laugh and play with him, give him enough care and love, participate in every bit of his life, let him grow up with laughter in the sun, tell him not to be afraid, not to be alone, to go forward bravely, and his parents are always by his side.He wants to have a healthy and happy childhood, a positive and courageous life, and a happy life.Maybe just seeing his smiling face will make everything worthwhile and life full of meaning.

hehe!Looking forward to the birth of a child, during such a period of time, people will have a lot of daydreams, and often laugh alone.

When I got off work the next day, I walked very briskly.I finished cooking and hurried to knock on Zuo Wanyu's door.After knocking for a long time, Zuo Wanyu opened the door slowly.She seemed to have just woken up, with messy hair, casual clothes, puffy eyes, and a sleepy look.

Her room was tidy and clean, with brightly colored drawings pasted on the walls, matched with the ivory white bed and table, it was very warm together.

I looked at her and said solemnly: "The baby is about to be born, let's raise it together!"

She has been using probing eyes to see if there is a trace of falsehood in me.She seemed to be very moved, and slowly lowered her head.She murmured: "Aren't you afraid that the child is not yours? However, I can guarantee that when the child is born, you can go for a DAN test!"

I smiled slightly and said, "I never doubted it from the beginning to the end, it's just you who think it randomly!"

She slowly raised her head to look at me, with joy and happiness in the corners of her eyes.She hugged me tightly with her arms and pressed her body against my body, with our growing child between us.She said warmly: "I'm hungry!"

"The meal is ready!" I let her hold me, and I replied with a smile.

The table is full of good dishes.Corn rib soup, steamed sea bass, sweet and sour sweet and sour pork, vinegar potato shreds.Fragrant and steaming.When people look at it, they can't help but swallow their saliva.

Zuo Wanyu sat on the stool, and I stood aside to help her prepare the meal.Her hand holding the chopsticks trembled a little, tears wet her eyes unconsciously.She ate a few mouthfuls and wiped away her tears.Looking at me, he said for a long time:

"Is what you said true?"

"Yes!"

"You will raise our mother and son?!"

"Will do!"

"You won't be like that man?"

"will not!"

"Do you mind if I'm a ___?"

"I don't think so!"

"........."

"Then if one day, you really want to abandon our mother and son, please remember to tell us in advance. Don't leave without saying a word, so that our mother and son are not psychologically prepared at all! You don't know how much harm it will cause."

"Will not abandon!"

"I said just in case, there are many things in case!"

"it is good!"

She cried so much during that meal, she had her own thoughts and emotions to fill these tears.But aside from the arrival of the child, it was more that my chest felt heavy and I couldn't breathe.

She continued: "Am I a strange person? You are silent to me, thinking that you are no different from those people; you are kind to me, but you feel unreal, as if everything that is too happy is a dream. In fact, I discovered , a lot of times it’s not about you, it’s because I’m too insecure. I don’t know how to be open-minded, so are you willing to do your best for me and my child to make me feel completely safe?”

Seeing that I didn't answer in time, she said nervously: "Am I going too far, there are so many demands for a ****!"

"How could it be?!" I tried my best to stabilize her emotions.I have always been a person who lacks a sense of security.I don't know how to do my best, and I feel very anxious at the moment.I don't know where the anxiety comes from, and I don't know why there is such a fear.In short, people are very contradictory.Sometimes I feel happy, sometimes I feel uneasy, so I understand her mood.