Be Dazai's mother

I came to the hospital in the city center with the housekeeper. After saying hello to the nurse, we brought the fruits we bought on the way to the ward where Master Xiuzhi was.

The curtains were tied aside, and the windows were open. Even standing at the door some distance away, you could still see snowflakes falling outside the window.Some snowflakes had settled inside, falling on the edge of the window.

The boy sitting on the bed by the window looked at the distant scenery. He was wearing a slightly thin hospital gown, almost covered with bandages.Hearing the sound of the ward door being opened, he turned his head to look at me.

"Xingzi, long time no see." Master Xiuzhi said with a smile.

Not seen for a few days, maybe because of illness, he seems to have become more emaciated.

"...I haven't seen you for a few days, Master Xiuzhi." I said with a smile.

After saying hello to me, Master Xiuzhi started talking with the butler beside him, and as a maid, I stood quietly in the corner and listened to their conversation.

Master Xiuzhi asked the housekeeper about the school, then asked him about the Tsushima family, and after hesitating for a while, asked him about the master.

Although Master Xiuzhi looked very calm, if he would ask, it meant that he really cared about his father, right?

The butler shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Master Xiu Zhi, the master is really busy."

Master Xiuzhi opened his mouth and said calmly, "I see."

He looked at his hands on the quilt, unable to tell whether he was happy or unhappy.But I always feel that he may be a little lost.

Always feel very anxious.

I think so.

I don't know what strange things are affecting all this.Maybe it's because being a parent doesn't have to be tested.Many parents will self-righteously treat their children as their own property, instead of treating them as an existence and equal to themselves.

Especially in the current climate of society, it is honorable to be forcibly recruited, it is shameful for a man to shed tears, and it is shameful for a woman to disobey her parents' arrangements.

Many families treat their sons harshly and their daughters like pets.Not to mention love lightly, holding the name of "I'm doing this for your own good", and burdening my children with things I don't want at all.I also try to let my children experience my good intentions from this controlled, harsh, and distorted "love".

Before, I would not hold too many opinions on this.Rather, I am a person who does not express my thoughts to the outside world.

And, if anything, most parents were "victims" in their own families.Because they have never been loved normally, naturally they will not love their children normally.

Nobody is a natural parent, and whoever is a first-time parent is a clumsy novice when it comes to having their first child.And the influence of the original family is difficult to dissipate, it seems to be a nightmare that lingers for a lifetime.

Whenever you feel that you want to criticize someone, you must remember that not all people in this world have what you have. This sentence is a sentence that Mei liked very much when she was in school. I accepted it. Part of her memory I also like this line.I will always keep this sentence in mind when facing most situations in life.

However, behaviors such as domestic violence, abuse, abandonment, etc. can be directly kicked out of the scope of parents, and they are no longer human.For real harm, my tolerance is always very low, and I don't want to know the past and experience of the person who caused the irreversible ending.

After a long story, I don't mean to blame the children or defend the parents, I just feel sad for this twisted "family relationship".

After all, whether it is a parent or a child, in the final analysis, it is not a label or two, but a complex person, a "person" who has his own emotions, has truly lived in this world, and has been hurt and hurt others .

Most of us are not born saints or villains, we are all just ordinary people, desperately struggling, struggling, struggling in this world, longing for happiness.

Of course, to put it nicely, I am an absolutely neutral person, but to be honest, I am actually an arrogant and indifferent bystander who does not care about other people and is immersed in his own world.Only in this way can we calmly analyze that both parties are actually victims.

But as long as I think that it is Master Xiuzhi who is treated so indifferently, I can't calm down.

If it were my child, I would never be like this—

I froze for a moment, then suddenly remembered the dream I had last night, and sighed with some headache.

Really, have you been affected by Mei's emotions again?Obviously know it can't be like this.

I calmed down, and quietly looked at Master Xiuzhi who was still talking to the housekeeper.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen you for a few days, and it seems that Master Xiuzhi is wrapped in more bandages than before.

I was puzzled by this discovery, I glanced at Master Xiuzhi who was talking and laughing with the butler, and finally swallowed the confusion first.

After the housekeeper finished talking with Master Xiuzhi, he went out to talk with the doctor beside him. Before leaving, the housekeeper said to me: "I'll go out for a while, you have to take good care of Master Xiuzhi."

"I see." I said.

When the door closed with a "click", Master Xiuzhi put his gaze on me.The smile on his face also faded a bit.

Master Xiuzhi stared at me quietly with his naked eyes, which seemed to suppress a bottomless sea, which made people feel like they were almost drowning.

For some reason, seeing his calm eyes, I felt a little flustered, so I could only smile stiffly and say, "What's wrong? Master Xiuzhi."

He looked at me and asked, "Did Sachiko go to my school just now?"

I hesitated for a moment, and responded to him: "Yes, I also met Mr. Hiroki, a classmate of Master Xiuzhi."

I don't think it's a good thing to lie to a child casually.Rather, if you often lie to your child, it will only make the other party distrust you.Maybe it will also cause a serious psychological shadow on the child's growth, making it difficult for the other party to build a relationship of trust with others.

So I looked at Master Shuji and honestly told him about my encounter with Hiroki Fujii.

Master Xiuzhi didn't seem to respond, he just stared straight at me.

This probably means not happy?

I blinked, leaned my head over and asked, "Are you unhappy?"

Master Xiuzhi is good everywhere, but it is indeed a bit distressing not to say what he likes and dislikes lightly-this also means that this child is not "allowed" to express his likes and dislikes easily?

Master Xiuzhi didn't answer me, but turned his head back slowly and said, "I want to eat an apple."

"I see." I didn't continue to talk about the topic just now, but responded with a smile, and peeled the apple for him.

Looking at him nibbling apples like a hamster, I always feel that it's good for time to continue like this.

Afterwards, I cleaned the quilt for Master Xiuzhi, and Master Xiuzhi also chatted with me from time to time.I noticed a few books on the table next to his hospital bed, presumably to pass the time while in the hospital.

Those few books seem to be small animal painting books that children of this age like very much. I always feel that they should not be the type that Master Xiuzhi would like, and they may be given to him by nurses in the hospital or something like that.

"Sigh." Master Xiuzhi sighed like a little adult, and said, "I really don't want to be hospitalized."

"Huh?" I looked at him with some doubts, and said, "Is there something uncomfortable living here?" As I said this, I aimed at the bed quilt in the room.

The bed quilt looks a bit flimsy, will he be cold?Do you really want to bring an extra quilt?Also, the nutritious meals in the hospital should be quite unpalatable. Would he not like it?If only there was something nutritious and delicious.It's a pity that I'm not good at cooking, otherwise I could cook something for Master Xiuzhi to eat.

Facing my question, Master Xiuzhi just shook his head and said, "It's not about that."

I blinked blankly, suddenly realized something, and said, "Ah, could it be that..."

I looked at his face carefully and asked, "Is the hospital at night scary?"

The hospital at night is often rumored to be haunted, not to mention children, even I will feel scared.

Master Xiuzhi nodded slightly. Although there was no expression on his face, his left eye was staring at me all the time, like a puppy sitting in a box with nowhere to go and looking at passers-by. Silently say "please take me in".

"Can Sachiko accompany me?" He said in a small, childish voice.

Woo hoo - crit!My soul has reached heaven at this moment.

No one can face such a scene and remain calm, right?

It's just that whether I can stay in the hospital to take care of Master Xiuzhi is not up to me after all.

I hesitate.Although I am actually afraid of the dark and the hospital at night, if it is to accompany Master Xiuzhi, no matter how scared I am, I will definitely accompany him.

But if the housekeeper disagrees, even if I stay cheeky, I will only be kicked out.

"I'll talk to Mr. Tsuruta." Master Xiuzhi noticed my hesitation and said.

The butler's full name is Soichiro Tsuruta, and Master Shuji calls him Mr. Tsuruta just like us.

Now that he has said that, I can only say: "If Mr. Tsuruta agrees, then I can only stay."

As I said that, I smiled at Master Xiuzhi.

Master Xiuzhi seemed a little happy with a gentle expression on his face. After the housekeeper and the doctor finished talking about their affairs, he told the housekeeper that I should stay and take care of him tonight.

The housekeeper glanced at me and said, "Is it Xingzi? If it's her, I can feel more at ease. Just follow Master Xiuzhi's instructions and let her stay tonight."

"I see." I said to the butler politely.

The housekeeper and Master Xiuzhi explained some more things, such as the master's order that even if you are recuperating, you must not leave behind your studies, and then left.

There are special nurses in the hospital to take care of Young Master Xiuzhi. When they saw me sitting beside him and talking to him, they thought I was his family member. One of the nurses even asked me this directly.

I was stunned for a moment, shaking my hands in a panic, and said: "No, no, no." Because I was too flustered all of a sudden, I said "no" several times in a slurred speech, and after calming down a little, I said embarrassingly: "I'm just a maid in Master Xiuzhi's house."

These days, I have been worrying about this kind of thing. I was caught off guard and asked if I am the family member of Master Xiuzhi. I almost thought that I just unconsciously exposed something.

The nurse covered her mouth with an "ah!" and said with some embarrassment, "I'm sorry, I said something strange."

Just as I was about to say it's okay, Master Xiuzhi who was sitting on the hospital bed said, "Does it look like it?"

I pinched my fingers a little helplessly, wondering if he was angry?In this world with distinct classes, it is normal for Master Xiuzhi to be angry if he is said to be a maid's family.

I'm just...a little sad.

From the outside, of course, Master Xiuzhi and I are completely different.

Even though he was wearing a slightly thin hospital gown, Master Xiuzhi still had an air of aristocrat.The bandages all over his body didn't make him look weird, it just made him look slightly sick.No matter who saw him, he would think he was the young master of some rich family.

On the contrary, I can't hide a dusty aura no matter what.What's more, I don't know how to dress up at all. Although I reluctantly dressed up with the help of Mami-san because of the inexplicable "social etiquette" that women must dress up, and not dressing up is impolite, but I can't hide the inferiority in my bones of.

Of course, it's not Mei's fault, even if I'm wearing Sayuri who is so beautiful that people can't take my eyes off it, I think I still feel the same as before.

No matter how beautiful the skin is, the soul inside cannot be changed.No matter how beautiful my skin is, I am still just that Sachiko, an ordinary and weak Sachiko, not someone else.

What's more, Master Xiuzhi has brown hair, but the Mei I wear has wine red hair, no matter how you look at it, it doesn't look like——

"It's very similar." The nurse who asked the question just now said so.

She closed her eyes tightly as if she was worried about how to describe it, and kept gesticulating with her hands, saying: "It's not that they look alike, but the atmosphere... how should I put it, it just gives people a kind of "ahhh , these two may be family members, right? Ah! Xiao Xing! Why did you hit me!"

Another nurse next to her patted her, looked at us apologetically, and said, "I'm sorry, Huazi is just here, she doesn't know how to speak yet."

"What do you mean you can't speak?"

I looked at Master Xiuzhi submissively, just in time to meet the boy's eyes, I was startled, and immediately turned my head away from him.

The nurses Xiaoxing and Huazi apologized and left the room.

I certainly don't blame them.Rather, when Huazi said that I was very similar to Master Xiuzhi, my heart was indeed overflowing with joy at that moment.

It was as if the most magnificent firework in the world flew into the sky at that moment, bursting out the most beautiful fireworks deafeningly, which made my brain blank and my chest ached.

The ice-like silence returned to the ward. I was silent for a while, looked at Master Xiuzhi, and said softly: "Sorry, Master Xiuzhi. Please don't pay attention to what the nurse said just now. I am just a servant. I think what the nurse said It bothers you too."

"..."

Master Xiuzhi watched me quietly, his face showed a calmness and indifference that didn't fit a child of this age.There was neither joy nor disgust on his face, Master Xiuzhi just asked calmly: "Then what do you think, Sachiko? Who is my family?"

"Your family is naturally the old lady and other ladies and young masters." I answered him with a "correct" smile.

Master Xiuzhi didn't speak, he looked at me silently, the eye that wasn't bound by the bandage looked extremely empty, as if asking silently: Do you really think so?

Do you really think so?Sachiko Kotori.

I clenched my fist unconsciously and said it again: "'Family'."

"Huh?" He responded suspiciously.

"'Family' is a very special word in my eyes." I lowered my eyes, crossed my fingers, and said, "It's a word above lovers, friends, and even flesh and blood relatives whose blood dissolves in water."

Master Xiuzhi looked at me in surprise and said, "You are the type with very heavy emotions."

"Surprised?" I asked with a smile.

"Because the image gap with Sachiko is a bit big, I'm really a little surprised. But when you think about some of your daily behaviors, it feels natural." Master Xiuzhi said.

I might give the impression that I am the weak and indecisive type, but I always feel a little embarrassed to have such heavy emotions.

Mei's character is just rebellious and sensitive, but I can still clearly feel what kind of person I am after losing my memory.

Selfish, indifferent, arrogant, and extremely extreme, once you have feelings for something, it will evolve into a plot similar to making ribs into rings in horror novels.

Of course, I know this is wrong, so I try to restrain myself when I am conscious.After all, I don't want to burden people.

Even if the memory is lost, some instinct-like things will still remain.I think the me before amnesia was probably the kind that once I got emotionally involved in something, it would become more and more out of control, and at the same time, I would cut off this emotion before it became more terrifying.

For example.If I continue to make friends with Sayuri and develop a deep friendship with her, then I will probably gradually develop fanaticism in the future.I would feel hopeless and miserable because of this frenzy.In order not to let myself continue to suffer, I will probably sever ties with her quickly, right?

Thinking about it this way, I really can't form a long-term relationship with anyone because of my twisted personality.

But "family" is different.Even if you are in a different place, even if you can't meet each other, even if there is no blood relationship, the bond of real family members cannot be broken.

Therefore, if I really become a "family" with someone in the future, then I will definitely put an extremely heavy and distorted love on the other person.

I know that I may have major flaws in being a human being. At least such a heavy love can no longer be called love, and it will only make the other party feel overwhelmed.

But if human beings are really creatures that can easily correct their own defects, then there will not be so many people living in such pain.

"Heavy and twisted love..." Young Master Xiuzhi propped his cheeks, and seemed to be thinking about something.He looked at me and seemed to want to say something to me, he hesitated for a moment, perhaps because he felt that the words were too intimate for a young master and a maid, he shook his head, and finally said nothing.

Seeing his expression, I shook my hands in a panic, and said with a stiff smile, "Hahahahaha, that's a bit of a boring topic. Sorry, let's talk about something else?"

"Why do you have to apologize?" Master Xiuzhi looked at me with some puzzlement, he raised the corners of his mouth and said softly, "There's nothing wrong with it, right?"

I was stunned, and looked at Master Xiuzhi blankly.

"It's just that I have a slightly heavier feeling than others, and there's nothing wrong with it," said Master Xiuzhi.

"At least you can still love, but some people don't even have the ability to love. Even if they know that they are loved, they will only feel fear." Master Xiuzhi with his face propped up seemed to be just looking out of the window but seemed to be Look elsewhere.

That is a very, very distant place that no one can touch.

I was silent for a while, looked at the scenery outside the window with him, and sighed with unknown meaning.

"It's not easy to love or be loved."

Is it more painful for those who love others or for those who are loved?

The author has something to say: The last sentence was actually inspired by the incident between Mr. Osamu Dazai and Mr. Kazuo Tan. 23333’s well-known phrase “is it more painful for those who wait, or more painful for those who wait.”

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