Be Dazai's mother

"I found you." The young child said while grabbing me.

What is this feeling of familiarity and strangeness?Do I... know this kid?

I thought so, so I asked, "Excuse me, do I know you?"

The kid froze for a moment with such incredible surprise on his face that I thought I might have said something wrong.For some reason, when I saw him froze for a moment, I felt like my heart ached like being stabbed.

I pursed my lips, thinking of something to say to save this embarrassing situation, the child raised his head again, grabbed my hand vigorously, he looked at me seriously and said: "Then you heard clearly."

"Ah? Hmm." I was taken aback and subconsciously responded.

The child's unbandaged eye stared at me closely. For some reason, I felt that eye should have been more hollow and darker at first, instead of being filled with tender emotions as it is now.

"My name is Dazai Osamu." The child who called himself Dazai Osamu patted himself and said to me with a smile, "It's your Dazai Xingzi's child."

How can I have children?I haven't had sex with any man yet. How could a four or five-year-old child appear without a word?It's ridiculous, how could I lie like that when I was a three-year-old kid?But why?There is always a feeling of not wanting to doubt the child.

I thought so in my head, but a name came out of my mouth uncontrollably.

"...Aji?"

I covered my mouth in surprise, but Osamu Dazai laughed a little complacently: "Look, you still remember me."

I was so shocked that my brain went blank, whether it was the child's words or my own unconscious calls, it was too scary.

Is it possible that I really had a good time with a man without knowing it, and then I gave birth to this child in October, and now this child is planning to come to me to settle accounts?If this is the case, then I am really an irresponsible mother.

"...No, where are you thinking?" Osamu Dazai was silent for a while, and said with a delicate expression as if he could see what I was thinking.

"Oh? Isn't it?" I touched the back of my head blankly.

"..." Osamu Dazai was silent for a while, then said with a headache: "We have no actual blood relationship."

I was even more at a loss, and asked: "We are not related by blood, so why am I your mother?"

Osamu Dazai snorted and said, "You should ask yourself this kind of thing."

"Even if you ask me to ask myself..." But I don't even remember who you are.

I thought with a troubled face.

Osamu Dazai saw my thoughts at a glance. He was too smart to be a child. He said: "It seems that you have been assimilated by books and now you have no memory of the real world."

Osamu Dazai put his finger on his chin and analyzed, he shook his head and said, "Anyway, it will be better if you go outside, let's go, leave here with me."

"Where are you leaving?" I asked blankly.I have been in a state of confusion since I saw this child.

"Where do you want to go?" Osamu Dazai said as if he thought the question was funny, "Of course he left this world and returned to reality."

"Back to reality?" I feel like a machine that can only repeat the other person's words at the moment.

Osamu Dazai didn't find me annoying, but explained everything to me patiently.

For some reason, I accidentally fell into the book "Disqualification in the World", and was "assimilated" by the world in the book, lost the memory of the real world, and thought that I was a person from this world.

I finally understood what Young Master Ye Zang meant by those words.It turned out that he was the protagonist of this tragic story from the very beginning, and he was destined to end in disqualification as a human being.

"To be precise, he is Oba Yozou or not Oba Yozo." Dazai Osamu said calmly: "Oba Yozou itself is just the protagonist of a book, and the one you get along with has forgotten his own memory and played the role of Oba Yozou." The author of Yozo - the "Dazai Osamu" of this world."

Everything that Osamu Dazai said is extremely bizarre, even if a normal person reluctantly believes what he said, he will definitely retain [-]% doubts.

But I believe everything he says.

Maybe it's because before I lost my memory, I really loved and believed in everything about this child so deeply that I didn't want to doubt him when I lost my memory.

"Let's leave the matter over there to the two friends of 'Osamu Dazai'." After explaining, Osamu Dazai stretched out his hand to me and said, "Besides, your assimilation is a bit serious. Inseparable from the book world."

"I have the evacuation paper given by the secretary with me, the two of us will leave this book first."

Looking at his small hand, a strong impulse surged in my heart - I wanted to grab this hand and never let go.

Even I myself have to sigh, alas, Sachiko when I didn’t lose my memory, how much do you love this child?

But I was silent for a long time, and in the end I still didn't put my hand on it. Even though I noticed that the smile on Dazai Osamu's face gradually disappeared and became calm, I still didn't put my hand on it.

why?

"...Sorry." I said, "I can't go with you just yet."

"Why?" Dazai Osamu asked a little dissatisfied.

I pursed my lips and said, "Even if I know that Master Ye Zang is just a character in a book, even if I know that he is doomed to tragedy, I still have no way to let him go like this."

There is really no way for me to leave this book like this.

"What can't you put it down?" The child in front of him seemed to be a different person, maybe he was angry because of my rejection, he showed a perfect and cold smile, and said, "Look at the scene around me .”

I subconsciously glanced at the surrounding scene following his words, the blood all over the place made my face pale.The bloody smell that I had forgotten because of talking with Dazai Osamu came back to me.

Osamu Dazai let out a suppressed laugh, the laughter seemed to be filled with unimaginable darkness, which made people unbearably shocked: "What silly things are you talking about, my Sachiko."

The words seemed to be a sigh and a pity.These are too ridiculous to describe a young and thin child, but when used on Dazai Osamu, it makes people sigh "Ah, that's right."

"What can you say that you can't let go? That's not an innocent child." Dazai Osamu set his own evaluation extremely indifferently: "That's just a monster who stepped on blood and took other people's lives. Your hesitation and struggling are useless and ridiculous."

"Because that's just a monster that will absorb nutrients from you and then deprive you of your happiness." Osamu Dazai's unbandaged eye was extremely hollow and dark, as if hiding the solid ice that would never melt.

At this time, Osamu Dazai seemed to be standing at the end of the darkness that no one could reach.His words also gave me a blow to the head, realizing that Young Master Ye Zang had already taken someone else's life and was stained with blood.

Seeing my struggle, Osamu Dazai sighed, and then showed a soft smile again. He stretched out his hand towards me and said gently: "...Anyway, don't worry about that Oba Yezo anymore, and leave with me Here it is, Sachiko."

"Oba Yozo, who is completely "evil", is no longer the existence you want to protect?" He said, looking at me with vague sadness.

"But Master Ye Zang..." I said subconsciously, but before I could say anything, Osamu Dazai cut me off decisively, and said, "Could it be that you still want to have an affair with me?" The crime of murder, as the "evil" Oba leaves, can't you hide it together?"

"I..." I muttered blankly, clenched my hands into fists, and my short nails sank into the flesh, leaving a few red marks.

For some reason, I have the feeling that I struggled with this decision a long time ago.

In my own cognition and worldview, depriving others of their lives is an unforgivable thing.Life is very heavy, even if the murderer is beheaded, the dead life will still not come back.The joys and sorrows of the deceased, the life of the deceased, and the memories left by the deceased were all easily destroyed. No matter how much others cried and shouted, no matter what they did, they would never be able to piece them back together.

Life is such a fragile and heavy thing, constantly struggling in the whole world but being drawn into the black vortex at any time.

If I still insist on helping Young Master Ye Zang after knowing this, I will have to bear the crime of depriving others of their lives.Can I have the confidence to carry the weight of my life?Can I live with the "wicked" without any hesitation?

"I..."

Suddenly different images flashed through my mind.

Young master Ye Zang who made funny tricks in front of everyone and made others laugh.

——Master Xiuzhi who was covered in wounds and bandages but always smiled quietly.

Young master Ye Zang curled up in tears at night.

——Master Xiuzhi shrinking in the closet alone.

Young master Ye Zang who just strangled my neck and wanted to kill me, but let out a mournful cry.

——Master Xiuzhi who smiled and said, "Are you here to kill me?" because I found him.

At this moment, because of all the broken memories that flashed in my mind, I suddenly remembered everything, and clearly realized that the person in front of me was Master Xiuzhi, my Azhi.

Seeing the change in my expression, Aji immediately guessed that I had recovered my memory. He heaved a sigh of relief and said, "It seems that you have recovered your memory, Sachiko. Then you should understand more clearly that this is just a book. It's just a book, don't think too much, let's go."

"No." I shook my head.

The smile on Azhi's face was distorted for a moment, he took a deep breath, seemed to be unhappy because of my repeated rejection, he said: "Why?"

"Because I will feel sorry for Ye Zang's despair and pain." I gritted my teeth and said.

"Why? This is just a fictional storybook!" Azhi increased his volume because he couldn't believe it. Even so, I still couldn't just follow him like this.

If you want to ask why-

"...Because he is very similar to you." I said with an expression on the verge of tears.

Yes, I noticed it.My Aji and Oba Yozo can be said to be peers in different worlds.It is true that they have many differences in character, but I can still clearly perceive that their essence is very similar.

Even though Oba Yozo is just a tragic protagonist in a fictional story, I still see the shadow of Aji from him. He is Aji from another world, so I feel his pain and despair and doomed tragedy feel sad.

Azhi was stunned. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but he couldn't say anything in the end. After a while, he looked at me helplessly with extremely soft eyes and said: "... So this is just a tragic protagonist of a novel, Sachiko, you are such an idiot, to have feelings for such an existence."

Azhi sighed, remembering that he hastily flipped through the pages, read a rough version of "Disqualification in the World", lowered his eyes and said softly: "But... well, yes, I have to admit, maybe he is very similar to me Maybe."

"So, when I saw Oba Yozo's ending like that, I couldn't help but feel "ah, so that's the case, I will probably end up in such a tragedy too."."

I felt sad for his words, and couldn't help saying: "No, you will never go to such a tragic ending."

Hearing my words, Aji looked up and said, "Maybe. But there's another more important thing before that, Sachiko."

Aji stared at me closely, and said seriously: "Can you still walk with me without hesitation? Sachiko, even if I will walk on the same path as this Yezang in the future, even if I will because of this Take someone's life?"

I froze again.

The apparent peace we've been so carefully maintaining has been shattered with ease.

Aji has a chaotic nature.There is no difference between good and evil, saving people and killing people. It is better to say that his thinking and actions tend to be more "evil".He just has such a chaotic nature.

It is true that for my sake, Azhi might really be able to put on a mask and be a good boy for the rest of his life.But Azhi still has an indescribable, almost fanatical pursuit of death and destruction, which he can't hide no matter how repressed he is.

Even if one day he really moved to the side of good, it would definitely require some decisive change.

It's not that I don't want to guide my children to be good like the mothers in those beautiful stories, but I clearly realize that no one can really save another person, and Azhi is not an ordinary child.

He was born with this kind of chaotic nature, which is not something I can restrain if I want to. If I forcefully suppress Azhi, it will only lead to his destruction.

Azhi is not an ordinary child who has not yet formed a basic world view. He has a soul that is equal to mine or even far above mine. He knows exactly what he is doing.

And with Azhi's talent and intelligence, he is destined not to live an ordinary life, he is born to walk between life and death.

No matter how much I try to stop it, one day Azhi will still step on the darkness himself.

If I want to continue to hold his hand, I must accept this future.

But at the same time, the burning buildings of Fuyuki City flashed in my mind, howling and struggling to survive in the face of death and disaster.

It's natural to want to live, right?In the face of death, every life is too fragile.

I will be sad because of the loss of life, but Aji will become the one who takes the life of others.

Life is an extremely heavy thing. It's not that I hate mushrooms and Aji likes mushrooms, but that every living being is forced to die.

Even though I knew that since I chose to hold Aji's hand at the very beginning, I shouldn't continue to have any struggles, but I still couldn't walk in my path without hesitation like those shining and dazzling people. on the road.

I was in a painful struggle.

If it was someone else, they must have said something to shake me at this moment, right?Whether it is to say forcefully: "You can't accept everything about me, don't hold my hand in the first place!" or say weakly: "If Sachiko can't continue to accept me, then we can separate. "

No matter what I say, I'm afraid it will make my heart fluctuate, so that I can't even think, I will just grab Azhi's hand and say that I will listen to him no matter what, right?

There's no way, I'm such a weak and indecisive person, someone who can sway my choice by just saying anything.

...But Azhi didn't say anything, he didn't laugh or get angry, he just stood there quietly like air and watched me, letting me think for myself.No matter what choice I make, he will not blame me or blame me, he will just leave quietly like now, as if he never met me from the beginning.

I...

What should I do?

Perhaps it was because seeing that I couldn't answer his question for a long time, and the pain and struggle on my face intensified, Azhi sighed helplessly, and then looked at me with extremely strange and indifferent eyes.

There seemed to be a bottomless hell hidden in his eyes, which made me feel creepy for no reason when I looked at him.

"That's why I say you are a hopeless fool." Azhi said coldly: "Do you still have hope for me?"

Saying so, the young and thin child showed a brilliant yet cold smile.

"When I first got close to you, I didn't want to get close to you? I just wanted to use you to get out of the illusion. To be honest, at that time, I thought it didn't matter whether you were dead or alive. It's just missing a toy that can be seen everywhere."

"Also, when I saw Akiko using her abilities, I didn't feel the same sighs and emotions as you, Sachiko. I just think her abilities are very valuable, and I think many people will compete for them."

"Ah, there is also that military doctor named Mori Ogai. To some extent, I am also similar to him. If that person takes Akiko away, he must use her for something. If I stand in his position, then I will use her without hesitation."

"I don't feel sad because of death like you, Sachiko. I watch other people's killing, violence, death, lies and darkness. Killing and saving are the same for me, and I can also To achieve his goals without hesitation in killing thousands."

"Now do you know? My thinking is completely different from yours. Human beings are incomprehensible to me. Deceit and lies are commonplace to me. The death of others only makes me envious. , every drop of blood on my body is filled with mud."

Azhi said indifferently and cruelly a sentence that was taken for granted, which made my heart fall to the bottom all of a sudden.

"Azhi..." I couldn't say anything, I just called him tremblingly: "...that's enough, don't say any more."

Aji smiled and said, "I'm sorry, Sachiko, I failed your trust. I'm such a bad boy."

Aji sighed, and said as if he felt sorry, he tried his best to maintain the calm expression just now, but as a "family member", I can see the desperation and depression in his eyes more clearly than anyone else. pain.

Azhi seemed to cut open his whole body dripping with blood, revealing his beating and broken heart, revealing all his darkness and terror, and shouted to me: "Look! What a bad person I am !"

"Get away from me!" Azhi smiled coldly as if saying so.

And I trembled with tears and said, "Enough is enough, don't do this again."

Aji opened his mouth, was silent for a while, and said: "I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear this. Sachiko, after we return to our own world together, let's separate. Stay by my side, you just It will be more painful."

I shook my head desperately, the tears still kept dripping, I suppressed my sobs, tremblingly said: "No, no, I just..."

I stepped forward and hugged him vigorously, and Azhi opened his eyes wide at that moment.

"Whether you are a bad boy or a good boy, I love you deeply." I choked up and said, "But don't do that again."

Don't cut yourself open like you did just now, and show me your bloody side naked.

In that case, how much pain will you have?

I was wrong, I was really wrong.I shouldn't feel that I still have the right to choose, because I couldn't let go of this child from the beginning.

Even if Azhi is a bad boy, I still love him deeply.

I took his hand—I couldn't help myself from thinking, how much blood might such a small, pale looking hand be stained with in the future?Just by imagining it, I can feel a strong smell of blood rushing towards me.

I will do my best to teach Azhi about the weight of life, and I will do my best to make him feel good, and this is all I can do.

I can't change him, and I can't restrain him.

In this world, there is death only when there is so-called life, and only when there is evil can there be so-called good. If there is no comparison, nothing can be manifested.

Azhi is a person who has to step on the darkness and light to find the meaning of living, and all I can do is to be by his side all the time.

When I hold this hand, I give up everything else, and I know it very well.At the same time, I, who loved and embraced Aji who would hurt others, had to bear the guilt.

If there really is a hell in this world, I, who loves and tolerates Aji's darkness together, will definitely go to the [-]th floor of hell.

Well, this is enough, even if I fall into hell completely, I still want to hold this child's hand tightly.

Aji said softly: "If you keep getting close to me, even you will become unlucky?"

"I'm Sachiko, so it's a natural thing to be happy, isn't it?"

"...What's more, I got happiness because I met you." I choked up and said.

"If only I had never met—I never once thought of such a thing. Because, you see, it is all because of meeting you that I can be so lightly happy."

"The sound of your peaceful breathing when you fell asleep, your small hands, the eyes you looked at me when you raised your head, the sound of your voice when you called me 'Sachiko', all these things made me want to cry with happiness. "I said so, showing a happy smile.

"Ah Zhi, please give me your advice next time." I closed my eyes and said with a smile, "Let's continue walking, holding hands together."

Holding each other's hands, even if I have to endure the abuse and curses around me, even if I have to bear heavy sins, I will hold this hand tightly and continue to run forward without looking back.

"..."

"..."

"..."

Aji was silent for a long time, so long that I thought he had given up on me, he opened his mouth and said softly: "You really are an idiot, Sachiko."

Azhi seemed to be in a difficult situation, but there was an expression on his face that was about to cry: "I am happy because I met me——only a fool like you can say that?"

"In that case, wouldn't it be impossible for me to leave your side?"

Saying so, Azhi stretched out his trembling hands cautiously and timidly, and hugged me tightly as if he never wanted to let go.

"Please give me your advice in the future, Sachiko."