I'm in Delingha tonight

If it is said that the collapse of a happy and harmonious family and the death of a friend in his prime are his scars.

"Death", this word is a stone that weighs on Xi Shan's heart.

After wind, frost, rain and snow, moss grows around the stone, and it is tightly pasted together with other parts connecting the land. It looks very ordinary from the outside.Only Xi Shan knew that his rotten and rotten scar was hidden under the stone.

In the place where the sun is not visible, the scar is good and bad, bad and good, and it is torn repeatedly.No one could see the stone pressing down on it, festering, healing, festering again.

He thought about stepping out countless times, but he just couldn't.

Chi Nian hesitated for a while, and was forced to break free from the pockets of his coat with the two arms that were embracing Xi Shan, and took the initiative to wrap around Xi Shan's back again.

In winter, no matter how handsome people are, they all wear bloated clothes, and their shadows are like two clouds shone in the gap between the stone roads.

The Yangtze River flows quietly, not changed by any joys and sorrows.

Chi Nian hugged him and never let him go. Although Chi Nian still didn't understand many things, he chose to hug Xi Shan's sadness.The hand was blown cold by the wind, Chi Nian patted him on the back, and it took a long time before he let it go.

Xi Shan has never had a lot of bad debts in front of others, and he can temporarily break free from his tongue in the quiet night.The tone of his speech to Chi Nian may be calm, like someone else's story, but the concealment is far more than that.

Standing up straight, Xi Shan let out a long breath.

Chi Nian didn't let go immediately, but still maintained a hugging posture.He leaned on Xi Shan's shoulder, and his voice seemed to be stuffed into his chest: "Don't die."

It was a funny sentence, Xi Shan heard it, but became a little hot-eyed for no reason.

Self-enclosed for too long, no one said that to him.

"'Anyone or anything that exists will leave traces and have meaning', that's what you said." Chi Nian raised his head, and the dawn's moonlight reflected in his eyes.

"Well, I did."

"Then live a good life, okay?"

Xi Shan's arms were filled with Chi Nian, his voice, his body temperature, including his slightly cold hands covering his back, the cool wind passing by them, a little hair was blown into his mouth and brushed away.

Chi Nian hugged him like a little bear wearing a hat.

Regarding the little bear, Haruki Murakami once had a famous metaphor, "In the spring field, a little bear came head-on, with velvet hair and round eyes. You hugged the little bear and purred along the hillside covered with clover Get off and play all day long..."

"That's how I like you".

Can he have the little bear and the spring grass?

After the concept of "love" collapsed, Xi Shan has never seen a real and pure liking in the eyes of others—others are either profitable or have fast food desires.

He knows that he looks good, and he has had a few relationship experiences that are easy to get together and break up, but the evaluation of the other party is without exception "It's better to be friends".

Later, he also dated people who were interested in him.It's a pity that he didn't take it seriously, and the other party also acted on the occasion, solving each other's needs and never delivering sincerity.After a long time, Xi Shan thought that they said "like" was just a joke like "good morning", and no one was willing to take the initiative to understand his injury, but was persuaded by the shadow of his personality exposed.

The pace of contemporary society is too fast, Xi Shan looks easy to get along with, but it is very slow to really get involved in a relationship, let alone make promises for the future.

In the end, I just gave up liking it.

Because "love" is too extravagant, the person who owns it builds a perfect fantasy dream, and often breaks it with his own hands in the end.

In the wind and water of the river, in the hoarfrost and fog at dawn in winter, Xi Shan rarely began to think about whether "like" is a necessary emotional sustenance for him.

He wants to be loved, but can he give equal affection to the other party?

And Chi Nian is still anxiously persuading: "You are only 27 years old now. You have a car, a house and your own shop at a good age. Although you won't become a rich man, you can earn a lot every year. What does it matter if your parents are separated?" Ah, the sky is still the same sky, it won't collapse...but if you are gone, then..."

While talking, Chi Nian hugged him very tightly, as if he was afraid that he would impulsively jump over the guardrail and rush into the Yangtze River in the next second.Chi Nian's hands were shaking, lest this was their last chance to be alone.

He couldn't find the right words for a long while, and opened his mouth, unable to utter a complete word.

Unexpectedly comforted by Chi Nian, Xi Shan let Chi Nian grab him very hard, and asked, "Then what?"

"Then, then I might, I'll cry to death." Chi Nian said without thinking.

A dead branch slipped into the river water from nowhere, and ripples burst out, making Xishan Gujing's heart without ripples bubble alive.He couldn't help asking Chi Nian:

"Will you feel sorry for me?"

"...What do you think?" Chi Nian avoided Xi Shan's gaze, "You have been sad for Si and Sixian for many years."

"It's different, I'm sorry for myself." Xi Shan said, hugging Chi Nian, it was the two whispering, "Sixian is dead - dead, that means nothing."

He said in a low voice, "I almost died too."

Chi Nian had never experienced the life and death of friends of the same age and close relatives. At this moment, he somehow thought of Ding Li's operation, and almost cried again, so he had to bury him in Xi Shan's neck.

"To me, the separation of my parents is like the things I grew up watching are actually fake... Faith collapsed, maybe the same. I was prone to anxiety, and I was in a state of confusion for the past two years." Xi Shan held his hand again. Holding Chi Nian's hand, let him put it in his pocket, "Later, on a rainy day, I drove into a utility pole with my car, and the airbag failed to pop up, and I stayed in the hospital for a long time."

Chi Nian broke into a cold sweat when he heard it: "What... when did it happen?"

"One month before Sixian's accident."

"..."

"He always thought that it was not an accident, so he couldn't contact me later, so he thought I wanted to..." Xi Shan paused, and then said, "I am indeed responsible for his accident, and I should answer the phone."

"It's not your fault." Chi Nian said.

"Yeah." Xi Shan stroked his hair.

After a while, Xi Shan suddenly heard his voice an octave lower than usual: "Anyway, I think...it's really not easy for me to meet you. It's not me...it's you, understand?"

He looked at Xi Shan stubbornly: "You are braver than me."

This sentence was like a switch, and Chi Nian's words became fluent again: "I haven't met someone as good as you for a long, long time, and good people have a long life. So Brother Xi... It's easy to think of regrets after drinking but you are a very nice person."

"I'm not."

"But you are willing to pull me back."

Xi Shan stared at Chi Nian for a long time, did he always want such eyes?

Sincere, pure and persistent.

When Chi Nian looked at him, he was always very focused, and he was the only one in his eyes, as if no matter how far he retreated Chi Nian would catch up with him, and then take him with him, saying let's go to the supermarket and we will eat blueberry yogurt muffins tomorrow.

Chi Nian thought that they had a "future", not just next spring.

On his face, he was frightened by Xi Shan's remarks that Da Tong was not dead, but Chi Nian thought for a while, and suddenly said: "Don't worry, I will hold you back in the future, so that you will not have the opportunity to hit the electric pole again." , or don’t come back when it’s raining outside.”

Xi Shan laughed, "Why?"

"It's very simple." Chi Nian broke free from his embrace, rolled up one of Xi Shan's sleeves to reveal his outstretched fingers, and held him.

"that's it."

The sky was dimly lit, and almost halfway back, Chi Nian suddenly asked: "So there are really wolves in Qaidam?"

"Have."

"Aren't you lying to me again..."

"I've encountered it before. I ran behind the car, which was in no man's land. I locked all the windows and drove forward. I finally got out on the national highway." After Xi Shan finished speaking, he smiled nonchalantly.

"What!" Chi Nian couldn't tell the truth from the fake at all.

"I'll take you to see it when I have time, okay?"

Chi Nian simply turned his head and ignored him.

But the hands that were held together did not let go.

Xi Shan pinched the back of Chi Nian's hand and felt a little strength in the grip - it's good, he thought, when he took a step, Chi Nian also took a step towards him. They were originally from two worlds, but Because of a certain evening when they met unexpectedly, they started to walk relative to each other until the distance was reduced to nothing.

Low oxygen, plateau, deserted Gobi.

Chi Nian may not have known for a long time that Xi Shan had been there for a long time, alone and helpless.A car was about to run out of gas, and when it reached the national highway, it hid in it for the night, and its eyebrows were almost frosted by the cold.

But soon after dawn, a truck passed by, and the driver took him to the service area.

People can have a more thorough understanding of things after going through dangerous situations. When Xi Shan came back from Qinghai that time, he found a tattoo artist he knew to tattoo the dragonfly and Tagore's poem on the back of his neck.

"My existence is a permanent miracle of so-called life."

There is nothing when he dies, but he can live his life by himself.

When he had already made up his mind to stay like this until he didn't want to live anymore, he met Chi Nian during a trip to Qinghai that was arranged by chance. In the sunset, his expression changed from depressed to vivid, and he was able to open his wounds to strangers.

By the Bayin River, Chi Nian's frankness and sincerity gave him the urge to like someone and the courage to accept someone again.

Chi Nian is also his strength and miracle.

Thinking of this, Xi Shan touched the tattoo with his backhand.The hair was in the way, and the unevenness was hard to be felt. He put his arm around Chi Nian's shoulder and distributed most of his body weight.

"It's heavy, brother!" Chi Nian's ears turned red.

"I'm so fragile today, I have a headache." It was rare for Xi Shan to start cheating, taking advantage of the little alcohol that hadn't cleared up to be unreasonable, "You drive when you go back."

Chi Nian was helpless: "I drive, I drive..."

A few days later, Chi Nian was still a little at a loss when he remembered that chaotic night.

The night wind on Nanbin Road, the Yangtze River water, and their holding hands all the time, Chi Nian almost used his unconscious moment to say, "I come to love you" on the spot.Xi Shan's words that can scare people to death must have been held in his heart for too long, so he talked incoherently and incoherently.

Chi Nian couldn't find out the details of the words, the only thing he could give Xi Shan was a heart to love him.

Coming home from work this day, Chi Nian changed into home clothes, and immediately ran to the kitchen following a spicy aroma: "It smells so good, brother Xi! What delicious food do you make?"

"Cumin beef, spicy hot pot, seaweed egg drop soup, and potato shredded cake." Xi Shan used chopsticks to share a piece of golden potato shredded cake and fed it to Chi Nian's mouth, "Try it."

"It's delicious, so crispy!" Chi Nian swallowed half of it whole, and kept exhaling with his mouth open. I shouldn't have robbed you... Can I order food in the future?"

"Okay, I can order it tomorrow."

After finishing talking, Xi Shan fed him another piece. In the living room, Xuebi yelled, and he turned his head: "Master Chi, please open the door."

"Are there any guests today?"

"My mother said yesterday to bring me two newly ordered duvets and have a meal by the way. Don't worry, my mother is very quiet, just eat as usual."

Chi Nian: "..."

Chi Nian: "Auntie is here?"

"Yes, go quickly, I'm busy here." Xi Shan pushed him.

Chi Nian walked out mechanically, the potato pancakes in his mouth had just been swallowed, and suddenly he was about to face a new challenge in life——

Why, why don't you tell your parents in advance!

Not even meeting the parents.

But that's it, danger!