I'm in Delingha tonight

Both hands were warmed by Xi Shan, Chi Nian let out a sigh of relief, and walked forward side by side with him.

Nanbin Road seems to have no end.

Before dawn, the sky above was dark blue with purple, as if an ink bottle was overturned, and the whole area was dizzy, spreading all the way to the end of the Yangtze River.The outline of the mountain was also blurred, and the clouds were so thick that it was hard to tell where was the sky and where was the dim starlight leaking through the gaps in the clouds.

"When we were in high school, when we were bored during the holidays, we would come here to ride bicycles." Xi Shan was the first to break the silence, and gestured a few times with his fingers against the cold wind.

The shadows cast by the street lamps were lumps, Chi Nian was blown by the wind and his bangs were disheveled, and said, "I thought that few people in Chongqing would ride bicycles... You can't even see a few shared bicycles on the street."

Xi Shan laughed: "There are too many slopes, but there used to be bicycle rentals on Nanbin Road, and the sun is good in spring. I don't know if there are any. If you are interested, let's take a look next spring."

He mentioned "next spring" for the second time, as if this was a deadline Xi Shan had set for himself.

If you live aimlessly and don't think about tomorrow after today, then all the time is just a waste of time.Xi Shan has wasted enough time, he always thinks, and always shrinks back, now he has to force himself to move forward.

Setting a deadline, I can't tell whether I want to come sooner or later next spring.

But in fact, he has read the calendar, and the Spring Festival is earlier, in January.

Xi Shan hopes that the weather will be warmer earlier next year.

People who are not good at staying up late start to feel sleepy after the initial burst of excitement. Chi Nian couldn't move after taking two steps, so he stood where he was, looking for a place to sit.

Frost had grown on the iron benches by the roadside, and it felt like salt, not as soft as snow.Chi Nian stretched out his hand to scrape off the layer of hoarfrost, wiped the blades of grass next to him, and hesitated when he touched the wet seat.

Xi Shan leaned against the handrail of the riverside guardrail, turned his head and looked at a certain place in the middle of the river, moving slowly.

"What are you looking at?" Chi Nian stopped sitting, and lay down on the guardrail to find Xi Shan's gaze.

"That boat."

An old boat was parked by the river. It had three floors and was about ten meters wide. The top floor was a concrete deck, and there was a small room at the end. The glass window was broken and one could not see the inside.There are some daily necessities scattered on the deck, as well as two deflated basketballs. You can vaguely see traces of habitation, but I don't know what's going on now.

Chi Nian asked, "Is anyone living in it?"

"It's possible, but it's too cold in winter, so I left."

He spoke bluntly, speaking very naturally but brought out suffering for no reason.Chi Nian looked at the dark deck for a while, moss was growing in the shadows at the corners, the wet and cold winter in Chongqing is really not suitable for living on the water.

This city is built on the hillside, building up layer by layer, and the most difficult people will never be seen at the bottom.

Xi Shan became addicted to cigarettes, he touched his pocket, and was annoyed to find that he went out in a hurry and didn't bring a lighter.This idea was forced to give up. Seeing Chi Nian lying there for a long time, he flicked Chi Nian's forehead, and then tightened the collar of the other's open coat. As if it wasn't enough, he put on a down jacket for Chi Nian hat.

Looking for something to say: "Is this the first time you spend the winter in the south?"

"Yeah, I've made mental preparations before, it's not as cold as I imagined." When Chi Nian spoke, the hot air exhaled was a hazy white mist, "It's just too humid, and my feet can't sleep well at night."

"Turn on the electric blanket."

"It's on, but it's impossible to drive it all night, falling asleep and waking up again." Chi Nian was a little aggrieved.

Xi Shan pursed his lips, blinked his eyes a few times uneasily, and barely swallowed "then you come to sleep with me" - it was too far, they said such words before they were together, it seemed that they did not take their relationship seriously.

Chi Nian didn't notice Xi Shan's expression, and came up with an idea on his own: "Why don't I buy two hot water bottles or something, the most primitive method is the most effective."

"I'll ask Zhu Yiming to bring you some medicine packs. It may be because the cold is too severe. Soak your feet before going to bed."

Chi Nian asked curiously, "Brother Zhu, do you know Chinese medicine?"

Xi Shan smiled: "He knows nothing, Aunt Huang...it's his mother, who worked as a doctor in Xinqiao Hospital. During the years when I suffered from insomnia, it was Aunt Huang who persuaded me to go to the hospital...Of course, there is nothing serious about it. , It’s just too anxious, I only prescribed some vitamins and sleeping pills, and it’s much better now.”

"Vitamins?"

"That's right, maybe it was to avoid sudden death after staying up most of the night." Xi Shan said, "I had severe insomnia at that time, and my mental state was very tense every day, and I was like a war."

He took the initiative to mention about "the past", as if today's Xi Shan was touched by the glass cover by a semi-abandoned ship, which could reveal a little untouchable place.

Chi Nian thought about it, wanted to ask, and finally changed the angle: "Why did you drink so much wine today?"

"what?"

"Oh, it was yesterday." Chi Nian corrected himself, and took out his hand, which had been warmed by Xi Shan, from his pocket, and the temperature was a little loose, so he simply stuck it directly on the railing.

Xi Shan opened his mouth, without completely avoiding the topic, he said selectively: "Because my mother called me."

"Eh?"

"That's right, what you saw that day... that woman, she went to my mother and said the same thing. In the final analysis, she wanted us to take care of my father. My mother was easy to soften her heart, so she asked me if I had money... I thought to myself , how can there be such a shameless person who can't scold anything."

"Who is she?" Chi Nian said, thinking that Xi Shan had never scolded anyone like that.

His tone of voice is vicious, and he is also ruthless when he beats up scum, but Xi Shan is not a person who will say dirty words, and most of the time he will not show any special malice.

"Who... Guess?" Xi Shan tilted his head and looked at him.

When the light fell into his eyes, it ignited the darkness inside, and Chi Nian stared blankly for a moment, before incoherently expressing his deepest worries: "Is it an ex, an ex-girlfriend, or something?"

Xi Shan really laughed, feeling that the answer was ridiculous.

Chi Nian also immediately became embarrassed: "I know it's unlikely! But I just can't help but think about it, and she's pretty, and she's well dressed."

"It's not my ex-girlfriend." It was rare for Xi Shan not to show boredom at the mention of that woman.

"Then..." Chi Nian flashed through countless ways to open the bloody plot, and chose a more compromised and less excessive one, and asked tentatively, "Then she is your father's girlfriend?"

Xi Shan's face darkened, and he turned his head to look at the Yangtze River gloomily.

This possibility is a good guess.

After all, because of the environment in which Chi Nian grew up, he has been exposed to a lot of similar gossip in the circle of parents: Which family's couple actually play their own way and don't live together at all; If you have a lover, wait until the child grows up to talk about divorce...

And so on, there are many outrageous and dirty ones, which are too dirty to listen to.

Ding Li and Lao Chi started from scratch together. After so many years, even though they had occasional quarrels, they can be regarded as a model couple.Chi Nian didn't understand when he was a child, but when he grew up, he attended dinner parties of his parents' generation, always facing a table of men and women in fine clothes, and guessing from their unclear words who was the family.

The more he guessed, the more accurate his guesses became. Chi Nian probably knew that Xi Shan's parents had separated, and the woman kept saying "you don't care about your father". She should be the person Xi Shan's father is dating now.

After Chi Nian finished speaking, Xi Shan remained silent for a long time, he nervously tugged Xi Shan's sleeve: "I...I made a mistake, don't be unhappy."

"No, you're quite right. She's my dad's girlfriend."

Xi Shan bit his words hard, as if he wanted to tear someone into pieces.

He slowly recovered his breath, turned his head to look at Chi Nian, and said without beginning or end: "I didn't even tell Zhu Yiming and the others about this, but you can always guess something after you know each other for a long time."

"Parents..."

Just as Chi Nian opened his mouth, Xi Shan grabbed his hands and held them together in his palms, turning them over and over to warm him.He lowered his head, where the light couldn't reach, there were shadows like butterfly wings on his eyelids, flickering, Chi Nian wanted to reach out to touch him, but Xi Shan grabbed him very tightly.

He heard Xi Shan's voice just like this, it was as calm as water, yet very hoarse.

"I mentioned to you before that after we separated in Xining, I went back to Delingha to visit my uncle with my cousin. He fell a little harder than expected. I gave him some money, and my cousin scolded me I'm stretched to the limit and I have to help relatives who don't have much contact with me, but I still want to make peace of mind.

"In my mother's natal family, I only had a better relationship with my cousin. People of the older generation were hostile to my mother and thought she was a 'betrayer' who betrayed her faith and homeland and ran away with my father.

"Have I ever told you that my mother is a Muslim? She doesn't eat pork, so I didn't eat it when I was a child. The first time I ate it was a dinner with my classmates in junior high school. They insisted that I participate. Everyone went to eat Dongzi hot pot. Wow, I thought... …that’s nice. She wanted me to be religious, I said no, smoked, drank, tattooed, ate pork, even I liked men, just to tell her, ‘I’m different from you’ – far from it, these are what they later What happened when the divorce was approaching.

"She ran away with my dad back then, but my family was against it. At that time, my dad was a poor teacher, and he went on a business trip to Delingha. It was probably love at first sight. My mother went back to Chongqing with him overnight. At that time, there were no planes, so they took the green leather train. , came here in disgrace.

"They have always been very affectionate, respectful and considerate to each other, and they have been very kind to me. I am... used to be extreme by them. I think the world is black and white, and I can't tolerate rupture and separation... Am I naive?"

When Xi Shan said this, he turned to look at Chi Nian.

The way he frowned overlapped with every collapse in his memory, and Chi Nian couldn't help holding Xi Shan with his backhand.Not good at comforting people, Chi Nian searched his stomach and wanted to say something.

Said "not every love can end well"?

Then why do all people yearn for a fairytale ending and "live happily ever after".

Say "some people are destined to have no fate"?

But he himself wants to hug Xi Shan to the end of his life, and he doesn't admit that he likes it only on impulse.

Saying "it's not your fault to be extreme"?

Whose reason is that? It is normal to have a flawed personality.

He has never experienced a love that lasted for more than ten or twenty years, and he doesn't know whether love will eventually turn into a family relationship like that of Lao Chi and Ding Li-there are also quarrels, but they still love each other most of the time.

The happy family he has is only his own, and he can't share it, and he can't give anyone strength.

"actually……"

"what?"

Chi Nian said vaguely: "Actually, I think as long as..."

"But they separated." Xi Shan said, "Do you know how they separated? It was me who forced them to break up."

"..."

"My mother refused to divorce and felt ashamed, and the family would even laugh at her for being so wrong back then, just to win her breath that she could suffer all the grievances... Then something happened, I knelt on the ground and begged my mother."

"Brother Xi?"

"I begged her, 'You get a divorce or I'm going to die'."

As if these words exhausted his strength, after Xi Shan finished speaking, he let out a cloudy breath with relief, and put Chi Nian's hands into his coat pockets.

Chi Nian was unprepared, and threw himself into his arms with his arms open.

"Give me a hug."

Xi Shan rested his head on Chi Nian's shoulder.