self-awareness

Four months later, Li Mingchuan returned to the nursing home in Zurich for regular rehabilitation, but when he returned to his ward, he was surprised.

——Ye Tang was standing in his ward waiting for him, I don't know how long he's been here.

The Chinese doctor who treated Li Mingchuan explained: "This is Mr. Ye from China. He is one of the newly recruited volunteers in the nursing home. He is responsible for taking care of you and several other patients. Please rest first, I won't bother you any more. .” With that, he left the ward.

Li Mingchuan looked at the man standing by the window of his ward in surprise, the sunlight outside the window made him into a silhouette, tall and straight like a bamboo.

Ye Tang seemed to understand everything clearly, this time the meeting did not show any surprise, he took the lead to break the silence and said: "Do you want me to help you look at the rehabilitation schedule for this treatment?"

Li Mingchuan stayed in the wheelchair for a long time in a petrified posture. His assistant had exited the ward tactfully. The assistant was very familiar with Ye Tang's face. Even in this ward dedicated to Li Mingchuan, there was still a With Ye Tang's photo, it is not difficult for anyone who has entered this ward to find out if they are interested.

The door closed behind Li Mingchuan, he moved his mouth, and it took him a long time to find his voice. Ye Tang's appearance was so sudden that he was not prepared at all, "Are you really here to do volunteer work?"

Ye Tang replied: "Yes, I have already completed the training in the nursing home, and I will stay here during this time."

Li Mingchuan felt that what was happening now was beyond his understanding, "What about your work? Where do you find the time to do volunteer work?"

Ye Tang: "How do you know I don't have time? Have you paid attention to my schedule?"

Li Mingchuan felt that Ye Tang was simply messing around, "You are a star, why did you come here to do volunteer work? Are you afraid that someone will take pictures of you?"

"Being a volunteer is such a positive thing, you don't have to worry about being photographed. Besides, this is Zurich, and few people recognize me."

Li Mingchuan felt that he couldn't communicate with Ye Tang. He couldn't follow Ye Tang's nonsense, so he didn't say anything more. He just turned the wheelchair around and planned to talk to the person in charge of the nursing home.

But when he leaned forward and reached for the doorknob, Ye Tang reached out from behind him, opened the door for him, and pushed him into the wheelchair, "Where are you going? I'll push you there. "

Li Mingchuan's face was serious, his body froze, he didn't let Ye Tang push him, and left the ward in the wheelchair by himself.

Half an hour later, Li Mingchuan came out of the office of the director of the nursing home, his face half darkened.

The dean insisted that Ye Tang, a volunteer, should not be dismissed without reason, and mentioned that there were several Chinese patients living in this nursing home, but there were no nurses who could communicate in Chinese smoothly. It was necessary for Ye Tang to stay. Li Mingchuan is a shareholder of the nursing home, and he cannot directly control his decisions. If he is really dissatisfied with his work decisions and personnel arrangements, he can raise it at the next shareholders' meeting and vote on whether he will be the dean.

Of course, Li Mingchuan would not bring up such a trivial matter to the shareholders meeting. This is his selfishness, but the relationship between the dean and him has always been good. I don’t know why this time, it is very important to stay at the place of a volunteer. To fight against him and argue with reason, he probably understands why Ye Tang appeared, probably because he accidentally met him in the nursing home last time, learned about his recent situation, and felt sorry for him, so he came to him in this way I'm afraid they want to make some compensation.

This was the result Li Mingchuan didn't want to see the last time, he didn't want to kidnap Ye Tang's sympathy.Maybe he wanted to get everything from Ye Tang in his dreams, but he didn't want Ye Tang's pity because of his crippled leg.

Li Mingchuan went to argue with the dean but failed. When he left the dean's office, he saw Ye Tang waiting for him outside, as if he knew that he would not succeed.

Li Mingchuan knew that simply avoiding the problem would not solve the problem. Now that the matter had reached this point and Ye Tang already knew about his condition, he had nothing to hide, so it was better to speak out.

"Let's talk, Ye Tang."

Ye Tang nodded, pushed Li Mingchuan to a flower garden in the nursing home, and sat down on the bench himself.

Li Mingchuan calmed down, and said, "Ye Tang, I probably know why you want to come here as a volunteer, but I don't need you to be like this. I'm in a good condition and can live and work normally," Li Mingchuan made a big picture With a look of complete control, he even smiled confidently, "You know me too, this matter is not a problem for me, you don't have to think too much, let alone feel sorry, it's really unnecessary."

Ye Tang looked into the distance, and he remembered what the dean had said to him.

The dean told him that Li Mingchuan's rehabilitation has not shown any obvious effect. On the surface, he seems to be able to live and work normally, but in fact his mental health has undergone serious deviations, like a dead heart from the inside. The appearance of the plants can still be fooled for a while and maintain the illusion of luxuriant branches and leaves, but the inside has already begun to rot, and sooner or later there will be a moment of complete collapse.

Contrary to what Li Mingchuan showed in front of him, Li Mingchuan actually has a huge psychological obstacle in the matter of rehabilitation, which has seriously hindered his progress in rehabilitation, but he himself is very resistant to accepting professional psychological barriers. Treatment, the situation is not optimistic.

The dean actually recognized Ye Tang's face the first time he saw him.He has been to Li Mingchuan's ward many times, inadvertently, he would always notice the photos on Li Mingchuan's desk and beside the bed. Several times he saw Li Mingchuan holding the photo frame in his hand. Staring out the window in a daze.So he quickly agreed to Ye Tang's request to stay. He thought that Ye Tang might be the key to Li Mingchuan's recovery.

As a doctor, he shouldn't have talked too much about Li Mingchuan's condition with Ye Tang, but as Li Mingchuan's friend, he felt that he had to give Ye Tang some hints.That's how Ye Tang learned about Li Mingchuan's experience that he hadn't seen from the dean.

It turned out that Li Mingchuan had been forced to undergo homosexual correction treatment for a long period of time in China. In the eyes of most practitioners who practiced medicine under the background of Western medicine, this was very cruel and inhumane.This corrective treatment is often disguised as "psychotherapy" and sometimes involves very extreme treatments such as electric shock.

——Give the "patient" an electric shock when he sees a man having sex, encourage him when he sees a woman having sex, and finally achieve an effect that makes the "patient" combine "pain" with "seeing a man have sex." "Impulse" is linked together, resulting in strong psychological suggestion, resulting in the ultimate inability to get an erection, and finally achieving behavior modification.

Because Li Mingchuan had received such treatment, he almost collapsed emotionally during the subsequent several psychological counseling sessions, and had to be interrupted, so that he could not receive psychological counseling at all. This had a great impact on Li Mingchuan's rehabilitation process. Negative impact.

After hearing Ye Tang's brief account of their past, the dean also told Ye Tang his speculation.

People often give their own explanations for the reality that they find difficult to accept. This explanation may not be the truth, and it may be quite different from the truth, but it is always easy for them to accept.Acknowledging this explanation and ignoring the truth can minimize the harm to themselves, which is an instinct of human beings to protect their own consciousness.

For example, if a person cannot accept the loss of his lover, the greatest fear in his heart is that his lover cannot respond to him. The most real and simplest explanation for this appearance may be that the other party does not love him at all. Unspeakable and unacceptable, people who face this situation will often make up other reasons to make themselves feel better-some people will blame the family obstruction of both parties, and some people will hate their lover Hate the poor and love the rich, etc.Making yourself feel better is actually an important part of the human self-protection mechanism. It helps to maintain people's mental integrity and protects their mental health to the greatest extent.

The dean felt that maybe Li Mingchuan subconsciously hoped that he would never get better, because if he really stood up one day and still couldn't get Ye Tang's favor, then for him, the ending would be even worse. Make it unbearable for him and the consequences will be devastating.

This is of course a morbid idea, but because of Li Mingchuan's shadow of psychotherapy, he could not accept the counseling of a professional psychiatrist, and he has not been able to open up his heart knot, so the rehabilitation treatment has always stopped.

Before Ye Tang came to the nursing home, he didn't really think about how to deal with his relationship with Li Mingchuan. His mind was very messed up. When he thought of Li Mingchuan, all kinds of mixed emotions came to him, and he couldn't figure it out at all. This clue, the only clear thought, was that he didn't want to see Li Mingchuan unable to stand up again because of his injury.

So he thought, at least, he should help Li Mingchuan recover. As for the other things, since he can't figure it out, he shouldn't bother thinking about it.

The dean's analysis also made him stunned. He never thought that Li Mingchuan's feelings for him would develop to such an extreme situation. This terrible subconsciousness has actually manifested in his physical behavior, hurting him. body of.

Regarding Li Mingchuan's proposal of "talking", Ye Tang brushed it off in a few moments.

Li Mingchuan had nothing to do with Ye Tang, he couldn't drive him away, so he had no choice but to be ruthless and refused to accept Ye Tang's kindness. He collected Ye Tang's photos, and he hardly talked to Ye Tang in the nursing home. He only hoped that Ye Tang would Hurry up and get bored with the days here and return home early.

But soon Li Mingchuan discovered that even if he didn't communicate with Ye Tang, and didn't let Ye Tang do the things that volunteers should do for him, Ye Tang would still do things for other patients.He just couldn't stand cooking and delivering meals, and even had to clean the ward bathrooms for other patients.In the past, he was messed up and didn't know that he felt sorry for Ye Tang, but now he can't see any man suffering any more.

Li Mingchuan quickly made a request to the relevant person in charge, asking Ye Tang to only take care of one of his patients. This time, his request was quickly granted, so in the end, Ye Tang started to take care of Li Mingchuan again. Come.

When Li Mingchuan was recovering, some items were extremely painful. His leg muscles had begun to shrink due to his long-term inability to walk, and he could not bear the weight of his whole body. However, he still had to overcome difficulties and insist on moving his rigid joints , Repeatedly contacting the actions that normal people can achieve casually.

At this time, Ye Tang would always be by his side, helping him when he was about to fall, and rubbing the muscles on his legs when he was resting.

After a few more days like this, Li Mingchuan couldn't bear it any longer. This day's recovery was very difficult. He fell to the ground again and again, and tried again and again. When he tried to let go of the handrail to walk again and fell heavily to the ground, his emotions began to lose control.

Li Mingchuan thumped the ground hard, and then hit his own leg hard.

Ye Tang stepped forward, trying to help him up, but was pushed away by Li Mingchuan.

Li Mingchuan didn't want Ye Tang to see his useless appearance, he felt a sense of frustration for a moment, and said, "Ye Tang, let's go. I beg you, save me some face."