Rebirth: Truth Does Not Dig Coal

Yes, you are right.

I can laugh.

I can not keep a straight face every day.

I can forget about all the unimportant things.

I can do anything I want as long as it's practical.

As for what is impractical?I didn't talk about it before, but now I'll give you an example.

I want to turn back time, impossible.

I want the earth to stop revolving, it's impossible.

I want to pluck the rose from the little prince in the grandmother's story, it's impossible.

I want everything to be reasonable, impossible.

I want you to just look at me.

impossible.

As for practical things, if you want to hear, I can also say a few things.

For example, I squander excess energy and obsessively seek excitement, you know that.

For example, I long for the end and the end of all reasons, to live in nothingness all day long, and you know that.

Like I'm not gay, you know that.

Also like my opinion of you.

You don't know that.You think you know, but you don't.

Another example is when we go out to hang out, my sight travels through the dim lights and drunken wine glasses, through the howling wind outside the skylight and the neon lights drawn into lines, I caress all kinds of tender skin under my palm, but my sight is on you stay on the body.My sight stays on you all night, even when I close my eyes, you don't know it.

Before I was aware of this relationship, I was prejudiced against homosexuality; after I realized this relationship, the end really came, and then there was an unprecedented high-pitched revival that kept me from sleeping peacefully for several nights.My spirit is trembling, I long for a deeper and closer communication with life, I wish you could dig out my heart and examine it.I want you to know that everything in this world is false, cowardly, hopeless, and abominable, but the blood I shed here is still hot and belongs to you.

I am not gay.We have talked about related topics, and you have been more tolerant than me.You are tolerant, rational, calm, and unemotional.

"It's understandable that this happens all the time in the biological world. As long as it doesn't happen to me, you don't care what happens to others." You said this to me.

But it's okay, I think.You have always been careless about relationships, and you change girlfriends faster than me.I'll call you, and you'll come over as soon as you pick it up.You broke up several times because of this, and you didn't seem to care at all.Sometimes you put down your phone and look at me, smiling and shrugging, very casual and careless.You took my shoulder with one hand, draped it familiarly and freely, and said those clichés while walking, "It's okay, women are like brothers and feet, brothers are like clothes. I can be disabled, but I can't run naked, right?"

You said that, just like in the tavern in New Zealand that year, the three glasses of wine were so strong that they almost burned me.

It was 20 years old, the third night in New Zealand, a bistro.While drinking, let me ask you, Xu Hao, do you think I'm important?

In fact, I am asking a ridiculous question, but you don't mind.You can't drink, but you can drink.You leaned on your seat, looking at me in the dim candlelight, unnaturally quiet and unnaturally focused.After a long time you said to me, Yan Ze, you are very important.

If you talk like that, it means you're drunk.

I was also very uncomfortable with Jiu Jin, so I continued to ask, is it more important than your girlfriends?

You smiled, a little surprised, but also very sure.You leaned over and patted my leg, reeking of alcohol, and said, nonsense, you are a small forward I trained by myself, I sacrificed a lot, how do they compare?

Then I probably laughed too.

Then, you calmed down, continued to breathe out alcohol and said to me, "Yan Ze, you are different from others. You look wild and have some dandyism, but in fact you are very arrogant and idealistic. ...I saw you read poetry before, Romantic poetry, right? There was a line you said to me, the last line, 'With silence and tears', a parting poem by Byron, why did you say this to me? I don't understand .”

The jazz music in my ears danced lightly, and you slowly lit a cigarette in my drunken eyes. The characteristics of the boyhood between the brows were partially preserved, the Adam's apple in the neck was clearly defined, the fingers were straight, and some of them began to lean towards a mature man. contour.

You frowned and said, the words were not very clear, but sometimes people are drunk like this, the attitude is so sincere that it is almost naked, you said to me, "If there is a day when we will face parting, I can't imagine it, but If there is, it must be a big deal. ...Maybe I have cancer, or the earth is dying, or maybe we are too old to waver. Anyway, when that happens, we will come here," You said, pointing the table with the hand holding the cigarette, "Come to Tekapo to graze sheep in a field, I will call you, bring a few dogs and horses raised from childhood, go hunting, open up wasteland, and live like the middle ages A savage who doesn't know what the Industrial Revolution is. I swear I will call you, Yan Ze, and you will follow me by then, don't refuse me."

I didn't talk, just drank.His temples were swollen from the strength of alcohol.

Your eyes are direct and not clear enough, you never know what is sad, looking at me through the half-burned candle on the table in the tavern, you are asking if I want to grow old together.The next three glasses of wine went down so intensely that it really burned me.

Then, soon, I didn't expect you to fall into a relationship called love with a woman.

At 21, you like a girl.You start to be absent-minded all day long, you don’t answer the phone, you don’t make appointments for drinks, and you just decline the cigarettes you’re handed over with a smile.

You said, stop smoking, she doesn't like the smell of cigarettes.

For the first time, you didn't say anything unnecessary, you didn't say who she is.

I passed my lungs as if I was drowning and absorbing oxygen. I went downstairs with you and consumed half a pack of cigarettes one after another.

But I like it.

Have you asked me?

She also doesn't like the smell of alcohol.

I would also like.

She doesn't like to hear your platitudes.

I like.

She doesn't like what you gave her.

I like.

She doesn't like you.

Mr. Byron, what do I say.

I made an appointment with you, but I couldn't make an appointment. She called me on your mobile phone, pretending to dial the wrong number, and pretending that something happened.

This is the girl you like. Do you know how smoky, ordinary, and kitsch she is?you do not know.

I don't care who this woman is, she's not your first girlfriend, and she won't be your last.Don't fall into it, Xu Hao.I would rather your heart be free forever. If there is no one else in my peripheral vision, I will not be so out of control.

That loss of control was like weightlessness.

You also said that I can do anything I want as long as it is practical.

You also said, I am your most important friend, if the end comes, you will ask me to go.

After meeting Lin Xiao, I frantically wanted to prove this point, destroy me, Xu Hao, please let me be destroyed.

Let every day be like the doomsday without tomorrow. If there is no tomorrow, the doomsday can't talk about parting.

Later, you and I broke up because of this woman.

I see anger and pain in your eyes, and I am more than anger and pain. My soul has been scratched, and your tears almost drowned me in them, but they were not for me.

You said, Yan Ze, don't see each other in the future.

I really want to ask, what about the end of the day?

Later, when my grandfather found out about it, I simply confessed to him.

Grandpa sent someone to tell you about me, my relationship, and about the abyss. I heard that you were very disgusted by this, so I went abroad.

I started dreaming all day and all night.

In my dream, I reminded you over and over again, Mr. Byron, do you still remember our end?

You have a medieval face, weather-beaten, calm, detached, and smiling at the same time.You said, what doomsday, don't you remember, the future is all tomorrow.

Whenever I would suddenly wake up at this time, Joseph looked at me with a concerned and slightly sad face in front of me.

Close their goddamn eyes and don't look at me like that.

I don't need sympathy, and I don't need to be cured. I would rather you destroy me, and also make me alive.

After a year and a half in a nursing home, I got better.

Then I was free.

I kept your apartment and the usual default two parking spaces.I heard that you are living well in the UK and have no plans to return to China.

I'm starting to get back to work at home, I'm starting to get back to normal, to get back to socializing.Sometimes go to your apartment for a few days, when you come back anytime.I avoid the question of the abyss, the abyss is the point of all my dark sides, it is huge and hideous, it will wake you up.And I want you to understand that I can be normal and don't have to be an abyss.As you said, I can laugh, I can not put on a straight face every day, I can forget all the unimportant things, and I can face tomorrow.

Is it also written in Byron's poem: If I meet you again, after a long time, how should I pay tribute to you?

'With silence and tears.'

But Mr. Byron, you never said that one day you would die.

The moment I saw your dead body in the hospital, I honestly didn't recognize it.

You're wearing a surgical gown, and the gray bowl of hands and feet is exposed, the blood has been treated, and the hair, the hair has been completely shaved.I feel a bumpy crumb on the right side of your skull that almost surprises me.

My abyss swelled completely, growing wildly, blackening my eyes, splitting my consciousness, unable to destroy, and unable to be destroyed again.

I think.

If I meet you again.

After a long time.

How should I salute you?

I started dreaming day and night again.

I long to dream, compulsively dream, and you haunt me like a ghost, and you should be a ghost.

In my dream, you and I always have nothing to say.You stand on the balcony on the third floor and look at me, a medieval face, weather-beaten, calm, and alienated.With your back facing the sea outside the castle, you gaze into the distance without any emotion.You are there, the vortex never appears.There may be your hometown in the distance.

I said, Mr. Byron, destroy me.

You smiled sarcastically, and looked away for a moment, probably thinking that I was unreasonable.

I just stare at you in my dream, you have appeared many times and disappeared many times, you have carried out your own death sentence, and you have been reborn from the doomsday.You never want to destroy me.Your silence is your reason.

Then, strangely once, you started talking to me in a dream.

You look calmer than ever and more worldly than ever.Your eyes are silent, rational, and mature, as if an invisible hand touched my dream lightly, and suddenly your expression is no longer sarcasm, and you no longer feel unreasonable.Gradually, you seem to have really walked back from the end of time, and continued to say something to me, and was pulled into a strange sound track by the consciousness, like the sound of insects.

In the dream, my heart was cut open as I wished, and I went back to the night of the break.Your face is more lifeless than a wall of dust, your skull is shattered, and there is no anger and pain in your eyes.You look at me, look at me like you don't know me, and sit next to me.My heart hangs on the outside of your body.

You suddenly become older, and the medieval face is more deeply criss-crossed on your face. Your Adam's apple is still distinct, but it forms a more mature outline.You sink into dreams repeatedly, turning the boundaries of reality into a puddle of water.

And I, when I was awake, fell asleep, and when I was asleep, I was awake again.I have a lot to say to you, but you are slightly confused and cannot understand.I want to say, Mr. Byron, if you can't destroy me, please stay.

stay.

I suddenly understood what you were saying again.

You said, don't spend the rest of your life remembering me.

At this moment, even in a dream, I feel ridiculous.You were born in my dream, and my dream does not speak like this.

At the same time, I have never been so clear about what the essence of death is.

Death does not mean the end, nor does it mean parting.

The meaning of death lies in this moment. I can't tell whether you have ever really existed, and I can't tell what medium life will be carried in the next second.

To tell the truth, if you can't destroy me, then it's not enough for me to go through it myself.

I bid farewell to this empty world in the ruins. I didn't have to wait for anything. Of course I know that even if you stand in front of me, it is nothing more than a dream.

Dreams are an illusion of anomalous time, a deception done by the subconscious mind in order to survive.Why should I believe it?

Until, the mouth of the abyss is fully opened, and you stumble from the firelight.

You have a swollen face, no hair, half of your body is dripping with water, and your body is illusory and immersed in the fire. You call me Yan Ze.You get out of here.

My dream would not speak like this, let alone look at me so angry and hurt.

I affirm your death as I affirm that you were once alive.So when my hand passes through your face, it's cold with this unreal fire.

Mr. Byron, you once said that if you face the end, there will be two people.

Even if we can't grow old together, at least let me have no tomorrow.

Without tomorrow, how can we talk about parting in the end.

Destroy me, I beg you for the last time, destroy me.

But you told me, live on, Yan Ze.If my memory could form a world, you would live forever in that world.

You burned out quickly in my stunned and painful sight, and scattered like sawdust, as if you never existed.

Never destroyed again, never destroyed again.

Indeed, death is not the end.The end is this moment of eternity.

I think.

If only my memory could form a world.

If there is you in that parallel universe, there will be another me.

There is a candle.

To light it for me.

regarding me.

You're right.

I can laugh.

I can not keep a straight face every day.

I can forget about all the unimportant things.

I can do anything I want as long as it's practical.

It's just that there is no end to this world.

From now on, it's all tomorrow.