Play bone

What is the most terrible emotion of human beings - is it love, or is it hate that lasts longer than love?

Love can easily disappear with the dilution of time and hormones; although hatred lasts longer than love, once the enemy is trampled underfoot, hatred will also turn into contempt and indifference.

Only "shame" is different.It is like a brand engraved on the soul that will never be erased.Even if you forget it briefly sometimes, it will still pop up in the dead of night and humiliate your soul.

Small shames can be trivial and absurd: being reprimanded in public, having your pants chain exposed, masturbating into your roommate.But the big shame is often frightening-be low and low, borrow money from others, live on the streets, and look for food in the garbage dumps in poverty...

Big or small, everyone has some unspeakable things in their hearts, and Lu Li and Shen Xingxuan are no exception.However, Shen Xingxuan's shame had nothing to do with him.

Just because his mother was once a third party.

It may not be without reason, and the rumors in the market sometimes allude to the truth——Shen Xingxuan's mother intervened in other people's families for nearly eight years.

And this also means that in the first eight years of his life, Shen Xingxuan's first identity was that of an illegitimate child.

"But it doesn't make sense..."

Lu Li carefully raised a doubt: "If your mother officially became your father's wife eight years after you were born, and your father did not divorce before that, then the eight-year time difference is not a sign of 'a third party interfering'." ' Has it been proven? How could it have never been confirmed by the media?"

"That's because he had some sort of agreement with his ex-wife."

When it comes to this past event, Shen Xingze seems not too sure.

"It is said that their relationship broke down long ago, and they only maintained a relationship of interest. So whether it was divorcing his ex-wife or marrying my mother, they all handled it in a low-key manner. When someone asked about it afterwards, the ex-wife also took the initiative to admit that they had broken up peacefully eight years ago... ...Of course, there is a purpose to this arrangement."

"...Is it to protect your image?"

After all, he was Shen Xingze's father, so it was inconvenient for Lu Li to say anything more, so he could only try to enlighten Shen Xingze.

"But at that time, your dad didn't know that you would become a public figure in the future. So he only chose to do this out of instinct to protect you."

Shen Xingze snorted softly, neither affirming nor denying, maybe even he himself hadn't clarified this question.

Because he was an illegitimate child, Shen Xingze lived with his mother until he was eight years old.At that time, his mother's relatives had already immigrated to the United States.

Ever since brazenly meddling in other people's marriages, the relationship between Shen Xingze's mother and her own family has become increasingly tense.In Shen Xingze's fragmented childhood memories, he never went abroad before the age of eight, let alone met his grandparents.

Without the help of his family, the young Shen Xingxuan was fostered to his hometown in the countryside.

It was a small town surrounded by mountains on three sides.The town is very beautiful, and it seems that the fragrance of flowers is wafting all year round, but in Shen Xingze's memory, there are always only two colors of black and white.

White river, white flower field, white sky.

The black road, the black figure, and the dark and gloomy old house exuding the smell of rotten wood.

His mother lived in a big city and wandered by his father's side, and Shen Xingze was usually taken care of by an old grandmother in his hometown.Apart from staying in the kindergarten, I occasionally go to the mountain to visit the grave with the grave relatives.

There used to be a large and prosperous family in my mother's hometown, and the tombs on the small half of the hill were stacked on top of each other, like the "big white steamed buns" described by Lu Xun.

And these "steamed buns" were Shen Xingze's best childhood playmates.

There is a black kindergarten in a small town. In Shen Xingze's memory, it seems to be in the shape of a birdcage - inside the high iron fence, there are screams and strange smells everywhere.And children at that age are like little parrots learning their tongues, copying the gossip learned from adults, and learning from each other like cross-infection.

Compared with those black parrots, Bai Mantou is quiet and friendly.The grandmother of the grave said that Shen Xingze's family members slept in the steamed buns, and the words engraved on the stone tablet even became the enlightenment of Shen Xingze's literacy.

The days seem to be simply repeated between black and white, but occasionally there will be a few days with a little color - that is when the brightly dressed mother comes to visit him from the city; or takes him back to the city , to meet his father.

Soon, however, these only colors slowly began to fade.

From the chirping of those little parrots, Shen Xingze soon knew the reason why he couldn't live with his parents.He seems to have been sad and angry, but after more than 20 years, what is still deeply imprinted is shame.

From then on, between black and white, there was a gray Shen Xingxuan.

After kindergarten comes elementary school, new school buildings, new teachers—but nothing to be happy about either.Because the classmates are still the group of parrots, their wings have not grown hard enough to fly to this black town.

Until one day, his mother appeared in front of Shen Xingze wearing a bright red dress and driving a red sports car.Take him out of this black and white world forever.Out of the small town, out of the provincial capital, and even out of the country, to the other side of the ocean.

And this is all about childhood in Shen Xingze's memory.

Memories were like swamps, and it took him a while to get out.But this kind of relief is obviously pleasant, because Shen Xingze's face showed a relieved expression.

"Just like you dream about the past, I occasionally dream about what happened in that town. It does embarrass me, but that's about it. It's not traumatic."

"And what about snow?"

Lu Li didn't let go of any doubts: "Will it snow in that small town?"

"..."

Shen Xingze frowned, as if he wanted to recall, but was hesitating about something.

"That latitude, logically, it should snow, but I don't have the impression—"

"Then go have a look!"

Lu Li gently held his hand: "Let's go together to find out whether it snows in that town or not."

But Shen Xingxuan obviously hesitated.

It took him a lot of courage just to confess this secret to others for the first time in his life.He was worried about whether he still had enough courage to face everything, and even more worried about whether the unknown would affect his image in Lu Chui's mind.

It was extremely rare that he couldn't make a decision independently, and could only turn his head to look at Lu Li silently.

Understanding his silent begging for help, Lu Li leaned over to hold his cheek, and put his forehead against his forehead.

"Xingxuan, both of us are actors. So you know, acting, in the final analysis, is playing someone else's life. In order to play this person well, we will carefully figure out his character, his relationship, and his experience. ...then why are we afraid to look at ourselves when we play ourselves?"

Before Shen Xingxuan could react, he continued his monologue.

"Old man Gu once told me that a good drama cannot have only climaxes and no troughs. Life is essentially an impromptu performance. It is not difficult to play a tall and full-faced character, as long as you can withstand adversity and troughs. That's the real skill. Xing Ze, I will accompany you to figure out the next script carefully, please give me a chance to work with you."

All that needs to be said has been said.Lu Li held Shen Xingze's head in his hands, and kissed lightly on his left and right eyelids.Then he stepped back slightly, examining the eyes that had been kissed by him.

Yes, the Shen Xingze he admired should have such a pair of deep, bright and rational eyes.

--------

A few days later, the well-planned secret trip finally set off.

Considering the need to go deep into the villages and towns this time, it is necessary to have contact with others, so both Shen Xingxuan and Lu Li put on a certain degree of camouflage - both of them wore thick plate glasses, and Lu Li took advantage of his age to dress himself as plainly dressed. There are even some rustic students; while Shen Xingze deliberately dyed his gray hair and grew a small beard, coupled with a little acting skills on his body and changes in his appearance, he immediately became a middle-aged man in his 50s or [-]s merchant.

When the day of departure came, Shen Xing chose to split up with Lu Li, An Huawen, and Gordon who forcibly squeezed in.One way to fly to H province, the other way to choose to take the high-speed rail action.Since the flight needs to wait early, the actual time spent by the two parties is almost the same.

At around ten o'clock in the morning, the four met smoothly in the provincial capital, and then drove to the small town in the mountainous area.

It doesn't match the gloomy scene in Shen Xingze's childhood memories—the real town is actually a well-known scenic spot.As early as more than 20 years ago, this place was a flower planting base, especially rich in spice flowers such as roses and lavender.

The green mountains and green waters and the aromatic industry have given birth to the development of tourism.Since the 90s of the last century, the China Academy of Art has chosen this place as a designated sketching base.After nearly 40 years of development, this little-known town has become well-known in the painting circle. Many painting academies have set up locations here, and it even has the reputation of the Chinese version of "Barbizon".

After three hours of navigating and driving, An Huawen drove the vehicle slowly into the small town surrounded by three mountains.A gurgling river accompanied them to the old bridge and big tree at the entrance of the town.

Noticing that Shen Xingxuan had been silent since getting off the highway, Lu Li took his hand and held his hand without saying a word.

There are no decent five-star hotels in the town, but there are many small and beautiful inns and B&Bs.The building under An Huawen's contract is located on the west side of the town, near Shen Xingze's mother's hometown.

The vehicle drove slowly on the not-so-spacious road.Over the years, the town government has systematically demolished and repaired the town several times, and it is said that it also hired a famous artist to do the overall landscape design.Today, the houses on both sides of the street are all white walls and black tiles, which are light and undulating, and even have a wonderful sense of rhythm.

It was between May and June, and the window sills of every household were almost full of flowers.Looking around along the road, it is like walking in a Chinese fairy tale.

Even Shen Xingxuan couldn't help admitting that it was indeed different from the small town he remembered.

This is a good thing, but perhaps even more of a bad thing - after all, they are here to find Shen Xing's lost past.If all traces of memory have been erased, then what's the point of revisiting the old place.

Fortunately, not long after, they quickly found the old house.

According to the information Gordon inquired about: their old house has been left unattended since the death of the grave-grandmother, coupled with the remote location, it may have been abandoned for so many years.Although they were mentally prepared, when they actually came to the door, everyone was still slightly taken aback.

"Desolation" is not enough to describe the scene in front of us: the former Chinese-style residential buildings are now almost only a pile of ruins.The rammed-earth courtyard wall has already collapsed, and the phoenix-tailed bamboo, chrysanthemum, and other messy and unnamed weeds have occupied the courtyard.The roofs of the front porch and the left and right ear rooms have all collapsed and fell into the grass, like the ribs of some large dinosaur.The partition door of the main hall is also crooked and deformed.The slightly more beautiful carved decorations seem to have been taken away, leaving only the indecent words and patterns painted with spray paint on the mottled walls.

An Huawen and Gordon were in charge of scouting the road, while Lu Li walked behind with Shen Xingze.The four of them moved forward slowly in this strange and friendly place, looking for any possible clues.

Gordon found some dishes, and An Huawen found a wooden post suspected to be used to record the height of children...all asked Shen Xing to come and identify them.Lu Li accompanied him all the way, looking at Shen Xingze seriously.

Only Shen Xingxuan himself can't laugh or cry.

"I said, what is the point of your doing this?"

He reached out and gestured in different directions, clearly pointing out the locations of the kitchen, living room, bedroom, toilet, and so on.

"I still remember most of the things here. To be honest, apart from being a little pity, I really don't have any special feelings. Don't waste your energy feeding the mosquitoes anymore."

As he said that, Gordon, the most emotional of all, scratched his arm and groaned.An Huawen bowed his head in thought and remained silent.

Only Lu Li looked at the different expressions of the three brothers and smoothed things over.

"Don't worry. We still have a lot of time. Why don't you go to the inn first and sort out the things to do next."