Play bone

"How could this be?!"

Lu Li could hear every word clearly, but couldn't understand the meaning of the whole sentence.

"The good psychotherapy seems to be very effective, how can it cure the physical problems?"

"No, of course the disease is not cured."

Shen Xingze lowered his head in thought, and tried to repeat the explanation given by the doctor in as straightforward a language as possible.

"...When I try to suppress the wrong paranoid emotions, the root of the problem is not actually solved. Anxiety, restlessness, tension, all these negative emotions, instead accumulate because they can't find an outlet to vent. Once they are When a specific scene is triggered, the mind will be in an abnormally tense state, which in turn triggers myocardial spasm and hypoxia, which are the symptoms of angina that I occasionally feel now.”

"It's like water control. It's useless to block it alone. The more blocked it is, the more serious it will be?"

Lu Li quickly understood what he meant, and even hit the nail on the head: "So, your heart problem and your desire to control have the same root?"

"At the moment it looks like it should be."

Shen Xingze nodded, as if he felt relieved for a moment, but soon frowned again.

"According to the doctor, the situation where I am triggered by a certain object is indeed like post-traumatic disorder. He suggested that I take this time to recall carefully and see if there are any special traumatic experiences."

"...Why do you need to think about this?"

Lu Li's brain couldn't keep up with the rhythm again: "Since there are such serious sequelae, it must be a very serious event. If I can't forget it for the rest of my life, how can I still need to recall it carefully?"

Shen Xingze gave a wry smile.

"Yeah, I asked the doctor that too. He replied that there are two possibilities: first, I was very young when it happened, so I don't remember it. Second, I chose to forget. "

"Actively choose to forget?"

"Yes, in fact, this is also a manifestation of PTSD. But most patients will slowly recall it. My recent special feeling about 'snow' should also be a small fragment of memory."

"Ask your family, then. Surely they would know if something had happened to you, wouldn't they?"

Lu Li's suggestion was reasonable, but Shen Xingze became silent instead, staring at the glass on the coffee table.

"what happened?"

Lu Li leaned towards him again.

Shen Xingze came to his senses from a trance, and patted Lu Li's shoulder to show that he had no problem.Then let out a sigh.

"From the time I entered China Film Group at the age of 18 until now, I have been witnessed every day in my life. During the period from the age of 8 to the age of 18, I was in the United States, and I have already made phone calls. An Huawen can also confirm my All is well in America."

"That's before the age of 8? So young, I'm afraid I'll ask you—"

"Ask my mother. Except for her before the age of 8, I'm afraid no one knows what happened to me."

When Shen Xingze mentioned this, Lu Li suddenly remembered the internal relationship of his family - two wives, three children, under the flashy surface there was an undercurrent.If Shen Xingxuan's trauma really came from his original family, it would not seem so strange.

At this point in the reasoning of the incident, it seems to have entered the core and most chaotic forbidden zone.The two people who were close together silently fell silent, but each had a different thought in their hearts.

The silence, which was not too embarrassing, was first broken by Lu Li.

"So... what are you going to do?"

"I haven't made up my mind yet."

Shen Xingze answered honestly: "The doctor suggested that I try hypnotherapy and see if I can remember it. But you know, I have too many secrets. I like to control others, but I don't like being controlled by others." .”

"...There must be a way."

Lu Li leaned over and kissed Shen Xingze's cheek lightly.

"We will definitely solve your problem...our problem completely."

________________

The 48-hour meeting was so short that it was almost stingy, and it really shouldn't be wasted on entanglement, hesitation or even quarrel.

Shen Xing chose not to mention it, and Lu Li never took the initiative to provoke any questions about PTSD.The two of them are eagerly seeking each other's bodies like a young couple who have just fallen in love, and even have a strange pleasure like having an affair because of the existence of a helper.

Of course, at the end of this dizzy tryst, what awaits them is reason and parting after all.

After returning to Qincheng Hotel, Lu Li immediately called An Huawen.What An Huawen revealed to Lu Li was even more detailed than what Shen Xingze confessed on his own initiative.

After this period of contact and diagnosis and treatment, the psychiatrist is obviously inclined to PTSD. He believes that Shen Xingze has indeed forgotten some hurt details-selective forgetting is like a double-edged sword.On the one hand, it is the body's self-protection mechanism; on the other hand, it will also delay the recovery of ptsd-related disorders.

As for what Shen Xingxuan had forgotten, An Huawen did not have a definite answer.After all, when Shen Xingxuan came to the United States at the age of eight, he was only an eleven or twelve-year-old boy.

In the past few days, he also asked Gordon to ask his family members.However, the grandparents who raised Shen Xingxuan had passed away, and the others only walked around during the holidays.Everyone said that Shen Xingze was obedient and sensible since he was a child, very assertive, and occasionally behaved stubbornly, but it was not abnormal.

In addition, Gordon also provided something more interesting - it was a drawing book found in the attic of his grandmother's house.Judging by the signature and time, it should be Shen Xingze's works in the first few years when he came to the United States. Gordon's mother took some time to take a picture and sent it over, and An Huawen also showed it to Lu Li.

The paintings of eight and nine-year-old boys have already revealed the tendency of realism.There are few people in these pictures, but there are a lot of buildings and plants.All the lines look heavy, and every building is covered with heavy roofs painted in dark colors. There are clouds or rain in the sky, and the picture is full but the atmosphere is depressing.

Although after more than [-] years, it is not of much guiding significance to look back and analyze the graffiti of that year, but it seems that Shen Xingxuan's childhood may indeed be the source of his paranoid personality.

"So, if you want to eradicate his heart disease, you should go back to his living environment before he was eight years old to find the answer."

Lu Li and An Huawen's views on this point are surprisingly consistent.But how to persuade Shen Xingxuan is the biggest problem.

"I think he should resist the decision."

An Huawen bluntly expressed his concerns: "For more than 20 years, he has never returned to the place where he lived before the age of eight. He has never mentioned anything to anyone. If we take him back on our own initiative, I am afraid he will lose his temper."

"His current condition should not be suitable for traveling." Lu Li was obviously concerned about another aspect, "How long will it take for the hand injury to heal?"

"At the earliest, I will rest for half a month."

"That's about the same. I should be free in half a month... How about this, I will try my best to persuade Xingxuan. Then we will take him back to have a look."

The two quickly reached a private agreement: An Huawen would do the preparations for the return visit, and Lu Li would be in charge of persuading Shen Xingze.

I don't know if it's Lu Li's delusion, but since the farewell in Shanghai, Shen Xingze seems to have been avoiding the topic of PTSD.Although Lu Li made several indirect remarks, Shen Xingze seemed to refuse to communicate because of some embarrassing emotions, and even made him show a slight hostility towards Lu Li who was trying to trace back.

This is also the first time in more than a year that the relationship between the two of them has become tense.

But Lu Li knew that he couldn't give up easily because of this.

Another two weeks passed in the blink of an eye, and the current filming tasks of the crew of "Flower Calyx" were basically completed, and they entered a dormant state waiting for Shen Xingze to recover and return to the group.The actors left one after another to wait for the news of the resumption of work, and Lu Li simply packed his luggage and flew to Shanghai.

After about a month of recuperation, Shen Xingze's left hand has recovered to a large extent, the external fixation has been removed, and rehabilitation training is underway.Knowing that Lu Li was coming to live for a while, he simply dismissed the hired workers and only stocked up a week's worth of food in the refrigerator, looking forward to the little days at home where he was busy.

When the two met, they got entangled again without saying a few words.The last time Lu Li injured his hand, it was Shen Xingze who helped him wash his hair and take a bath. Now Lu Li has followed suit, using every move on Shen Xingze.

After washing away the dust of the journey, it is natural to comfort each other's lonely hearts and bodies.Shen Xing chose to recuperate, recharge his batteries, and accumulated a lot of stock. He wished he could toss Lu Li from dawn to dusk.However, things didn't go as planned. These days, Lu Li worked hard during the day to film, and at night he not only had to memorize the script but also worry about Shen Xingze's affairs, and occasionally went out to socialize with other people. He was already physically and mentally exhausted.They did a set together, but they couldn't hold on to the second set at the beginning, and before they even had time to yawn, they tilted their heads and closed their eyes in Shen Xingxuan's arms.

History seemed to be repeating itself with a different position, and this time it was Shen Xingxuan's turn to be dumbfounded.Knowing that Lu Li had a hard time these days, Shen Xingxuan was reluctant to bother him, and even helped him clean up with one hand, and then sat aside and read the script.

The bedroom was quiet and peaceful, with the naked Lu Li breathing evenly beside him, time was so gentle that it melted into a pool of spring water, soaking in it made one relax from body to mind.

As if not too long had passed, sleepiness slipped out of Lu Li's dream and wrapped itself around Shen Xingxuan's body.Soon he also became sleepy, so he simply took off his glasses, slid along the silk quilt into the warm darkness, and at the same time pulled Lu Li into his arms with a possessive movement.

This may be the most stable and stable sleep that Shen Xingze has enjoyed for nearly a month and a half.When he woke up again, he found that the time had advanced to night.

But the night is not silent.

The large floor-to-ceiling windows facing the Huangpu River frame the radiant neon lights on the Bund on the opposite bank into a hazy impressionist work, which is also like a string of colorful night lights hanging outside the curtains.

With the help of this colorful light, Shen Xingxuan found his bedmate - stepping barefoot on the soft carpet, Lu Li was drinking water.The hazy light fell on his naked body, from back to waist to buttocks, casting marble-like shadows of varying shades.

Shen Xing chose to appreciate it for a moment, then quietly approached.

"Why don't you wear clothes?"

"..."

Lu Li's back seemed to tremble, and before he could speak, Shen Xingxuan found the answer by himself.

His hand touched Lu Li's back, which was damp and cold, like a fish just caught from the Huangpu River.

"...I had a nightmare, and I was just about to wipe myself off."

Lu Li returned a hazy smile to Shen Xing.

"Do you want to know what I dreamed?"

With that said, he walked to the end of the bed, picked up his nightgown and put it on his body.

Shen Xingze didn't answer.Just as Lu Li knew him well, he also knew Lu Li's temper - even if he shut his mouth, he would say what he wanted to say.

Sure enough, Lu Li fastened his belt and walked back to Shen Xingze's side.

"I dreamed that I went back to ten years ago. The family went bankrupt, my father ran away with the money, the creditor came to smash the door, and there was a summons from the court... My mother kept it from me at first, but I blamed her for not coming to see me For the graduation performance, I only sent a shabby little flower basket. After the show was over, I bought a plane ticket to go home and complain. But when I took a taxi to the door, I found my mother came back with a vegetable basket. ...they are all vegetable leaves picked up from the vegetable market."

"..."

There was no voice of Shen Xingxuan in the darkness, but a warm palm reached out, slowly rubbing on Lu Li's back through his pajamas.

Lu Li's body and voice seemed to become softer under this caress.

"Obviously so many years have passed, but I still have this dream occasionally - as if I have never really walked out of that day. Every time I wake up from the dream, I will be very ashamed and miss my mother... …Then I would think, if I had filmed earlier and made money earlier, maybe I could have helped her get through that crisis, and maybe she could still enjoy my happiness now. But the fact is, no matter how ashamed I am, No matter how hard I work, my mother will never come back. Therefore, this will be a regret that I will never be able to make up for, and it will also be my eternal nightmare."

Having said that, his voice was a little choked up, he sucked his nose twice, and stopped making a sound.

Shen Xingxuan still didn't speak, but leaned over with his body, like a clumsy bear, carefully touching a fragile soap bubble.

Perhaps because he disliked him for being too cautious, Lu Li took the initiative to send him into his arms.

"How are you feeling now?"

"I--"

Shen Xing chose to open his mouth to answer, but he saw Lu Li turned his head and stared at him, his eyes were dim, like the lights on the other side of the river.

"Remember this feeling in your heart, because it's exactly how I feel right now... Your emotions, heart, and other problems make me very scared and worried. You accept me as a life partner, but Refuse my help, if you make any mistakes, I will be immersed in self-blame for the rest of my life, until the end of the rest of my life—do you want me to become like this?"

"..."

Shen Xingze's arms around Lu Li stiffened.And this stiffness seemed to be contagious, and Lu Li's body stiffened accordingly.

Inexplicably, Lu Li remembered a weed fighting game he played when he was a child - he picked two grass stalks that he thought were stubborn, hooked each other up, and then pulled them in opposite directions.

Does the one that broke first love the one that didn't break more?

Maybe, maybe not.But one thing is certain - from the moment the game ended, the broken grass escaped from the clutches of the bear child, and no longer needed to bear the pressure, and could easily return to the embrace of the earth.

For Shen Xingxuan, Lu Li decided to be stiffer and more stubborn than him.

Time passed by every minute and every second, and the neon lights on the other side of the Huangpu River changed colors round after round.When Lu Limo counted to the fifth round, he finally heard Shen Xingze let out a heavy sigh.

"Until I was eight years old, my mother...was always the third person in my father's family."

The author has something to say: Selective amnesia is a symptom of ptsd

The last sentence is indeed problematic, the problem will be explained in the next chapter, it is not a bug.

And remind again: Shen Xing chooses family affairs, don't take the seat according to the number