I'll forgive you when you're crazy

I directed and acted in a play, and sang a one-man show by myself.

I didn't feel like crying, my head was empty.

It is also very convincing to deceive oneself to such an extent.

"Who pays for the expenses I need to live here? My parents?" I asked Anci.

An Ci shook his head: "It's Wu Tian."

"He sent me in?" I frowned and looked at An Ci.

An Ci still shook his head: "No, it's you."

I raised my eyebrows in surprise: "Myself? Did I send myself to a mental hospital?"

An Ci nodded: "Actually, you were just suffering from depression at that time, and later developed into delusional disorder, and then you forgot that you came here, and asked me to call Wu Tian just now, he did see you, But it didn't work well, but when I left, I voluntarily paid for your treatment here."

"When did my memory confusion begin?"

"It started when you were paranoid."

I nodded: "Then how long can my sober consciousness last?"

An Ci said: "That depends on your own willpower. As long as you really let go, you will be liberated, and naturally you will no longer have delusions."

I laughed at myself: "It's such a terrible feeling to suddenly wake up halfway through a dream. The case is still unsolved. I really want to know who the murderer is."

An Ci tilted his head and smiled, "You can tell me, maybe I can help you analyze who the murderer you subconsciously think is."

I thought about it, and told Anci everything about the case in my memory. Although it wasn't detailed enough, I racked my brains to remember it.

An Ci stroked his chin and said, "Isn't the answer already coming?"

I looked at An Ci in surprise: "What do you mean?"

An Ci smiled and said: "The murderer in your subconscious mind is 'me', that person named An Ci once told you the story of the girl who committed suicide, implying that he had a strong motive for committing the crime, and he used to be a forensic doctor , so the anti-investigation ability is top-notch, and it is indeed very provocative to just give the police a head start to solve the case, and the purpose of all this is probably that he and Cheng Gong used to be in love, so use this anti-social behavior to retaliate against him."

Listening to Anci's analysis, I couldn't help but suddenly nodded.

"It's a pity, if the murderer is really him, what will happen if Cheng Gong finds out? I'm a little curious." I curled my lips and couldn't help but smile regretfully.

"Hehe, you can give them an ending you want." An Ci said.

I don't know why I imagined the guy in front of me to be that "Zhu Ci'an", but this smile and feeling are exactly the same as in the fantasy.

I sat there quietly by myself, and An Ci left without knowing when.

My heart suddenly became calm, as if I was reborn.

Life like the walking dead is back again, regular and meaningless at the same time.

Suddenly one day, An Ci said that Wu Tian wanted to see me.

I was sitting in the entertainment room, and Wu Tian was sitting opposite me.

But I found that Wu Tian in front of me was so strange that I didn't dare to look at him directly.

"I heard that you've become more sober these days, so I'll come and have a look."

I looked up at him: "What's so interesting, it's not your fault that I became like this."

Wu Tian was taken aback for a moment, and then smiled awkwardly: "Sure enough, it's different from when I saw you before."

I looked at him without changing my face, in fact, at this moment, I couldn't tell whether he was my fantasy or the real Wu Tian.

I think it is more likely to be imagined, because it is impossible for Wu Tian to suddenly want to see me on a whim.

Although I have already developed some kind of boredom with this fantasy of myself, why did I become like this?

Am I really so inseparable from Wu Tian?

"Why are you silent again?" Wu Tian asked me.

"What can I say to the person I imagined." I am already tired, and the fantasy will be tired.

"I am not your fantasy."

I scoffed, once upon a time, Wu Tian in the dream said the same thing.

"Can you help me get out of here?" I asked Wu Tian.

"Do you want to leave here?" Wu Tian asked me back.

"Of course, this place is like a prison, no, it's hell." At least the prisoners in the prison are mentally normal, but here, no one is mentally normal.

What a scary world.

I suddenly felt it was funny, the person sitting in front of me was just my hallucination, yet I would still ask if I could be taken away from here. Doesn’t this just prove that I am still “sick”.

I decided to overcome this illusion, so I bit myself hard.

At this time, several people suddenly rushed in and took me out. When he passed by Anci, he said to me regretfully, "I thought you were recovering, but I didn't expect you to have a masochistic personality disorder."

Oh maiga...

Ha ha……

Looks like I'm not going to get better...

Am I going to be this crazy for the rest of my life?

The days that followed were worse than life. If I said that this place is hell is just a metaphor, then the treatment I received next is really in hell.

In order to "cure" me, I go through "electrotherapy" once a day. Electric current is passed through my temples. My mouth is gagged to avoid biting my tongue in pain. The pain of electric shock is far less than that of muscle spasms. It is no exaggeration to say that the pain caused, every time I finished this "electrotherapy", I deepened my determination to want to die.

One day I finished the "electrotherapy" and was sent back to my room. Anci came to see me.

I looked at him weakly with despair and pleading eyes: "Give me a good time, it's better to kill me than to live like this..."

If you have nothing to live for, why should you fear death?

Anci looked at me with a smile: "You seem to have misunderstood, I am not torturing you, but treating you, let alone killing you."

I looked at An Ci: "Whatever you say, as long as you don't torture me like this, you can tell me to do anything."

An Ci smiled meaningfully: "Is it okay to kill someone?"

I froze for a moment: "Why do you want me to kill someone?"

An Ci smiled and said, "Murder is not illegal because of mental illness."

I immediately looked at him with an ashen expression. Is this guy joking or serious?

"Are you serious?"

An Ci still had a smile on his face: "As long as you are serious, I am serious."

"Who do you want to kill?" I couldn't help asking.

"It doesn't matter who it is." An Ci smiled.

"What if I can't do it?"

"That's okay, there will be other people to take over, it's right to practice, but you have to be mentally prepared, going out from here doesn't mean freedom, your paranoia is very serious, if you don't have the guidance of normal people, You are likely to 'perform' on the street, and when you wake up, you may have been sent back here, but at that time, it will not be so easy for me to trust you again."

I looked at An Ci with a dead face: "As long as I kill someone for you, even if I come back here, I won't suffer from that kind of torture again, right?"

"That's right." An Ci smiled and looked at me.

I couldn't help thinking about it, and I frowned and asked, "How many mental patients like me have you used to kill you?"

An Ci shook his head: "You are a special case. Except for the paranoia, your thinking logic is very clear, just like ordinary people, so it is easy to pretend outside, and you have a strong sense of law and professional knowledge, which is different from ordinary people. The mental patients are different, even if they kill people, they have strong anti-investigation capabilities, so they are not easy to be traced by the police."

"What if I suddenly fell ill while killing someone?"

"No, your paranoia has always existed. The reason why you are not suffering from the disease now has a lot to do with the environment and treatment. When you are highly concentrated, it is difficult to produce delusions. This is like a sleepwalking patient who sleepwalks without sleep?"

"Then as long as I keep my focus high, will I be fine?" I asked.

"Do you think sleepwalking patients will never sleep?" Seeing that I bowed my head in silence, Anci continued, "I know you won't change your mind so easily, think about it carefully, and I will talk to you in the future."

When An Ci was about to leave, I suddenly said to him: "So I somehow became your killer?" I stared at An Ci, and suddenly felt that all of this seemed to be a trap.

Is the Wu Tian I saw before real or my hallucination?Why does everything that's happening now feel even more outrageous than my previous delusions?

An Ci shook his head helplessly: "I've said enough today, you should have a good rest."

I was still in this white hell, I sat alone in a corner of the entertainment room in a daze, holding a half-opened novel in my hand, I didn't read any content at all.

An Ci sat across from me at some point, glanced at the cover of the novel, and asked me with a smile: "Nowadays novels are popular for rebirth and time travel, if you are given a chance to be reborn, do you think your life will change? ?"

The focal length of my sight became normal, I looked at him for a while, and replied: "I don't know, if I just live my current life again, I don't know if it will be better than it is now, maybe it will be worse, Who knows how to avoid the bad luck that I could have avoided by repeating it? What if I die before I reach this age."

Anci: "If you designed yourself as the protagonist of a story, what would you design yourself to be?"

I thought for a while and answered, "Are you asking me what kind of person I want to be?"

An Ci smiled and said, "That's almost what it means."

I thought for a long time, and replied: "In fact, a large part of a person's character is closely related to external conditions. When I have proud external conditions, such as a strong family background, aloof status, and an alluring appearance , Wealth beyond rival country, reputation known to the world, then the same coward will be praised as humble, even if I have a big temper, I will have the confidence. If I can have all these things, then am I still human? And God What's the difference?"

An Ci smiled and said, "But the protagonists of novels often have their own merits, otherwise readers might not be interested in reading them."

I nodded: "I know, otherwise, why would I be the protagonist? If someone like me becomes the protagonist, I'm afraid no one will watch it at all."

Anci: "The young people nowadays like to watch the gods fall in love. The common people's love is just daily necessities, and the fireworks are too heavy. In their eyes, the biggest enemy of love is the rival of love. This is why Gongdou drama is so popular. One, because there are many rivals in love, you can fight back and forth, just like watching an arena, the people fighting inside are bleeding and crying, and the spectators in the stands watch with great interest."

Me: "When I was young, I always imagined myself as the protagonist when watching cartoons. Now I find that I am far from the protagonist in the cartoon."

"Can you still remember why you wanted to be a lawyer in the first place?"

Me: "I just think the law can help others."

"now what?"

"I believe the law can still help most people."

"Then when you were violated, did the law protect you?"

I remained silent, but it wasn't that the law couldn't protect me, but that I no longer had the courage to fight.

Compared with the violation itself, the mental damage caused by this incident far exceeded my expectations.

"The judgment at that time was unfair, right?" An Ci continued to ask.

I remained silent, Anci's words pierced my nerves.

This judgment may not be significant to others, but for me, it shakes my faith in the law.

I am different from ordinary people. I understand the law, but I also chose to accept this judgment silently.

Compared with the judgment itself, being abandoned by my lover, isolated by relatives and friends, and suffering from prejudice are what broke me down.

Why do I never forget Wu Tian?Is it love?still hate?

I can't tell the difference.