I was as innocent as you

When the results of the physical examination came out, Qu Shen was fine.Although Zhai Yanghao breathed a sigh of relief, he felt like his efforts were almost exhausted.As soon as this happened, as long as Qu Shen wasn't in front of him, he wouldn't feel at ease, but he couldn't work normally with Qu Shen always with him.He even wanted to take Qu Shen's parents to take care of him, but he was afraid that the old man would be worried if he knew the truth.

Qu Shen didn't have any special reaction, just kept depressed, didn't speak, didn't do anything, just dazed.Zhai Yanghao wanted to ask him what was going on several times, but Qu Shen refused to say anything.Qu Shen couldn't sleep well at night, he always had nightmares and insisted on sleeping with the light on.Zhai Yanghao is a light sleeper, and he can't fall asleep when there is a light. After Qu Shen did this, he suffered from insomnia every day, and his heart was full of anger.He was angry with those boring people, and he was also angry with Qu Shen.The exposure of his emotions will also make Qu Shen feel very anxious.

Every night before going to bed, the two of them would always have some unpleasant moments. Zhai Yanghao always tried to persuade him to turn off the lights, but whenever he turned off the lights, he felt terrified. Even though he understood rationally, he was completely powerless to resist that strong fear.He didn't know how to explain to Zhai Yanghao, so he could only cover the switch of the bedside lamp.

Zhai Yanghao had a stalemate with him for a while, but still fell asleep.

Qu Shen heard Zhai Yanghao keep turning over and knew that he couldn't sleep well.Dimming the light a little bit, but eventually reaching the limit.Zhai Yanghao was still tossing and turning, while Qu Shen was lying with his back facing him, motionless, self-loathing constantly washed away in his heart.

His hyperpnea flared up again.

He got up gently and went to the kitchen to get a bag to adjust his breathing. When he came back, he found that Zhai Yanghao had turned off the light and fell asleep.He suddenly felt that he couldn't accept this matter, turned around and went out, went to the studio, sat down to paint and it was dawn.The cleaning aunt was the first to see him and was very surprised. While cleaning, she asked about the health and well-being.Qu Shen didn't want to talk, the more his aunt asked, the worse he felt.People came to the studio one after another, even just dropping in to say hello to him, and he felt very bored.

People are really hideous.Such thoughts are constantly fermenting in his heart. Everyone has flaws that he cannot accept, including himself.He has always known that he is weak and incompetent, no matter how hard he tries, he will still be like this, and he cannot face it.There are countless rules and regulations in his heart, and he carefully wants to be a person who does not make mistakes, but his weakness and incompetence will eventually push him into all the troubles he tried to avoid——Smoking that cigarette that day, many of his memories are Vaguely, but he recalled being uncomfortable, but not bad.

The erosion of drugs, the confusion of the place, although I am unconscious, I don't feel bad.

He couldn't even guarantee that he didn't have any yearning for that occasion.

He couldn't accept this at all.

Even looking back on his own life for a little bit, his unfeeling towards his parents, his reliance on Zhai Yanghao, his ambiguity towards the master, and his flattery towards all kinds of people in the circle - he has already been full of bad deeds, worn down by life and himself.

When everything happened, he focused on his own emotions, as did everyone else.Everyone judges and acts only from their own emotions, everyone is selfish, and no one can live without despicableness.

Such a life cannot be looked back.

Qu Shen felt sincere despair.He even wished he had died in middle school.At that time, he still had a healthy body, a happy family, a pure obsession with painting, and a person who was closest to the definition of a friend.

Everything looks so hopeful.

When Qu Shen was at his lowest, Zhai Yanghao thought of many ways.But Qu Shen didn't want to see his friends, let alone his parents. He saw a psychiatrist once, cried a lot, and didn't tell Zhai Yanghao what he said, so he refused to go again.Zhai Yanghao ran to ask the doctor. The doctor only said to help Qu Shen vent his emotions, but he didn't talk about any other key issues. He could only see Qu Shen if he wanted to continue the chat.

When Zhai Yanghao was at a loss, the master came to the door, bringing his slow and slow friends.

Gradually, he is about to lose his childish appearance. He is also a handsome boy. After staying abroad for a few years, his personality is much more cheerful.He has been painting all the time, but he didn't take it seriously. He was very happy to paint and paint on his own, and he never thought of pursuing painting as a goal.He still likes Qu Shen's paintings, and has been paying attention to them abroad. He has stockpiled several Qu Shen's picture albums. His mobile phone and computer desktop are all Qu Shen's paintings. The paintings that Qu Shen gave to the master are also placed in his bedroom. , is completely a fan.

At the beginning, Qu Shen was also very friendly to Slowly. He still remembered the things he played with Slowly in the early years, and his impression was also very good.

But things quickly took a turn for the worse.

Slowly brought a friend back, she is a little girl of Chinese origin, speaks Chinese with a Taiwanese accent, and has a rather domineering personality.Others thought this little girl was straightforward and playful, but Qu Shen didn't like her very much.She came to Qu Shen's studio, and while looking at it, she kept asking if it was very expensive, and said with a smile that Qu Shen must be very rich.

Qu Shen was painting a medium format at that time, and he was painting a lamp.

Slowly watching from the side, very serious, said to the little girl: "It feels warm and lonely."

Qu Shen was a little happy just now, the little girl looked at it from the side, then turned to ask: "What does this painting mean? It doesn't feel meaningful."

He slowly raised his face, expecting Qu Shen's answer.

The little girl looked at Qu Shen with disapproval in her eyes. Before Qu Shen could speak, she said again: "I can also draw. I look so happy to be a painter."

"Haha, then you have to sell it to me cheaper." Slowly joked.

"Send it to you," said the little girl, "what is this? It's silly to spend so much money on these."

After the two children left, Qu Shen turned around and broke the drawing board, only to realize that he was going too far and out of control.

It wasn't until this moment that Qu Shen realized that his hatred for people was so deep that it could easily germinate against a child.The more he knew that he shouldn't care about such a trivial matter with a child, the more the hatred in his heart spread, and the stronger his disgust for himself.

The easier it is to hate, the more Qu Shen feels like falling into an abyss.

Everyone in the world is despicable and ugly, even myself is no exception.

People are born sinners, ignorance, and suffering. Such judgments appear again and again in religion, but they are not the reason for a person to yearn for life.

Thoughts of world-weariness and suicide will burst out because of any little thing, and they will churn in his mind almost all the time.This is not the world he longs for, and death is not the path he is willing to choose. He still wants to find even the smallest virtue and tranquility, see even a bean of light in the dark, and paint what he can love in the faintest light. world.

Yet he couldn't even face one person calmly.

The author has something to say:

Tomorrow is another day.