goodbye midsummer

Before going to bed that day, Shen Yi knocked on the door of Qin Yang's bedroom, leaning against the door frame with his weak body due to low fever: "Come to my room tonight, let's sleep together."

When Qin Yang, who was solving a problem at the desk, heard this sentence, he was so frightened that he almost dropped the draft paper on the floor: "What?"

Shen Yi's expression was serious: "I have something to tell you."

"Say it now, can't you?" Qin Yang's voice was weak, and he didn't dare to look him in the eye.

"Why don't I come to your room, and I'll move the quilt over and lay it on the floor." Shen Yi was really serious.

Qin Yang swallowed his saliva: "It's better... I'll go there." Then he added, "You're still sick."

"Don't worry, I won't infect you." Shen Yi smiled, "Then remember to come over later and wrap the quilt up."

He left after he finished speaking, leaving Qin Yang alone in front of the desk, feeling like an overturned colorful painting vase, excitement, joy, uneasiness and fear all mixed together at the same time, extremely complicated.

Shen Yi, what exactly do you want to say?

Qin Yang moved the quilt and pillow to Shen Yi's room, spread it on the floor casually, and sat on the quilt somewhat restrained.

"This seems to be the first time sleeping together?" Shen Yi got into bed and asked him with a smile.

"Yeah." He replied in a very low voice.

"Don't look like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered. I don't eat people. I've turned off the light." Shen Yi smiled at his stiff look, and reached out to turn off the lamp.

The room suddenly darkened.

Even though he knew nothing would happen, his heart still missed a beat the moment the lights dimmed.

Now, in this not-so-wide space, he and Shen Yi are breathing together in the dark—this situation can drive him crazy to the point of having a heart attack.

He lay down slowly, but his heart beat faster and faster.

To make matters worse, Shen Yi's voice came from less than half a meter away from him. In the darkness, it sounded different from that in the daytime, with a darker and more seductive power.

"Qin Yang, would you mind telling me about the person you like?"

Qin Yang, who was unexpected about this topic, was unable to respond for a while.

Shen Yi continued: "I've thought about what you said to me this morning for a long time. Although I know that I can't interfere with emotional matters, I can't let it go. After all, it sounds to me that your attitude towards this relationship seems to be Pretty negative, but you can't get out of it. I think it's better to talk to you. Find out what's going on between you and the person you like."

Qin Yang lay on his side, with his back to Shen Yi, and said in a low voice: "Nothing happened between us. You don't have to worry about anything."

"That's why I'm worried." When the quilt rustled, Shen Yi seemed to turn over, "You told me before that the person you like seems to be older than you. How long have you liked her?" gone?"

Sighing deeply in his heart, Qin Yang replied in a low voice, "It's been a while."

—Two years, fool.

"In the past two years, the other party has never known that you like her? Are you going to tell her?"

"Ah."

—How am I going to tell you to your face, fool.

"why?"

Qin Yang was taken aback, and subconsciously hugged the quilt tightly: "Even if we say it, there will be no good results."

"Does she have a boyfriend?"

Qin Yang didn't answer, and the bedroom was silent.

This time it was Shen Yi's turn to sigh deeply: "So this is a hopeless love?"

"Ah."

Qin Yang knew that Shen Yi would misunderstand, and would mistakenly think that his silence was tacit consent.But he was too lazy to lie and explain.So, let him misunderstand.Anyway, in the end, this love can only be buried in his heart alone.

On the other side, although Shen Yi really wanted to ask Qin Yang a series of details related to that "girl", he felt that it was inappropriate to go into it so deeply.After thinking for a while, he could only say in a relieved tone: "Since you know there is no hope, you should leave in time."

"Whether you love it or not is something you can't control with your own heart." In the dark night, Qin Yang's words sounded particularly bitter, "Even if you know it's not possible, you will still do it. Isn't this love? Even if I want to get away, but you..."

Qin Yang buried himself in the quilt, and the second half of his sentence disappeared in the darkness.

——Even if I want to withdraw, but you are by my side, how can I restrain myself from having all kinds of delusions?

——Even if you are not by my side, everything in this world can lead my thoughts to you, how can I not miss you?

Shen Yi felt the pain in his heart, and couldn't bear to continue asking, but had to continue this topic.

"Waiting without hope is very painful, Xiaoyang. Let go as soon as possible."

I have been hopelessly holding on to a wish that will not come true, and I have given myself one excuse after another to refuse to leave and let go, just like stabbing myself with a knife over and over again.However, even if you are dying because of it, what will not happen will still not happen.

The reality is so cruel.I hope you understand this so you can be less cruel to yourself.

"Qin Yang, go and love someone you can love."

Qin Yang's figure lying sideways on the ground remained motionless, neither expressing his objection nor agreeing halfway, so it was impossible to know whether he had listened to Shen Yi's words.

Just when Shen Yi thought he had fallen asleep, Qin Yang suddenly sat up from the floor and said in a clear and calm voice, "I see."

Shen Yi didn't have time to react, Qin Yang had already stood up, rolled up the quilt on the ground and hugged him in his arms.

"I'm going back to my room to sleep." After speaking, he opened the door and walked out.

"Qin—"

The door closed with a bang, leaving no room for Shen Yi to speak for a second, and the bedroom returned to the darkness of being alone.

Shen Yi looked at the dark door, heard the dull sound of opening and closing the door from the opposite bedroom, and thought of the conversation just now and Qin Yang's back in the dark. Although it was blurry, it conveyed a sense of sadness .

He was probably really sad.

That child, maybe he really likes that person.

Shen Yi suddenly felt like beating a mandarin duck with a stick, and felt very uncomfortable.

But he would rather feel bad than let Qin Yang sink deeper and deeper into the hopeless quagmire.Before it's too late, we must quickly fish this child ashore.

Hopeless expectations, I know best how hurtful they are.

How many days and nights when he was young, he was like Qin Yang: even though he knew that his parents didn't care about him at all, he still had a little luck in his heart, hoping to see the day when they would change their minds and love him more .

With that kind of hopeless expectation, he firmly believes that as long as he becomes a good enough child, his parents will suddenly find this shining son one day in the future.So he never troubles them, always completes homework independently; strives for grades that are good enough to make other parents proud; as long as he can do housework, he does it all by himself... In everything, he tries to please his parents , in exchange for their attention.

But such an approach is of no use at all.

They eventually came to the step of divorce.

Moreover, in the few years before they reached this point, whenever their husband and wife got together, the content of their quarrels all revolved around Shen Yi—they ignored him so much in their daily lives, but they only competed to highlight their love for him when they quarreled. The family's devotion and patience—and he, Shen Yi, their own son, is the object of their scrambling for "endurance".

Throughout junior high school, Shen Yi lived in the endless smoke that was unavoidable after they occasionally met. When they quarreled, they never shied away from whether their son was in the next room, whether they could clearly hear the content of their quarrel, and those contents would affect him. What kind of shadow does a sensitive teenager in adolescence produce.

They were constantly arguing, arguing, arguing.

In this way, Shen Yi gradually understood that no matter how good and well-behaved he became, his parents would not turn their attention to him, even for a moment.

The only thing they love most is themselves.

The moment he realized this, Shen also realized how naive and hopeless thoughts he had before - he would always be a superfluous and ignored existence in this family.

In the life of parents, I have no place, no value and meaning of existence.

Perhaps the conclusions he made back then were somewhat arbitrary, but he did know one thing: In this world, there are indeed parents who do not love their children.

After realizing this, he felt a sense of self-defeating ease——

No need to work hard anymore, because hard work is useless.

There is no need to be a good son anymore, after all, they are not good parents either.

From now on, only do what you like, and no longer force yourself to be a well-behaved and obedient child.

In the summer of his freshman year in high school, when he was 16 years old, his parents finally divorced.

In the winter of his first year in high school, when he was 16 years old, his mother met a civil servant who had a stable job and took care of his family, and remarried.And soon, pregnant.

The news of his mother's remarriage and pregnancy reached Shen Yi's ears at the same time, and his father did not hide the news from him at all.

Through some complicated means, he saw his mother's wedding photo.It can be seen that the belly in the wedding dress has grown slightly. She is holding the hand of her new husband with her left hand, and gently stroking the unborn child with her right hand. Even through the photo, you can still feel the overflowing maternal love in the picture .

Shen Yi looked at this familiar woman and suddenly felt that she was very strange.

In his 16 years of life, he had never seen his mother show such a loving expression to him.But now, through the screen, he felt her full love for an unborn fetus.

How ironic, when he finally decided that she was not a mother who would love her children unconditionally, but she showed him in this way: she just doesn't love you.

Just because she doesn't want to be a good mother to you doesn't mean she doesn't want to be a good mother to someone else.

Shen Yi stared at the photo for 10 minutes that day, and then he suddenly felt his heart twitch like being stabbed by something, the contents of his stomach churned up, he felt sick, and ran to Spit out the bile in the toilet.

Then inexplicably, the eyes streamed, and there was no way to stop it.

He let himself cry for a long time, then got up and went to the small shop downstairs to buy a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

It happened to be night, and he sat in the small park downstairs in the community where there were no people. He took out a cigarette and lit it, holding it vaguely between his fingers, watching the white smoke rise blankly and slowly drift into the air.

In the darkness, the faint flame that flickers on and off as the tobacco burns is like the lamp at the end of the journey.

Give him the warmth and comfort of a lonely traveler.

"She turned out to be a good mother."

He talked to himself and smiled at the sky like a self-deprecating smile.

Then, he lowered his head and smoked the first cigarette in his life.