Bit by bit

I had no sense of security when I was a child, and I lived a life of being dependent on others since I was a child. Even after living with my parents, this lack of security still bothers me. I really hope that I am the kind of student with excellent academic performance. Surviving by myself, I can create the future I want by myself, so I never thought about giving up when I knew that I was so poor in mathematics that I was powerless. The pain of failing the college entrance examination several times still makes me feel heartbroken. Especially when I woke up and found that I was in a different place, the pain was no longer strange to me.

I have been in the counseling station for two years, and I think I really can't go on like this.Recently, I have been thinking about what to do. I still have no sense of security. I may not have this job at any time, and the money is not much. I am afraid that when I am fired as a person without a diploma, what should I do?

I have read a lot of inspirational articles recently. Most of those outstanding people only do one thing in their life, and they do it very well. When they set their goals, they follow their own hearts.I'm also thinking about what I want to do most.In my life, I have spent most of my time fighting for one thing, that is to go to college, and the road that the poor must pass if they want to live a better life.I tried so hard to do this well, and I persisted and struggled, but I still failed in the end.

People say that a student with a good math score is a smart person, but my math is terrible. I was thinking that I must not be a smart person, even if my Chinese score is not bad.I really want to make money by my own efforts, but what can I do without a diploma!Even if I listen to my inner voice, I still want to go to university, study journalism, or go abroad to take a look.

But I have fallen several times on this road, should I continue to work hard, what if I fail again, my heart really can’t be beaten like this anymore, maybe I will die .

There are so many things, especially the things I experienced in the cram school, I really don’t want to mention them. There is the danger of the roof beam collapsing during the meal, and the classmate ran desperately without being smashed, the embarrassment of being asked about his age, and the poor test scores. The ideal scene of staying in the toilet, everything makes me scared and unconfident.

I still remember that Naoki in my favorite Taiwanese drama "Mischievous Kiss" said that what he dislikes most in his life is bowing his head, and what he is worst at is asking for help. I am the same, and I don't like it either, but sometimes I still do it .Before you have the ability to change the status quo, you have to learn to do some things you don't like.

My parents hope that I can just find someone to marry and live a normal life, but I still have a lot of things I want to do but can't start, I am so confused, what should I do?I really want to escape!Escape to a place that no one knows and live a free life alone, without persecution, and without expectations. Anyway, the expectation is that the greater the hope, the greater the disappointment.