lucky me

However, tonight is destined to be a long night. I didn’t take a shower, and I lay on the bed without even taking off my clothes. I just fell asleep and fell asleep. When I opened my eyes, what greeted me was not the morning sun, but the dazzling lights , what woke me up was not the sound of the car outside the window, but the heavy knock on the door. I opened the door helplessly, and Yang Hao stood in front of my door with a drunken face. The man in front of him was decadent and lost, without any trace of his former elegance and calmness.

It was a terrible night. Even after such a long time, I still feel chills when I recall it. I don’t want to describe the details of that night too much, but I clearly remember that night. Yang Hao, I’ve been dating for almost half a year The man, in my bachelor apartment, fucked me as someone else.It wasn't me who he called out excitedly and murmured. He indulged wantonly on me, expressing his love for Lu Xin, like bayonets passing through my heart, the pain is unforgettable .I can't even remember whether I was crying, I just remember that it hurt so much that day, from body to heart, the pain was unbearable.

The next day, before Yang Hao woke up, I went to the office early, suppressed all the pain, and sat quietly in the huge office until the people who went to work came one after another, then I suddenly got up and ran to the apartment building. It's time to explain everything clearly to Yang Hao, let's talk about it, maybe break up directly.Anyway, sooner or later, now is the best time.

Thinking that Yang Hao might have left this time, I quickened my pace even more, firm and steady, this time, let’s make everything clear, when I opened the door, Yang Hao was sitting on the edge of the bed smoking a cigarette, looking around At the opposite moment, I saw a trace of panic in his eyes, and then he quickly regained his composure.

"woke up"

"Well, yesterday I..."

"Well, I drank too much"

"His name is Lu Xin." I never thought that hearing this familiar name again would have such an impact. When the name I heard countless times last night was recalled to my ears again, it was like a sharp knife.I pretended to be calm and sat down beside him without looking at him. I lowered my head and fiddled with my fingers, preparing to listen to a story calmly.

"We met a long time ago, I don't know when it started, I found myself falling in love with him" Love?This man who has never said this word to me said it easily now "I tried everything to chase him, including going to study abroad, I think I used all my strength to do this, I thought everything was wonderful at that time, and I was willing. Later, when Chen Chuan appeared, I did not give up, because I firmly believed that Lu Xin had feelings for me. A year ago, Xiao Xin told me that they were together, yes He chased Chen Chuan, he always understood my intentions, but he couldn't help Chen Chuan, at that time, I knew that I had completely lost everything I had been insisting on." When Yang Hao said this, I suddenly felt very sad. I want to say something self-deprecating, as expected, those who are favored are fearless. It turns out that I am not even in this love triangle, the story of the prince and the princess, and I am just a passerby.

"I gradually found that I didn't have the energy and didn't want to talk about love anymore. I was too tired. I just wanted to find someone to be with." It turned out that I should really think about it. "Yesterday, tonight" Yang Hao will He took a deep breath of the cigarette, and then extinguished it, "I probably remember it all." He put one hand on his face and rubbed it, and then continued to say, "I'm sorry, really, I'm such an asshole." Gradually, Yang Hao , When I said it, I started to cry, I turned my head, tears dripped from his face, looking at this man who burst into tears in front of my eyes for the first time, I felt extremely heartbroken and sympathetic, at this moment, I know, I'm done, the man in front of me has died like a lamp after a complete defeat, and will never love again, and the person in my heart will always occupy his whole person, his whole soul, and I, But I fell in love with him, he filled my whole body and mind, but I couldn't step into his heart, I was so humble and terrible.The irony is that when he told me to try dating, he really never talked about love. He didn't say he would try to love me.I naively put relationship and love together.

But after he said all that, since I didn't do anything, I didn't break up with Yang Hao, I couldn't do it, no matter how much I made up my mind and told myself how desperate I was, I couldn't break up with him, Of course, I never told him that I fell in love with him, but I just wanted to be around him as long as possible, even if it was mean, even if I didn't act like it.But, the only fact is that we are still together.

I think maybe I'm the kind of person who used to marry by fingertips. Even if I don't have a husband, I don't love myself at all. In the name of telling myself.

Maybe one day, I work hard slowly, little by little, even if there is no beauty of love, Yang Hao and I can get the kind of friendship of mutual support and mutual support.I began to do everything carefully in all aspects. To be honest, I knew that I was not good enough for Yang Hao, but I tried hard to make myself outstanding. I worked hard, kept fit, and persisted. I went to some training courses, I even started to learn French by myself, I started to pay attention to my dressing taste, I learned to drive, I learned to take care of myself, I learned to read more books, I learned to improve my taste, Yang Hao gave me a Card, the one with a very high amount, I am a realistic person, I learn to use this card to do what I want to do, my salary is not high, 8 to 9 thousand a month, not even enough for a set of clothes for Yang Hao So I am aware of my ability issues, I don't mind using Yang Hao's money, because we both try to find a way to balance each other, of course I am not hiding my money, I will use it, just, Compared with Yang Hao's life, my money can only be regarded as pocket money, but I still cherish it very much.Yang Hao never asked me about my salary. He only said that you can handle it yourself. Of course, I still pay attention to the occasions when I swipe his card. Unless I buy something beyond my heart, I usually use my own card for peace of mind.

I started to learn to be a qualified partner, and I really started to think about being a good wife and mother. Apart from my family, Yang Hao is the first person who eats my cooking. I cook, to be honest, it’s not bad Yes, it's just that I don't like to invite people to eat the meals I cook, it's stressful.

Yang Hao and I seem to be back to the state before that night, shopping together, going out to play, but it seems that some things have really changed, I feel that I have started to calm down, and try not to act too much on Yang Hao Dependence, excessive enthusiasm, it seems that Yang Hao is not as unattainable as I imagined before, a kind of superior admiration, I started to treat everything plainly, but occasionally I still can’t help but sneak more glances at him and do more. Ordering his favorite dishes, I even fall in love with drinking his favorite coffee, but all of these, when he is not paying attention, I just love him so quietly.

I feel that all this is like a dream but not a dream. I don't know when I will leave this life, and I will disappear forever from Yang Hao's world.

No one mentioned Lu Xin's matter again, and we never mentioned what happened that night again. I learned to live independently and self-improvement. Only those who have a true and complete personality deserve to have love. I don't know when Yang Hao will Put me in your heart and take it slowly, maybe we will be like an idol drama, Yang Hao will be moved by my persistence, and will see my silent dedication, all the sweetness must be exchanged with pain, and in the end We will live happily together, I love him, he loves me, simple, long flow, accompanied silently.

I was careful, I worked every step of the way, and in the end, I ended up with a crushing defeat. In the end, we were unable to overcome the reality. One year later, Yang Hao and I ended our two-year relationship on the sofa in the living room. At that time We are very calm. After so many efforts and so many struggles, I finally let go completely. Just how numb it is.

Just like what I thought, I have fallen in love with this man thoroughly. No matter what, I don’t want to, and I can’t make up my mind to leave unless he tells me to leave. This is the time when Yang Hao felt guilty for me, I was emotional I didn’t expect it to be time to fulfill my promise to him so soon. I remember that when Yang Hao seriously told me that he wanted to talk to me that afternoon, I felt uneasy. When the final death sentence was pronounced, I was finally My heart sank deeply.

"Xiaoxin broke up with Chen Chuan" Yang Hao said with a slow apology, I finally understood that I should really leave, "We want to start from the beginning" "We" is such a harsh word, "I'm sorry"

Yang Hao almost lowered his head to the floor, and I could only calmly say the word "understand" from my hollowed out body. I was so naive, I knew that this day would come sooner or later, but I still held on tightly and refused to let go. Before that, I was not unaware, but I still foolishly comforted myself, telling myself that it was not important, only I was still by his side.Perhaps, in this love drama, I am not the protagonist at all, they are the number one male in this love, I am just an embellishment, a barrier to test their love.

From an outsider's point of view, what a precious love, after thousands of twists and turns, finally returned to the beginning, the lovers finally got married, I should leave.

Yang Hao suddenly pushed a card from the table, I looked up at him, without any thought, just waiting for him to speak, the wait finally came "I'm a jerk, I was wrong from the beginning, I'm sorry , you have countless reasons to hate me, I deserve it, I don't know what else I can do except sorry and this, you are a very good person, really, you should never feel inferior, you can't imagine how much you are Excellent, there has never been a question of whether we deserve it or not. It's just that I can't change it, but I suffer with you, no matter how you deal with it, do what you want."

Yes, there has never been a question of whether it is suitable or not, it is just a question of whether it is suitable or not, thank you for telling me.I have always just lived in my own fantasy, thinking that everything will go according to its own will. "Don't be sorry, really, it's all my own choice, it has nothing to do with you, meeting you, and dating you, everything is my life, today, everything I have experienced in the past is mine, I My life, the good and the bad, belong to me. Looking back, although it is not satisfactory, these two years are very meaningful days for me. I am very grateful for everything that happened in the past two years. Everyone has every day. Personal story, it is you who fulfilled me, your appearance is the most incredible thing in my life. Everything, I understand, is the end of fate, I will take the card, thank you" is like a parting gift The same, giving me a birthday card or a New Year’s greeting card, there is actually no difference. When it really happened, there was no such anger and insult in the TV series. He hoped that I would live well, and this was the only thing he could think of. , I am very grateful and very happy, just like when a child is going to travel far away, parents let you take the most useful things they can think of for you on the road. We are not people living in fairy tales. We all know what reality is. what it looks like.

And me, I want to hold this card, I don't know what I want to use it for, but I know I'm not acting in a TV series, no one can tell right from wrong, but I know he will definitely be by my side, let I have the courage to do many things, at least give me material protection, even if everything is gone, I still have myself in the real world.There is another reason, I want to hold him, no matter if I think too much or not, at least, I don't want Yang Hao to live with such guilt and anxiety towards me, I am sincere, I really hope him well.

But I selfishly told Yang Hao this. When I left Yang Hao's apartment, I said to him, "You really don't have to feel guilty, I will take this card." Thinking about it afterwards, what did I say? What, I obviously don't want to make Yang Hao feel guilty, but saying this will only backfire. Maybe I'm really a despicable person in my heart, and I deserve to leave this so-called TV series.

I said goodbye to Yang Hao in the dusk, didn't look back, just kept going, I don't know what Yang Hao was doing when I left, watching me leave, or still sitting on the sofa, I have done countless things Hypothetical, but I didn't go back and prove it.I think I need the courage not to look back to get myself out of here.I have seen men and women crying in taxis countless times on the screen, but I never thought that one day I would cry so wantonly here.