Wei Lan

更新时间：2013-04-2501:26:18字数：8356

I remember watching a TV series called "Small Waves of Dead Water" when I was a child. I felt that my life was just stagnant water.

Like most Chinese children, they grew up in an ordinary way in life.

From kindergarten to university graduation, I have no achievements to make my parents proud of me, nor any medals to make me proud.I am very ordinary, in the eyes of outsiders; but in reality I am not so ordinary, for a gay, can he be ordinary?What's more, I'm a sick gay!I like men, but I never want to show it, and I force myself to have sex with women.I feel tired and tired!This is self-inflicted, who told me not to confess my sexual orientation?Why, I am not very clear.Maybe it's my distorted personality, maybe I'm afraid of being treated with colored eyes, maybe...maybe...but even so, I look forward to my life being smooth one day.

After graduating from university, I entered the public security organ of this city and engaged in administrative work there.The job is stable and easy, and the environment of sunny and handsome guys is always around me. This environment makes me feel like heaven, but it also makes me more cautious.After all, who wants to work with someone who sees them differently?I try to keep my eyes down and do my "job" well so that I can live in peace.

"Shao Hui, look outside."

My colleague Xiao Li walked in from the door and gestured to me.

"thanks."

Glancing at the clock on the wall, it was almost time to get off work.Could it be Fang Jie who was looking for me at this time?It's only been a week since we saw each other. ---My fifth girlfriend.

"Shao Hui, let's go to eat."

When I went down to the first floor, I was called out at the corner, it was Ming.

"Why are you? It's rare for you to find me for dinner."

"I've been hungry all day, and I can't continue painting, so I came to you."

Zhang Ming has been my friend for ten years. We are in the same school for junior high school and high school.When I was in college, I was admitted to a school in the north to study law, while he stayed in his hometown to study oil painting.

He—— is the person I have been secretly in love with for a long time.

"Which big beauty do you think she is?"

"I don't have any beauties, but you, why don't you find me if you don't look for beauties?"

Ming has been a public lover since middle school.With his handsome face, smart head, shoulder-length flowing hair, and witty conversation, I don't know how many girls have been fascinated, and I am also one of his captives.

Knowing that this relationship cannot be reciprocated, I am still willing to play the role of friend, at least I can stay by his side.

"Beauty, I'm not interested in beauties anymore." Ming snorted softly.

"what?"

"Ah what? She broke up with me. She said that I have talent but no wealth. Love cannot continue. It's boring. Let's go to dinner."

Ming raised his hand and gently brushed a few thin hairs hanging down in front of his forehead, curled his lips.His expression was a little gloomy, and I felt sour when I saw it.

"Then wait for me for a while, and I'll be off work. Can I stay with you all night?"

"Brothers are the best."

There was a small ripple at the corner of Ming's mouth.

After almost drinking in the bar, Ming dragged me to sing.He has always liked songs that are flamboyant, full of passion, and have a strong sense of rhythm.But this time, he sang "Good Night, Beijing" repeatedly throughout the night, flamboyant and full of sadness.I sang "Better Man" by Robbie Williams.

Ming, I hope we can all grow into better men.

It was late at night when Ming returned to his house with the help of a drunken man.

Carefully put him down on the bed, helped him take off his clothes and pants, and carefully admired his handsome face.

I say appreciation because I didn't mix any colored ingredients in it at this time.Otherwise, it would be a blasphemy to him.

With a pious heart, I worshiped his eyebrows, eyes, bony fingers and moving body.

He is the only spiritual lover in my young relationship.

In this way, it was the first time since I was in college that I was able to admire him without any scruples at close range.What kind of touch is this? I can't express him in words, I can only feel the rhythmic beating of the heart in the slight acid.

Gently put the quilt on his body gently, "Baby, don't catch a cold."

***

Walk out of the room and come to his studio, where there are many plaster statues placed in a mess.The paint was scattered on the workbench, and there was an unfinished painting on the easel, which was a moving woman, the woman who had just broken up with him.

Ming is for drawing figures.I remember that he said that painting is a manifestation of spirituality.Although there are many things that can embody spirituality, characters are the best one.A look, a touch of expression or an inadvertent gesture blends with the painter's feelings, and the painting is the most spiritual thing.

When I graduated from high school, Ming gave me a painting, which was an oil painting of me standing by the classroom window looking at the sunset in the distance.

My outline is softened by the setting sun, and my expression is so peaceful.

It turned out that in Ming's eyes, I was like this, a quiet and gentle boy.

"When did you draw this? Why didn't I realize that you took me as a model?"

The mood is excited, and the voice is slightly trembling with excitement.

"Hehe, I drew it secretly. You stood there that day and felt so good. I was afraid that you would walk away suddenly, so I quickly drew you with the manuscript paper. After I got home, I started to draw a new one based on the manuscript paper and memories. I have used it for two weeks. How is it, do you like it?"

"Of course, I like it very much, and I want to keep it for the rest of my life."

"It should be kept well. You know, this is the first time I draw a real person. If I become famous one day, this will be a masterpiece."

This is the first time Ming draws a real person, and I——is his first model.

I am so happy.

"Thank you, Zhang Ming. I will cherish it for the rest of my life."

……

Looking at the woman in the painting, I couldn't help feeling disgusted in my heart.

Even the woman who Ming has broken up with, inevitably still has a trace of jealousy.

Moreover, this woman Ming fell in love with—had actually hurt Ming.

But even so, she is still lucky, at least Ming has invested in her, and I am just a friend.

Looking back at Wang Ming's bedroom, where he lay quietly.I hope there is no sadness in your dream tonight, I hope there is one—me.

***

"Shao Hui, why did you leave yesterday without saying anything?"

In the afternoon Ming called to question my leaving without saying goodbye.

"You're too drunk to wake up. I dragged you home with great difficulty. I couldn't even wake you up. How can I tell you?"

"But it's so late, you still go home alone, what if you encounter some unlucky things? You can stay at my house."

"Brother, don't you look at what I do for a living? No matter what, you can't find me. Besides, you have taken up the whole bed, where can I sleep?"

Please, sleeping with you, wouldn't that force me to commit a crime? !

"Okay, okay, it's my fault that you were tired last night, how about this, I'll treat you to dinner when you come out tonight."

"...Not today, I have other things to do."

The distance is better not to be too close, the beast in my heart will bite you at some point.

"Girlfriend?"

"Yes, we have an appointment for dinner tonight."

I was going to say no to a date, but now I've changed my mind.

I don't want to be alone tonight.

"Cut..." Ming spat dissatisfiedly.

"Ah! I'm sorry to remind you of something sad."

Damn me, which pot is not opened and which pot is lifted!

"Stop being so self-righteous with me! I forgot about that kind of thing after drinking last night. With my charm, I'm afraid I can't find a better woman?"

indeed so……

"It's true. If this is the case, what are you dissatisfied with?"

"I'm dissatisfied that you didn't accompany me!"

This...hehe, you are still as willful as before.

"Why don't you be my girlfriend, and I'll accompany you." I couldn't help but want to tease him.

"Go, fuck you, it's not serious."

I felt that Ming blushed on the other side of the phone, it seemed that my hallucinations were getting worse.

"Haha, I'm not serious."

"Besides, if you want to do it, you will be my girlfriend." Ming replied with a little hesitation.

The heart beats a few beats suddenly.

Shao Hui, don't panic, calm down!

It's just a joke!If even this kind of joke is so sensitive, how will you get along with others in the future?

"Okay, I'll promise you if you really want it, anyway, I'm still free. You're considered a beauty, and I don't mind your gender if we talk to you." I replied pretending to be a calm ruffian.

"You! I'm not joking with you anymore!"

Ming's nerves are really thin, even though he knew it was a joke, he didn't want to continue because of taboos.

"Haha."

"You are getting more and more rascal now! You are still a policeman!"

From the sound, I could tell that Ming was definitely angry because he couldn't tease me with his words.

Cute as a child.

I really hope this is not a joke.

I wish your hesitation back then had a different meaning and not my hallucination.

"Hehe, well, I won't chat with you anymore. I'm going to go out after I pack up, and you can go on your own."

"Okay, but next meal please."

"why?"

"Because you didn't accompany me tonight."

"Hahahaha, I really admire you, okay, that's it, bye."

"bye."

Hang up the phone, feeling very complicated.

Really, if you want--I promise you.

***

Dinner will be at Chuanweilou, which Fang Jie likes.

Her taste is the same as her personality, warm, spicy, and crisp.

Been dating her for almost two months now, her personality has made it easy for me to be with her, she's like a boy.

But sorry, I took advantage of you.

"You're late again!"

Fang Jie looked at me dissatisfied.

"Sorry, there's a traffic jam on the road."

In fact every girl I date is constantly late and I do it on purpose.

Women don't like a man who is always late for dates, it makes them think he is not important enough to him.

I want exactly this effect.

All the previous partners broke up with me because I didn't pay enough attention to them.

I readily accepted, but on the surface I still pretended to be a poor man who was abandoned.

I was cunning, and I didn't even say a word to persuade me to stay.

The girl left furiously.

"Won't you go out early? Others are not late for appointments, but you have too many things to do."

"Our unit has strict discipline, and I can only leave when I get points."

"Humph~~"

Fang Jie quickly shook his head, not looking at me.

Even when he is angry, he is unaffected and has a straightforward personality.

Ming is the same.

"It's my fault, don't be angry."

"Then you have to listen to me today."

She looked at me defiantly.

"Okay, I'll listen to you."

***

When I opened my eyes, the people around me were gone.

I sighed lightly, I passed the test yesterday.

After returning to my hometown, I became more and more incapable of dealing with women, and I always thought about Zhang Ming.

With the increase of contact, the feeling for him has gradually returned to the ardor it was in middle school.

Last night, I passed the level smoothly by imagining what he looked like under me. I don’t know how many times there will be such a situation in the future.

Sorry Ming, I made you dirty.

"Wake up? Hurry up and get up and eat, dear~! I've made breakfast."

Fang Jie came in from the door, bent down and kissed me on the cheek.

She is such a nice woman.When we first met, she couldn't do anything.Every morning I eat takeaway.Later, when I said that I didn't like to eat outside food, she started to learn how to make it by herself.

That's fine, even if you break up later, you will be considered a perfect woman.

You're bound to find a man thousands of times better than me.

I smiled and kissed her back.

"Tell me what's going on?"

"Omelettes, milk, and apples, just waiting for you to destroy them."

"Okay, I'm going to get up and kill them."

***

When I arrived at the unit, Director Liu asked me to transfer a piece of evidence to the procuratorate, where I met Fang Jie's elder brother for the first time.

I didn't know him, or even knew he existed, because Fang Jie never mentioned it to me.

When I finished my work and was about to leave, someone called me.

Is there anyone here who knows me?Impossible, but this is my first time here.

Maybe I heard it wrong, I smiled and said "goodbye" to the inspector who received me, and walked out.

As soon as I reached the corner, I was yelled again.

"Shao Hui!"

This time I stopped, and the voice was very clear, so I should have heard it right.

Looking back, who is it?

A tall man ran towards me, about 27 or 8 years old, wearing the uniform of the prosecutor's office, I'm sure I didn't recognize him.

"you are?"

"Oh, sorry! Let me introduce myself first. I am Fang Qicong, Fang Jie's elder brother."

"Brother? I never heard her talk about it."

"Really? Well, I was on a business trip a while ago, maybe she forgot to tell you."

The man scratched his head and smiled embarrassedly.

forget?Can you even forget that you have a brother?I don't want to debunk his obvious reasoning.

Who knows if he is?

But how did he know me?

"Maybe. Did Fang Jie mention me to you?" I asked politely.

"This... To be precise, she didn't mention it. I saw you going out with her a few days ago, and I asked her later. She said that you were his boyfriend, and she also told you about your situation. "

Condition?Hehe, it refers to family, career, education, income and everything related to marriage.

"It turned out to be like this. I'm glad to see you today. I've finished my work and now I'm going back to the bureau. Then next time if we're free, let's have a meal together."

Just to verify your identity.

"Okay, goodbye then." The man showed a happy smile, and the two charming brackets around his mouth looked very much like my favorite Japanese actor - Takashi Sorimachi.

"Goodbye."

On the way back to the game, I thought about this man who claimed to be Fang Jie's brother, and there was something wrong with his words.Still, he was a charming and handsome man.

It is necessary to ask Fang Jie to clarify.

***

"Shao Hui, the person who looked for you last time came to look for you today. I left a message telling you to look for him at night." Xiao Li looked at the investigation report in his hand and told me without raising his head.

"okay, thank you."

"You're welcome."

"By the way, your skill is deep now, you can tell by your footsteps that I'm back?"

"That's right! What do I do?"

"Ha ha……"

Going back to my seat, I thought, didn't I meet Ming the day before yesterday?He used to spend four or five days looking for me, but this time it seems that the woman hurt him deeply enough.

Glancing at the clock on the wall, it's still so early!

Get off work quickly.

After work, I rushed to Ming's house as quickly as possible.

After ringing the doorbell for a long time, no one came to open it.

I had no choice but to think that this guy is really self-willed. He asked me to come here but he didn't know where he went.

Sighing lightly, he was about to leave when he heard the sound of a heavy object falling to the ground with a "bang" from inside.

Ming in it?

That voice is...?

What's up with him?

"Ming! Ming! What's wrong with you? Open the door!" I knocked hard on the door.

"Hmm..." A weak groan came from inside.

You can't be wrong, it's Ming!

"Ming, open the door. What happened?"

It took a while to hear the sound of Ming stumbling over.

As soon as I opened the door, I froze.

It's only been two days since I saw him, why is he already looking like a ghost?

The black hair that was originally silky smooth was tangled in a mess, the chin was covered with beards, the eyes were dull, and the whole person was decadent.

How did this happen?

Enter the door and close it.

I grabbed Ming and took him to the bathroom.

Ming let out a painful sound.

I didn't even notice that I was exerting too much force on my hand, so I quickly let go to see if he was safe.

"Why... did you make yourself into this look?" My voice trembled slightly.

The fingers that applied foam to Ming also trembled slightly.

"I……"

As soon as he looked up, he met Ming's melancholy eyes, which were full of pain.

Suppressing the pain in my heart, I hastily interrupted him before he had time to explain.

I was afraid that if I heard it, my hands would shake even more and my heart would hurt even more.

"Shh, I'll talk about it later, I'll shave your beard for you first."

When it was over, he put the bath water on Ming again and told him to tidy himself up.

I don't want to see him so decadent.

Sitting on a sofa with a novel design, my mood was not relieved by the comfort of the sofa, but even more depressed.

There were empty beer cans on the tables and on the floor.

After drinking so much, what should I do if I suffer from acute alcoholism?Does he still want to die?

Is it worth it for such a woman who abandoned him? ? ?

Ming, you fool!Don't understand my mind at all.Do you know how hard it is for me?

asshole!It hurts my heart...

When Ming came out, it roughly returned to its former appearance.It's just that the flying spirit is gone, and the eyes are still full of deep sadness.

"Come and sit next to me." His tone was so cold that even I was surprised.Is this really my voice?

Ming also flinched visibly.

"come over!"

Ming walked over with a little hesitation, and sat quietly beside me.

At this time, he was like a child who was afraid of being blamed by his parents.

What should I do with you?Smile wryly, you should treat him gently.

"Why do you drink so much?"

"I'm upset."

"For that woman? I'll know if you don't tell me."

Ming lowered his head.

"Didn't you say that you forget about that kind of thing after drinking? It turns out that you were just talking about it."

"No, that's not it! I just... haven't adjusted yet!"

"Oh? Just like that?"

"That's it! It's just that when I saw her portrait, I couldn't help feeling sad when I remembered the time we were together!" Ming raised his eyes to meet my gaze, and there was something called being brave.

It seems that he is a little bit more energetic, but the aggressive method still works.

This is the only way to deal with the arrogant Ming.

"Really? But I don't see it. Look what you've done to yourself? As you were just now, if I were that woman, I would never regret dumping you!"

Ming was startled, and subconsciously touched his face with his hands.

"Where did your confidence go? Losing you is her loss. You should live a better life than her, and make her regret dumping you!"

"Do you think she will regret it?" Ming looked at me uncertainly.

God!Ming!Your self-confidence really went abroad for vacation?You are a master of love!For asking me such an idiotic question.

"Of course, if you are better than you are now."

I think my firm will must have been conveyed to Ming, and he nodded his head as if sure.

"That's right. I shouldn't have ruined myself for her. I'm so stupid!"

"That's right, what is she worth? You are one in a million handsome guys!"

Well, cheer up!At last nothing serious happened, my heart was completely relaxed, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Shao Hui. You always support and encourage me! You are my best friend!"

Yeah, best friend.

Well, that's what I should do.

Now it's time to change the relaxed atmosphere, completely sweep away the dull air in this room, and consolidate the victory.

"You, don't think about me, I don't know how heartbroken it is to see you like this~~! Hehe, don't be so silly next time!"

My sincere words are expressed in a joking tone.

"kindness."

"Don't give up the whole forest for one tree."

"Of course! I'm not that stupid!"

"Then go eat now? I invite!"

"Okay! Shao Hui, you are really a good person."

"Yeah, yeah. You know."

"If you are a woman, I will marry you as my wife! Whoever marries you is a blessing."

"It's all right now."

"what?"

"Go to Holland! Gays can get married long ago."

"Bah! Obscenity! I take back what I just said!!"

"Ha ha."

"Still laughing? Dead gay, stay away from me! Haha!"

"Ha ha ha ha……"

Just one sentence pushed me into the abyss.

I'm still laughing, laughing out loud.The heart began to bleed non-stop.I'm such a dead gay!

Hopeless, hopeless from the start!

I knew it a long time ago, but I always hoped that a little miracle would happen to me.

But now, when you came out from the shadow of broken love, you pushed me into a bottomless abyss.

It's time to give up...