aftershock

"Did you see that in the study?" Gu Luben wanted to frown subconsciously, but when he walked to the bed, he just reached out and touched the other person's hair, because Jiang Yuan looked too fragile.

He is like a man who has lost money in business and has nowhere to go. After completely accepting the facts, he is determined not to resist, and his whole body is exhausted and relieved.Jiang Yuan hugged his legs and recalled his messy dreams for a while, his voice was as soft as a feather, "If you know it, you will know it, it seems that you will know it sooner or later, that's fine."

"I should have known sooner."

"Would knowing earlier change anything?"

"Yes, I can." Gu Lv didn't bother to pour the water, sitting next to Jiang Yuan clearly felt the xenophobic feeling that Jiang Yuan was becoming more and more alienated as the old past gradually became transparent. "Know it early, and you won't get sick."

"That's it." Jiang Yuan sighed softly, the sound of rain outside the window gradually died down, Jiang Yuan looked at the transparent glass door of the balcony, a thin piece, blocking the darkness and silence of the late night but clearly reflecting the unsatisfactory warmth in the room.

He really doesn't like rainy days, pouring rain, drizzle, spring rain and autumn rain, he doesn't like it. The most he can think of in this kind of weather is that it is very suitable for death.

"Do you also think I'm sick?" Jiang Yuan raised his finger and pointed to his head, "Here?"

Like asking some unnecessary nonsense, before Gu Lv could answer, Jiang Yuan smiled helplessly, "You should have seen it too, it is said that it is mental illness, depression, anxiety, intermittent mania or something like that."

"I don't know if these conclusions are true. After all, the brain is a thing...the degree of development is different, and it is determined by people, but it is impossible for people to share emotions, but sometimes I feel that it should be Really, these are all true, Xiao Hai, the people I... I hurt and killed with a knife, the scene full of blood, or the Xu Xuan I pushed down, are all true."

"Oh, and the little fish I buried in the lawn next to the lotus flower bed..." Jiang Yuan said in a low voice, and paused when he said this. With his gaze, Jiang Yuan saw that he was spreading his thumb and palm. When Jiang Yuan felt nothing, his thumb pinched his index finger into deep white furrows. Gu Lv seemed to be concentrating on it. Just to seriously smooth out those crescent marks, but Jiang Yuan knew he was listening.

"Xiao Hai, look, you also understand some things, it's better to know that you don't know, and I'm the same, I think the same way, sometimes if we all hide better, pretend we don't see it, pretend we don't hear it, don't You shouldn’t be sad or sad if you say it, right?”

"How is it possible?" Gu Lu's voice was dead, dry and hoarse.

Jiang Yuan shook his head, "Psychopaths have their own world. Others think they are unhappy, including depression. In fact, this is not the case. Depressed people can also be happy. When they are happy, they are really happy."

"They are just equipped with more emotional amplifiers than ordinary people, and they are a little more sensitive to emotions. They can perceive other people's emotions or their own emotions faster and deeper, and are easily affected by things. The negative emotions they perceive are like this, but so are the happy emotions. Like this, it's just..." Jiang Yuan smiled regretfully, "It's just that the many happy moments are not worth the few... those bad moments"

"I'm sorry, I can't take care of you well." Gu Lu surrounded him, Jiang Yuan didn't struggle, the two sat quietly, only Gu Lu's sometimes heavy breathing and Jiang Yuan's intermittent, unsteady but gentle voice in the room.

A small drop of water fell down, and then two more drops, a small piece was flowing on the back of Gu Lv's hand, Jiang Yuan saw it, and touched his eyes inexplicably, maybe he didn't want to laugh, but he didn't have any other expressions It's easy to use, he said awkwardly, "Don't ask me, sometimes I don't know why I am sad, I just seem a little sad, so don't say anything that makes me happy or moved me, I don't want to be moved, you know Yes, I am always like this, I have a mental problem."

Gu Lv could only hold back his breath, closed his eyes and hugged him tighter, Jiang Yuan sniffed, "Sometimes I really don't think I'm sick, I just live harder than others, but this is me thing, right?"

Speaking of this, Jiang Yuan seemed to have thought of something, and then paused before saying, "Xiaohai, even if it is malicious, there is a limit to maliciousness. I can tell the difference between a little goldfish and the people around me. Of course, I don't mean Xiaohai. The life of a goldfish is not worthy of respect, and it’s not because of panic, you know my distorted mentality and sophistry, I just thought a little depressed, if only Lin Ze brought edible carp, then I wouldn’t bury it Get up, if you can eat it, it won't make you feel terrible, as if I'm a pervert."

He looked up at Gu Lv with a bleak smile, but his fingertips trembled slightly, "What I said is true"

Gu Lv looked into his eyes, afraid that there would be such a smile on his face again, and he didn't know how to answer Jiang Yuan for a moment. Fortunately, Jiang Yuan seemed to understand, and he didn't make things difficult for him anymore. He turned his head and put the focus in his eyes. The inner part is scattered, the voice of speaking is full of confusion, half recalling half drawing conclusions, at this moment, he analyzes himself very frankly, like an outsider.

"Deliberately concealing and carrying secrets is very tiring, and it is also deceitful in nature. I understand, just like I didn't want to tell you at the beginning, just like your Xu Xuan is near Chichi, I left here just like you thought, because I Selfish and cowardly, narrow and mean"

"At that time, the me you saw was the one you wanted to see, but since Liang Ji brought you to see me and saw your first flag, in my heart, you belonged to me alone, sorry, At that time, I don't want you to have someone else to pour your feelings into, no, even if you don't like it, even if it's your brother, I'm really sorry, but you can't."

Jiang Yuan's calm voice had no particular emotion, and when describing a period of the past, it was even calm to a degree of indifference, as if he was clearly serious and stopped his gaze at a certain place, but he was so confused that he didn't know what he was talking about.

Gu Lv looked at him in shock, Jiang Yuan's overstretched fingers were exerting force again, which quickly distracted Gu Lv's attention, but Jiang Yuan didn't stop, but bit his lip to wake himself up, as if he suddenly realized that What he said was divided into two extremes from the previous paragraph. He lowered his eyes and whispered, "I'm not like this anymore." At the same time, he responded to Gu Lv's gesture of holding his finger to prevent him from hurting himself. Gently rubbing the back of his hand with his thumb back and forth.

"What I said, maybe I will regret it later, so I want to tell you when I'm not here." Jiang Yuan raised his head and smiled at Gu Luying, the brilliance was fleeting like a lumen, very simple and beautiful, and then He relaxed himself, and said sincerely, "So Xiao Hai, don't touch me, and don't let me go."

When Jiang Yuan was abroad, he seldom thought about what it would be like to be alone in this world, and most of the time he thought about how good it is to die.

During the time with Gu Lu, those slow-growing nostalgia were no longer suppressed, and they grew like muddy water plants, entangled Jiang Yuan's hands and feet, and kept him suspended in the water all year round, allowing him to breathe when the water was scarce. When there is a lot of water, there will be no oxygen, so I just drown in the water, half dead, and the pain is endless.He fantasizes that he is a fish, trying his best to struggle and breathe in a world that is not suitable for him, and dies again and again in the soft palm, buried in the dark and hard soil. The desperation and hope of the two balance each other.

"I'll take you to see a doctor, see a doctor, go now, no, go tomorrow, wake up and go."

Gu Lu's confusing eyes turned red strangely, and even his lips were tight. Even at such an inappropriate moment, Jiang Yuan still thinks that Gu Lu is really good-looking, so he doesn't need to describe it specifically, he is just good-looking Yes, no matter what kind of expression appears, it can make people's hearts move, and they are willing to promise him anything.

Jiang Yuan reached out and touched Gu Lv's face, with white fingers around his brows and eyes, his fingertips were soft, with the warmth that Gu Lv gave him "Don't do this," he said seriously to Gu Lv, "Most of the time I don't feel uncomfortable, any emotion is a burden to me, if I laugh too much, I have to bear the loss after not laughing, I am suitable for depression, when I am unhappy or calm, it makes me safer."

"So don't be sad, if you're sad, if you shed tears, I'll be here" He smiled, but held Gu Lv's hand but it was trembling really, he took Gu Lv's hand and placed it on the thin On the thin chest, under the palms are completely different barren flesh and blood. "I'm in pain here."

"Don't talk anymore." Gu Lv gathered his palms together, his nostrils twitched slightly, staring at Jiang Yuan's face without blinking, and tightly clenched that hand, his face was still cold, but his eyes were obviously unwilling and painful. It's shocking, he just doesn't move like this, it makes people feel that the water droplets falling on his face don't seem to come from his eyes, Jiang Yuan wiped it with his hands for a while, he was too tired, he was too tall, and Gu Lv was stiff "Come to the doctor with me tomorrow."

"I beg you."

"Please go to the doctor, you can kneel." After he finished speaking, he really pulled Jiang Yuan's hand away, as if he was going to kneel down on the floor, Jiang Yuan's eyelids twitched in shock, and his heart jumped a few times indiscriminately. He wrinkled Mei hurriedly grabbed Gu Lv, clasped his wrist with great strength, frowned and said, "Are you angry with me?"

"I'm not, I'm begging you, I'm begging you, I'm begging you, don't you understand?!" Gu Lv waved his hand away, his exhausted forbearance made him unable to control his emotions anymore, his face flushed red The eyes are filled with layers of water waves, constantly turning into falling drops of water, "Think about me, Jiang Yuan, what did I do wrong? What did you do wrong that you must treat me like this?"

"It was my fault, I pushed you into the water, I made you sick, I misunderstood you, I misunderstood you took the knife, it was my fault, it was all my fault, I was really wrong, I was all wrong admit."

"I don't love you? Have you ever cared whether I love you or not? Don't you always want to know the power-on password? Why can't you guess it? Guess, you asked the damn parrot, don't you remember? ? Didn’t you ask? You ask again? You ask now!!”

Gu Lv's sudden explosion of emotions made Jiang Yuan stand rigidly in place. He had never seen Gu Lv explode like this. Gu Lv seemed to be extremely disappointed in him. He took two steps back and raised his hand to support his forehead. After wiping his eyes hard, he stepped forward and grabbed Jiang Yuan's shoulder.

He stared at Jiang Yuan with wide eyes, his inflamed nostrils made him hold back his shortness of breath, and the tears that kept falling made him reveal a trace of desperate ferocity and stubbornness after being extremely hurt and sad, "Jiang Yuan, I can only live Life, bad luck, I can live to be 80 years old, I still have 50 years, 50 years is too short, enough for you to leave me four times, good luck, I can live to be 30 years old, you die tomorrow, my life is just right Finish"

"Do you want to know what it means to end?"

Jiang Yuan gasped for breath, raised his head to look at Gu Lv in disbelief, Gu Lv stuck his shoulder more and more tightly, forcing him to think. "The end means we will see each other after a long, long, long time."

Gu Lv sneered, "No, the end means that we will never see each other again in another ten years, one hundred ten years, one thousand ten years." He stared into Jiang Yuan's eyes, and said with a choked voice, "But I only have this life Ah, I have nothing to give you but this life."

"The password, the password is the year and day when I met you. It's not me who looks like a prince, but you."

"Sleepwalking is real. I taught the parrot. It will only answer you if you ask the question it will answer. As for what you asked, you know."

"I also planted wood roses. They are in the yard, on the roof of the company, and I also have them in my heart."

"You don't like to eat bread, you don't like carbonated drinks, you don't like heavy quilts, you don't like nails that extend beyond your fingertips, you don't like to fly for a long time, you don't like listening to other people sing, you don't like being lonely. You..."

When he looked into Jiang Yuan's eyes, he hesitated at that moment, "You said that you only like me, didn't you? Or do you?"

"Answer me, do you still want to?" His collapse has always been traceable, but Jiang Yuan didn't know that the tall and handsome man in front of him would also be wronged and fragile, as if he would cry when he couldn't wait for what he wanted, Jiang Yuan Knowing that this person is Gu Lv, with him, he had to fail. Since he was willing to exchange that gemstone for Gu Lv, he was doomed to be defeated by these eyes and this person's heart in his life.

Jiang Yuan reached out and hugged his waist, but this time he was not pushed away, Gu Lv slowly lay on his body, resting his head heavily on his shoulder, the sound of inhalation was vaguely covered with water vapor.

"I love you so much, never stop, I can tell you a hundred times"

"But there are some diseases, it doesn't look good, otherwise you will not see me like this, you like me more, don't you?"

"you shut up"

Jiang Yuan smiled, he hugged Gu Lu's waist, listening to Gu Lu's heartbeat, "I won't shut up, I also want to be better, I want to tell you the truth, I want to walk a long way with you, but every day I They are all different, and I have no way to give you any guarantee."

"I really can't help it."

"I don't want to torture you, and I don't want you to feel the same way as me, because no one, even you, who I love the most, can't really understand me. No, it's not me, it's my illness, mental illness."

"I really want to die, I really want to die every day."

"It's inexplicable, but death is actually not easy. Drowning is the most difficult success, unless you are very drunk and a car accident is not good. You know, even if you stand still, the driver will make you backfire. One thing is to take cold medicine. When I was on the construction site, I drank a lot of wine once, and I happened to catch a cold. After I finished taking the cold medicine, I remembered that I drank a lot of wine, but apart from a stomachache, I didn’t die.”

Those accidents caused by him being self-defeating caused Gu Lu's temples to ache. Jiang Yuan didn't notice Gu Lu's tightly clenched fingers and closed eyes behind his back, and numbly continued, "The only bad thing about death is that you can't die again." Seeing you, this is the only thing I miss before returning to China, I want to finish this matter, so that I can die without any worries."

"But the longer I spend by your side, the more things I miss, and one more thing, besides not being able to see you again, I'm also worried about your bad life." Jiang Yuan lost his mind, and suddenly said reluctantly He turned his head and kissed Gu Lv's neck, then laughed lightly at himself, "Ghost knows that I really investigated Peng Yang and Lin Qiao."

Gu Lu was so tired that he couldn't open his eyes, and listened to Jiang Yuan's nonsense, "Peng Yang is so pretty, but he looks so attractive. I'm afraid you will be hurt, so I will delete you. When I see Lin Qiao again at the airport , I actually think she is very good, but she will be very disappointed and unhappy, but when I think about it, if I leave..."