spare tire

Before he knew it, his palms were covered with sweat, and Li Yuan's heart beat like a drum, as if he was waiting for a doomsday judgment.

Lin Qingyue spread out all the things in his hands on the kang, and explained to him: "This is your father's diary, here are some photos of him and Uncle Ning, and these are about Uncle Ning and you... have……"

His words stopped suddenly, even Li Yuan could see that his expression was extremely contradictory, so he asked: "Brother Lin, what else?"

"And me, this is the source and some introductions about our race. You can take a look. It's too late today, so you can sleep here. I'll go to the next room to sleep."

Li Yuan didn't know what his intention was, maybe it would be embarrassing for him to stay, but as a guest, there was no reason for the host to sleep in the guest room, so he grabbed Lin Qingyue and said, "I'd better go to the guest room. Do you always sleep next door?"

Before he nodded, Li Yuan quickly ran to the next room with the pile of things in his arms.

Seeing him leaving in a hurry, Lin Qingyue sighed heavily. The secret that had been buried for 23 years was finally revealed from his mouth, which made him feel relieved and at the same time more worried.That's not an easy fact to accept, especially the truth about Uncle Ning's death. I don't know if Xiaoyuan can withstand the blow...

This was destined to be a sleepless night. Lin Qingyue lay on the kang with his clothes closed, turned off the light and watched the moonlight pouring in through the window quietly. Rush out for a while.

Li Yuan solemnly put all the things on the table, making them neatly next to each other, but after a long time, he just stared at them instead of daring to open them.

What kind of shocking secret is hidden in it, which made everyone around him keep tight-lipped for 23 years?

When did you become so timid?Li Yuan?Isn't this what you've been looking forward to for a long time?

Li Yuan closed his eyes, forced himself to calm down, took a few deep breaths, picked up his father's diary and looked through it.

"On June 1975, 6, I met a man named Ning He. He was a freshman in the Department of Literature, a boy who was only 24 years old. For some reason, I suddenly felt a strange feeling in my heart. I tossed and turned at night, just wanting to see him again."

Li Yuan never knew that his father could be so romantic and affectionate, because in his memory, his father had always been such a cold and blunt man who gave all the rare warmth to his sister.

He continued to look down, and found that the front was full of bits and pieces of getting along with Ning He. In his words, he described the uncle as a talented boy with some romantic poetic temperament, a little cunning and elusive but And it makes people yearn for it.The father fell in love quickly, but for a man who had just begun to fall in love, the object of his crush was actually the same sex, which was extremely scary in those days.So the first few pages of the diary describe his father's conflicted and complicated mood at that time, but in the end, the desire for Ning He surpassed everything, and he couldn't hold back the throbbing in his heart anymore, because he also felt the other party's feelings. Friendship.

"On August 1976, 8, I finally got up the courage to confess to him. It was a hot afternoon, watching his thin back avoiding the sun, I secretly pulled him into the woods from behind, and saw him The same restless eyes gave me more courage. At that moment, my love gushed out, burning me like a fire, and he accepted me gently and told me that he also had me in his heart."

At that time, Li Weiran was like a crazy poet, completely lost his mind, and recorded the beautiful years between him and Ning He in slightly scribbled handwriting.It was a period of madness. Two young people who lost their reason because of love swayed their enthusiasm wantonly, kissing and kissing in places where no one can see, doing all the things that ordinary couples can do.

Li Yuan was surprised by the passion and unrestrainedness revealed in the text. He seemed to have traveled to that era through the simple black and white words, and saw a same-sex couple in love expressing love with their eyes and their bodies.That kind of enthusiasm infected Li Yuan, making his eye sockets slightly moist.In that era, homosexuality was such a dangerous thing that once it was discovered, it would face ruin.Several times, they almost escaped the suspicious eyes of everyone, but they withstood the test. In order to keep his father's future, Ning He chose to leave school to become a writer instead of continuing to study for graduate school. stay in this school.

They lived a small life like ordinary couples, and always called them brothers when faced with questions from neighbors. During the day, when his father was at work and Ning He was writing at home, he would prepare a table of steaming meals and wait for his lover to come back. .Their days are sweeter than ordinary couples, but at the same time they alienate all their classmates, colleagues, and friends, because that will expose their relationship.

Then, Li Yuan discovered that Aunt Lin Shulin's name appeared in the diary.They became the only friends of Uncle Ning and his father. As for the reason, his father only wrote in his diary very vaguely: Because of the common secret, we became friends with Lin and his wife, and Ning He finally had something to confide in. object, rather than buried in the desk all day.

As for what the secret was, my father didn't elaborate.

In 1980, just as he saw in the photos at home, they held a secret wedding, but the only witnesses and guests in the show were Lin Shulin and Aunt Lin.In this diary, my father couldn't hide the excitement in his heart, and poured all the beautiful and gorgeous words on the paper. On this day, they became a couple and were about to spend the rest of their lives hand in hand.

The next few pages are all bits and pieces of life, Li Yuan did not read carefully, but quickly flipped through.Turning to one of the articles in 1984, Li Yuan was shocked by a few bold characters marked with red pen——

In the early morning of September 9, Ning He was diagnosed by Ren'ai Hospital and was two months pregnant.

Pregnant, two months.

These four words exploded in Li Yuan's mind like an atomic bomb, causing him to lose his wits.The father's diary dispelled his other speculations. Uncle is a real man, how could he be pregnant!

Could it be that the common secret is that men can have children too?

His gaze swept to a few books aside, one of which was thicker, with only one word simply written on the cover: Jing.

He didn't understand the special meaning of this word, but his intuition told him that this word was inextricably linked with the secrets kept by the people around him, so he opened it and read it carefully.

But after a while, Li Yuan's body broke out in cold sweat, because the book records a special race called the Jing Clan, which has existed in China for thousands of years, and is distributed all over the country. , and the only special thing about this race is that both men and women can have children!

Li Yuan suddenly remembered that he had seen the word "Jing" at home, it was on the paperweight that his father often used, and the bottom of it was engraved with such a word.

Not just paperweights, it seems that this word can be seen on large and small objects in the home.At that time, he didn't think it had any special meaning, but thinking about it now, it was because of Ning He!

Could it be that Ning He is his and Li Xue's biological mother?

Li Yuan couldn't wait to turn his attention back to the diary, he didn't have time for himself to digest this shocking news, because there were two bigger secrets waiting for him to reveal: whether Ning He was the remaining sister brother, and why did he die.

His heart became more and more uneasy, and a horrifying guess gradually emerged in his mind: Judging from Li Xue's performance, she should know about this matter, and even has a certain impression of Ning He Yes, it proves that she lived with her uncle for a period of time when she was young, and only she knew nothing about him.

"On May 1985, 5, our daughter came into this world. I named her Li Xue, because she is so pure and lovely, like the first snow in early winter. She is the continuation of our life, witnessing our The love with Ning He, I will treat her like a pearl like a treasure, and protect her for the rest of my life."

Li Weiran used all the time of the rest of his life to testify to this sentence. He allowed Li Xue to be treated like a princess. As long as it was her request, no matter how excessive it was, he would try his best to satisfy it.Regarding this point, there were some small disagreements between him and Ning He. The other party always complained that he spoiled his daughter too much and spoiled her lawlessly.

"Ning He didn't know that I doted on Xiaoxue only because his blood flowed through her body."

what about me! ! !

Li Yuan almost yelled out these three words, if it was because of Ning He's blood that Li Xue got enough love, what about him?Isn't he...

He flicked back anxiously. He had read more than half of this thick diary, but the key content still hadn't revealed the tip of the iceberg.

Finally, he saw the news that Ning He was pregnant for the second time, which made him extremely excited. He finally confirmed his life experience. The uncle he had been calling for 23 years turned out to be the one who gave birth to him!

No wonder he felt an inexplicable sense of familiarity as long as he looked at Ning He's photo, as if he had been gently comforted by his uncle at some point in his arms. Thinking about it, it might be the memory of his fetus.

Ning He's second pregnancy made Li Weiran happy but at the same time fell into sorrow, because Ning He was not young at this time, even if it was a woman, giving birth at the age of 33 would be dangerous, let alone a man.To make matters worse, the medical conditions at that time were far less developed than they are now, and the reason why the population of the Jing clan is declining day by day is because of the extremely high death rate!

The father's words were full of deep worries. He seemed to have an ominous premonition, and he even said something like "If I could choose, I don't want this child to come into this world".

This sentence hurt Li Yuan greatly, even though he already knew that his father didn't love him, he didn't expect that even his own birth was not expected.

But there was only one thing that he couldn't choose.

Due to his eagerness, Li Yuan flipped through the pages faster, and accidentally flipped through two or three pages of the diary, and then he saw a blank space.

He felt very puzzled, logically speaking, this diary should not end so soon, because the first few pages were still talking about the scene of my uncle's second pregnancy.

Why did the father's narrative end suddenly?

Li Yuan held the two thin pieces of paper, and heard the "thumping" heartbeat.

His intuition told him that the answer he wanted to know was hidden in those two pieces of paper. There was a secret buried there for more than 20 years, but just a second before it was revealed, he was afraid.

He seems to be born with special abilities, and has a natural sensitivity to the occurrence of unknown things.At this moment, Li Yuan's mood is extremely tense, the hairs all over his body stand on end, even his breathing is a little short, this is not a good omen.

His fingers were trembling slightly, and when he let go, he turned a page, revealing the last entry of this diary.

"On December 1990, 12, one cold winter day, Ning He passed away. He took away the only light in my life, and the rest of my life was doomed to be suffering and burden. I was terrified all day long, and his thoughts always appeared in my mind. Look, I thought I could grow old forever, but I didn't expect to get only 12 years of day and night."

Seeing this, all the strength in Li Yuan's body was drained, the diary slipped from his hand and fell to the ground with a muffled sound.

1990 12 Month 12 Day.

—It was his birthday.

Suddenly, many images appeared in his mind like a kaleidoscope, and scenes from his childhood flashed past his eyes like a movie with the fast forward button pressed.There are answers to everything, but he would rather not know anything like before, so that his heart won't hurt so badly.

He finally understood why his father would look at him with such complicated eyes, why Li Xue always hesitated to speak, and why brother Lin had such a big reaction to He Shichen kissing him.

That's just because his birth killed his biological mother and turned his birthday into another person's memorial day.So he has never been able to eat cakes and blow out the candles in the expectant eyes of his parents like other children, because his birthday is the day that the whole family hates to mention.

His father didn't even mention his name in the diary. Ning He's death took away all his expectations for life, changed his temperament drastically, and made him depressed all day long. He could only spend the rest of his life thinking about Ning He.Li Yuan has no doubts, based on his love for Ning He, if it wasn't because Li Xue was still young and needed to be taken care of, his father would go with his uncle without hesitation.

And what about him?

He was superfluous, an unwanted child who brought disaster to the family.

Li Yuan, Li Yuan, many people have complained that this name is too deserted and it will make people feel distant.Thinking about it now, this might be his father's wish. If he hadn't been close to this home, how could Ning He have passed away?

Li Yuan had a splitting headache, he was lying on the kang with his head in pain, big beads of sweat slipped from his forehead, and there were also unstoppable tears flowing non-stop.

"Dad...Dad...Uncle..."

He called them repeatedly in his mouth, like a needle in his heart, constantly poking his atrium, causing him unbearable pain.

"sorry Sorry……"

"I have no idea……"

He became incoherent, and he knew in his heart that this was not his fault, this was something he could not choose, and if he could, he also did not want to be born into this family.But he couldn't control the self-blame and guilt in his heart, as if this was the only way to ease the pain a little.

"Dad, Mom, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry..."

The word "Mom" has been hidden in his heart for too long, how much he longed to throw himself into his mother's arms and enjoy her tender care like other children, but now he realizes that at the moment he was born, it It has become a luxury.

Li Yuan seemed to have entered an illusion. In an illusory world, a black river separated him from his family.On the other side of the river, there are harmonious and happy parents and sister, where flowers are surrounded, insects and birds are singing together, but on my side, the grass and trees are withered and yellow.He just stared blankly like this, watching them live happily, Ning He's influence became alive at this moment, much more beautiful than his appearance in the posthumous photos.

They are the real family, and I am just a disaster that accidentally landed, making this originally happy family into a mess.

Dreams and reality kept alternating in his mind, Li Yuan didn't know which world he was in.All night, he curled up, shivering slightly from the loneliness and sadness of the dream.He felt extremely cold, it was far more severe than the snow in deep winter, enough to freeze a person into ice cubes in an instant, but he couldn't find anything to keep him warm, so he could only let the cold wind erode and the frost engulfed him.

But his whole body was already drenched with sweat, and the thermal underwear inside was firmly attached to his skin, making him extremely uncomfortable. The nightmare and physical discomfort tormented him at the same time, and an abnormal blush appeared on his face.

When Lin Qingyue opened the door and came in, what he saw was this scene: Li Yuan's dress was exactly the same as last night, he just curled up like a shrimp on the kang with his clothes on, without a quilt or anything to protect him. Something to keep warm, his brows were tightly wrinkled together, looking very painful.

"Xiao Yuan! Xiao Yuan!" Lin Qingyue was startled suddenly, it seemed that the content in the diary had dealt a heavy blow to Li Yuan.He gently pushed Li Yuan, and found that Li Yuan didn't show any signs of waking up. Seeing his flushed face, he touched his forehead with his hand, and was immediately frightened by the heat coming from his palm.

"Xiaoyuan!! Xiaoyuan! Dad! Mom!!!" Li Yuan looked very bad, and he quickly called his parents for help.

The old couple of the Lin family were preparing breakfast in the kitchen. They hurried over after hearing their son's call. They didn't know what happened last night, and they showed surprise expressions when they saw Li Yuan.

"Why is Xiaoyuan here? You are..."

Uncle Lin's eyes immediately glanced at the pile of documents on the table, which he kept for more than 20 years, how could he not recognize them?

"Qingyue, did you tell him? How could you..." He blamed his son for being too reckless. Such a big matter should be discussed with them before making a decision. How could Li Yuan accept such a cruel fact all of a sudden?

"Dad, Mom, I don't have time to explain, Li Yuan is sick, we have to send him to the hospital as soon as possible!"

Only then did they notice Li Yuan's abnormality, and hurriedly helped him up, Lin Qingyue squatted down, carried Li Yuan on his back, and the family hurried to the hospital.

.............................................

This is the longest dream that Li Yuan has ever experienced. The dark world seems to have existed for a century, and when he opened his eyes again, he couldn't even see the things in front of him clearly.

It took a long time before his eyes came together and he could clearly see the snow-white ceiling.

He can't remember anything as if he has lost his memory, his mind is blank, and he will feel a sting when he tries to remember something.

"hiss……"

His temples throbbed violently, and the pain made his five senses tangle together.

His voice woke up Lin Qingyue who was resting on the chair, and he rushed over to check Li Yuan's situation.

"Xiao Yuan, are you feeling better?"

Li Yuan covered his head and asked with difficulty: "Brother Lin, where is this, here?"

"Hospital. You have been lying down for a day and a night." Lin Qingyue touched his forehead and found that the high fever had subsided a little. He poured a glass of warm water for Li Yuan and said, "Get up and drink some water, I will go down later. Help you make some porridge."

Hospital?

Li Yuan can't remember what happened in the middle at all, his memory seems to be broken chapters, unable to connect together.

There seemed to be something in his heart that made him feel very uncomfortable, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't remember it.

At this time, a little girl who looked like seven or eight years old suddenly opened the door of the ward and walked in bouncingly. She was carrying a small pink schoolbag, and her two braids were shaking happily with her steps: "Dad , Mom and I came to see you!"

This is a double ward, and next door lives a man who has just had an appendix operation. This child and the woman behind her should be his family.

dad?Mother?

These two titles completely awakened Li Yuan's memory, and the memories about his parents came to him like a flood, making him feel the feeling of being in hell again.

Lin Qingyue is such a sensitive and delicate person, he naturally knew that the little girl's words would bring back Li Yuan's painful memories, so he quickly put Li Yuan's head in his arms and said: "Xiao Yuan! Don't think about those things, it's not yours. wrong!"

"Brother Lin, I know, I know, but I can't control it..." Li Yuan hugged his head in pain, unable to get rid of the negative emotions in his mind.

"It's all in the past. My parents said that it was Uncle Ning's fate. I can't blame others!" Lin Qingyue regretted it a little. Maybe it was just like what his parents said, he didn't choose the right time to tell Li Yuan the truth. We should wait for him to grow up and mature, so that he will have more courage to resist the wind and rain.

"No, my dad, my dad...he hates me, he has been hating me!"

Li Yuan's roar shocked everyone in the ward, the family next door took a cautious look here, and then closed the isolation curtain.

"He hates me, hates me for taking my uncle's life! So he doesn't want to see me, he named me Li Yuan, because I shouldn't have come to this house in the first place!"

Pain and self-blame caused Li Yuan to fall into conflict. Lin Qingyue wanted to stop him from torturing himself, but found that the impact of this incident on Li Yuan was too great, causing him to lose control for a while.

What can make Li Yuan calm down?

He racked his brains to search for a solution, and finally, Li Yuan's words inspired him.

"No, you're wrong, he doesn't hate you! He has been using his own methods to protect you!" He grabbed Li Yuan's shoulder and interrupted him loudly.

Li Yuan opened his eyes wide, showing a shocked expression, and stared blankly at Lin Qingyue, "No, it's impossible, without me..."

"It's true..." Lin Qingyue wiped away his tears with a tissue, "Lie down and listen to me."

His words seemed to have a magical power, which made Li Yuan immediately stop his self-destructive behavior, and he lay down obediently like an obedient child, looking at Lin Qingyue with longing eyes washed by tears.

Lin Qingyue sat by the bed, looked back at him with gentle eyes and said, "Believe me, Uncle Li loves you no less than Li Xue in his heart, it's just...just because you and Uncle Ning look so much alike, It will arouse his thoughts, so sometimes, he dare not face you."

"Really?" Li Yuan was a little skeptical, because in his memory, his sister was the queen of the family, and he might not even be qualified to carry her shoes, so how dare he compare with Li Xue like this.

Lin Qingyue nodded, trying to dispel Li Yuan's doubts, "Your father asked everyone around you to keep this secret, just to prevent you from getting the same ending as Uncle Ning."

Li Yuan couldn't understand what he said, he eagerly grabbed Lin Qingyue's hand to know more, but the other party patted the back of his hand, motioning him to be quiet.

"It is precisely because he has known the secrets of his body since he was a child that Uncle Ning doesn't think he is a complete man. This makes him not reject same-sex love from the beginning, and finally..." Lin Qingyue Turned his face away, not daring to look at Li Yuan's injured expression.Many of these things were told to him by his parents, because when Uncle Ning passed away, he was still an ignorant child just like Li Xue.

"So, he wants to protect you and prevent you from becoming like this. He wants to train you to be a complete man, just like ordinary men, to marry a wife and have children instead of Tongning fall in love with a man like an uncle."

Li Yuan finally understood why his father forbade him to have any intimate behaviors with the same sex since he was a child. When he was in junior high school, it was just because one of his favorite students touched his cheek by accident, he made the other party Kicked out of the house.

His father even forbade him from having too many male friends, and encouraged him to actively associate with girls, and even revealed that he would not object even if he fell in love early.

It turned out that all his father did was to stop the possibility of him falling in love with a man.

"He is strict with you to make you strong. He ignores you to make you more independent. You once complained that he is patriarchal, but it is only because he feels that as a man, he needs to be more independent. What is important is spur and encouragement, not pampering."

Although his words made Li Yuan feel a little better, but he couldn't associate his father with the word "love", even though he did so much, it was indeed for his own safety.