sleep in your heart

When a person lives alone for too long, he gradually forgets what it feels like to be cared for.

You Zeyi stared blankly at Zheng Zhi, not knowing what expression to respond to.

"What?" Zheng Zhi looked at him inexplicably, "Is it still cold?"

"No." You Zeyi withdrew his gaze, stared at the taillight of the car in front, and said softly, "Thank you."

He really thanked Zheng Zhi, and even felt that if Zheng Zhi asked him anything at this time, even if it was too much, he would agree.

The moment he saw the other party appear just now, he seemed to be a refugee floating on a piece of wood at sea and finally saw the rescue ship.

He survived, just when he thought he was going to die.

Zheng Zhi glanced at the preoccupied You Zeyi, and felt that this person turned his life into a dark cloud.

The atmosphere in the car was a bit depressing, Zheng Zhi turned on the music casually, and coincidentally, the song "I once thought about it too" was actually played.

You Zeyi said: "Do you know that Ning Lu is dead."

The car in front suddenly slowed down, Zheng Zhi slammed on the brakes and almost hit it.

You Zeyi was taken aback, Zheng Zhi looked at him apologetically: "Are you all right?"

"It's all right."

"What do you think happened to Ning Lu?" Zheng Zhi frowned, trying hard to recall what Ning Lu looked like.

Wearing a school uniform, he is fair and handsome, and very thin. Other than that, Zheng Zhi doesn't have much impression of him.

"Dead." When You Zeyi said these two words, it was like throwing two stones on the water surface, which stirred up the waves hidden under the water surface.

Zheng Zhi looked ahead, holding the steering wheel: "Why... nothing?"

"Suicide." You Zeyi's voice sounded calm, but his eyes darkened, "I only found out after the college entrance examination that he left me a letter."

When they were teenagers, everyone felt that the future would be long, and that the pain was only life and separation because they could not meet death.

At that time, they were blindly optimistic, and they didn't know that after the farewell, it might be the end of the world forever.

"Do you still remember that he suddenly dropped out of school a few months before the college entrance examination?"

Zheng Zhi remembers it, but he can't remember the exact time. At that time, his heart was only studying and choosing one thing, so he didn't have the energy to distribute it to others.

"He committed suicide shortly after he dropped out of school," You Zeyi said, "Depression."

The word depression sometimes sounds ridiculous, because in modern society, many young people who pretend to be melancholy always like to put this hat on themselves, as if wearing this hat, they are more fashionable, but they have never Really understand what depression is.

It's scary, scary enough to take the life of a teenage boy.

"Depression?" Zheng Zhi couldn't believe it, "I usually see him as cheerful."

Although he didn't have much contact with him, Zheng Zhi remembered that whenever he saw Ning Lu, he seemed to be very relaxed, and the only times when he panicked was because You Zeyi was bullied and he came to ask for help.

Does someone like him suffer from depression?

"Pain doesn't necessarily have to be shown. Probably when a person gives all the smiling faces to the world but still doesn't get anything in return, he will really collapse." You Zeyi said, "Actually, we don't know him very well. , but he regards me as one of the few friends who can talk about his thoughts, but I failed to receive his message at that time, otherwise, he might not be like this."

"It's not your responsibility that he killed himself."

"It's really not my responsibility, but I still think that if I noticed the abnormality in him earlier, maybe I could have avoided all this from happening." You Zeyi closed his eyes for a while, "It's all over, it's pointless to discuss this. He mentioned this song in his letter to me."

Zheng Zhi suddenly understood why You chose to set this song as the ringtone of his mobile phone. If possible, he hoped that one day he could change it, just like taking off a tattered piece of clothing, and remove all the repressed and painful memories from his body. peeled off.

"He told me that he really couldn't love life and life because he liked the same sex, and he lived under the verbal insults of others almost every day, but he couldn't refute those who said foul language to him. , because once he rebuts, there will be a stronger tsunami waiting for him." You Zeyi grabbed the seat belt, gritted his teeth and said, "Do you still remember when I was..." He paused, and changed his words, "I was bullied because of that incident back then. I thought that was the limit, but compared with what Ning Lu encountered, it was nothing worth mentioning."

Zheng Zhi is unwilling to recall.

In the year he repeated his studies, when he thought about it later, he felt that all the days with You Zeyi were beautiful, but he always deliberately skipped over the time when the other party was bullied.

He actually regretted it, regretted that he was not strong enough at the time, and couldn't block all those injuries from the very beginning.

But now he can, he consciously can bear everything, and can make You Zeyi believe that he can rely on his shoulders.

"Actually, he must have been very tired by that time, and that incident was the last straw that broke the camel's back." You Zeyi smiled wryly, and then said in a nasal voice, "He said, one night for self-study, the teacher No, some boys stripped him naked in front of the whole class."

"In the classroom?" Zheng Zhi was extremely surprised, he had never heard of this.

"Well, when the teacher entered the classroom later, he was huddled in the corner of the last row with his clothes in his arms. He said in his letter, or in his suicide note, that moment was the end of the world for him."

How bad can a teenage boy be?

Zheng Zhi shook his head, feeling that the air in the car was a bit thin.

"All the malice stems from his sexual orientation. They pushed him into the swamp because he was gay and made no secret of his 'difference'." You Zeyi said, "His death is actually a A murder."

A person who smiles at everyone every day may not be really happy. Hidden in a seemingly relaxed body may be a bruised soul.

"When I received the letter, the college entrance examination just ended. This letter has been left in the mail room of our school for a long time, because I was not in school for two months, so I didn't receive it. The guard forgot it. If I hadn't gone back that day, I probably would never have known about it."

"You went back to school?" Zheng Zhi turned to look at him, "I couldn't contact you at that time."

You Ze nodded a little: "Auntie's house has changed numbers. I originally wanted to come back to find you after the exam, but after reading this letter, I suddenly felt that this is it."

"What do you mean?" The car had already driven into the gate of the community, and Zheng Zhi was looking for a parking space while waiting for the other party's answer.

You Zeyi said: "I don't want to be the next Ning Lu, and I don't want to make you... embarrassing."

Zheng Zhi felt a little dazed when he entered the house, he had received too much information that night, including Ning Lu's death, and You Zeyi's sudden confession.

But this confession was not the kind he wanted to hear, because the other party said: "Later, I became the next Ning Lu, and I became more and more determined not to drag others into the water."

You Zeyi said frankly that he was tempted by him in high school, but there are some things in life that you can do and some things you can't do, some people can love and some people can't.

Ning Lu is a lesson from the past, You Zeyi is as timid as a mouse.

"I……"

"Don't talk about it yet," Zheng Zhi entered the door and walked straight to the bathroom, "Take a shower first, or you'll catch a cold."

You Zeyi was cold all over, his face was pale and his lips were purple when he walked into the room.

In summer, even if it rains, it should not be like this, he thought, probably too many ghost-like memories were pulled out tonight, which is no different from being in hell.

Zheng Zhi turned on the water heater, found a clean bath towel and pajamas, took his suit jacket from You Zeyi, and said, "Go, I'll wait for you."

When You Ze took a shower, Zheng Zhi stood at the door holding his clothes.

He suddenly remembered that eight years ago, You Zeyi stayed at his house for the only time, and it was the same.

The other party was taking a bath inside, while he was distracted outside.

Hearing the sound of rushing water, Zheng Zhi was in a complicated mood. It stands to reason that he should be happy when You Ze revealed his feelings back then, but for some reason, the more the other party said it, the more sad he felt.

It seems that in the past few years, in his invisible world, You Zeyi's life has staged one tragedy after another.

Zheng Zhi always thinks that a man must have experienced something in order to be stronger and more responsible, but it is obvious that what You Zeyi has endured has exceeded the normal range of tolerance.

When studying abroad, Zheng Zhi had a hard time for a while. He printed out Nietzsche's sentence "What doesn't kill us makes us strong" and pasted it everywhere in the house.

Looking at it now, although You Zeyi was not physically killed, there is nothing more sorrowful than dying alone.

This person is already disheartened about life, how to warm him up is a very serious question.

Zheng Zhi began to worry that he, who had always been self-confident, began to doubt whether he had the ability to lead You Zeyi away from the world of tragedy.

The sound of water stopped, Zheng Zhi quickly walked away and sat down on the sofa.

When You Zeyi came out, he felt much more comfortable. He wiped the water from his hair and said to Zheng Zhi, "Do you want to wash?"

Zheng Zhi raised his hand to call him over, and the two sat on the sofa. Zheng Zhi asked, "Can you tell me what happened to you later?"

A drop of water landed on You Zeyi's pajama pants. He was wearing Zheng Zhi's pajamas, dark blue cotton, very comfortable.

He was silent for a long time, so long that Zheng Zhi was about to give up.

"Actually, it's nothing," You Zeyi said casually, "I was fired because I'm gay."

Then there was another long silence, and finally, Zheng Zhi hugged You Zeyi, and gently kissed his wet hair.

Zheng Zhi knew that a lot of things must have happened during this period. It is impossible for any school to expel a student just because he is gay, but he couldn't continue to ask because You Zeyi cried out in his arms.