we are all gay

I searched for dark private affairs at night when there was no sunlight.

In the wet bar at [-]:[-] in the middle of the night, I asked the boss how to find Lao Qu. The boss didn't answer me when he was drunk, and snored on the broken sofa in the bar.I ordered a cup and poured it, sat at the bar, and looked at the young adults in the smog.They were rich, and they wandered around while they had homes to call home.I'm an adult too, Old Qu said in the back kitchen of the bar.

When did that happen?Have to think about it.

It was like the days before graduation, when I was still working in bars.I dumped the adult milk-stained wine glasses and bottles into the sink, drowning them in the disinfectant-smelling tap water.A pair of hands squirmed behind me, and the owner of those hands was Lao Qu.

The boss who was staggering drunk kicked the door in and made a noise: "Meizi, why are you peeing in the men's room! Get out! Don't hinder the boss from peeing!" I slipped away without saying a word.

The whole bar is owned by the boss, and he can piss wherever he wants.This bar is a public restroom.I don't know which is more unclean, the boss's urine or the tap water with disinfectant, but I know that unclean things and rich people are a perfect match.

When I sneaked to the door, I heard the boss say "Don't play with children"; when I slipped out, I heard the old song say "She's an adult."

I'm an adult, I'm a suckling adult.As an adult, I sat at the bar from eleven o'clock in the middle of the night until four o'clock in the morning, and those rich people went home before I noticed the old songs on the other side of the bar.

It is said that four o'clock in the morning is the dividing line. Before four o'clock, it is uncomfortable to fall asleep; after four o'clock, it is uncomfortable to fall asleep.I am the latter, I don't know which kind of old song it is.Old Qu's tie loosened, I think he should be very satisfied with the scum this night.He shouldn't be able to sleep or feel uncomfortable.

Lao Qu also noticed me, he smiled contentedly, and with a twist of two fingers, he threw the cigarette butt into the wine glass in front of him, which is his usual technique.He is used to being gentle, he is used to scum; he is used to waste, but he is not used to pity.

Lao Qu touched his suit, took out his mobile phone and opened it.I started to be curious, Lao Qu doesn't play with his mobile phone, and he has been to the bar so many times, but he has never seen his mobile phone.I remember a coquettish adult asked him for WeChat, and Lao Qu said he didn't have it.It seems that he didn't bring it, but he just didn't play.

Lao Qu seems to always know what to do and where to do. He is like a king in his own kingdom, making laws and regulations for what he can do and what he can do.Now this king did something he didn't do, he was looking at his phone.

He put the phone on the bar table, pushed it lightly on the table, and the phone slid in front of me.Lao Qu tapped the phone with his index finger, I lowered my head, pressed the screen-on button with my index finger, and the screen turned on.Lao Qu didn't set a password?This is a king with no sense of security.

On the phone screen is the WeChat interface.A cat head said: "If you don't come, I'm going to snow." Four hours later, a rhino head replied: "Huh?" The cat head said: "If you don't come, I will be in the snow in winter It's crackling. It's freezing, it's frozen like a meat popsicle, and when you kick it into ice scum, it makes a crackling sound. That's probably what it means."

Six hours later, the head of the rhino replied: "Yeah." The head of the cat said: "If you don't come, I will have hail. I will have an earthquake. I will have a tsunami. I will hit the earth." The head of the rhino did not reply.

The time was July [-] last year.I don't know what the head of the rhinoceros is, but there are two small black dots on the head of the cat.That's eleven.

Where was I last July?By the way, I graduated.And where did I go?After drinking too much, I was admitted to the hospital with a shoulder injury - that's what the fat man and the young master told me when I woke up in the hospital.

I did drink like crazy, I did have a headache, I did hurt my back shoulder, and I did believe it.I don't know how long I lived in the hospital. In those days, I only ate and slept.I seem to remember that the fat man said that he lived for more than a month.

I haven't had time to ask what is the relationship between Lao Qu and Eleven, so I don't know how to ask.On the other side of the bar, Lao Qu looked at me and said, "If you want to know what happened, come to me anytime."

what happened?Why did Lao Qu want me to find him?What is the relationship between rhino and eleven?I don't know, I can't think of anything, I can't even piece together the pieces that seem real.

I didn't speak, and I didn't touch the phone.I picked up the cup and poured it down, but it didn't pour, so I got up and left.The boss's wine was not good, it was watered down.

It was already 03:30 in the morning when I returned to Suzhou from a business trip in Shanghai and arrived at my place of residence.

When I got out of the taxi, my stomach was so hungry that I felt colic as if I had been wrung a few times.I folded my arms and pressed against my stomach, pressing my stomach hard to make myself feel better.I half hunched over and wandered downstairs where I lived.There was no one on the street, and a few street lamps were dimly lit.

I have passed the dumpling casserole beef noodles, past the supermarket fast food Malatang, but none of the stores are open.I looked at my shadow on the ground like a tramp.

After walking for some time, I finally found a 24-hour convenience store.On the opposite side of the road.I looked at the convenience store two streets away and stopped.To go to that convenience store, I have to walk a long way, cross the zebra crossing and go around. I know that I am too uncomfortable to go around.

I just bowed my waist and looked at the convenience store, looking at it, and suddenly cried.That kind of crying that came suddenly, the expressions on the faces couldn't be synchronized, and the tears fell to the ground without blinking.

I heard the person in my head say, "I miss the wetie."

I wish I could find something to eat no matter how late I go back. I don’t have to suffer from stomach cramps and have to find something to eat in the middle of the night. I don’t have to climb upstairs hungry because I’m worried that I won’t be able to walk to the convenience store across the road. I was reluctant to throw away the expired milk in the refrigerator.

I didn't pass it in the end, but I was too uncomfortable to walk.I leaned against the wall and lit a cigarette.Take a sip, spit it out, and look at the convenience store across the road; take another sip, spit it out, and look at the convenience store; take another sip, take a look, and I saw Mr. Zhu.

Mr. Zhu was wearing a navy blue shirt with a coquettish rose embroidered on his chest.I chose this shirt for him and it fits him perfectly.It fit him well.The current Mr. Zhu looks like a tramp in fine clothes.

Before Mr. Zhu could speak, I said, "I went to the bar."

When I was talking, I looked down at the ground and didn't look at Mr. Zhu.Mr. Zhu used to always say that I can't lie; when he said I was lying, his eyes, tone and movements were all clamoring "I'm lying, I'm lying"; when he said that my acting skills were too bad, he could see through it at a glance.But I know that Mr. Zhu can't see through.

I know that every look, tone and movement of mine is screaming "I'm lying", but I also know that Mr. Zhu will see this.Mr. Zhu would take these as signs that I was lying, so I told him the truth with a lie, and he accepted my lie with a triumphant smile.I'm good at lying, and he thinks I've screwed up when I play it so well.

I think Mr. Chu doesn't understand my play.I don't think Mr. Zhu understands me either.So I once again showed my proficient acting skills in front of him.I don't look at him because I'm not lying and I don't want him to think I'm lying.

Mr. Zhu said: "Meizi, I know. Meizi, I'm sorry, I have located your phone."

I said, "I met Lao Qu."

I didn't look at Mr. Zhu, I still looked down at the ground.I knew he had located my phone, and I charged it and turned it on before I went to the bar.I didn't dare to look at him, because I didn't lie, and I was afraid that he would mistake me for lying.

I don't know why I said this, but Mr. Zhu doesn't know Lao Qu at all.Probably because Lao Qu is related to Shanghai, or because Lao Qu is also a man in his 40s, I just want Mr. Zhu to be angry.Because I don't like to hear I'm sorry, when someone says sorry, it must have done something bad to me.Most of it is still unknown to me.That sentence of sorry seems to say "I hurt you, I just hurt you, but I'm here to tell you now", which makes me feel that I owe it.

Mr. Zhu was silent for a while, I lowered my head, so I didn't know what his expression was.But from what Mr. Zhu said next, I probably guessed it.

With a trembling voice, Mr. Zhu said, "Meizi, I'm sorry for you. I located your cell phone that day. I knew you were upstairs, but I didn't go up.

He said he can give you a home, he said I can give you nothing.He said this to me and went upstairs.I just stood downstairs and watched him go upstairs.He didn't take the elevator, he took the stairs upstairs, and he walked very slowly.

I could hear the sound of leather shoes stepping on the steps, echoing in the corridor.The sound bound my legs like magic, and I couldn't walk or move.I was standing downstairs, and I felt like my legs had taken root on the ground.But I dare not go up.

I don’t know how long I stood there. I remember that the leaves of the sycamore tree next to the building were huge and covered most of the building. I remember that there were seven buildings in that building. I remembered counting the bright windows of that building floor by floor. , Then I saw someone upstairs about to jump off the building, so I called the police.The police came and there were more people, and the noise confused the sound of the leather shoes stepping on the steps that had been in my mind all the time, so I could move, and I fled.

I am afraid to see you.It was more than a month after I returned to Suzhou that I dared to call you. You didn't answer, but Bai Li answered, saying that you were injured and in the hospital.I said I want to see you, but he won't allow me.But I went anyway, I located your mobile phone and knew that you were in Renhe Hospital.But Baili won't let me see you..."

I didn't speak, I knew I didn't dare to look up.Because I screwed up what I'm good at.I didn't expect to get such a windfall.

I thought maybe Eleven had something to do with Lao Qu, but I didn't expect that Mr. Zhu had something to do with Lao Qu; what I didn't expect was that my hospitalization had something to do with Lao Qu.I didn't expect Mr. Zhu to know Lao Qu, nor did I expect Mr. Zhu to meet Fatty.But I know it hurts for a 180-jin fat man to beat someone up.

Now, my right shoulder hurts too.I remember Mr. Zhu's expression when he saw the scar on my right shoulder, but I misunderstood his expression.I thought it was "amazing", but it was "horrifying".Mr. Zhu is also terrified now.

I knew why he was terrified, he was confident and arrogant, everything he was confident and proud of became useless in front of Lao Qu.One word from Lao Qu tore away Mr. Zhu's self-confidence, exposing his vulnerable self-esteem under his confident appearance.

People's fragility cannot be concealed. I saw Mr. Zhu's self-confidence, and also saw the extremely fragile self-esteem that Mr. Zhu carefully protected.I saw it from the beginning, that's why I'm with him.

I felt that Mr. Zhu was crying because he was choking. Mr. Zhu said: "Meizi, do you know? When I saw you downstairs that day, I was really scared, and I don't know why. I saw you smiling Calling me, the sound of the leather shoes stepping on the steps came out of my head again. I didn't know what to do, I was too scared.

I never thought that you would come to Suzhou to find me. I didn't dare to look at you, so I went upstairs with my luggage. I was shaking all the time when I went upstairs.You said all the way that you want to come to Suzhou, work in Suzhou, and stay with me.Do you know, do you know how happy I am?Because you chose me, not him!At that time, I thought that I must treat you well, and I must treat you very, very well.

But I was also scared. You always said you were going back to Shanghai, and you said that Teacher Shan was very good. I was really scared.I'm afraid to lose you again.I've thought more than once about what I'd do if I got home one day and saw you in bed with another man.I thought, I would beat up the man or eunuch him, or close the door without saying a word and pretend not to know.But I really hated myself for not going up at that time, I especially hated myself for not doing so at that time.Meizi, I am sorry for you..."

Mr. Zhu cried.I bowed my head and didn't speak, I didn't know what to say.

Mr. Zhu is like a faucet whose valve has been removed, and the water in the faucet keeps rushing out.It reminds me of a bar kitchen faucet.I remember drinking too much with my classmates on the day of graduation, throwing up in the toilet, and somehow ran to the back kitchen, I think it was because I was more familiar with the back kitchen.I dumped my head down the sink like one of those milk-stained glasses and bottles, trying to get the hypochlorous acid tap water to kill the ethanol in my brain.

I don't know if Mr. Zhu's faucet has the fear of killing him, but I know that Mr. Zhu will never forget the sound of old curved leather shoes stepping on the steps.

Lao Qu not only exposed Mr. Zhu's fragile self-esteem, but also threw it on the ground like garbage and crushed it.Mr. Zhu held this shattered self-esteem in the palm of his hand, which was full of the smell of glue on the leather shoes.The leather shoes, Old Qu, must have been thrown away a long time ago. Old Qu has a cleanliness habit.But this handful of pride, Mr. Zhu still has to put it back in his arms.

Mr. Zhu didn't speak any more, he left.I didn't look up, but I heard the sound of sneakers hitting the ground.I finally understood why Mr. Zhu changed so much after he arrived in Suzhou, he became easy to compromise, became so indifferent, and became so ineffective.It turned out that I was that soldier.It turned out that I was even more of a fool.

I always thought that Mr. Zhu tolerated me because he loved me. I thought Mr. Zhu was nervous and jealous because he cared about me.In fact, Mr. Zhu didn’t tolerate me at all, he just didn’t want to hear the sound of leather shoes stepping on the steps; in fact, he wasn’t jealous, he was just afraid.

Maybe Mr. Zhu didn't like me that much at the beginning, so he chewed slowly.If you don't want to eat so much, you will chew slowly.

I still didn't look up, I was still thinking about whether to call the fat man, and my hand was burned by a cigarette.Mr. Zhu said the time for a cigarette.I finished smoking the cigarette in my hand, I twisted it with two fingers and put it in my pocket.Then I climbed upstairs, the shoe shelf was empty, one toothbrush was missing, and there were a few more drying racks in the closet.Mr. Zhu left, but what he took away was more like a trip.

I'm a naive adult and I'm out of the blue.

The author has something to say:

Dazai's nonsense:

The phrase "you will chew slowly if you don't like it that much" came to mind suddenly.