Thank you for these five years

We've had nothing to say since we talked that night. On November 2012, 11, I don't remember what happened. We talked very late that night again, very late.Tonight, we have confirmed each other.

"If you never betray, dependent life and death I will."

When we were about to go back to the dormitory after chatting, Little D sent me another invitation. This time, I didn't refuse.

At night, I slept with him on a small bed in his dormitory. [I don’t know why, the small bed of 0.9*2m, his 180+ big man, plus me, the two of them don’t feel very crowded. 】

We undressed and slept in only our underwear.Not long after laying down, little D slowly turned sideways and hugged me... The two people with zero experience never felt such deep pain for the first time, maybe the excitement covered up the pain.The sideways position is the first time we understand each other's posture.And the action is gentle.When it was over, we fell asleep like this.He hugged me, I held his hand and fell asleep.

Yep.That night we happened for the first time.My first time, and so was his.

Woke up the next morning and he was by my side.I turned my head, he was still asleep, his face was pressed against the pillow, his flesh was piled up, he looked very Q.I rested my pillow on his right hand and watched him quietly like this, feeling an unspeakable joy in my heart.Silently sent a message to talk about it, and recorded this matter secretly and openly.

After that day, our relationship began to become clearer.The daily chat has never stopped.From class to discussing teachers, then discussing the work of the student union, and then their own preferences and so on.Little D is a star fan and a fruit fan, and he recorded and sang, it sounds pretty good.I started to browse his Weibo, his QQ space, download his old photos and the songs he recorded on Sing Bar.Sometimes I would look at his old photos by myself, and then fall asleep listening to his songs.I want to know his past, although I didn't participate in it, but I would like to hear about his past.Listen to him talk about his love experience, listen to his story about online dating.I thought that with this understanding, I would go deeper into him.However, he rarely asked me about my past.

The original trajectory of college life has changed since the late autumn of 2012.What you don't know is still behind.

One night, after dinner, the two of us went to a milk tea shop near the school. Little D took the initiative to confess something to me: before he met me, he had an ambiguous chat with a boy on Weibo. The acquaintances attracted and joked with each other, and they hit it off very well, and they also had something in mind for each other, but they didn't say it clearly.Let's call this boy Fan.My appearance was indeed an accident, and our beginning was even more unexpected.

After listening to what little D said, I felt as if I had fallen into a swamp, my heart was sinking a little bit, and I wanted to struggle but felt that it was counterproductive.An inexplicable guilt came out of nowhere.In my opinion, this boy is innocent, and he, like me, ran towards his love when he was young.I just have the advantage of being close to the water, but I never knew of his existence.However, the feeling of guilt in my heart lingers, as if, I am a child who has done something wrong.

I told myself there was nothing I could do.This is what little D needs to deal with, and it can only be dealt with by him.

"Well, okay. You can handle this matter yourself. Both he and I need your choice."

I do not know what to say.I fell into the abyss of loss and hesitation for a while. I felt guilty, helpless, and selfish.

Life is still simple, we accompany each other, I also know that he must have chatted with Fan, I didn't ask too much how little D is doing, in fact, I dare not ask, I also have a little worry in my heart.However, life does not allow too long a delay in this matter.For us, there is also the matter of sails.Little D should give an answer.

However, this answer was unexpected: Little D expressed that he wanted to chase a girl.This girl, also in our student union, is called Meng.It's ridiculous and sad that the relationship between this girl and me is not bad.

I'm really, really messed up.The originally chaotic relationship became more complicated after learning of his response.

I know being gay is not easy, if he likes girls then I should let him go.Besides, I also knew during the chat before that little D once liked a girl, and liked it for a long time, but in the end they didn't get together.So, when he told me that he wanted to chase Meng, I was still willing to let him pursue it. After all, compared with me or Hefan, our road ahead is too difficult.I just asked him if Fan knew about it.

Life turns out to be more drama than drama.And my mood also experienced a period of ups and downs that I have never had before.

I've had a super embarrassing time since he started chasing moe.I want to be a middleman, to be his wingman chasing Mengmeng, and try my best to match them up.Sometimes I would accompany him after class and watch him fetch hot water for Meng, and occasionally I would buy food for lunch, and then I would ask Meng out, and the three of us would have dinner together... In my heart, I felt unbearably uncomfortable.You see, the boy you just fell in love with now you have to watch him treat another person well, the tenderness he gave you before you had time to hug him has already been transferred to another person.

Fortunately, this kind of day did not last long.It may be that Meng also has her own pride and defenses, and she didn't open herself to Xiao D immediately.Meng told Xiao D through a friend that if you want to chase me, please be prepared for a long-term battle, at least a year.After Xiao D heard about it, he was also unwilling to let go of his pride and patience, so he chose to give up.When Xiao D relayed Meng's words and his decision to me, I was actually a little more relaxed.Finally, I no longer have to play too many roles.For me, it was the hardest day.

On December 2012, 12, at that time, Xiao D had given up chasing cuteness.But on this day, me, Meng and Xiao D, because of the previous agreement, we went to Tianjin to play together.The three of us, who showed no signs of panic, each had our own concerns: Xiao D gave up on Meng and was willing to stay with me. I welcomed Xiao D in my heart and at the same time felt that Meng was quite innocent, but Meng still thought that if Xiao D could continue chasing, she would cut short Time promised him as soon as possible, but I didn't know that there was still such a relationship between me and Xiao D.I still remember that in a small shop in Tianjin’s Italian Style Street, the shop was full of small notes.We were drawn in, and the owner invited us all to write about it too.So, we wrote our own feelings, and when they were unprepared, we posted them in our favorite corners.

Later, Little D told me that what he wrote was "Stupid, I will stay with you".

However, in early December, I still remember that on December 12, he went to Changsha with his mother's business.Well, Fan is studying at university in Hunan.

I wondered in my heart whether little D would take the opportunity to meet Fan.Sure enough, I later found Fan's Weibo through Little D's Weibo.I saw that the two of them had posted similar Weibo content, and they had already revealed their whereabouts.At least, I know that in Changsha, Xiao D and Fan met.I thought that was the end of it, the abominable thing is that curiosity killed the cat, I was too perceptive, and accidentally discovered their respective trumpets.I saw their interaction through the trumpet, as well as their ambiguous Weibo and mutual @, as well as the attention and comments of a group of g friends.Are you jealous?of course.When I discovered these behaviors of little D, but never showed them to me, I finally understood what it means to be jealous.I also began to wonder, was Little D's promise to me at that time a joke?Or are we not really getting started?After all, the man in front of me is not the real him.

When I heard the news, I was very overwhelmed.On the one hand, I was wondering if it was bad for me like Little D, and if I was superfluous; on the other hand, I felt that these two people who met through the Internet would finally meet for them It is also a blessing.It's just the interaction of those trumpets, like a needle, stuck in my heart.

One night after Little D came back from Changsha, the two of us took a walk in the school playground.Little D told me the ins and outs of his relationship with Meng, and also explained clearly the relationship between him and Fan.We talked a lot that night.We talked about him and Meng, then about him and Fan, and finally about us.I don't remember how many laps we walked, and finally we sat down by the door frame of the football field, facing each other.

"So, what's your decision?"

"[Didn't speak, little D started crying]"

"So, it's not me, is it?"

"So, what is our time?" I asked

"I like you, I'm sorry." After saying this, Little D kissed me forcefully.Then ran away crying.

It's my turn to cry.Seeing his disappearing figure, I burst into tears.Unwillingness, hatred and great discomfort.My heart is extremely suffocated.I cried until the security guard came, then stood up holding the door frame, and walked back to the dormitory crying, shaking.

After that night, Little D deliberately avoided me.And when I couldn't lie down on the bed in the dormitory, I just cried when I thought of him.I started writing love letters.I am not reconciled, I need a why, and I also need to redeem.I started with great difficulty, and it was indeed so pale and chaotic, which was not what I wanted.I wish I could sort myself out and he could sort out his feelings.I want a clear and clear start.

It turns out that at this time, people's ability to choose words and make sentences will improve a lot.I have written many hypocritical words and sentences.I showed him my inner feelings, and I told him that I have fallen in love deeply, and I am not willing to call it quits like this.Instead, at your discretion, please, we can have a clear opening.

After two or three days, under the words of my roommate, Xiao D came to see me.

When he came to our dormitory, his roommate motioned him to go up.He climbed onto my bed, just looked at me simply, and simply advised me not to cry.However, the more this happened, the more I couldn't restrain myself.

After being comforted, little D didn't show up again, and he fled back home near the weekend.

It's Friday again, and that's December 12th.I bought a ticket and went to his city, listening to the songs he sang in the earphones along the way, and looking at his old photos and our rare group photos from time to time.

This weekend, I came to Little D's city for the first time.He showed up and greeted me.We found a hotel near his house and went crazy.

After stripping naked, they bit each other, the kiss on the lips seemed to be gnawed, and I also endured the pain in my body, and let us collide violently, the shaking speed was beyond the bed's tolerance, and we kept making noises, screaming in accordance with the rhythm. with.

In the process of sex, I was reticent, and Eason Chan's "Don't Talk" was playing on my phone.It was as if we were the last time.In fact, what I thought in my heart was that you really don't want me anymore.Do you really think he is better than me?You see, we have such a tacit understanding in bed.

Afterwards, this recklessness made us understand each other better.Little D is too cowardly and indecisive.He was afraid that Fan would be hurt, and he was also afraid that I would be hurt.He said that he told me that he might choose Fan because he felt that Fan needed more care than me after meeting him, or in other words, I was more independent than Fan, so the choice might hurt less.After escaping from the playground that night, he was still hesitating.However, he is so stupid.

The act of me coming over made him really feel my feelings and attitude.Afterwards, Little D expressed that he was willing to accompany me, and I was also willing to accept such company.Just the sails, always a minefield between us.I told him that he can transition slowly, but it must be resolved.And this matter, only little D can handle it. [Maybe this incident touched me so deeply that later on, I would start to rely on little D in all aspects.Chatting the night before, he said that he was a bit machismo, so I thought this kind of dependence would be the feeling he likes and wants]

On New Year's Day, I went to Little D's city again and spent our first New Year's Day together.Then it was decided to make our anniversary on this day.Later, at the beginning of the winter vacation at the end of the semester, I went to see him again.But this time, I made an agreement with him that he must deal with matters related to Fan as soon as possible.

I'm really tired. The past few months since I met Xiao D have been too ups and downs.So that I feel that I have grown up suddenly, especially the experience of love, I really feel a lot, a lot.