Thank you for these five years

On July 2018, 7, I sent a WeChat message to Little D, and I didn't want to be tortured by him anymore.From the day when he was treated indifferently until now, Xiao D has been cold, but the ticket circle is about the new life and new dynamics with the new couple.

I finally sent a paragraph to the past, begging to let go, I hope he can give it a happy.

Well, it's rare that he stopped being cowardly and gave us a definite answer to our relationship: live separately.

I deleted him. [Before, I was hesitant and unwilling to do this. My friends always wanted me to give them my mobile phone and delete all this person and chat records, but I stopped them.But this time, I deleted it myself, without hesitation]

One is different and two are wide, and each is happy.

2012年10月相识。2012年11月7日第一次□□，2018年5月27日分手，2018年7月5日删除对方。

After it was completely over, I actually didn't dare to.I dare not accept it, dare not face it.Even though I have done psychological construction, even though I know this may be a doomed ending, I am still too cowardly.I even spent money to restore the WeChat chat history, thinking that it might be better to block than delete.Later, realizing that it was futile, I gave up.

Thanks to the friends around me who are willing to accompany me, listen to my nagging, listen to my cry, and comfort me.

After that, I also dreamed countless times that I could return to him, but when I woke up, I thought it was too ridiculous.The reality is cruel. We started too badly and ended not decent enough.I can be thankful that the process is slightly better, but those days are gone.

Little D, I still lost you in the end.After all, I lost you.

We have known each other since the university campus, accompanied each other, and grew up together.We support each other. I have gone through the process of his purchasing agent from zero to one until now. He also accompanied me from school to graduation to finding a job and wandering in Beijing.We had the best years of each other, and also had the last worry-free love of youth.

I forgot that it was the first few weekends after we separated, I was sitting on the balcony.When the time came, I made a video call with my family as usual.While chatting, my mother suddenly asked about Xiao D.

"Hey, have you gone to play with little D recently? I didn't see you posting photos."

"Yes. It was posted earlier"

"Is the relationship between you two okay? I had a dream that the two of you had conflicts"

"No, Mom. It's fine."

"Well, that's fine."

… Seeing that I was a little unhappy, the topic changed to my childhood.

My mother said that when I was a child, I couldn't stand being wronged the most, and would cry whenever I was wronged, so she tried not to let me be wronged.

My mother said that I was very obedient and reasonable when I was young.As long as I can speak clearly, I will not make a fuss if I understand.

My mother said that I was a wonderful child when I was a child. I could cook and do housework. Any girl who married me would be very happy.

……

When the phone was put down, tears came out of my eyes, and I cried bitterly.

Thinking that he had built a good enough psychological defense line, he was defeated in an instant.A few words from my mother let me know that I am not strong enough.I didn't expect my family to be so sensitive and concerned.I took little D home two or three times, and I went to little D's house many times.Perhaps, our family members have long regarded us as good friends forever, but we dare not be honest with them.Even now, I don't know how to tell it.

Originally, I thought that we can continue to grow, and when both of us have enough ability and are not afraid of the environment, we can join hands to come out and tell our family and friends around us that we can finally raise our heads and tell you that we have worked hard all the way. He is by my side the person I have decided to protect in my life.I even fantasized about our wedding: on a sea island, in a church, in front of a priest, we wear suits and shoes, we appear surrounded by friends, we exchange rings for each other to wear, we listen to the blessing saying With Yes, IDo...

After breaking up, I also made countless excuses, hated and scolded.All I can tell myself by now is that I have to accept it.Accept life as it is, and work to make it better.

I changed the name of Weibo to "Xia Mu is waiting for someone", and removed the part related to him.I'm telling our story here. When I update it intermittently, many friends encourage me under the comments.Sincerely, thank you very much.This may be one of the things to go through in life. Thank you for accompanying me all the way and allowing me to face it bravely.Some friends advised me not to write any more. Why bother to expose my scars like this? ——Well, to be honest, it is indeed uncomfortable, but for me, this is also a growth. I can already look directly at this relationship and the current result.

I have a Weibo friend who is now also my friend.She commented on me in one sentence - a sense of ritual.I am a person who pays special attention to the sense of ritual.

Yeah, I remember every important moment we had together, and I've been lovingly nurturing these bits and pieces of memories, weaving them into what I imagined love to be.However, I don't know what kind of memory these ritual moments will be for Xiao D?

What I suddenly realized was that the pain of that period was the ordeal of my life.And it was so uncomfortable at the time because I originally thought that we could cherish this beauty with each other, say goodbye and go our separate ways.But he didn't expect that at the last moment, he broke the memory, shattered it all over the place, and then turned around and left gracefully.Maybe it was unintentional or intentional, and I don’t know whether it will be sad or relieved after carrying it back, but the fact is that Xiao D didn’t take good care of this last journey, leaving me here alone to pick up the pieces, making me more like the one who made a mistake That's what tortured and saddened me, child of the matter.Now, I have used my scarred fingers and soaked blood to piece together the past and stick it together, trying to restore the beauty.Next, I will go out alone.

Although later in life, I will think of him many times.Whether it's daily work or going out with friends, some details always remind me of the past, but fortunately, I can restrain myself.Just remember it, that's all.

Once, a friend asked me, what if you and Little D meet again in the future?

It's not that I haven't thought about this question, but I've been avoiding it in my mind before, and I don't know how to answer it.

Now, I have the answer: No matter whether we meet again, no one can predict the future, but he let me understand what kind of status is not suitable for people.What I long for is the next person to hold hands, who can love bravely with me.We are mature and firm with each other, don't think about the past, and build the future together.

Thank you for teaching me to love.

Although the price is quite high, it is also a rare gift in my life.

Now, I have enrolled in a Japanese class and am studying Japanese hard, planning to pass the N1 exam.In addition, I also signed up for the tour guide qualification test. After all, I like to wander around, so why not turn my hobby into a side job.After that, I also thought about adding a musical skill to myself, learning to play the ukulele...

I hope that my future self will be strong enough to face the future with more initiative and confidence.Life is still very long, and I don't know who I will meet later. I hope that in the future, he will meet a better me, an interesting me who knows how to live.I am still the one who can go all out and devote myself to love.At that time, if he appears, of course I will take the initiative.I'll go up to him and say to him,

"Hi, my name is Xia Mu, can we be friends? Nice to meet you."