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need.Because I have already decided that this is the last time I will be with him.

I remember watching an old low-cost sci-fi movie on TV. Since the hero returned to the earth after a space flight, all the objects he saw became opposite existences, including what he saw when he looked in the mirror. the back of his head.Now on the journey of memory, I also meet my own back.

Could it be that my life is also like going through a space drift?Perhaps the answers I tried to find before were all hidden in the opposite world?

Like, what I have been afraid of losing all the time, but I never really owned it?I thought it was, the two wanted to be together because they were in love, wasn't it because they were able to be together in the end that they found out that they were in love?

I used to think that those memories are not important, what is important is the ones in front of me that must work hard to catch up.Catch up with all that has been missed, catch up with what is left, catch up with that which is still possible, that thing called love.Everyone's starting point begins to disappear slowly, as for the end point, it may not exist at all, or it may disappear at any time, or it may have passed without being noticed.

My end has already happened, but I am still like a wandering soul, walking in the wind and sand.

Finally, I understood that meeting that person in a dimly lit place was far less beautiful than an expected farewell.

Although we don't expect how in-depth topics we can have during such a dinner, the form of this reunion itself is far more meaningful than what it will be at that time.

★

As the space in the house was vacated little by little, and the useless memories accumulated in the past were removed one by one, the fatigue finally brought me an indescribable relief in my mood.

I wanted to deal with it a long time ago, but it has been delayed for so many years.Thinking of saying goodbye to all this, I am not sentimental, but have a kind of clarity that I have not seen in my life for a long time.

The little life records left in this old house are all from the last century.Being able to span a thousand-year alternation is something that only a very small number of people in human history can experience.Compared with a thousand-year journey of human beings, a small personal life journey is really too insignificant, isn't it?

Although human beings have a slight advantage in controlling the virus, they are still walking on thin ice. It is not known whether the opponent is just cunning to seek peace, or there may be another wave of earth-shattering mutants coming back.

the scene of living?It's just an adrenaline-induced illusion, perhaps applicable to kicking and kicking before drowning, or running as fast as a cannonball is about to drop.That reflex action of survival, in my opinion, has no noble revelation of the soul.

The death row inmates who suffered Ling Chi had no will to survive.When the only thing left that has not been snatched away is exactly the superfluous perception, the last thing this perception can do is to remove sitting and waiting for death from the options, and warn that before being completely manipulated by that cruel little thing, , Before I still have the ability to act and clear thinking, I must think about my exit.

Death has a wretched face, after sucking the blood of his defeated opponents, he always smacks his lips with relish.

Continuing to humiliate and crawl in its shadow won't earn any applause at the finish line.It would be the only dignity left in me to leave a human skeleton instead of the remnants of a diseased body.

The same kind who died silently in the dark in the early years, I will never forget the humbleness of sneaking away and not daring to disturb death when I said goodbye to them.Knowing each other that this is the last time, they dare not say anything, and even "goodbye" has become a white lie that needs to be avoided.I finally said the word "take care", and at the moment when I was about to walk out of the ward, I saw the same fear of being abandoned on each of their faces again and again.

I also saw my fate, sooner or later, if I didn't do something about it.

★

It's not that I haven't thought about doing it while my parents are still healthy.

Only because I am single and have nowhere to go, my sister and brother are happy to be free from responsibility.If I go first, my parents may have the opportunity to be a trapeze artist, living east and west across three continents, maybe they will feel quite comfortable, at least they can show off to everyone, it may not be a blessing to grow old.

As a result, I lived too long, and they had to live in Taipei with a gay son who was usually ashamed to mention it to people until they died of old age.

Then again, who can guarantee that when I leave, my parents will live the life in my beautiful blueprint instead of being sent to a nursing home?

My mother has been sick and sick for several years, and the notice of critical illness has been issued several times. One sister and younger brother rushed back from Australia and the other from the United States, but they were all false alarms.But the father walked neatly again, with a touchdown.Neither my younger brother nor my younger brother could catch up with the death of my parents.At the end of the day, is life more fulfilling with wives and children weeping by your side?I have no idea.I only know that raising soldiers for thousands of days may not be useful at the last moment.Notified on the overseas phone, the tone of the younger sister and younger brother unintentionally revealed suspicion brought about by the rule of thumb, as if it was not death that made fun of them, but me.

Before and after the two funerals, my younger sister and younger brother's family of eight stayed for ten days, which drove me equally crazy each time.

The two families are mighty and difficult to get together, and the voices that have been filling my ears are one after another, either my sister is arguing with her son over various sesame and mung bean matters, or it is my brother's pampered daughter, who is starting from scratch. In the end, she was pouting and getting emotional, so her father had to coax her to eat and sleep with a pleasant and sweet tone.The quiet mourning that should have been in the mourning turned into their yelling all day long (and it was in English!).Not only did they have opinions on each of my arrangements, but they also added a comment "If this is in the United States..." and "If this is in Australia..." after each opinion for emphasis.For them, this trip seems not to be a memorial and farewell, but more like a survey, to see what materials are left in the ruins, and to make sure that the past that was once abandoned by them will be reborn in the future. Don't harass them either.Except during the cremation, when I saw their eyes moisten and muttering to themselves, the rest of the time, I felt like I was busy greeting tourists on vacation those days.

Can they be blamed?Since the day they formed a new family, this hometown that they relied on and protected them has long been cut off from their lives.

There is only divorce and alimony lawsuits in the world, and there is no law that can force children to pay before they leave home. Not only does the law allow spouses to be the first choice to replace parents, but even religion also loves to participate.And that boring quiz, which one do you save first when your mother and wife fall into the water at the same time?I still don't understand what the point of this question is.

But heterosexuals seem to be very fond of this kind of demarcation.The only reason why they can appear so righteous is that they will continue to have a bunch of children like them and will always have the advantage of the majority, so their power will only grow stronger.Just looking at the number of books published in the world, you can see that the topics of how to be a parent and how to make a happy marriage are definitely more popular than how to be a child.

For more than ten years, my life has nothing to do with the aforementioned two types of best-selling themes.

If I could write a book, I think the topic I can talk about is, "How do middle-aged single children arrange their lives after their parents leave?" or "How do middle-aged single gays end their love?"...

Which is more likely to become a bestseller?

The spirit of all things, to put it bluntly, is just a species that is extremely insecure.

There are no sharp claws and sharp teeth, no wings to fly high, nothing to climb or gallop, even bacteria have the vocation to maintain the equality of all beings on the earth, what is the vocation of human beings?

Because of the crude equipment of the physical body, there is always no sense of security, and the natural phenomena of heaven and earth can never be as calm as other species, and they will arise and perish accordingly, so they are suspicious, which is called rationality.

Rationality organizes the family society and forms the only weapon against existential fear.Animals only fight for food and mating. Have you ever seen them plot and suspect each other? While trying to survive, they don’t forget to destroy each other.

Only the struggle between human beings never stops all the time.

Even when a small kingdom belonging to humans is finally established, it is still not satisfied with it, and wants to last forever.Reproduction is no longer a biological instinct, but has become an extremely complicated structure of accomplices. Humans have become the only virus that knows how to use this as an excuse to destroy other species and nature on a large scale.

Yes, they are all viruses.

Once the ambition of the virus is started, it will be endless. Humans and viruses are the closest blood relatives.

In order to bury this fact, human beings can only step up and produce more waste.Infinite desire is the powerful engine of this waste making machine.Do we really need more SUVs and all you can eat?More TV channels, the same 24 hours a day, who really has time to watch every program?Need to keep adding friends on Facebook endlessly?Need more porn and kinky pics?

On the other hand, my living condition is not only farther and farther away from my contemporaries, but also closer to the human beings who survived wars, plagues, poverty, and superstition in the Middle Ages.Light a small candle in the dark, try to cook some folk remedies from time to time, and believe in any secret method that may make the virus relax.

When the desire to live is developed to the extreme, then mankind will only have a more brilliant morbid interest in developing the desire to die.I've even smelled the sticky, sweet smell left behind by such desires running secretly.

I can't bring myself to wait until that day.

I cannot allow my actions to be labeled a vulgar disease of civilization.

No, what I'm trying to accomplish is not suicide.

It should be said that it is more like a self-rescue to carry forward the concept of environmental protection.

I just learned how to recycle myself one step ahead of everyone else.

★

What I saved for last was my collection of records and cassettes.

Cassette recorders back then had a double-cassette recording function. In order to save money, I was busy making my own copies of the cassettes I borrowed from my classmates many nights in college.Those memories all came back.In the box of each volume, there is also a list of song titles with my neat handwriting.If there is no digital download, I must still be doing the same copying work day and night for the next few years, right?Then there won't be the loneliness and unbearable later, right?No time to waste in nightclubs and saunas, right?

I even forgot that I had spent so much time transcribing my favorite songs into homemade gifts for others. "Straightforward Music Collection"?Yes, that's my handwriting too.

The world of the boy who would give these cassettes such ridiculous names must still be free from desires, right?

Why are there so many volumes of "Zhizhi Musical Collection" not sent out?Who was it originally recorded for?

The short ambiguities that ended without a problem before the CD era were all hidden in these cassettes.

Flipping through the tracks written by myself, I couldn't help but laugh.Some song titles are already unfamiliar, and it is difficult to pursue those ambiguous objects.Use this rotten stalk to test the other party, and replace the love letter with a cassette tape. It belongs to the lonely mind of the handmade age. If you look forward to it with such sincerity, the other party can compare your heart.

In the dead of night, still not sleepy, after much consideration, I decided to listen to my singing in my twenties one last time before throwing away the cassettes.

Cassette recorder, an antique that has been lost for a long time, even lost its place in my hometown, so I had to dig out the palm-sized gadget called the Walkman from the bag of stationery garbage, and exchanged it. Install new batteries.When the cassette started to spin, I didn't expect the corners of my eyes to feel hot.

No, it's not because I heard my singing voice that I didn't have to polish back then, but I was surprised that these old things that I should have thought of as tatters and swept out, they were so loyal to fulfill their duties, guarding the voice on the film.

At the age of 25, with such a clean voice, I would not believe what I said at the time. In the end, I will be in the situation I am now.In the past few years, I can only comfort myself. Even without this unspeakable disease, I may not be able to find someone who will be with me forever.

The same self-hypnosis is very annoying after listening to it for a long time, and what is even more annoying is that I can't think of other excuses.

The most alluring part of a voluntary exit is that you don't have to make excuses for lingering in the future.I even decided not to leave a suicide note.I can't find a reason to live, and I want to die so much?

In the first few years after receiving the latest drug treatment, the number of viruses was greatly reduced, and the weight began to recover. I also had a new attitude of gratitude to God and the preciousness of life, eating and resting normally, exercising, and even having psychological counseling With the encouragement of my teacher, I went to a dating site to try to date someone again.

The few people who had shown interest, after hearing me coming out of the closet again and admitting that I was a carrier with difficulty, some of them immediately changed their expressions, and some might leave a very polite message the next day , Say sorry to me.

There were also those who angrily scolded me on the spot why they didn’t talk about it in the first place, and several of them once told me that it’s okay, he doesn’t mind, and they should make friends first.

Then one day the latter finally found out that he was not as progressive and enlightened as he imagined (or he just met someone else), so he told me in a tone of self-blame and pity that he had thought about it, and he felt that there was no way to continue, and then Going on will only hurt me, because he can't bear the thought that maybe the two of us have no future, and I don't know when I will get sick. What he wants is a stable and long-term relationship...

The first time I heard such an explanation, I was still moved. When I heard the third person’s similar breakup confession, I was already laughing in my heart: Listen to you farting. When is the relationship of the year?

Then I learned to be good and started to take the initiative to leave messages to netizens who had disclosed that they were HIV positive. As a result, several of them not only did not feel sorry for each other, but asked in a sour tone, why do I think he must associate with another HIV positive person?Could it be that he can only associate with the carrier?

Yeah yeah I'm one of those black sheep who can't get over my self-shaming.

Okay, okay, just continue to wait for that person who has a soft spot for AIDS patients to come to your door——

What can you say in the face of this persecuted paranoid?

I never expected that it would not be logical for two AIDS patients to fall in love.What I hear over and over again is the same fear. Everyone wants to be "long-term", and they all yearn for "getting old together". Willing to face the truth that life is full of risks.

Is it true that if you say you are not sick, you are not sick?

Don't we need to take care of the other half who is old, weak and sick?

Is it impossible to love without the consensus and acceptance of society?

These are people who would rather be loveless than accept their own imperfections.

Is love just formalin, used to soak their stillborn dreams?

Side A of the cassette was over, but I didn't notice it.

Turning off the Walkman, I was inexplicably upset, so I put all the cassettes into a cardboard box and sealed it with tape.

If you can't send it out, it's not rubbish.

The last thing I could do was pack them carefully and put them on the coffee table together with my parents' ashes urn.

★

There is nothing more graceful and deliberate than waiting to execute one's own death.

If we haven't seen each other for more than 20 years, I can't be unkempt. I even had my hair cut before we met.What I really care about is that if the newspaper writes about it as a dirty and crippled old man living alone, that’s why I will try to clean up my hometown first, and then make myself look refreshed, because chronic illness and world-weariness are another thing I desperately want Get rid of the stigma.I know too well that people are too lazy to think about this kind of thing, or afraid to think about it, so it's easy to believe that it's not normal for people to end up this way.That's just because they didn't find that it could be a calm and enjoyable process, as I did.

The calm and happy process will inevitably have small flaws. The designer cut off my bangs and sideburns on his own initiative. This is the only part of the process where I faked other people's hands. It was not as expected.Instead of making me look more energetic, the length of my short hair made my thin face look more rugged.Sitting in front of the big mirror in the hair salon, looking at my sagging and decaying face, I stared at it for a while, lost my mind.

Perhaps, this is the last time to take a good look at myself.

The figure in the mirror first showed a little uneasiness in his eyes, but then he looked back with a firm and expectant gaze.This kind of looking at each other makes me realize for the first time that we have been proud, happy, lonely, infatuated, smug, heartbroken... all those memorable moments in our life, we can't see our own faces.

I can never see my truest expression, is it a cruel joke specially designed by God for human beings?

I am always busy trying to figure out the meaning of other people's expressions, searching for what I see in other people's eyes. More often than not, I can face myself by assuming the eyes of others: Do I look decent?do i look attractiveDoes it look gay? ...

The man in the mirror, although his head was covered with gray hair and his complexion was gray, had a fearless look in his eyes that made me feel strange.For a few seconds, I was reluctant to say goodbye to him.

When meeting Yao, can I maintain the eyes I see in the mirror at this moment?

How am I going to remember this moment for myself?

①? Robert Redford (Robert Redford).

②? Namely Bob Dylan (BobDylan).