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To be able to remember all kinds of things in this life while alive is the afterlife I hope for.

—Camus, The Stranger

Towards the end of the summer vacation that year, we all suddenly disappeared for a few weeks apart.Yao went back to the central part because of his father's health problems.Ah Chong didn't know what he was busy with. Taking up TOEFL and GRE was probably an excuse. After losing control a few times, he didn't want to face me and Yao. Maybe it was the real reason.And the folk song finals are coming, I took advantage of the free time at that time to re-arrange the repertoire for the competition, and then temporarily gained some long-lost peace from practicing songs.

Looking back now, I didn't have any confidence in the chance of winning the game at that time, so why did I persist so much?That was a strength I never got back in later life.It's like a person paddling silently in the lonely and desolate water, not knowing whether the front is a vertical waterfall falling into a deep gully, or a paradise with lakes and mountains for fishing.Facing the increasingly fierce competition surrounded by masters, only a trance voice kept ringing in my ears: besides music, what else do you have?

According to the evaluation at the time, winning the championship was absolutely hopeless.However, among the winning albums released after each competition, in addition to the top three, there are some producers who have selected other sounds that they think have texture, and they will also be recorded in the album.The only thing I can fight for is this opportunity, so that I will have at least one more title of "record singer" when I sing in various places in the future, which is also a kind of guarantee for this job, allowing me to linger on for a few more years and continue to play my guitar sing my song.

The ambition back then was nothing more than that, but it doesn't mean I didn't want more.

In the future, Ah Chong will have his family business, and Yao will have his leadership charisma and connections. They all got tickets for the life potential group, but what about me?

A total of twelve entered the finals, and the boy who was studying in the Naval Academy has always been the favorite to win the championship.

Sure enough, the all-white uniform of the official school student had caught the audience's eyes even before he had even spoken on stage that day.Sven's face has a tall and straight figure and a valiant momentum. His natural singing voice and the soldier's special sharp and hearty temperament have always made his popularity index far ahead of other college students who look frail and pale during the competition. When the hostess introduced him to the stage, she also clearly revealed her favoritism:

"Today Chen Wei is going to sing a song he created with his classmates, and his good classmate will also act as his piano accompanist... Wow, are all the boys in your school so handsome? Are the female classmates at the scene so handsome? Handsome?... I believe your screams will definitely make them have a more exciting performance today... Next, let us welcome these two handsome and talented boys with warm applause, and bring us their Sing——!"

The lights came on slowly, and he stood tall and white beside the bright black grand piano.First, he slowly took off the navy hat on his head, and then stretched out the hand that had been hidden behind his back, only to see a bright red rose blooming in his hand.

He gently placed the red flower and the white hat on the black piano cover, and the composition immediately became the focus of the stage.It can be seen that he has carefully designed these plots, and with the romance of an officer and gentleman, he has paved the way for the love song to be sung next.

After the accompanist exchanged an encouraging look with him, he sang the first line of the song, which is the only line I still remember: Our love does not need a name... The boy in front of the piano is dressed in the same clothes as his The white uniform of the same style, with neat and shiny hair in a small suit, will add a few words of harmony from time to time.

Their composure and seamless coordination amazed the audience. How could anyone expect that a shock like a plane crash is already brewing?

Before a third of the song was played, the smile on the hostess's face became stiff, and some people in the audience also started whispering to each other, whispering and interfering.Sitting in the waiting area backstage, I felt the urge to get up and run away at any time, but I couldn't take my eyes off it, unwilling to let go of the overwhelming scene in front of the stage.

The tempting scene, which was obviously envied in fantasy, was actually being staged in front of my eyes at this moment, but I was so surprised that I was dumbfounded.No matter how dull people are, they can see the clues. The two people on the stage stare at each other affectionately from time to time, which is definitely not the expression that buddies in the same robe will show.

My chest is like an ice field in Antarctica, a huge snow rock collapsed when the temperature rose.Amidst the threatening destruction, there is another kind of frightening and fascinating change.

The shame and uneasiness that felt like a heavy burden in my heart just a second ago was gently lifted up, and the heavy iceberg suddenly turned into a soft cloud amidst their singing.

But the next second I fell into a dark cloud again.

Why are they doing this?

The shock stifled the joy that should have been there.I can't imagine this couple (couldn't they?) be able to ignore the consequences of such a risk and make themselves public heretics.From the exchange of eyes between the two on the stage, I felt their presence of no one else, as if they were telling the people in the audience not to worry about them. The reason why they were able to let go of what they got was because they had discovered what was better.

But what is that?Why can't I see that "better" yet?I was afraid that other contestants around me would notice my strangeness, so my lower lip twitched uncontrollably, lest if I didn't pay attention, the tears held in my eyes would roll down.

I don't know when their singing ended, but I was awakened by the not-so-warm applause in the venue.

"Thank you Chen Wei for bringing this song... However, it's still quite strange for two boys to sing a love song. It seems that it should be more natural for a boy and a girl? Maybe the Naval Academy should also consider recruiting girls, don't you think?... ...Chen Wei, you probably don't have a girlfriend yet, do you?"

The hostess rounded things up bluntly, which seemed to me to be getting darker and darker.

I craned my neck to observe the reactions of the judges sitting in the audience.

A row of people first lowered their heads and pretended to be reading materials or writing comments, and then the well-known vocalist sitting in the chair in the middle suddenly raised his hand to signal to the host that the next contestant who was already at the side of the stage was about to play , and retreated behind the wing curtain.The chairman may not spend more than 1 minute talking with the other judges, but in that short 1 minute, my fate has changed since then.

"The accompanist joined the harmony, which violated the rules of the solo competition." The vocalist made a solemn statement to the audience.

After going through four months of trials and tribulations, the promising player chose to use this method as the final sprint. To some extent, I felt that he seemed to be laughing at the trepidation of all other players.For example, at the scene of a car accident, when they heard that the cause of the car crash was drunk driving, the crowd of onlookers felt regretful, but more or less secretly thought that this was what they deserved.

The ranking was announced, and Chen Wei was indeed defeated.

To my surprise, I got the runner-up.

Swallowing the panic and bitterness, and forcing myself to be calm, I felt extremely guilty when I received the trophy.

★

The trophy for the runner-up has been placed in a conspicuous position in the wine cabinet of the hometown by my mother for many years.

After removing the dusty trophy, I have no memory of the mood on the stage on the day of the competition.Maybe it was because I was too nervous.More likely, it was because I witnessed for the first time the reality that my kind was severely punished for expressing their identity.The triumphant smile that should have been there was replaced by worry that everyone would think I was so lucky to have this gift that fell from the sky.I am worried that if I accept this fate arrangement, the outside world will never see the fact that I have worked hard for my ideal.I'm more worried, in case, they also found my disguise.

Seeing my own kind being pulled up like weeds, I can do nothing but continue to seek cover.

I think of the student protests that many students of my generation participated in. In the square, they held hands and chanted slogans. With the help of the mass front, everyone looked so brave.In case they are caught and taken to the police station, there is no need to panic, and their parents will come forward to bail them back.After the disbandment of the movement, the vast majority of people went home to live their lives as usual, went on dates, watched movies and had sex, and in the end they still went step by step and completed their careers, starting families and having children.

I belonged to a revolutionary struggle that had neither the masses nor the media, nor the support of my family back then.I am afraid that the rest of my life will be more like an undercover spy. Not only will my parents have to keep their mouths shut, but one day I may never be able to go home again.

How unwilling I am, after all, this is not the life I thought I would have.

I envy those students who participated in the student movement and can talk about it for a lifetime. They don't know what it's like to fight alone.The kind of survival game where you are alone in jungle guerrilla warfare.What they remember is always the enthusiasm in the crowd. They can always have the choice to exit and return to the life with the blueprint drawn. No one really intends to die for a movement, or is willing to ruin their family.

I never thought of being a martyr, but now my family is ruined and my life is at stake.

But I will never be a hero.

I can't be as bold as Yao, mix into politics, and go straight to the core of power.There is no ammunition for Ah Chong to squander, and if the coup fails, he will retreat overseas.I only know that disaster is coming, and I can only move forward.The moment I came out and went on stage to complain—

No, it should have been earlier. From the day I saw the results of my screening report, I had already bid farewell to my parents in my heart.

I wrapped the trophy in newspaper and put it in a large black plastic garbage bag.

★

After the game, I met Ah Chong and Yao in the hall, whom I didn't expect to appear.Although I had repeatedly stated beforehand that I did not want anyone to watch my final performance, I was still so grateful that I squeezed out a short smile at that moment.The days when the three of us can get together may be numbered, and we all know this already.When I put away my stiff smile, the three of them immediately fell into aphasia, not knowing how to respond.

They must have seen it too.I'm obviously not the only one who suspects that cadets aren't being dropped for harmony fouls.In my memory, it was Yao Xian who broke the embarrassing silence, but only congratulated me repeatedly, and didn't want to talk about the competition. It was Ah Chong's constant complaints that opened up this topic.

"Don't you think this is scary? Shouldn't the judges be judging music? How could they just lose a contestant like this? This kind of black box method is too obvious. In the end, no one spoke? No one protested?"

"According to what you mean, do you want Xiao Zhong to be the one who took the lead in protesting? I think it's a foul, not so much conspiracy. Why is he the only one who doesn't use harmony? Isn't this intentional stepping on the line?"

"Yao Ruifeng, I'm very disappointed in you!"

Ah Chong still didn't let go of this debate, so I had to worry about when he would get too excited and blurt out something that both Yao and I couldn't resist.

"Persecution is persecution, and you still help them find a reason? Xiao Zhong, tell me! What do you think is the real reason for his failure?"

"We came to help Xiao Zhong cheer, but you didn't even say congratulations, you are really a good friend!"

Seeing that they were about to quarrel, I couldn't intervene, as if it was all my fault, which made me feel annoyed and embarrassed.But at this moment, a figure in white suddenly approached me. "Congratulations, Zhong Shuyuan, your performance today is really better than expected!"

Unexpectedly, it was Chen Wei who came to shake my hand with a smile on his face.

"I think the jury's over your—"

Before I finished speaking, Chen Wei made a sneering grimace and took the words: "It's all expected." He was not at all frustrated by losing the election, on the contrary, there was an unconcealable pride in his tone:

"It's okay to tell you. It doesn't matter to me whether I get a ranking or not. My real goal is to get me expelled from the school. I was forced by my father to go to the military academy. I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. Actually, I've been approached by record companies for a long time, but my military status has kept me from doing what I really want to do."

Chen Wei looked at the speechless three of us as he spoke, and there was even a look of flattery in his narrow eyes. It was unbelievable that this was the heroic figure I had remembered in the past few months. boys.

"I'm sure we'll meet again, bye!"

He winked at me with an expression of extraordinary pleasure.

Looking at the figure of that person leaving with his accompaniment, we, who were still in the aftermath of shock, all lowered our faces, no one made a sound, and moved slowly towards the door in silence.After leaving the performing arts hall, Yao, who had been walking at the end, suddenly stepped forward and grabbed my shoulder.

I stopped and turned to see Yao staring straight at my face, with worries and struggles in his eyes.I suddenly feel that he has become very strange.What I can’t and dare not forget for many years is the next thing he said to me in a rare excited tone——

"Look at him! What is he arrogant?! Xiao Zhong, be brave! Be confident! I believe in you. Have you heard? I believe in you. You have no reason not to believe in yourself. You will also release records in the future , you will be more successful than that guy, I have a hunch. Our road ahead is hard enough, don't worry about it anymore, okay? Just do what you believe in!"

our future.

That was the first time I heard such a statement from Yao.

It is better to share the same hatred than to make a confession. It is enough to have his words "our future path", and we finally don't have to continue to dodge in charades.

It is only after the events have passed that we realize that although we all suffered in the illusory feelings that summer, in fact there are still soft wings of love protecting us.Short-term twists and turns, little jealousy and loneliness, not greedy for more, thinking that love is the slight bitterness of coffee, speeding up the heartbeat, so that I can wake up and have boring dreams at night.

That was a luxury I would never have again in this lifetime.

Perhaps, that's why everyone drifted away afterwards.

Refusing any character to name us, we'll never be real, comrades in each other's lives.In the future, they can only go their own way, the way of survival lies in a single thought, and no one can recite the scriptures of others.

Let the classmates belong to the classmates, and the comrades belong to the comrades.

At least the three of us, not all of us, were scarred from the pursuit of love.

★

KISS Disco, located on the fourth floor of the long-demolished Zhongtai Hotel, is the starting point of the earliest nightlife.

Back then, idol stars from different record companies and levels appeared there almost every night.Perhaps it was Huang Yingying, Cugua Gao Lingfeng, who came here to eat after the show in Sun City, and entered the VIP room after a glimpse.Maybe it was Qiu Haizheng, Yi Nengjing and Fang Wenlin who had just released the film. Under the leadership of their boss Liu Wenzheng, they attracted a crowd of onlookers: Where is it?

Before retiring from the army, I signed a five-year contract with a top record company at the time. Brothers and sisters often invited everyone to KISS to celebrate their success because of their success in sales. I started to go out with the company's people to meet the world.There, I met Chen Wei who had already released two albums.After he was signed by the record company that hit Taiwan, he was packaged as a youthful dynamic school.In the future, no one will know that he actually has the ability to sing, leaving people with the impression that he is just a dead idol who has bright and trendy clothes, but has never been popular.

According to Chen Wei himself, the company hopes that he can become Taiwan's Kenji Sawada, a Japanese rock singer who dresses neutrally.However, I, who still followed the route of campus folk songs or western villages, was still belatedly aware that an imitation wind of the East had blown into the island.In the following years, Taiwan's Nakamori Akina appeared.Taiwan's Shibukaki Junior Team has appeared.Taiwan's...Taiwan's... This sentence will be repeated in all walks of life in the next 20 years.

At first, I was full of suspicion and rejection of such self-promotion (or self-deprecation?), until I saw Yao Ruifeng, who was elected as a "legislator" and entered the "Congress" for the first time, and was immediately dubbed "the laborer of the Legislative Yuan" by the media. Briford ①", a sudden epiphany.If you don’t want to be seen through, you need to replace yourself with another symbol, and replace the genuine one with a pirated one, so naturally you don’t have to worry about the boring question of who you are.Once the world accepts this statement and there is no objection, there is no question of cheating or not, and everything is collective.So when the first album came out, I accepted the company's arrangement safely and became "Taiwan's Bob Dylan ②".Without shame, abandoning checkpoints becomes a breeze.

The wonderful golden age when chickens and dogs ascended to heaven.

With the decline of folk songs, the restaurant show followed, and Chen Wei also started to run the show at the same time. Although it can only be regarded as a small card to warm up the show, it is surprising that Chen Wei can enjoy it so much.It is common for him to take a few small dancers with him, and come to dance after the show without even changing his clothes. He always greets friends enthusiastically, and hints to me in a very understanding tone: I will leave later, later There are other "friends" who will come over and introduce you.

It was many years later that I figured out why Chen Wei could sit on the godmother seat among our group, why he could always invite him to sit at the same table when he saw a handsome guy in the venue without blushing or beating his heart.From KISS to WHISKYA-GO-GO, from FUNKY to TEXOUND, where there is Chen Wei, there are handsome guys.Because Chen Wei has always been accompanied.Because he has nothing else to do but let everyone out and have a good time.The boy who accompanied him in the harmony during the competition did not expect that they would really be together for a lifetime.Xiao Zhong, despite the fact that there are many sisters in our line of work, it’s all fun, but work is more important.Don't you understand even if you want to kill him?Let them guess, unless the rape is in bed, understand?

To be a godmother is to have this kind of demeanor of a mother who respects the world, only watching but not doing.It's one thing to play a show outside, but it's another thing to live a normal life as a young couple.I have been read by him countless times in private, Xiao Zhong, don't always fall in love with the kind of people everyone wants to fall in love with, but I just can't listen to it, and I am always attracted to the same type of boys.The kind of guy who looks absent-minded, but radiates a cold light on the dance floor.From a bird's-eye view from a distance, it is easier to see that an unknown person is enjoying the vanity of being secretly coveted by others on the dance floor, because even he himself knows that he is good-looking, the kind that both men and women will find good-looking. A kind of jealous heartache.In the era when there were no identity labels, it would never be known whether such a man was of the same kind.The biggest difference between them and the handsome guys in gay nightclubs is that their details are unknown, and maybe they haven't even decided what they want.

I used to think that if I could get a lover like that, I would forget all the unhappiness I had before.

Surely you can get such a person.As long as I can be more promiscuous, more coquettish, and more proactive.As long as I dare, the opportunity is mine.Can't believe I can't get it.

It doesn't matter even if the other party has a famous flower.There are many players who say they have someone but change their partners at any time.This kind of person will make money if you sleep until you sleep, and everyone will be obsessed with it behind your back.

No matter how you look at this kind of person, there is someone's shadow.

At that time, the boss of the record company famously said: The more miserable the life is, the more stage we can play.That year, Coco Lee, Zhang Yu, Wang Leehom, and Wu Bai faced Andy Lau, Lu Fang, and Faye Wong who was still called Wang Jingwen in Hong Kong, and the battle was very lively.I am glad that my decision to step back from the screen was the right one.Because from then on, I no longer have to worry about my sexuality being exposed, but I can confidently write down heart songs for female singers, which I jokingly call "Ode to the Penis".

On the day Ah Chong's accident was reported, I entered the company early in the morning, stood in front of the fax machine, and waited for the returns from mid-cap and large-cap stocks.

At that time, he had retired behind the scenes for five years. Although he had the title of production manager, in fact he had to take care of everything big and small.It was my biggest worry at the time that I hadn't produced a record that would establish my reputation. I almost knelt down after haggling with the boss before finally agreeing to it. I made this album that was not mainstream in the market at that time. A resident female singer discovered by a big hotel, trying to create a Taiwanese KDLang who wants to test the water temperature of Taiwan's lace edge market.Who told the female singer who already had a large number of fans to be so unlucky to encounter a sneak shot incident at a lesbian bar and give up such a good throne?

In the conference room, I anxiously waited for the first day's battle situation, and uneasily flipped through the newspapers on the table.Usually the newspapers in the meeting room only keep the entertainment pages of various movies and dramas in the newspaper folder, but for some reason, the other pages were not taken away that day, and a thick stack was thrown on the chair without sorting.After the ban on newspapers was lifted, the time spent reading newspapers has gradually decreased. One of the reasons is that there are too many newspapers to read. More importantly, every time you read a newspaper, you feel shocking. Murder, kidnapping and ransom cases are particularly frequent, not to mention Political turmoil never stops.

The newspaper was overturned randomly, and then a headline suddenly came into view: "A well-known sports equipment brand was emptied of funds, and the loss reached 5000 million. The police locked Xiaokai on suspicion of seriousness."

Before reading the news carefully, Ding Chongguang's name flashed in his mind.

So, I'm not ignorant enough to think that I can hide the matter with Thomas from Chong for the rest of my life.Black King Kong has been ringing all day long, but not to congratulate the sales record on the first day of release (in fact, the record that sold miserably was the biggest failure of my music career, and Waterloo, which has never recovered), but to read Friends in the newspaper circle all came to inquire about the credibility of the news content.

And the call I've been waiting for has never come.It wasn't until after ten o'clock at night that I finally heard Yao's exhausted voice after campaigning for votes all day: Is it true what was published in the newspaper?

What do you want to know?

Why did he do this?He didn't know that he would be wanted in the future, and he might not be able to return to Taiwan for 20 years?

He did this for a man, maybe this is something you will never understand...

So you know that guy?

The hesitation at that moment cannot be answered, even after so many years, I still remember it clearly.If after a moment of hesitation I chose to tell the truth to Yao, would the second half of my life be a completely different situation?Without having to carry this secret, can I at least keep Yao as a friend?

I've seen it a few times.I don't know him well, I only know that he is ABC who grew up in the United States.

As a result, he blurted out such a lie.

Normally, this kind of thing is easy to spread in the circle, and it can only be blamed that Ah Chong has been deliberately not wanting to have an affair with the circle, and no one will tip him off.In those few years, he was very busy every day preparing to take over the family business, while Thomas, who came to Taiwan in the name of learning Chinese, had a lot of time every day. In this way, we dated for a year without telling Chong. Unbelievable.

When Thomas told me that Achong would not let him do it, I was secretly happy about it, thinking that after all, there are still things in this world that the boring Achong in my eyes cannot buy with money.At one time, self-confidence prevailed, thinking that they would break up sooner or later, until this year, they suddenly disappeared from Taiwan without warning.

How can I tell Yao the truth?Say I just don't believe Thomas didn't have real feelings for me?

On the night of the acquaintance, in the same box as FUNKY, the table on this side was Chen Wei's, and the table on the other side was Thomas who brought a few American friends to experience Asian gay culture.Foreigners in Taipei are popular everywhere, even bald and fat people still have a bunch of chickens that have never seen the world waiting to taste, not to mention that Thomas brought all the young boys that night, with tall waists and long legs. The dance floor became a god, and he never returned to the box after being surrounded by groups.Thomas, who was left alone, joined our table from theirs, quite naturally.

Chen Wei is not ashamed to speak broken English: You, nolover? Where from? USA? Japanese?

Finally unable to stand Chen Wei's parrot tongue, he laughed out loud: I can speak Chinese!

It's a typical ABC accent, and the mother tongue that I only speak at home seems to stay at a certain age, in my teens.That kind of Chinese is not for adults, making people feel that he doesn't know how to fortify, and he obediently answers every question Chen Wei asks: My boyfriend is very busy and doesn't like to come to this kind of place.He often goes abroad.He is going on a business trip to Europe this month.We met at Berkeley.He goes to study.He came back two years later with his MBA.His father must have him back.I love him very much, and I will come to live in Taiwan this year...

After the drink was over, several other guys at the same table also became interested in Thomas, and the questions were all about what kind of life people like us live on the other side of the world.Chen Wei leaned close to my ear and whispered: Why do you think he stays here with us all the time?

He pulls out his wallet and shows us pictures from his high school.I laughed.I can't remember how long it's been since I couldn't help laughing out loud before this.I also have a Chinese name, he said.Wang Tiexiong.It was taken by Grandpa, it’s so dirty, he wrinkled his nose and made faces with me while talking.

Tetsuo, is that Tetsuo from "Science Peter Pan"?

Seeing his bewildered expression, I realized that I was being sentimental.He is from California. He has no memory of growing up with me. He went to the kind of high school where you can comb your hair into a hedgehog and dye it pink without getting demerited. Clay's liberal leftist ethos.It's because of the first impression that they didn't interact with each other at that time, and because people in the circle only use code names when they come out to have fun, they don't need their real names and surnames. Who is his BF? There is a tacit understanding to give Thomas space—or, to put it another way, he also gives himself space.After all, whether there is a B has never been a taboo for everyone.

As a godmother, Chen Wei finally couldn't stand the waste of time without knowing the battle situation, and yelled at us to change places and go sing at night, Thomas, are you coming?

In those few years when Wu Bai was popular, everyone ordered a few of his fast songs, and the others danced and sang along, but I smoked half a pack of cigarettes restlessly.Finally, there was a lyrical song "Concern", Thomas suddenly handed a microphone in front of me: You haven't sung, how about singing together?

I never come to KTV to sing.Anyone who knows my profession will understand.Asking me to sing is as rude as asking a comedian to tell everyone a joke.It was the first time to be called to sing by someone. At that time, I made an exception and hesitated for a while, but still took the microphone.Thomas sang the first two lines, and when it was my turn, I looked at the lyrics typed on the subtitles, and for some reason, my whole mood swung into a black hole that hadn't appeared for a long time.

I don't want to see your wet eyes, I'm afraid I can't help hurting you, I'm afraid you will be sad... It's like this every time, when there are new products, everyone has to go through the same renewing knockout round until they feel hopeless One by one, they finally leave the stage willingly... I don't want to hear your lonely voice, lest I can't help but tell you my true feelings... How long will this kind of life last?How many married husbands have I eaten, and then they are all gone, isn't this one missing? ...

It was not without resistance.It's not that I don't know my weaknesses.Every time the guilt and the shame started to work together, my need to be loved would grow morbidly like firewood.

Finally, there is such a person, without the smell left by the obscene men in the crowded bus rubbing on his body, and will not remind me of the toilet paper covered with semen in the wet and dark sauna, and finally let me temporarily forget that year The khaki military training uniform on Yao’s body, as well as the faint smell of sweat and the pungent bleach in the swimming pool when I put my cheeks close together.Years later, I still remember that when he was close to me, what I smelled was the golden beer aroma from the skin baked by the sun for many years, and the breath between the lips and teeth with the smell of mint gum.

Even though I never believed in love at first sight.

Too many times, shaking our heads in the park in the sauna, we have already used the kind of eye contact that makes the sky thunder to stir the fire until we are tired.The lingering gaze is often a consolation prize given out because we understand each other's suffering too well. All the anxiety and embarrassment of waiting can only be compensated by mutual charity in the end.Once the other person's gaze becomes reserved and warm, instead of the rude and hungry one I'm used to, it makes me fall into vigilance and panic and want to escape.Seeing that I was holding the microphone and making no sound for a long time, Thomas on the side was stunned for a few seconds, so he had to continue singing by himself in embarrassment.While singing, he kept turning his face to look at me, and finally the chorus turned into a solo singing to me.

Putting down the microphone and saying sorry, I ignored the protests of others, and left the crowded and musty box alone. On the sidewalk outside the KTV, the crowds on the weekend night are no different from a few hours ago.Thinking that I am already 38 this year, and the past ten years have passed away like this, how come no one will stay for me?

Are you OK?

A deep voice, like hot fingertips, suddenly wrote an ulterior message on his back, and then cooled down, leaving only a trail of tears on his back like a long-lost reunion in a sea of ​​people.

But all it takes is the temperature of a palm.In the first half of her life, that rare care and dependence turned into a poison she couldn't quit.In the past, I was always unwilling to be reconciled to why I couldn't monopolize a complete relationship, and I tensed my nerves with all my strength, fearing that I would lose points and be compared, but I didn't know how badly this kind of years had damaged me.The moment Thomas stretched out his hand to grab my shoulder, I felt like a decaying house was about to collapse to the ground at any moment.

Can we stop asking for completeness?Can you stop asking the truth?Can it be regarded as this is the last period of this life, if it is possible to never let the other half of the other party know—?

I didn't look back right away.Willing to continue to face those who should know but don't want to know.

It turns out that facing away is the happiest.

I'm afraid that if I look back too soon, I may lose everything.

The letter Ah Chong sent from the United States in the autumn of 20 was his only and last news.There is no contact address, and there are only a few lines on the letter paper.Even though I crumpled it into waste paper immediately after reading it, the content of the letter has long been engraved in my heart. Twenty years later, I can still recite the original text verbatim at any time——

Little Chung:

I didn't expect you to treat me like this.He told me all about you and Thomas.

About four months ago Thomas found out he had AIDS.

You now know the real reason why I decided to go away with him.

After all, in Taiwan, not only did he not get the best treatment, but he also had to live under strange eyes forever.

I advise you to go for an examination as soon as possible.

Other than that, I have nothing to say to you.

★

I'm not sure how much Yao Ruifeng knows about what happened to me over the years.Although he mentioned that he has been listening to my songs, it does not mean that he is someone who pays attention to the movie version.Even if it does, my news is just an insignificant piece of residue between the teeth, and it is very likely that I will miss it if I don't pay attention.Expectations of him must be minimized. This is a lesson I have learned since 30 years ago.If he doesn't know about my illness, I don't think I need to take the initiative to bring it up and increase his psychological burden.Maybe he's going to have dinner with an AIDS patient and panic afterward?Or will he be compelled by conscience to greet me next? ...

These speculations are unnecessary