dating

I have each other, but I still can't get in, like a stray dog ​​who keeps wagging its tail at friendly passers-by.Maybe Yao Zeng secretly shook his head and sneered more than once: This greedy and ignorant guy, he doesn’t know that he has never been the object of my real desire. How come he hasn’t figured it out until now. I just need a substitute for practicing— —?

Then Ah Chong cried.

Probably since elementary school, I haven't seen a boy cry bitterly.That appearance is really more pitiful than a girl crying.The girl's crying was so desperate that I felt a hysterical sense of threat, and I definitely wanted to hand over a handkerchief (there were no small packets of tissues back then), hoping that she would stop.And boys—no, the tears of men, because they are rare, and because they seem so unskilled, people can't bear to disturb them.

Such sadness cannot be faked.I don't feel surprised, but happy.Fortunately, my patience all night was not in vain, he still had to confess the truth to me in the end.Like an emergency room doctor who must diagnose a patient's level of trauma, I told myself not to panic, and began to observe the changes in the other person's pain intently.

I didn't expect to be so calm.

If he is serious with Angela, I wish him the best... If possible, don't I want to talk about a relationship like everyone else? ... There is nothing wrong with being serious, but it is not enough to be serious, you must be brave——

The man choked out a string of broken sentences that reminded me of a drowning man struggling to swim back to shore.

I thought it was me who should cry.

I also fell into the water, and my swimming skills were so poor that I couldn't save anyone.

★

The so-called seriousness, I only realized after many years, it means different things to everyone.

For Yao, it has nothing to do with gain or loss, but a trade-off.

For Ah Chong, it is an absolute that cannot tolerate a single grain of sand.

And I always seem to be not serious when I should be serious, but serious when I should let go.

Every happiness has its price, and I've been trying to figure out how to calculate it.After all, we only hear about marriages between men and women.If waiting for a man is not considered a marriage or a family, can it at least be called a "fellow practitioner"?

In those years when information was so closed, we had no way of knowing that in [-] in a gay bar called Stonewall in New York, a conflict between humans and the police had already occurred.It is impossible to know that in San Francisco in [-], a man of my family who stood up bravely, wrote an epoch-making page and was elected a city councilman, was shot dead by haters afterwards.

In the summer of [-], we were still like people in the Stone Age who accidentally discovered how to make fire by drilling wood.And with just this little spark, many people like us decided to change their destiny.

As night fell, the tribe gathered in front of the cave, and everyone exchanged hesitant glances.The torch in his hand was so weak compared to the darkness and desolation around him.Without data reference, we can only make assumptions based on feelings.Whether change will be better is always an unknown adventure.

Some people stay, some people go on the road.Diaspora and migration, each formed a new tribe in a different settlement, danced different dances, and worshiped their own gods.

Some people decide to come out, and some people decide not to come out; some people come out but live a stable life, and some people come out but are scarred.There are many people who can't face being accused and would rather marry a wife and have children.There are more people who would rather fall in love again and again than be alone.All decisions, in the end, are not really choosing which kind of happiness, but more like choosing which kind of suffering they would rather suffer...

Back to the way Ah Chong sent me home that night.

When the car was speeding on the empty road, the question of what kind of pain I would rather suffer was like a bullet, and it shot into my chest.Facing the cool wind and rain pouring in from the rolled down car window, Ah Chong suddenly stepped up the gas pedal, stuck his head out of the car, and howled loudly all the way.I never knew he could be so unrestrained.

"You just don't know it," he said.

For those women who are difficult to control, men can always resort to the mask of moral judgment.It's sad to be kicked away after having sex with a woman, but a man can always vent his anger by calling a bitch a bitch.

However, when I was rejected by another man, the pain of disappointment was a deeper wound than that of a pure lovelorn—because this time it was not only ignored by the object of desire, but also by being ignored by the object of desire. The frustration of same-sex denial.All the certificates and vouchers I got in the heterosexual world, after entering this circle, those are all farts.

Although I am not an idol-type handsome guy, but from the attitude of girls towards me, I have always thought that my conditions are definitely not bad.I thought that such a result of the evaluation could also win me the favor of the same sex, but I don't know that in the eyes of men, there is no such way of scoring points.

No one is a bitch.Only Xun coffee who can't afford to lose.

A famous advertising saying back then, disillusionment is the beginning of growth, actually doesn’t apply to us.Because in this world, what other people think is true, like every law that can be explained, every oath about love, and all kinds of resources for getting married, starting a business, getting old, sick and dying, for us, it is more like seeing but touching. unreal illusion.Because those were never prepared for the minority like us.

It is disillusionment for heterosexuality, but it may be a breach in our cocoon.Our growth, in turn, depends on illusions that cannot be easily let go.In the disillusionment of others, we have to find another kind of reality, and vice versa.

No, not to bear, is the highest principle of our existence.

You must be able to bear it, and you must not be impatient when you should be ruthless.

Life has only just started, and I still don't know anything about love and desire, love and loneliness, but I have been forced to face limited options.As Chong, the eldest son and heir of a family business in this province, I later learned that his parents had already started looking for a suitable partner for him as early as that year.

And Yao, who has no family background but is ambitious, has sniffed out the political ups and downs of the time earlier than most of us college students who can only study.The undercurrent is raging, and the heroes of all parties are ready to move, secretly recruiting soldiers to build their own strength.On the eve of a political reshuffle, Yao managed to squeeze his way to the front row, and then the only choice he faced—or he had no choice—was marriage.

Because "that kind of person" is not worthy of love in Yao's mouth.

When I was 20 years old, I never thought about what would be the end of being more blind than "that kind of person".

The last century is drawing to a close step by step.In just a few years, fellow practitioners became comrades, evil sons filled the rivers and lakes, and new dojos with rainbow flags were opened one after another, announcing that the era of one ticket and one sex dream has come.

Youth does not last long, and the saying that the body and soul are one is reserved for the lover who does not know when he will appear.The same kind like fishing nets, dumped into the bar on the weekend, dying of lack of love, all of them fiercely slapped their fierce fish tails, kissing the pheromones full of gills, wet and fishy Pushing, wanting to flow together.Ah, so it could be like this!I heard that voice from adolescence exclaiming in such amazement and excitement...

Once upon a time, streaks of bright lightning suddenly appeared in the night sky, turning what was still night into a dazzling day.We were surprised, and at that moment, we couldn't help turning our heads towards the future sky.

I will always remember the terrified expressions we stared at at that time.