dating

Those unbelievable things are often encountered by lonely people.

- Sartre, TheNausea

Junior year is about to be promoted to senior year, the grades are always on the verge of passing, the subjects that I am not interested in have not improved at all, and I spend more time in clubs than in classrooms.I became a ghost population in school, only the midterm and final exams will definitely appear, and the rest of the time depends on the mood of the day.I never study at night, and I am busy running a few folk songs and western restaurants to sing.Insomnia has become a part of the regular schedule, and it is normal to not be able to get up in the morning class, so I just finished another semester in a mess.

The long summer vacation has just begun.

The year when British punk rock first came into being made the whole world crazy. On this subtropical island, in a city where the sunshine has not yet been polluted by the flying sand and black smoke caused by the excavation of the MRT, it is located on Minsheng East Road. Taiwan's first "McDonald's", in the summer of that year, put a George Boy's Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?Played and played.

The extremely strong air-conditioning turned the sun into a frosty mist, and the singing voice, which was as gorgeous as a ghost crying, split the air every sentence: Do you really want to hurt-hurt-me?The vocal cord still sounded like the embarrassment of the boy's voice change period, but it was unexpectedly full of psychedelic and sad smell.

I couldn't answer the boy's wailing, what the boy sang was my anxiety and bewilderment.

Always sleep until noon to get up.There is still a long gap before the evening resident singing. If you are not scheduled for the afternoon singing practice time, and you don’t want to stay at home and be nagged by your mother, you have to sit in the air-conditioned and brand-new “McDonald’s” by the window and stare at the street view .The economy is taking off, and these imported fast food restaurants have just begun to land in Taipei one after another. Each of them employs beautiful and smiling college students, and they have successfully penetrated into the lives of Taiwanese.At that time, when the international enterprises of foreign tobacco, foreign alcohol and imported cars had not made a big move, for a long time, we country bumpkins mistakenly thought that fast food represented the modern life of a progressive country.Especially watching the staff throw away the old French fries that have not been sold out within the time limit, it is even more impressive for the quality of fast food.We have to wait until a few years later when the martial law is lifted and tourist visas are opened for the first time, then we will learn the truth from tourists returning to Taiwan.McDonald's in the United States is nothing more than cheap rough food. Homeless people are used to lingering in the store, freshening up, going to the toilet or taking a rest.

I don't know the happiness that I don't know.

It's like the phrase fast food love will appear in who knows how many years.I don't know that the campus folk song trend is coming to an end, and the new wave movies will only be a flash in the pan.I don't know that in the next 30 years, the island will fall into endless political struggles, drowning in the clamoring saliva of the masses.In Taipei in the [-]s, the era of ignorance but self-indulgence was also as short as the dawn.

Although I have a faint feeling that the distance between this world and me is constantly expanding, on the surface I am no different from everyone else. I wear prodigal cream, wear high-waisted pants, and hang a Walkman. I am too young to squander.I have deceived a room full of trendy men and women of my age, and more importantly, I have also deceived myself: we gather here, because what is needed for youth preservation is a place like this-clean and bright, with a little luxury , a little admiration for the ocean.

★

That day, the first thing I saw was Ah Chong who turned around from the order counter with a tray.

That person transferred from the nature group to our social group class in the third year of high school. He couldn't be considered familiar with the classmates for a year, so naturally he hadn't contacted him after graduation.He was not much different from how he looked in high school, still dark and thin.Wearing a full suit on a hot day, it's hard for people not to notice.Then my gaze immediately shifted to the boy next to Ah Chong.The suit jacket he had taken off was clutched in one hand, and the stub of a cigarette was between the fingers of the other hand (yes, smoking was not banned everywhere in those days).The man had obvious knuckles in his fingers, and the veins and veins on the back of his broad hand were raised.Under the rolled up cuffs, the clear and winding blood vessels on the inside of the arm are like a tangled rope.Suddenly a signal came out in my head: I recognize this arm.

"Why are you here?" This is what Ah Chong said to me.

"So it was you." This is what I said to Yao.

"Xiao Zhong, long time no see."

"I almost didn't recognize you dressed like this."

Yao's acne scars have been greatly improved, and he changed into a pair of Ray-Ban's famous triangular gold-rimmed glasses, which look more bookish than before.When they came over and sat down at the same table, I realized why I didn't recognize Yao at first sight.It's not that the other person's appearance has really changed so much, but that my consciousness has skipped a needle.

In fact, before I recognized Ah Chong, my gaze originally stopped on a pair of boys in neat suits in front of the counter.

That pair of boys was actually Yao Ruifeng and Ding Chongguang.Originally, Yao was also wearing a suit jacket, but I was completely unaware when Yao took it off.At the moment when he stared at the backs of those two people, he disappeared out of thin air for a few seconds.A pair of male figures who are uniformly dressed and have similar body shapes have never made me dazzled without knowing it before...

Ah Chong explained that this attire was the rule for them to serve as reception staff in the "National Construction Council".

Hearing such an official term, I almost burst out laughing in surprise.

They stayed in the five-star hotel that was also called "Hyatt" that week, and the event finally ended in the afternoon.Ah Chong didn't notice my indifference at all, and his face was still very smug.Then he described the grand scale of the "National Construction Association" in this issue, how hard it is to receive two or three hundred foreign scholars, and how outstanding people from various schools are selected by the organizers to take on important tasks .

"Especially those school beauties who are like clouds, all of them are beautiful and intelligent." The man seemed to emphasize the tone of the last sentence intentionally.

The Tarot cards were really accurate. Not only did Yao get admitted to a first-class university, but he also studied in the Department of Economics and Engineering, which he didn't know would have a bright future in a few years.Ah Chongnian is from the International Trade Department at the same school as Yao.Searching from the impressions left by my classmates in the third year of high school, Ah Chong likes to spread out the newspaper when he has nothing to do after class, and likes to discuss current affairs with others. I am not surprised that he would be happy to contact government activities like the "National Construction Council", but—— Yao Ruifeng?

"You don't know that Ruifeng is the chairman of our school's congress?"

"The Federation?"

"Xiao Zhong, did you study in university?" Chong laughed because of my ignorance, "Student Representative Association, referred to as the Representative Association. Doesn't your school have such an organization?"

Oh probably.I answered absent-mindedly, and all I could think of was the student cadres who would come to contact me to attend the performance every time before the school held a party.In the university, they are keen on student union organization, and they will actively run for student representatives. In my impression, they are either law or political students. I can't associate them with Yao Ruifeng in my memory for a while.After reporting the current situation, the three of them couldn't find a suitable topic for a while, so Ah Chong obviously overestimated my current affairs knowledge and took the island's political news overview as a chat material——Jiang Jingguo's appointment is about to expire Alright, who do you think he will find as his deputy next year?It should be Sun Yunxuan, right?If the next "Vice President" is Sun Yunxuan, he will be the successor. The era of the Chiang Kai-shek is finally coming to an end. What do you think?

On the contrary, Yao didn't talk much at the side, until Ah Chong mentioned that he had published an article "Rethinking on the Formosa Island Incident" in the student newspaper "Newsletter of the Federation of Representatives", which aroused the school's high concern. Suddenly interrupted this topic, turned around and asked me what I was doing sitting here alone.

"It's nothing, just boring, come here to cool off." I said.

"It really hasn't changed at all."

"So you were very familiar with Ruifeng in high school?" Ah Chong asked.

"You look like a young talent now," I said.

"I don't look like I used to?"

Yao laughed.It wasn't until this moment that Yao finally showed the kind of straightforward smile I remembered.

Yao's change is obviously not just about his appearance. It's not surprising that he and the repeater in the first class of high school are twin brothers after entering the university.The outlines of the two are similar, but the elder brother looks more calm and confident than the younger brother.

The eyes of the two of them met for three more seconds, and I forgot who turned their eyes away first.Ah Chong on the side wanted to join the conversation again: "Isn't he like this when he was a freshman in high school? Then what is he like?"

Before I had time to strike up a conversation, Yao first congratulated me for entering the final of the Taiwan Campus Folk Song Competition, and then asked me if I was still singing there?I couldn't hide my surprise, and asked Yao how he knew about my recent situation.

"This is what the chairman of the Federation of Representatives is doing, please inquire about it," Yao said.

After a few sentences, my intuition sent another signal: Yao's calm seemed to be trying to cover up.cover up what?Are you unhappy?Still impatient?Where did the indifference when we met at the school celebration garden party go? "Listen to his nonsense, what's the point of inquiring!" Ah Chong finally got the right to speak, "Because Ruifeng and his son also participated, but they didn't make it to the final."

"It's already an ex-girlfriend." Yao said.

"It can't be the one I saw at the garden party in the third year of high school?"

"Of course not," Yao shook his head while putting out his cigarette, "Ding Chongguang, thank you for your big mouth, why didn't you see you and go get a fuck?"

"Hey Ruifeng, this is the price of being buddies with you! Didn't you take them away first? How could you still have the opportunity for me?"

Ah Chong, who called Ruifeng on the left and Ruifeng on the right, sat beside Yao. Although he was wearing the same shirt and tie, he looked like a fake of Yao.

"He was very caring when he was a freshman in high school. It seems that this problem has not changed at all."

Unexpectedly, I dropped this sentence casually, presumably because the tone was too serious, which left the three of them speechless for a while.During the brief embarrassment, the memory of standing at the backstage door after the performance of the senior year celebration party came to mind.I always thought that Yao broke his promise that night.Maybe I'm wrong, Yao is actually sitting in the audience.He knew that I hoped to see him after the performance, but deliberately left a clue that seemed to be nothing, and then continued to add another stroke in such an understatement three years later...

Is it a warning?Is it a memo?Then he also kept his face, sat in the corner of the folk song restaurant and listened to my singing without being noticed?

The next three people went on a trip, and it became a seemingly logical thing.

Make an appointment to watch a popular movie during the summer vacation, take Ah Chong’s car and go to Jiufen, which was not destroyed by a large number of tourists at that time, or sometimes call Ah Chong’s cousin to play mahjong at a table of four until midnight. Yonghe drank soy milk, and at first he was like an ordinary college boy wandering around, nothing special.Like the inexplicable redness and swelling on the skin, it is always a little itchy at first, and then leaves a dark pimple, and gradually I will not pay attention to it. When will the skin color return to normal.Or gradually get used to the color of the dark mark, thinking that it doesn't look abnormal.

Becoming "Ruifeng's buddies" seems to be this kind of skin color change that cannot be defined as normal or abnormal.This unspeakable role made the distance between Yao and me even further, but the contact between the two suddenly became more frequent than when they were real classmates.My heart is not without guard.Keep telling yourself, don't be tempted, don't hurt your mind.Although it is not perfect, the acceptable three-person trip may not be the best practice to divert desire and anxiety.

I once imagined that maybe as long as I can practice this set of calm forbearance skills, maybe my life in the future will not be too miserable.

I know that what I really need to worry about is not that everyone will disperse as soon as school starts after the play, but that being with Yao, this extra summer will become another futile dream.

Secrets are sometimes more restless than desires.Desire needs an object, but the secret is like a lonely guerrilla wandering in the jungle, wandering in lost thoughts.

The interaction with them is like an intersection borrowed from the life of a stranger, because it is not like my own, so I have to be careful to avoid damage at all times, it will inevitably reveal a kind of unconsciousness Deliberately courteous.

Afraid that Ah Chong would find out what was on my mind, I took extra care not to neglect him, and brought the topic back to our senior year in high school.Yao was not in my life during the third year of high school.In the third year of high school, Yao used to be in the past tense.Now shuffle and start over.Once Yao's reckless masculinity revealed a childlike masculinity, but now it is concealed under the taciturn and calm chairmanship of the Federation of Representatives. Who doesn't think Yao is a promising young man?

Who would believe that Yao once chanted in my ears, and I wouldn't dare to blow it up for me... Where did that foolish boy, Yao who was once hard to figure out and let go?

At one point, I intentionally avoided their invitations, wanting to slowly fade away from such self-inflicted troubles.After several refusals, Yao and Ah Chong began to come directly to the restaurant where I sang to find me.It is said that it is a special occasion to praise me, but my intuition is that there should be some changes in the situation that I don't know about.

Although everyone was wandering around with nothing to do during the summer vacation, those two were too idle.Ah Chong's family was well off, but Yao Ruifeng's family was in the middle of the country, and he vaguely mentioned in his memory that his father was very old and "suppressed bandits" in the War of Resistance.Doesn't he have to go home to see his parents during the summer vacation?

I didn’t hear Yao mention whether he was working part-time, and the living expenses of renting a house off-campus were not small, and he had to go to the folk song restaurant to spend frequently, watch the first round of new movies, go to the cafe for nothing to eat, dance and play a little mahjong at night, and continued Empress Ah Chong flauntingly hung a BBCall on her waist, which is not something a college student who goes north alone can afford.Could it be that Ah Chong paid the bill for him?

The performances every night were originally an exclusive time for me to escape to my own small world. Their appearance did not make me feel surprised or vanity, but instead deepened my sense of unease.Pretending to have nothing to do with Yao, and calling them brothers is enough to torture people. I feel more and more that I am out of place in this threesome.

In other words, it is easy to be blamed.

For example, when I inadvertently talked about Yao's guitar playing very well, Chong actually looked very surprised, as if it was some kind of big secret, and kept asking me why I knew it. "Have you ever heard him play?" His tone changed from surprise to suspicion, as if I had made it up.

"Of course I have, why did I lie to you?"

I can't tell the whole truth.In my memory, it is almost certain that in the classroom at dusk, Yao tentatively teased me with a guitar solo, which is an undisclosed secret.

Ah Chong refused to give up Yao Lu's hand, but Yao insisted that he was just playing casually and hadn't touched it for several years.I don't know why Yao denied it.For another example, Yao would deliberately mention that I always lent him my notes during the freshman year of high school, and even exaggerated to the point that "if the little bell didn't block me during the exam, I would probably have to repeat the grade for another year".

I don't know whether to deny or agree.I don't like students who are said to be cheating, whether they are covering people or being covered.Even if you want to correct such a trivial matter, sometimes you may involve facts that you don't want others to know as evidence, so I have to let him describe his friendship with me in this way and give up the refutation.

I believe that Yao's memory is not wrong, there must be that kind of tacit understanding between us.I will cover him.

The secret never coexists peacefully with the soul, it is always waiting for the opening of the soul, and intends to break out of the body.The only weapon with which to tame the murderous monster of secrets is lies.

I have no other choice.For me, the important thing is: I must start to learn to feel the edge of the sharp jagged bottom line, look after each other, and no one can be cut out of the bleeding wound.

★

In Taipei in the [-]s, PUB culture still carried the distant legacy of the Vietnam War, mainly in the area of ​​Shuangcheng Street, Zhongshan North Road.The few houses near the Normal University Mansion are relatively simple and simple, hiding in some unremarkable old buildings.After leaving the folk song restaurant in Ximending and having a midnight snack, Chong would usually drive Yao back to the student suite on Tingzhou Road, then drive to Xindian, and drop me off at the alley of my house.

But after Yao was put down that night, Ah Chong suddenly proposed to go to the small PUB at the Normal University for a glass of wine.

Before that, I had never set foot in any liquor store, at most I went to the underground dance hall on Linsen North Road to drink beer a few times.Ah Chong led me up the dimly lit stairs, sat down in a tavern with no decorations on the walls except for a few Western movie posters, and ordered me the first glass of cocktail "Screwdriver" in my life.

There are not many customers in the store, and an LP turntable speaker plays the song "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" (Girls Just Want to Have Fun), which was popular in the streets and alleys in the summer.The long-accustomed threesome suddenly left only the two of us, and everything seemed to return to the origin of high school students pretending to be mature.As Cindy shrieked and sang woo woo woo girls just wanna have fun woo woo woo, the alcohol slowly kicked in.Sometimes Shi Guang watched Ah Chong's mouth open and close, and I just smirked when I didn't understand what he was talking about.So what are these girls trying to do for fun?Where are the boys?

The third cup was quickly finished.But I still couldn't ask, why didn't I invite Yao together, but sent him back first and left me alone?

"...Running to the printing factory, pretending to be the chairman to explain, and then changing the headline of our publication this issue!" I didn't hear Ah Chong's last sentence, but looked up to see his unexpected speech. With an angry face, "...there are spies in the school!" A line that would only be heard in spy war movies, came out of Ah Chong's mouth with a strange sense of joy.Ask him what he originally wanted to post? The "National Construction Council" wasted public funds and carried out political integration of the one-party dominance!He said.

I thought I heard it wrong, didn't I just see him elated because of his prosperity more than a month ago?He said that it is to understand the real operation process, and only by participating in the field can a strong criticism be made.I see.I nodded vigorously.

Although I don't interrupt on weekdays, I can probably figure out what kind of wrestling they are having after listening too much.The deeds of Yao's agility and resourcefulness are not new topics, but the person involved is not present, without the two of them singing together and scolding the lackey of the instructor in their mouths, Ah Chong is obviously not interested in continuing to brag. Gao, so he ended the topic in an embarrassing manner.

There was a short silence that followed, and there seemed to be an invisible Yao sitting between us. It felt as if Yao was actually a fictional character we jointly created.

We know this person together, but we don't really know each other.In other words, Yao became enlightened one day after the age of 20 and realized that he has a quality that attracts people to be curious about him. Fill in the colors that set him off.

Ah Chong tapped his fingers randomly on the bar table following the rhythm of the music, and suddenly stopped his movements and turned his head, looking at me hesitantly.

There was a strange doubt in the eyes of the other party, but it seemed that he was expecting me to say something first.Finally, he sighed as if he had lost a bet with himself, and asked me if I knew anything about the relationship between Yao and a senior they met when they attended the "National Construction Association".

The needle-like feeling was not because Yao had a girlfriend again, but because I didn't know anything about it.After enduring self-sufficiency against my will for so long, I realized that Yao still has a grudge against me.Yao's real buddy is Ah Chong.My pretense was finally exposed, and I felt embarrassment burning to the tips of my ears.

Why?Why is Yao still able to find time for dating and dating?How did he do it?

Why is my life so empty, like a helpless patient with a high fever, I can only run desperately in my dreams aimlessly?

Hidden in my disappointment was an anger that I hadn't even noticed for a while.

"The problem is, senior sister graduated this year and has already applied to the American Research Institute, and she will go there in September. This is something I knew from the very beginning. I don't know what Ruifeng can't let go of?"

That's what left me alone.

"He doesn't even think about who he is for the kind of beautiful girl who was his first choice since he was a child?"

Speaking of this, he became excited, as if Yao appeared in front of him to listen to the training, "I don't have you in the future, and I am so serious." After a while, the tone turned into complaints, "Or is it him The guy is too cynical about feelings, let's get into it now! A person who doesn't even know how to cherish, no matter how capable he is, his life will be empty in the end, right?..."

I almost blurted out: Classmate, you don’t care too much, do you?

At the moment, I didn't realize that Ah Chong actually meant something else.

The Ah Chong I know likes to criticize and be nosy, a bit wordy but fairly honest, always yelling with great interest to bring everyone together, driving to pick up and drop off these things, he never complains.I have been with him in the third year of high school for a year, and I never knew that his family's business was very big. This kind of low-key can't help but be regarded as a kind of good character.I don't hate this guy, but he doesn't even seem to realize the pressure his kindness puts on people.Because I was afraid that he would be disappointed, I reluctantly went to his invitation several times.In high school, he was the kind of serious student who always memorized English words and made people feel like avoiding them.

If my understanding of him stays in high school, I would sketch out his future like this: After graduating from university, he worked very hard to continue his studies; in his 30s, he took over the family business and continued to work hard; Expanded his career territory, and started to arrange a family trip every year, and continued to worry about current affairs and children's education... The life script that has been prepared for him seems to be fine.If it wasn't for Yao——

Across time and space, his thin black face with thick brows and high skull suddenly smiled helplessly at me.

"He didn't listen to what I said. I wanted him to bring Angela to listen to your singing, but he said not to let you know. I think he must care more about your opinion..."

One second I was like a defeated deserter, and the next second I thought I had found a loophole to attack, "Ruifeng is just a playboy, and his bad mood may be because the girl is more serious than him, he wants to shake it off but can't shake it off! ..." Then he drank the contents of the cup pretending to be relaxed, "It's okay, I know his temper."

Such an argument undoubtedly surprised Achong.My talent for being able to smooth things over for Yao without too much effort was activated once again.

The store door opened, and a group of boys rushed in.Two foreigners and three locals laughed loudly as if no one else was around.I immediately turned my face away, pretending to ignore it.It's not because of their ear-piercing noise, but because of the pungent strong cologne fragrance, like a colorful snake, writhing and scurrying in the narrow room.I felt the muscles on my face go stiff.Snakes are not the only things that haunt this place.

"Damn, neither male nor female!"

Ah Chong's sideways glance made me feel cold.No matter how much you confide in your heart, this iron plate will always jump out without warning.The bartender at the counter replaced the Cyndi Lauper record and put on Madonna Ciccone's Like A Virgin.The group of people who just came in immediately sang along loudly, cooperating with the movements, raising their buttocks and pouting their lips, showing the true story of Sister Na.

At midnight in the summer of [-], if someone travels through the future and tells that Madonna will one day become the godmother of the fashion generation, instead, she won the Grammy Newcomer Award as soon as she debuted, and her talent will undoubtedly outshine Madonna in the same period Na's Cindy Lauper has never been on the best-selling list since [-]. I think I will scoff and think that person is crazy.

The so-called future is always hidden in the past that we don't want to face up to.

★

"It's late, we should go." I said.

Ah Chong's drinking capacity was not very good.His eyes were bloodshot and sleepy, he waved his hands when he heard what I said, muttered something, then staggered off the high chair, letting me half-support and half-drag me down the stairs of the tavern.

I don't know if he was really drunk or something was on his mind. When he came downstairs, he slid on the floor leaning on the pillars of the arcade, fumbling in his pockets, but couldn't find a cigarette.I wanted to help him go back upstairs to look for it, but he said no.It seemed that he still didn't want to go home, and he was humming a song here and there. It took me a long time to catch the tune, it was the theme song of a movie.

The title of that movie is "Nashville" (Nashville), the classic name card of director Robert Altman (Robert Altman). The theme song I'm Easy won an Oscar, but it was a banned film that year.Everyone in the folk song circle had practiced this song, and the intro solo was simply a model for teaching guitar.The funny thing is, no one knows what the movie is about and why it was banned.

It took more than ten years to see the video tape. In the movie, Nashville, the capital of country music, became a base camp of political money and entertainment media wrestling and collusion during a certain US presidential election. Tragic end.In Taiwan, which was still under martial law, this was the reason why the film could not get a license to perform.We were always kept in the dark when we were young, keen to learn from Europe and the United States, but never knew the original appearance of things. We groped through that era in this way.

"Hey, Xiao Zhong, that time when I heard you sing this song on stage, I thought it was amazing, so I went to find a record and started to learn." Ah Chong raised his face and smiled at me.

Ah Chong's car was parked far away.There were no traces of cars for half a day on Xinhai Road at midnight.There may be a typhoon approaching, and the sweltering air blows fast and long winds from time to time.I added Ah Chong's slightly hoarse singing voice.The deserted road was like a stage after the show, and the slightly drunk mood of the two boys sounded. Give the word and I'll play the game, asthough that' show it to be.Because I'measy... If you have something to say, just say it, I will accompany this game until it's hard to tell the truth from the fake, because I'm a casual person...

In the so-called game, is it possible that one party pretends to be casual but actually just wants to satisfy vanity?The other party seems to be acting on the occasion, maybe it just sees through the other party's intentions? ... Could this be a picture of me too?

Knowing that at most he would just continue to be ambiguous, but he has been waiting for Yao's next hint, as if he thinks that he has not sunk enough.Is this his manipulation, or my compromising?With a new girlfriend, can the same plot have a different ending?The sky started to rain, we quickly got up and crossed the street, and hid in Chong's car.The two then sat in the car without saying a word, actually waiting for the other to speak first.Ah Chong turned on the radio. The host of ICRT, Ji Li Gua La, was speaking English, probably replying to listeners’ letters and on-demand. I didn’t pay attention to what was said before, until the host announced the track: DoYouReallyWanttoHurtMe? , Boy George's singing immediately took me back to that afternoon at the fast food restaurant.I thought of the pair of men in suits standing side by side in front of the order counter.They seemed to interact intimately back then.

I, who is as sensitive as a detector to the gentleness shown between boys, was attracted by the scene in front of me for a while.Although only for a few seconds.But, is it possible that in the relationship between the three at the beginning of that summer, Ah Chong was never an outsider between Yao and me?On the contrary, the light bulb in the middle is actually me?

For secular supervision, the body is the red line of warning. As long as the movements are not feminine and the hands and feet are safe, men and women will look at each other, which can be regarded as sympathy or rivalry.There is no ghost in my heart, and I can't see the clue at all.

The one who can recognize the overtones is often the third party who is secretly coveting but unfortunately left out.You can't accuse anyone, you can only hurt yourself.Being treated like air is so embarrassing and embarrassing, the bruises on self-esteem can't heal, and the skin that is always naked and red has become extremely sensitive to the secret communication of smells between others.Such a sore, in the end, looks like a birthmark of being born with "that kind of person".

It was the same song that was playing at McDonald's the first afternoon the three met, I said.

"That day I discovered that there was something strange between you and Ruifeng."

Ah Chong paused for a moment, seeing that I didn't respond, he spoke again like a turntable whose speed was out of control.

"Just now in the tavern, I don't disdain those people who came in later, I just don't understand why they want the whole world to know that they like the same sex? Why do they have to become girls if they like boys? The point is not Do you love someone? It’s good to love someone well, isn’t it? What do you do if you get everyone’s attention?… It’s not that I don’t understand that kind of love will go hard, I understand—that’s why I feel more They shouldn't, shouldn't turn this into a farce, it doesn't have to be like that...Xiao Zhong, what I want to say is--no, I want to ask you, if, if there is a handsome boy, he said He likes you, can you accept this kind of thing?"

Maybe, I replied.

It was all in silence, we didn't even say the word.

"Yeah." He stared at the rain drains on the window glass, as if waiting for some kind of signal, and finally he could say the answer, "I think I can do it too."

After a while, he turned down the volume of the radio and spoke again: "You are the real reason why I always want to invite the three of us together. I'm not sure what's going on between you and Ruifeng."

I was silent.

He knows, he sees it all.He and Yao shared the same bed during the days when he worked as a host at the National Construction Association and lived in the Hyatt.Two vigorous boys live in the same room for a whole week and are on call all day and can't go anywhere.

What do you think is going to happen?he asked back.

Did it more than once, and.

On the morning when the last day of activities was about to end, when they still put on their uniforms, suits and ties, and looked in the mirror together, he saw that the eyes of the person in the mirror suddenly became strange and distant, and he already knew that those few days What happened late was just sex to Yao, and Yao could continue to flirt with that senior girl named Angela as if nothing had happened later at work.Turn your face?what reason?A slap can't make a sound, who is to blame?This kind of thing can only pretend that it didn't happen to each other, you understand? ...

The confession suddenly stopped here, and the two fell into a dead silence like the eve of the end.

"Do you think Yao Ruifeng is that?"

I said I don't know what to do.

Sex for the sake of sex sounds so simple and quick, yet Yao has no interest in teasing me even after taking a bite of it. What does this mean?

My chest felt as if I had been punched by someone, and I only heard a loud bang in my heart, like the collapse of an underground secret room.

I remembered reading this line from Oscar Wilde's play: "True love forgives all but the unloved", and I suddenly felt a chill: did the unloved do something, or didn't do it because they should do it , so need to be forgiven?

Strictly speaking, Yao and I are not considered to have had a relationship at all.

My mood is neither angry nor sad, the closest word I can think of to the feeling at that time is: awe-inspiring.I even suspect that these days, Yao and Achong are both in the mood of watching a good show when I join them immediately.In their eyes, my coveted and pretended innocent hard work must make them feel their own advantages and luck, because even if Yao continued to associate with Angela, they still secretly