Star Sea·Light Year

Snow is still falling.

The sun was sinking gradually, and the wind was as sharp as a whistle in my ears.

Eight months ago, he and Meng Tian met again.At that time, after the two discussed, Wang Ben changed the hospital where he practiced and came to the place where Meng Tian was.

Perhaps it was because he kept a distance on purpose in the past, so after being together, he would want to see Meng Tian all the time, and even wanted to get tired of lying in bed with him as soon as he got home.So he didn't notice anything wrong then.

The unusual beginning is the marriage of the letter.

As the best man, he went to help a few days in advance, and Meng Tian also went with him.In the past, Meng Tian had a very active personality, but at that time he was uncharacteristically taciturn, and he looked at his old friends with strange eyes.

—He looked a little disturbed.

His eyes will always be glued to his body, and if he leaves temporarily for something, he must call every half an hour.The first time, he didn't receive the call in time, and when he called back, he heard Meng Tian's voice crying, and he immediately put down what he was doing and rushed back. As soon as he entered the door, he saw Meng Tian huddled low on the sofa , He was so frightened that he thought that something terrible had happened, but Meng Tian took his arm and said that he thought he would not come back.When he heard what he said, Wang Ben thought it was because Meng Tian had no confidence in him because of his past actions, thinking that he would leave him for other things, so he was so uneasy.

But later he realized that it was not such a simple matter at all.

Wang Ben didn't sleep deeply all the time, usually Meng Tian fell asleep first, and then he fell asleep, but suddenly from a certain day, Meng Tian's sleep was abnormal.Unable to hear his long breathing, Wang Ben opened his eyes and saw him lying on the pillow looking at him.

"Can't sleep?"

"Ah."

The face is very tired, but I can't fall asleep, is it insomnia? ... Or a little bit of mental stress?Because Meng Tian had the experience of losing appetite due to nervousness, Wang Ben wondered if it would be the same this time.

He hugged him from behind, and the two bodies were pressed together.Meng Tian likes this posture very much, and probably feels a little more relaxed.

In this way, he was able to fall asleep, but it was also very shallow.Later, when he was going to the bathroom, Meng Tian would follow him. In short, he couldn't leave his sight for a moment, otherwise he would walk around very restlessly.

This is of course not normal.

...Should I say it?Wang Ben suddenly felt a little sad.As a doctor, he can easily tell his patients about his condition, but...but he can't say "you may be sick" to the face in front of him.

"...I've been weird lately." Before Wang Ben had time to say anything, Meng Tian in his arms suddenly spoke. Hearing this obviously frustrated voice, Wang Ben frowned.

"I feel like I've become weird...sometimes like a pervert." Although Meng Tian said this with some self-deprecation, Wang Ben felt that he was about to cry, and he noticed that Meng Tian's body was even shaking.

"...What's the matter?" Although he was still hesitating before, Wang Ben couldn't just let it go.

"...I'm very scared." Meng Tian grabbed his shirt and turned to look at him helplessly.Seeing him with such eyes made Wang Ben feel distressed.

"I'm not leaving." He kissed his forehead.

"I know....But I don't know why, but I just can't believe it. When I realized it, I had already done a lot of things that I couldn't even imagine. It bothers you, right?"

In fact, Meng Tian may indeed be ill.This point, even if he doesn't focus on psychiatry, he can understand it.

This kind of unreasonable suspicion and lack of self-confidence... is not because the surrounding environment really makes him feel wrong, and, on the contrary, it is a manifestation of being out of touch with the surrounding environment.

But... If you don't speak out frankly, it will become a situation of evasion again, which is even worse.

"I'm not bothered." Wang Ben caressed Meng Tian's soft hair, "But if you feel something is wrong, I think you should go to the hospital for examination."

……depression.

A condition that is easily misunderstood.Although it sounds like a mental illness, it is actually a mental illness.Why people suffer from this disease, the academic circles have not yet concluded.In the eyes of ordinary people, depression is mostly due to the person's weak ability to bear it and his extreme thoughts. In short, most people will have a prejudice.

But in fact, a disease is a disease.

Just like a cold, it is actually divided into two diseases, "commoncold" and "influenza". The former is not contagious to others and has no obvious seasonal differences, while the latter is a typical infectious disease with seasonality.Many people think that a cold is caused by a cold, but no matter what kind of cold it is, it is actually a viral disease, and the medicines used to treat colds are actually not good for this kind of disease, because these are not anti-disease drugs, let alone cause colds There are more than one kind of virus, their RNA structure is different, the molecular structure of the protein they bind is also different, and the RNA is an unstable structure, so these viruses are prone to mutation, and there is no completely targeted drug.Therefore, the medicines for treating colds actually just force people to rest more and rely on the body's own immune system to defeat these viruses.

The same goes for depression, known as the "spiritual cold."It may not necessarily be correct to think that their mental state is abnormal only based on external performance, so psychological intervention is required.

They probably know something is wrong themselves, but they just can't help thinking about it.So the more you intervene, the more likely it will increase their psychological pressure.

This is especially true with depression.

Wang Ben understood that those actions were not what Meng Tian wanted to do, but he did it unconsciously, so when he realized it, he was afraid that his actions would make him feel uncomfortable.

If he does act bothered, it will make him even more uneasy.Meng Tian didn't lose his mind, he just became dull because of illness, and his thinking became more confined, but at the same time, he became more sensitive because of his low self-evaluation.Once you get negative feedback from your surroundings, maybe... there will be some terrible results.

So when he saw a series of incoming call reminders on his mobile phone at the end of the seminar, Wang Ben suddenly became frightened.

——It was his mistake.

During this time, Meng Tian's state became much more stable, so he decided to attend the regular seminar. He also explained it in advance, because it was common sense for them, so he thought Meng Tian would understand.He roughly said when it would be over, but this time the seminar took about an hour longer than he expected.

He didn't expect that the current Meng Tian is a patient after all, so he might not really understand what he meant. ...Or even if he understood, it doesn't mean he can react according to his ideas at all.

After rushing home immediately, the people who were supposed to be at home were nowhere to be seen, and no handwriting was left behind.

Not even having time to think about it, Wang Ben walked away.He thought, we must find him as soon as possible.

He went around asking people around him.

"He went over there, because it was going to snow heavily, and I saw that he was wearing a little thin, so I reminded him, but he didn't seem to hear."

It was slowly getting dark.

...Where will it be?

Wang Ben looked around blankly.

This was something he had never experienced before.Because he knew that Meng Tian was always waiting for him within reach. ... But this time it was different, the phone was left at home without leaving any message, and he just disappeared so suddenly.

—What if we never see each other again?

This is not impossible... Although most people would not seek death because of such trivial things, but he is a patient... No, I can't think about it anymore.

Wang Ben said so to himself.

It must be found, and it will be found.

It was getting dark, and the moonlight reflected the snow, giving off a faint blue light.

Before they knew it, they had already walked onto the ice that was supposed to be a lake.They had tried to fish here when the weather was warm, but they hadn't caught anything.

If it's really lost...really...never meet again...

Wang Ben slumped his shoulders weakly and kept walking in the wind and snow. His physical strength was exhausted very quickly, and his legs were almost frozen.

Why did you hesitate before?In fact, this is not a matter of choice at all, and it is not at all that Meng Tian cannot leave him, but he is the one who cannot do without.

——So you can't stop.

Since this was the place where they came together, Meng Tian might be around here.

By the way, at that time he also said that it would be great if he could turn into a fish, because a fish has no brain, so it will not worry, and the daily life is to eat, swim when you want to move, and stop when you don’t want to move down.

He also said... If he really turns into a fish, maybe he will still retain the impression of him, so he will come to bite his hook and be eaten by him at that time, it seems that it is not bad.

...At that time, he thought those were just a joke.

He really didn't notice it at all.

It was the same in the past, I didn't understand his thoughts at all, but I was self-righteous and said some words of comfort.No matter how much you stare at his figure, he doesn't seem to understand his heart.

That's why I don't understand why everything is like this.

……why?

Even though we are together, it feels like the distance has become even further away.

The scenery in front of him became blurred, and he suddenly saw a light blue figure vaguely on the ice in front of him.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!" bursts of ecstasy welled up in his heart, and he started running on the ice.

——It's really Meng Tian.

He wanted to speak, but all he could hear was a series of roars of unknown meaning.

He knelt down beside Meng Tian who seemed to be asleep, and stretched out his hand tremblingly to feel his pulse. After feeling the beating, he immediately punched him several times heavily in the abdomen.

The pain caused Meng Tian's brows to move, his long eyelashes were icy, and icy shards fell when he shook, Wang Ben stretched out his hands and rubbed his already frozen cheeks a few times.After a while, Meng Tian opened his eyes and looked at him with some confusion.

"Don't let me fall asleep in this kind of place!" He heard his voice hoarse.

As if he knew that he was not dreaming, his eyes suddenly became a little melancholy, and the hand that was stretched towards his face dropped down.

"I'm sorry.... If we never knew each other, you would have lived a simpler but happier life, so... why did you come here?"

"……what are you saying……"

Meng Tian stared straight at the night sky. For some reason, Wang Ben found that his restless mood just now had completely calmed down.He thought it was because he wanted to understand one thing.

Lying down next to Meng Tian, ​​the snow fell one by one, looking up from the bottom like this, it feels very strange, as if the stars that should have appeared in the night sky are falling down one by one.

"It'll be easier for everyone if I'm not around. So just leave me here alone, okay?"

"On the way here just now, I was very scared." Wang Ben grabbed Meng Tian's hand, maybe he would break free, "but now I'm not afraid at all. If you think it's more comfortable to die, then I'll be with you ...In this way, if I can really become a fish, I can still be by your side....In fact, maybe from the very beginning, I have to rely on you. It's just that I never seriously thought about it before, so I didn't think about it until now I understand, for me, happiness is staying by your side...such a simple thing, why didn't I think about it before..."

After a while, Meng Tian's voice came over.

"...This is an illusion. It is because I keep saying that I like you, so you feel that you have some kind of responsibility to me. But it is not at all. We are just dating now, and you have no obligation to take care of me. And I know, no matter before or now... I'm the one who keeps bothering you, because you are a gentle person, so you let me rely on you. I... I'm actually very selfish..."

"It doesn't matter if you rely on me a little more, as long as it makes you feel that my existence is necessary... that's fine."

"But I'm only going to cause you trouble... I've never done anything for you..."

"No." Wang Ben laughed, "You are very important to me...so important that when I thought I was going to lose you, I realized that I suddenly lost the courage to live....It's not just because you are My first love....Although it was love at first sight for you who I mistaken for a girl at first sight, but I didn't understand the meaning of it later....Because my life is very closed and I am not good at expressing my thoughts, so I heard After the sadness from the sound of the piano, I was a little curious, and since then I have been looking forward to you who can express emotions naturally, so I deliberately entered the school where you are. At that time... I thought that you would not Will remember me... But the result is that you have no impression of me at all.... But even so, you still came to my side. I was actually very nervous at that time, and I was afraid that you would leave immediately when I stopped, so I had to Bite the bullet and run a few more laps... To be honest, the sun was very hot that day.... It was only after I met you that I slowly started to care about other things. There are more and more people around me. Gradually, the world After becoming more open and having other choices, I began to think about my own affairs a little bit. I used to think that for me, the path of life does not need to be considered, because it has already been decided....But In fact, it is not, because even if I let myself choose, I will only feel confused, so it is a relief to accept the direction pointed out by others.... Clothes, diet, and habits are all decided by my mother, and even I have no way to say I said that I really love Kyudo, because I just got used to it....But you are different. At least...I thought so at the time. So when I heard you say that you like me, I'm really happy. But at the same time, I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do and what I am if I don't inherit the family business.... I'm also very scared, worrying if you are just a whim. Later... I just Be sure, you are really willing to be with me. Although you have made all kinds of excuses, they are just excuses. The truth is, to me, you are like a key, connecting me and the world....So , don’t say that you haven’t met you, because knowing you is the luckiest thing in my life.”

He never thought that one day he would say so many words, but now he must say it, because he wants him to understand that he cannot leave him.

"...so...do you need me?"

"Well, I need you."

When he turned his head, he saw the tears condensed into ice crystals in the corner of his eyes, and he picked one and put it in his mouth.

"...Can I kiss you?" Wang Ben asked, "You don't seem to like intimacy after being sick, do you find it annoying?"

Meng Tian slowly moved closer, and pressed his cold lips against the clouds of white air.

This is the first time he has taken the initiative since his diagnosis.

In fact, he really wanted to say "work hard to live together".But he can't tell.It's meaningless if Meng Tian doesn't want to live.

"I look a bit ugly when I cry..." Meng Tian said in a low voice when he moved away.

"...It may be a bit too much to say that, although I like the way you smile, but at the same time I think you look good when you are crying. Especially when you think that these tears are falling because of me, I will feel very complacent. ...Especially now, it's like having crystals adorning your face. It's beautiful..."

"really?"

"Hmm! Really."

"...Then what if it wasn't because of you that you cried?"

"That... would be a little jealous."

"Do you know?"

"Yeah. But you hate being chained, so I don't want you to know."

"...If I'm with you, I don't feel disgusting at all. It would be great if I could become that pair of dolls. Even if I stay in that box forever, I'll be very happy.... Or become a pair of stars, In this way, we can spend a long time together. But... I can't become a doll, I'm not a star,... I can only live once, if I die like this... I feel very sorry. I want to live, Wanting to stay by your side...will it cause you trouble?"

All the accumulated emotions suddenly collapsed, and Wang Ben cried uncontrollably.

"……sorry."

"No... I'm so happy because... because I heard you say you want to live with me... I suddenly feel very happy."

"Together with me..." I don't know if his eyes were dazzled, as if he had seen Meng Tian's tiny smile for a long time, "Listen to you... I seem to be a little happy."

He really laughed.

"Can you go home...? Suddenly feel a little cold."

Hearing what Meng Tian said, Wang Ben nodded vigorously and stood up.

Meng Tian stared blankly at his palm.

"...Ben is like a knight, always coming to save me....that's great."

"Then what are you?"

"...bad wizard."

"why?"

"Because bad wizards bring misfortune to others, and knights are like symbols of light."

Wang Ben was silent for a while, and then said with a smile: "...Before, I clearly said that I was a fierce and ugly Tyrannosaurus rex."

"That's a character I like very much. It looks a little dull and fierce on the outside, and it's like the Tyrannosaurus rex that scares children in a bedtime story, but it's actually clumsy and gentle, and it's really like you.  …But Rabbits...although they are cute on the outside, they are actually not what they appear to be."

"...Why don't you like yourself?"

Taking off the scarf and wrapping it around Meng Tian's neck, he asked the confusion that he just realized.

"Because I let the people around me live a bad life, and I don't want them to live a good life. If I hadn't appeared at that time, my mother's illness might not have worsened... let alone leave like that. And my younger brother... I have never been here since I was a child. I don't have a chance to get along with my mother. I don't want to accept the reality, so even if I know my father is very pitiful, I still put on an ugly face that I am the victim..."

"...you know about your mother?"

"Well. I used to find my father's photo album by chance and saw those group photos. I noticed it... But because I didn't want to believe it, I forced myself to believe my mother's words, and gradually forgot. Until then, when I saw you again Mother's ribbon, I just remembered."

Meng Tian grabbed the scarf, as if hesitating a bit.

"I... don't regret giving you the ribbon."

"Even if there is no ribbon... If you know the truth, you will definitely tell me."

If it wasn't for illness, Meng Tian should be able to realize that he knew the truth.But...it doesn't really matter anymore.

"why?"

"Because that's your way of life. You won't escape, it's a personality that you will bear with gritted teeth."

He took off half of the scarf, wrapped it around Wang Ben's neck, tilted his head in satisfaction and smiled lightly.

"But... I don't know if your courage has been shared with me. Now I also want to accept the reality seriously. Maybe it's because you don't hate me when I'm sick, and I seem to be a little willing to accept myself like this That's it...is that...ok?"

Meeting Shang Mengtian's gaze, Wang Ben nodded with a smile and said, "Yeah. That's good."

"Ah, it's so beautiful." Meng Tian looked back at the frozen lake just now, "It's like a sapphire."

Wang Ben also looked back.

"Want to watch for a while?"

Meng Tian shook his head: "It's so cold, I want to go home quickly."

"it is good."

The snow fell harder and harder, and the footprints behind him were quickly covered.But even without turning their heads, they knew that the lake they had just lay on was still shining with a beautiful blue light.

"...I don't seem to be able to walk anymore." Meng Tian hung his head in distress, grabbing a corner of the scarf.

"I'll carry you."

"But I am very heavy." He is not heavy at all now, because of his poor appetite, he has lost weight again.But Wang Ben would not say it.

"It's okay, I'm fine."

Obviously, he had the feeling that his physical strength was about to be exhausted before, but now he didn't feel that way at all. Perhaps it was the temperature coming through the scarf that made him full of energy again.