pedestrian

On the way to Wu Yueyin's house, Chang Zheng personally drove Tao Ran there.

When the car got downstairs, when Tao Ran opened the door, he said, "I'll go back to my place to find something."Maybe Tao Ran didn't necessarily want to see him again after hearing this story, so he would rather take the initiative to take a step back and leave time, space and choice to Tao Ran.

What kind of facts make Chang Zheng not want to narrate it himself.It is about to divide the past and the future, leaving many hesitating words without hiding, both of them are very clear about this.

So Tao Ran met his gaze knowingly, and nodded lightly.

After all, Chang Zheng's residence is rented, while Tao Ran's is his own house that he has lived in for over ten years, so the meaning is different after all.After being together, it seems that they still spent more time with Tao Ran, and now seeing the familiar street scene outside the car window again, Chang Zheng's mood is really indescribably complicated.

Going upstairs, opening the door, and turning on the light, Chang Zheng didn't stop in the empty living room, went straight to the bedroom, opened the door of the bedside table, and touched the wooden box that had been placed in the deepest part.

Hidden there was Chang Zheng's last diary before he completely gave up the habit of keeping a diary.

2004. 1, 26

Today is the fifth day of junior high school, the first day the school opens, and senior three students are allowed to enter the classroom for self-study.Guizhou still didn't come.

When the accident happened a few years ago, the rumors in the school were really ugly.I thought after a while these people would remember that school is a place to study after all, but now it seems... not.

When I went out in the morning, I obviously took my schoolbag, but my mother asked me where I was going.I know that both her and my dad suspect that I have something to do with Guizhou's matter. They have seen Guizhou before when he came to our house, but after so many days, it seems that they dare not ask at all.How ridiculous, as if after saying this sentence, their son's name would be added to the so-called "dirty things" whispered by those outside.

I don't understand what's wrong with this world.I don't know who I can blame.

They all deserve to die.

2004. 4, 1

Another monthly exam, Guizhou was still stuck in the exam time, and left after the exam.

After the winter vacation, he didn't come to school very much.What people say is more than terrible.

His father can do that kind of thing that day, and he must be doing badly after studying at home recently.But even so, the school absolutely cannot stay.These people are simply mad dogs in human skin.

The teachers are trying their best to help him, the papers are kept for him as usual, and special time is arranged to answer questions alone, but his ranking still drops more and more every time.I can't imagine how he would feel.

My seat is next to the window in the corridor of our class. He would pass by every time he came to school, but he never looked up at me.

I see what he means.When we broke up, I always remember the phrase "Don't worry about it anymore, do as I say" he yelled out.That was the first and only time he lost his temper at me.

...how I wish this was all an April Fool's joke.

2004. 5, 28

It's the last day at school, and tomorrow I will start reading books at home for the last few days, and all of this will be over.

At noon, the class teacher asked me to take all the remaining papers from him back to the class and distribute them.Taking advantage of no one's attention, I went to look through the admission ticket of Guizhou's class.

Write down his admission ticket number, at least I can find out how he did in the exam.

May he be well.

2004. 7, 2

After the results came out, seven aunts and eight aunts I didn't know at all began to visit the door.My parents also seemed to be dazzled by the incident, completely forgetting that I was still a suspect in their minds, and greeted me with joy.

I just find it ridiculous.

How could Gui Zhou pass the exam like this?How could I happen to be this No.1.

He just entered an online list, and the red list posted by the school only copied an online list, and his name was on the last line.Even at this time, the mad dogs of the whole town gathered around the school gate, still pointing to his name and gossiping endlessly.

They deserved to live in this street all their lives.Why aren't they dead yet.

Just now my mother asked me to go out and buy some cold medicine. Everyone who met me on the way said congratulations to me.Everything is like the satirical movie I watched with Guizhou before, even worse.

What drama is like life, there is always a moment when the movie ends, but the matter of living is endless.

I met Yueyin in the pharmacy.She said that Gui Zhou hadn't said a word for many days at home, but the family felt that a thread was good.As long as Guizhou can get out of here quickly, the whole family can breathe a sigh of relief, and now it's not a matter of going to any school at all.Relatives and friends also came to their house, so he just hid in his room and never came out.

I understand this kind of feeling that other people think you are good, but you think it would be better to die.

So what?To live is disgusting.

2004. 7, 18

Recently, I haven't been in the mood to listen to what my parents are discussing with those relatives, so I only found out yesterday morning that they held a champion banquet in the evening.

For the first time in my life, I yelled at my dad. I said whoever wants to go, I will never.

But they said that many of the people who were coming tonight were invited by my class teacher to announce the good news in person.The teacher did treat me kindly, and most of the students also wanted to join in the fun.Maybe I'll never see them again, I've already lost my return boat, and I haven't even had a decent goodbye... I don't want to have any other regrets.

In fact, Guizhou was the one who had been holding the first place until that incident happened.His name became a taboo.When I was toasting at the banquet, I heard someone mention it at the teacher's table several times, and they immediately stopped looking at each other.They can help Guizhou in private, but it is difficult to reveal anything in public.

Ignorance is like a glass enclosure, and no one in it can escape.

I must have drunk too much last night, I seem to see the return boat coming.He took a bottle of beer and stood at the door, made a toast gesture to me from a distance, and then left.

I didn't ask if anyone else had seen him.On such an occasion, I would rather he not come.

I woke up this morning and couldn't remember if that was true or not.Maybe it's because I think about it every day and dream at night.I heard that Gui Zhou has decided to go to our provincial capital to study, no matter what, going anywhere is better than here.

The past has been like this, and the future may not be better.But we have no choice but to look forward.

2006. 8, 16

I found an internship this summer, which was actually to help a small company run by my seniors.I really don't want to go back.

Since I went to college, every time I called or went home, my parents would stare at the question of whether I have a girlfriend or not.In the last phone call, I couldn't help asking my mother what answer you want, she was too scared to answer for a long time.Then for more than a month, they never contacted me again.

Why bother, I was so frightened that I still kept asking, but I didn't dare to face it after I answered.They always remind me of those things in the second half of the third year of high school. Since they think I am a different kind, I don't want to see them either.

But just now... my mother called again, pretending to be okay, wondering if I really want to practice until the end of the summer vacation.She said that my dad missed me very much, and hoped that even if I had three or five days to spare, it would be best to go home.

……

2007. 8, 29

Back to school this time, basically nothing happened.I have almost all the required credits, and the internship is next.I heard that internships in the consulting industry don’t give you money, but take your life. I must stay, so I have been preparing for most of the summer.

I have already found someone near the company to rent a house with me. After school starts, I will see what else the school has to deal with, and then I plan to move there.

Because these things were on my mind, when I was waiting for the train at the provincial capital railway station today, I didn't see Guizhou nearby.

When I saw him and wanted to ask him how he was doing these past few years, he came over and hugged me directly.

I didn't want to lose my composure in front of him, but the sadness at that moment was the only thing that made me feel alive for a long time.

Guizhou didn't speak until the light at my ticket gate changed from green to yellow, and he let me go, telling me to go in quickly, so as not to miss the train.

Then, of course, he didn't reply to my text messages.

But it doesn't matter anymore.I'm glad he didn't forget me either.

This is enough.

2009. 10, 23

I must be on the promotion list, and it was finally confirmed today.

When I was promoted for the first time in my life, when I received the personnel email, I didn't feel ecstatic.It may be that I haven't slept well for too long. Except for the work itself, it seems that all other senses have begun to be dull.

Another buddy in the same project team was also promoted, and we went to drink and celebrate together in the evening.He said that after the salary increase this time, he will be able to meet the minimum requirements of his mother-in-law, and he can propose to his girlfriend.

Looking at his beaming face, I thought, I can also try to give my loved one a home.

After work, Guizhou and I slowly regained contact.I know that after he graduated, he found a job in the provincial capital.I heard that his mother is not in good health, and I hope he will often go back to take care of her.In the phone call just now, I said that I have gained a firm foothold here and hoped that he would come and live with me. He replied that he needed to think about it.

...Finally, there was no direct rejection.

2010. 1, 1

Gui Zhou called me and asked me what my address is, and he wants to send some of the hard-to-get items first.

He said he was already in the process of resigning.

It seems that this game of chess between me and him will eventually be over.

2010. 10, 7

Since coming to my side, Guizhou has been depressed.

With his educational background, he can only find a job worth five to six thousand dollars after tax. It is indeed not easy to live in the capital city.I didn't dare to give him my salary card, for fear that he would be further stimulated, so I had no choice but to buy everything that should be bought at home.But sometimes when I saw his expression on unpacking the package, I felt that he had already guessed my thoughts, and was even more unhappy because of it.

I knew who I was, where I lived and what I did, and it was a constant reminder of the obvious.But what else can I do.I thought I was capable of giving him a better life, and that we could be together well, that was enough.

But now it seems that it is obviously not enough.

In order to see him smile more this National Day, I took him out to play with my friends.The two people traveling together are also a couple, both in my line of business, and their income is about the same as mine.All the attention on the way back to the boat still fell on the expenses. I understand his feelings very well, but I have tried my best to be considerate of him... I really don’t know what else I can do to make him happy.

Even if we love each other, we are still independent individuals, destined to face our own destiny alone.

It's a pity I wasted so much time and am only now starting to understand this.

2010. 12, 22

This business trip is long, before I left, I asked Gui Zhou to help me finalize the house change.The lease term here is coming up soon, and I happened to get a salary increase recently, so I should move to a better neighborhood, it's all a matter of course.

Unexpectedly, when I came back today, I found that he didn't spend much time looking at the house.

I asked him if he was busy recently and didn't take care of this matter.He replied that it was all my money to rent the house, and my budget was three times his monthly salary, so he couldn't decide where to rent for me.

I was so angry that I had nothing to say.I only have "us" in my eyes, but he only has the numbers on the bank card.

Seeing that I didn't answer, he actually added another sentence, asking me if I think his time is worthless and should be spent on trivial matters at home, while my own time is worth thousands of dollars and should only be spent on work.

……

I understand his arrogance when he was young, and also understand the gap he felt around me.I have been trying my best to be considerate to myself, and I have never had the slightest thought of belittling him.

I can't turn back time, I can't change everything that has happened, and I can't shake the value that this snobbish society places on a paper diploma.He must think that dignity is based on economic ability, and I can't do anything about it.

Every time I come back from a business trip, the family is either silent or quarreling, and the quarrel is meaningless.

I'm... really tired.

2011. 2, 14

Valentine's Day.

I bought roses and came back. Although it is stupid, I hope that Gui Zhou will feel relieved when he sees it.During the Chinese New Year, his father drank a few drinks, and then said he was not feeling well. He has been checking his body for a while after the new year, and then re-examination.This doesn't sound like a good thing, and it's inevitable for Guizhou to worry.

In the afternoon, I took half a day off. I planned to go home to prepare dinner, but when I entered the door, I found that Guizhou was already at home.

His father has pancreatic cancer, terminal.

After listening to the phone call from home, he directly resigned from the company and planned to go back to take care of him immediately.I saw that he was already packing his luggage, so I used my mobile phone to call him all my current deposits.His whole body was shaking, his hands were completely cold, and he insisted on telling me that the money would be returned to me as soon as possible.

I couldn't bear it, so I replied that he didn't have to pay it back.

He actually lost his temper.I didn't expect him to have such a big reaction at first, and thought he had misunderstood something.Later, he said a lot of things that I didn't know at all, saying that all my care for him was out of guilt, but I was not wrong at all back then, and said that I couldn't afford to give him such alms.

I... couldn't control myself, we kept arguing until we were exhausted.

Up to now, this is a long-standing grievance that is irreparable.

2011. 2, 15

Gui Zhou said that when he went back this time, he would never come back again.

This time, there is no more unfinished business.We finally drained each other.

The author has something to say: It is recommended to listen to Hua Chenyu's Shimmer and Song Dongye's Anhe Bridge after eating, and listen to the lyrics