Blind Faith

We sat on the sofa, completely immersed in each of our own little worlds, and Isaac was lost in thought for so long that I thought he had fallen asleep.But then he sighed: "You, um, you said that I was your boyfriend when you introduced Mrs. Yao."

I blinked in surprise, "Yes."

"I've never been introduced as someone's boyfriend."

I never thought that he would not want to be my boyfriend: "Is it okay to introduce like this?"

He tightened his arms around me, "Of course."

I laughed and kissed the top of his head, "Fine, because it seems to me that you've been my boyfriend for weeks."

He leaned against my chest and giggled.Then he was silent for a long time, and then said: "Carter, do you want to stay at night?"

Maybe he sensed my stiffness, maybe he heard my heart pounding in my chest, because he added quickly, "Missy's here so you don't need to go home and take care of her, and you can get her from my house too." Off to work. Missy can stay here even tomorrow if you want..."

I smile. "I guess Missy's been here longer than my house anyway." I wrap my arms around Isaac and kiss his hair again. "I'd love to stay."

He suddenly sat up awkwardly: "I haven't, I haven't made sure if I'm ready..." He hesitated, "...you know, just go to bed. You've been patient with me, but I... "

I sat up too, and cupped his face in my hands. "Hey Isaac, listen. I'm not looking forward to anything, especially sex. Enough of the things we do in the bedroom. You know some same-sex couples who never do full sets because they don't want to Or they don't like it, or for whatever reason. And there are many, many reasons for—"

"I want to." He cut me off. "I want to do it, and I will do it someday."

"As long as you're ready."

He smiles. "you are so kind to me."

I kissed him tenderly.I want to tell him I love him.I wanted to let him know this, but something held me back.Love is something that scares him, and his reaction to Brady is evidence of that.In fact, it was not love that terrified him, but his repeated loss of loved ones that terrified him.

So as much as I wanted to say those three words, I still didn't open my mouth.Instead, we ordered takeout for dinner and went to bed.It's been a day of emotional ups and downs, so it's perfect to end with crawling into bed and holding him in my arms.

But these three simple words kept me thinking about it all week.Every time I see him, touch him, talk to him, those three words linger.Right in the back of my mind, on the tip of my tongue, and then when I saw him on Thursday, I said it.

Isaac and I were standing in the kitchen after dinner, and I told him I had visited Mrs. Yao, as I had promised.I explained how I took the sapling and planted it in the garden with Mrs. Yao.I call it "Mr Beard's Memorial."

Isaac was silent, a little absent-minded.He walks over to me with his head down, grips my T-shirt tightly, and rests his forehead on my shoulder. "You're so kind," he murmured.

I stroked his hair, pulled him into my arms, and kissed the side of his head.He seemed to have something bothering him, something was going on in his mind.

Maybe it was the wrong timing and I shouldn't have said it, but I cupped his face in my hands and whispered, "I love you."

He froze.

I could see his chest heaving violently, and then he took a small step back.His mouth opened and closed, and for a moment I thought with joy that he was going to tell me he loved me too.

But he didn't.

"Oh."

That was his answer.oh.

"Carter, I—"

"It's okay, Isaac," I said softly, "it's okay if you don't love me. I just want you to know my heart."

He swallowed heavily, then shook his head and said, "I, uh, I... can't..."

he can not.I suddenly felt extremely stupid.How did I not expect this to come out?How could he love me if he didn't allow himself to love Brady?

"I should go," I said softly.I was embarrassed and, frankly, felt like I had been punched in the stomach and felt sick to my stomach. "I'll call you. I, uh... just give me a moment to adjust," I said, pulling my keys out of my pocket, and walking around him to the front door.

"Carter, please..."

"Come on," I told him.Don't make it worse between us.don't pity me.Don't tell me you never wanted to love me.Don't tell me you just want to be friends.Really don't. "Please don't. Of course you can't love me. I should have known that. Isaac, I...I'll call you." I said that again and left his house.

I'm actually not sure when I'm going to call him or what I'm going to say on the phone.I need a day or two to sort out what just happened, or I need a little time to lick my wounds.

I came home in a daze, with no appetite for dinner, so I took Missy for a walk, and then went to bed around midnight and stared at the wall until I didn't know what time it was until I finally fell asleep.I left for work early, and not long after, my phone rang in my pocket.

His name appeared on the screen.isaac.

But I can't pick it up.I'm not ready to hear him break up with me.I need more time.I know I'm not to blame him.It's not actually his fault.But I'm still blaming him, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I'm blaming him.It's easier than taking the blame on yourself.

Because if I hadn't said those three words, everything would still be perfect.

Unfortunately this is not the case.

Because now I know his heart.

By the time our last patient left, it was getting dark and I missed three calls from Isaac.He left three voice messages.The first was: "Carter, we need to talk. Please call me." The second was: "Carter, please." And the third was just a soft click to hang up.

So when I'm sitting behind my desk and my phone rings for the fourth time, I tap the screen, even though I don't really want to answer the call.I thought I'd see Isaac's name, but no.This is Hannah calling.

I pressed the answer button: "Hi, Hannah." My tone sounded cold, even to myself.

"Carter," she said with relief, "I'm starting to worry."

I smiled sadly, "I'm busy with work, sorry." Then I wondered if something happened to Brady, "Is Brady okay?"

"Brady's fine," she said, "but Isaac's not. What's the matter with you two?"

"What do you mean Isaac isn't well? Is he all right?"

"Physiologically, he's fine," she told me. "Well, as long as he doesn't take the wrong medicine himself."

I laughed with relief.She is really good at talking.

"But he's in a bad mood," she continued softly. "He won't tell me what happened. Carter, he never hid anything from me, and you don't answer his calls. So, he What did you do?"

I sighed, "It's not his fault."

"What did he do?" she asked again. "He looked dead, and you looked dead, and he was hiding in his room. I guess he was curled up on the bed, covering himself with the covers." .He smells like he's done something wrong."

I pressed the eyes with my thumb and index finger, then sighed, "I told him I love him."

Hannah was silent for a while: "Then?"

"And then it's gone, he doesn't love me." I said bluntly.

"Did he say that?"

"Uh, no," I admitted, "but he didn't have to say it. His expression said everything I needed to know."

"But he loves you, Carter," she said gravely. "He does. I know he really does."

"But that doesn't seem to be the case, Hannah. He said he couldn't do it," I said softly, "so thank you anyway, but I'm going to hang up."

"Please don't give up on him," she said almost desperately. "He is very scared and stubborn. If you want, I will drag him here to apologize to you."

Even though I was in a bad mood, I smiled. "Thank you, Hannah, but there's really no need for that. I don't think I'm ready to hear what he's going to say to me, but please tell him I'll call him in a day or two. I just need a little time , okay?" Then I added, "Thank you, Hannah, for everything you do."

When I got home, I took Missy for a walk as usual, ate something casually, and finally fell asleep due to lack of sleep the night before.

I'm not quite sure what to do for the weekend yet.It was supposed to rain on Saturday so I decided to go back to work, but Sunday was sunny and I was thinking I could try that hiking trail that Isaac had talked about earlier.

I left for work early on Saturday, did some paperwork, then cleaned out inventory, and didn't even glance at my phone until around lunchtime.No missed calls.No message.The one thing worse than Isaac calling me three times in a row is that Isaac never calls me again.

I dropped my phone on the table and picked up my sandwich, but quickly pushed it aside.My door stayed open, but Lanny knocked anyway.She smiled and said, "Are you okay?" She asked with concern.

I smiled at her: "Well, I'm fine."

She didn't look convinced.Instead of leaving, she walked into my office. "You look absent-minded and sad," she said cautiously. "I wonder if something has happened between you and Isaac Branigan?"

I fixed my eyes on her: "Why do you think so?"

She smiled knowingly: "Because he is in the waiting room now."

My eyes widened: "He's here?"

Lanny nodded with a smile: "He called the front desk earlier to ask if you were on duty today. I said you were not on duty, but you were in the hospital, and then asked him if he needed help from other doctors. He said no, and hung up Then he showed up at the hospital and he said he wasn't in the emergency room and that Brady was fine but he wanted to talk to you." Then she smiled sadly, "You really should go see Him. He, uh, that, he... You know it's raining, right?"

"Of course," I replied, though I wasn't sure what she meant.I still haven't recovered from the news of Isaac's visit to the clinic.Damn.He is here.He couldn't wait.I've never felt more uneasy than now.I sighed and stood up. "Thanks, Lanny."

"If you want to be private, I can bring him here, to your office?" she asked, as if she knew it was a private visit and that she had nothing to do with the relationship between two men. don't care.

I thought about where I wanted to have this conversation, but realized it didn't really matter. "It's all right. I can go see him."

I was walking down the corridor, ready to tell him to stop bothering him, I wouldn't bother him again, and then I saw him.He's just sitting there, in the waiting room, with Brady at his feet, and they're both drenched.

Oh my God.My heart suddenly tightened. "Isaac?"

He turned his head in the direction of my voice and stood up.

"You're soaking wet!"

"It's raining outside," he said. "I'm on the bus, so I have to get off and walk a block."

Lanny sighed next to me, with a spoiled expression on her face.I shook my head at the elusive man, walked over to him, and put his hand on mine. "This way." With that said, I led him into the consulting room.

As soon as the door closed behind us, I confronted him: "What the hell are you thinking?!"

He flinched from my tone: "You don't answer my call."

"It's raining and cold outside, Isaac," I pointed out the obvious, "why don't you let Hannah drive you?"

He shrugged: "We had a fight."

I sighed, ruffled my hair, then shook my head and went to the shelf to grab some towels.And he just stood there, wet, looking restrained and vulnerable.I walked back to him, slowly removed his sunglasses, dried his face, and toweled his hair.And he let me do it.Usually he's adamant about proving his independence, but he just stood there while I dried him off.

But then he shivered.

"I have to take you home. You're freezing," I told him.Then I looked at the same wet Brady. "Both of you." I dry Brady as well as I can, and when I'm done I hand him back Isaac's sunglasses.

He put the sunglasses back on the examination table, then took my arm and looked at me with his invisible blue eyes. "Carter, please stop doing these things."

"It's okay, Isaac," I said weakly. "I shouldn't have said anything about that night. I'm sorry I ruined everything."

"What?" he asked, "No, Carter, it's not like that, don't apologize. I'm the one who needs to. I reacted badly, I wish I could take everything back. I wish it could be remedied. He shook his head. "Hannah told me she'd talked to you, and your answer sounded like a goodbye. And then she gave me the blood for being so mean to you."

Oh, this is really worse. "So you're here now because Hannah is putting pressure on you?"

"No!" he cried. "Well, she said a lot of hard things, but she was right, and I'm sorry, Carter. I never meant to hurt you. That's the last thing I want to do." .You have to trust me. It's been tough for me, but I'm trying," he said incoherently, on the verge of losing his mind. "I wish we could go back to that moment and do it all over again." His clear blue eyes filled with tears. "I can only come to where you work. I know it's not professional, but I've never been to you Home. I can't find it by myself and you won't answer my calls. I'm afraid I'm going to lose you."

My heart sank. "Isaac, I told you I love you," I whispered, "and you rejected me. So what am I supposed to think?"

His tears rolled down his cheeks: "You can think I'm scared. Think I don't want to lose you. Think you're the best thing that ever happened to me." He dropped his head and shrugged, "Think me too Love you."

"what?"

"Can you say that again?" he asked.

I shook my head: "Say what again?"

"Tell me you love me," he said, wiping the tears off his face with his hands, ignoring my question, "Say it again, just like you said that night."

I shook my head, "Isaac, I don't think that's a good idea." I didn't think my heart could take it.

He frowned: "Please?" He reached out to me, stroked my cheek, then touched my palm along my arm, took my hand and put it on his face.His hands were shaking. "We were like this, and then you kissed my forehead," he said, closing his eyes, fresh tears hanging on his lashes. "I beg you."

I leaned forward, closed my eyes, and pressed my lips to his forehead.

He said in a breathy voice: "Then you tell me you love me."

"Isaac..."

"Please..." His voice was barely audible, his hands gripped me tightly, as if he was afraid that I would run away, "Say it again. I want to fix this mistake."

Even though my heart tells me not to, I think I have nothing left to lose.So I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and murmured those three words again: "I love you."

And he finally recovered his breath, almost out of breath, and then he leaned against me and buried his face in my neck: "I love you too."

"Isaac?" I whispered, pulling him away and looking into his face.

His eyes still closed, his forehead against mine, and he murmured, "I love you," again, "I'm so sorry. I'm really, really sorry."

I blinked, feeling dizzy for a while.

"That's what I should have said the first time," he said, his eyes red and watery, sadness etched into his face. "I should have told you then. I shouldn't have been so scared, but I was. In fact I still am. I'm sorry I hurt you."

I cupped his face, pressed my lips to his, and responded with a gentle kiss.He gasped, but kissed me back, and then pulled back just a little so he could wrap his arms around me and hug me.

And when I put my arms in his jacket and hugged him, I could feel how wet and cold he was, shivering in my warm embrace. "Isaac," I said, leaving his embrace. "We'll talk about this later, but for now, I'm going to take you home."

He was still shaking, but nodded anyway.I hand him the shades back, grab Brady's leash, pat the well-behaved dog, toss the wet towel into the dirty linen changing basket, and walk him out of the room.Lanny laughed happily as Isaac came out holding my arm, and I told her I was taking Isaac and Brady home now.

I left Isaac under the awning so I could put Brady in the back of my jeep first, and then, when I ran back in the rain to pick Isaac up, I was basically done with them Almost wet.I turned up the air conditioner, and instead of sending them back to Isaac's house, I took them back to mine.

"Why are we going to your house?" Isaac asked me. "We've never been to your house."

So I told him, "Because I have a fireplace with a fire and Brady needs to warm up."

"Oh," Isaac said, trying to hide the chatter of his teeth.Then he asked softly: "It should be all right?"

"I promise it'll be all right," I told him.

"I didn't realize it was this cold before."

"Isaac, it's almost winter now!"

"I know," he said, shaking his head, "I just can't care. I have to talk to you, so I can't care about anything."

I sighed as I parked the car in front of my house. "Come on, I'll take you into the house."

I took Isaac's arm and led him up the front steps of my house. "There are six steps here," I told him, "and then there's a small porch and another step inside. It's a small bungalow-style house," I added, hoping to make him more aware of the place he was in. The place has a little image feeling.

I opened the door, and Missy ran out to meet us, apparently more eager to see Brady than me.As I led Isaac into the front hall, I explained, "I'll take you in the shower to warm up, and then while you're in the shower, I'll light Brady's fire."

My bathroom is small compared to Isaac's.I showed him where the various items were placed, first the toilet, then the shower. "The faucet is at twelve o'clock, and the soap is at nine o'clock. When you come out of the wash, your towel is hanging on the armrest." I took his hand and showed him, "I'm in the front hall Then, if you need anything, just call me."

He kicked off his shoes, and I took his shoes and jacket to dry by the fire.His clothes were all soaked, so I added, "I'll get you some change. I'll put them on the counter."

"Okay," he said softly, "thank you, Carter."

I help him turn on the tap and let the hot water pour down.I pecked his lips: "You're welcome."

***

I had put on dry clothes and had a fire built when Isaac called to me.I went into the bathroom and smiled.I gave him one of my old sweatpants and baggy sweatshirt, and I must admit, I enjoyed seeing him in those.

I took his hand and led him into the living room. "The dogs have taken the sweet spot in front of the fire," I told him, "so we'll just sit on the couch."

When we sat down, Isaac turned his face toward the fire, apparently to feel the warmth on his skin, to hear the sound of the fire, or the rain, in this strange house.Or maybe both. "How's Brady?"

"It's fine. Almost asleep," I reassure him. "I think it just wants to see you before it closes its eyes."

Isaac nodded, but said nothing.He fidgets a little, then he clears his throat: "So you, um, want to talk?"

"Yeah, I think we need to talk," I told him.I took a deep breath. "Isaac, let me tell you straight, I was hurt. It wasn't easy for me to tell you what was on my mind."

"I know, I'm sorry," he had said a dozen or so times.

"Stop apologizing," I told him, "I know you didn't mean to."

His voice was so soft that I could barely hear what he said. "Has your mind still not changed?"

I laughed out loud, then took his hand, put it on my lips and kissed: "You fool, of course my heart has not changed. I am not the kind of person who falls in love every day, as long as you want, We'll be together."

He smiled sadly: "I don't want you to leave me."

I put one leg around him, adjusting our position so that he can sit between my legs and I can hold him in my arms: "Then don't say no to me."

He snuggled into my arms, hugged me tightly, and was silent for a while.Then I asked him if it was warm enough now.

"Yes, thank you." He nodded, then sat up straight out of my arms, "Carter, can I ask you something?"

"of course."

"Please don't ignore my calls," he said with his head down, and he swallowed heavily, "If you're mad at me, pick up the phone and tell me, yell at me, tell me I'm an asshole , or whatever." Then he added softly, "Lack of sight is bad enough, and silence would overwhelm me."

Oh, Isaac. "I'm sorry," I said to him sincerely, "I didn't think of this. I didn't answer your call because I didn't want to hear you say goodbye to me." I hugged him and kissed him, "I I still can't believe that you came to me in the rain."

"I'm trying, Carter," he said softly. "I'm really trying. I've never been through this before, and it's hard to take. You know why..." He sighed sadly." But I want to love you. I want it as much as it scares me."

"I want you to love me too."

He took my face in his hands and kissed me slowly and tenderly.This kiss was different from the previous ones, more compassionate and solemn.And I know this is it.i want him.I want him to know how much I love him.

I cupped his face and whispered against his lips, "Isaac, I want to take you to bed."

He knew exactly what I meant, he took a sharp breath, and nodded. "OK."

I led him to my room and slowly helped him to lie on my bed.I climbed on top of him, between his legs, and pressed against him.Then I kissed him and kissed him with all my heart.I wrap my arms around him, pushing my crotch against his crotch, tongue entangled with his.

Soon he was writhing and begging, and when I stripped him and got him ready, I asked him one last time if this was what he wanted.His hand caressed the side of my face, and he nodded.

"bring it on."

I leaned down to him, lifted his legs up, opened them, and stroked his face and kissed him: "If I hurt you, just tell me."

Then I pushed myself into him slowly, very slowly.It was so soft there, so tight, and it felt so ecstatic.

He gasped, digging at my skin with his fingertips, his eyes closed tightly, and then he moaned, "Oh fuck."

I caressed his face, trying not to go in too fast, too deep. "How are you?"

He nodded again, gasping. "Yeah, Carter. Oh, my God," he gasped, and licked me hard with his fingers.

Then I started moving, sinking as far as I could, which made him gasp and moan.I put my weight on one hand and take his cock with the other, pressing him deeply as I caress and squeeze him.

I want him to feel comfortable and make his first time feel good.I want him to know how good it feels and how good I can make him feel.I wanted his body to be familiar with mine, to feel me pressing down on him, deep inside him.I wanted to give him a wonderful experience that he never had.

My fingers are still wrapped around his long and thick, while leaning over to kiss his lips, his neck.I whispered sweet words in his ear, and my hot breath made him shudder and moan.I want to possess him, to hug him.I want him to feel everything.I worship his body devoutly with my lips, my hands, and my penis.

So his body reached the limit it could bear.He lifted his hips, opened his mouth wide in a silent cry, his invisible blue eyes widened, and he came.

His whole body was trembling beneath me, and the part of me buried deep inside him could feel his trembling too.I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight as he was swept by waves of pleasure, his orgasm making us both aroused.

The pleasure was so strong, so pure, that it penetrated my limbs, and the cum poured out, filling the condom buried deep inside him.I lost consciousness of the outside world and could only feel him, his body, and his arms around me.He was drawing circles with his fingers on my back when I returned to my body.

I tried to pull him away, but his arms were tight around me like he didn't want me to leave.So I held him for a long time, entangled with each other, no one spoke, just caressed each other with soft lips and fingers.

Finally, I asked him, "Are you okay?"

He nodded and I could feel him smiling in the crook of my neck. "great."

"How about we clean up and order some pizza and sit in front of the fire tonight?"

"Sounds great."