give you a soft spot

The last time I hugged my mother and cried bitterly was when I came out to her in the third year of junior high school. She didn't beat me or scold me, she just cried hard with me.

It is not easy to pull me alone, all the seemingly easy things are her pretending to be effortless, I have never noticed these problems before, until I cried hysterically that night, I realized that she is old and has white hair, There are wrinkles, just like I was blind before, and suddenly seeing all the traces of the ruthless years on her body, I resent myself for ignoring her.

This woman always instinctively protects me under her wings when I'm vulnerable without even thinking about it.In the past 24 years of my life, I was really happy to have her guarding me.

In the humid and cool air at the crossroads that night, I started to want to be her hero while my tears flowed down my cheeks.

After deciding to save himself by himself, he began to normalize his life.The easiest thing is to eat and sleep on time, and the hardest thing is to reconnect with the outside world. No matter it is simple or difficult, I am doing it seriously.

After returning to the Internet, I deliberately searched for what Yuan Miao asked at the dinner party that I didn't know about the deletion of Xi Zhuo's program recording.

The final part of that reality show was a quick question and answer, and one of the questions asked him if he already had a crush.

The conditioned reflex brought out by the urgency of time, he nodded and said yes.

It was this section that was recorded and passed on by unknown people present, but after the main film was broadcast, the scenes that should have been completely cut out, causing an uproar.

For this incident, Xi Zhuo Studio did not give any explanation. The whole behind-the-scenes team made a mistake to cover up. Many fans began to believe that Xi Boss really has someone he likes.For a while, good wishes, bitter jealousy and bold suspicions were noisy on the Internet and then gradually subsided.

At that time, Xi Zhuo nodded after listening to the question without thinking. I guess he thought of me because he forgot to look at the manager's face.

I completely missed it and swiped the outdated webpage afterwards. I was not happy that he still loved me behind the back of the whole world after we separated, and I was not sad that we could not love blatantly. My heart was unexpectedly peaceful.

Unreservedly speaking, when I was in the dark, I hoped that someone would come to save me without hesitation. I had prayed countless times that he would be Xi Zhuo, imagining that he would find me desperately after knowing what happened, regardless of the consequences. Explain the matter clearly, wipe away all my forced grievances and embarrassments, and gently wipe away my tears.

But it’s useless to deceive yourself and others. I’m like the shell that was washed ashore by the waves. From now on, whether I’m buried in the dark sand or picked up and made into decorations has nothing to do with the sea that never returns. up.

I finally realized the fact that I really have nothing to do with Xi Zhuo.

Even if he still sends messages to my number with no reply, even if I still miss him in a dark way.

But I know that all the unconnected thoughts and longings between me and him will be exhausted sooner or later.He will continue to be a male god whose popularity will only increase, and I will continue to be a down-to-earth ordinary person. We will eventually return to the position of idols and fans.

However, I admit that it was an honor for me to have eye-to-eye contact with him.If I could start over, I would still choose to be with him. Even if the final outcome is separation, I would never regret it.

Compromise after struggling to no avail is sad, and I am afraid it will be even more tragic. My rationality defeated my stubbornness without even struggling, and I attributed everything to the unchangeable past that I can only miss.

I confessed to my mother about my resignation. I said it crudely, to the effect that I didn’t want to work there anymore. She didn’t ask any further questions, and the tone of unconditional support gave me full motivation.

As if I had given myself a long vacation, I recuperated at home for a whole month, living more recklessly than when I was a student.But even though he was smiling and enjoying himself, he still felt that something was vaguely missing in his heart, and he couldn't tell what it was.

I will also pay attention to the news of Xi Zhuo from all walks of life, but not so frequently, for fear that I will not be able to restrain my wild thoughts.

And every time I see him, I know I'm dreaming again.He came to my dream more than once, kissed me, touched me, it felt very real.

I'm afraid it's only in a half-asleep dream that I dare to indulge myself into his arms, greedy for his breath.

Once I got up to go to the bathroom at night, and when I went back to bed, I couldn’t sleep anymore. I put headphones in my ears and listened to music. The song by Chief Zhuo was just the prelude. From the drawer, I took out the old mobile phone card that hadn't been touched for some time and replaced it.

Coincidentally, as soon as I turned it on, a call came in, and the eye-catching caller ID stings my eyes.

I didn't care whether it was a coincidence or Xi Zhuo called me every night. The first feeling was joy, glad that he didn't give up and was still trying to contact me.Then fell into endless sadness because I couldn't pick up.

I don't know where the cruelty came from, I just watched the phone turn on and off over and over again in such a quiet manner, even thinking that he was only close to me when he kept making calls.

Se-joo stops after typing more than a dozen times and replaces it with a text message.

"Cheng Ming, answer the phone, I have something to tell you."

"I beg you, answer the phone, okay?"

"Are you there right? You answer the phone or reply to my text messages. I'm worried about you."

"I miss you, where are you?"

......

He stands where I can always see him, but he can't find me.That night was the penultimate day of September, and I cried all night.

I never changed the SIM card again, because I was terrified by the heart-piercing feeling of helplessness.

I understand more deeply that I have to get busy to completely drive away all the negative emotions that can collapse at any time.

At the beginning of October, after I decided to open a clothing studio, I dug out all the manuscripts in the past few years and told Bi Gong about my plan. He agreed with my idea and threatened to take a share.

In order to better and more truly understand the chain operation system of online clothing sales, I contacted Yunshang Watermelon, and then went to the city where he was located amidst the overcrowding during the long holiday.

I have been cooperating with Yunshang Xigua's team since college, and I have had an online friendship with him for four or five years. The name of his studio is the most recorded in my bank card.We have never met each other, and we have never even sent a voice message. We communicate only by code words. I have always assumed that he is a man, but I didn't expect him to be a girl.

She was also a little surprised when she saw me: "Wow, I thought you would be the kind of dick who stares at the computer all day long, but you are so generous, fresh and handsome."

I smiled and asked if you had any misunderstandings about fashion designers.

She laughed loudly: "Because of you, from now on, I will be full of handsome men and beautiful women in this profession. You have raised the image of your entire profession, and you are allowed to be proud."