you are the minutiae of the world

I'm Du Chen, and everyone around me says I'm crazy.

They say I'm crazy, I've lost my life for a man who counts for nothing.

When a sentence is said in my ear many times, I will start to doubt whether I am really crazy. I think over and over whether the little time I spent with Wang Jin when I was young is enough for me to cherish for the rest of my life.

I don't know if anyone has that kind of experience, that kind of experience of being unable to sleep all night after repeated thinking. I have had it too many times. For this reason, I have taken sleeping pills for a long time.The medicine is actually effective, it does give me a short period of peace and sleep, but I still can't sleep well, I always see those young eyes in my dreams, Wang Jin's eyes, in a dark bar Shining seductively, he approached me with an intoxicating smell of alcohol, his breath sprayed on my face, I could feel the temperature of his hot skin, my heart skipped a beat.

But such beauty cannot last. In the depths of the beautiful dream, those eyes went from bewildered to shocked, and then to despair.

He just looked directly at me through the phone camera, and then he stared at me in the video for a long time.

I once thought that I might be crazy. I have seen many psychologists and psychiatrists abroad.Every visit, they told me a lot, they taught me a lot of methods, they think I need to rationalize my own emotions, I need to divert my attention, I need medication, or hypnosis.I can understand that every method of theirs is to make me let go of that person and forget about that person.They say that these are just an emotional experience, they are all excellent, but I don’t want to, even if I know that this emotion for Wang Jin is not correct, it can’t even be defined, is it love?Or just guilty, or not reconciled.

I don't know, I can't tell, I just have a strong desire to meet this person.

A doctor told me that time will heal everything, I waited for a year, two years, three years... I was not cured, I still wanted to see him, so I gave up everything and went back to my country, but I did not find him, He disappeared, but the stories about him in that school did not disappear with his disappearance, it was in the mouths, pens and eyes of students and teachers.They described Wang Jin in the most ordinary and understated language, they didn't know that they were unconsciously exuding evil.

I fell into a daze and guilt, and I was trying to integrate into a normal life. Not long after, my mother passed away, and I stood beside her, wanting to cry, but there were no tears. I heard footsteps behind me, and I turned my head , my father, whom I hadn’t seen for a long time, came slowly, his eyes were sad, and he stopped by my side, without taking a step forward.

There is no love between father and mother, this is something I only know when I grow up, they are together just because they are suitable, and then I have me, my mother is an ordinary woman, and being with the dazzling father is even more obvious Mediocrity, and then my father and Liu Ping got together, my father filed for divorce, my mother refused, so my father never went home, my mother was disheartened, jumped off a building, fell into a vegetable state, and lay there for many years until she died Didn't wake up.

In front of my mother's tombstone, I asked my father if he regretted it. My father was silent for a long time, shaking his head, and he said: "Maybe one day you will understand that there is someone you can't let go of, even if you pay the price of your life. For you, for your mother, I can only pay it back in my next life." He paused: "Maybe there is no next life, and people like me can only atone in hell."

The same thing, I heard it when I was in my teens, and I only felt disgusted at that time, but now I feel that I can vaguely understand him.

It wasn't until I met Wang Jin that I deeply realized that I was indeed my father's seed, and I had the same madness and paranoia as him in my bones.

I put Wang Jin under house arrest, and I tried my best to make up for it. Maybe, time can heal everything?Just like I don't hate my father as much now as I did before...

I watched the distance between me and him gradually shorten, and the sunflower fields in the villa made him laugh again. I thought life was full of hope.

But he still chose to leave. He sat in front of me, but he no longer wanted to look at me.

I finally touched him, warm, sticky, and stained with donated blood.

His eyes looked at the sky outside the barred window.

I let him go, at the very end, I still selfishly hoped that he would die after me, the pain of loss, I don't want to taste it a second time.

I think those emotions in front of me are too small and short compared to the long life, but they have taken root in my heart, and they grow in every day, I have cut off the seedlings that emerge from them countless times, but it is difficult Pull out the raging root system in the heart.

Perhaps unconsciously, I have made my enemy.