you are the minutiae of the world

For several years, I didn't want to recall that day. It was a nightmare. Every time I touched it, it would bring me back to the abyss. Until recently, I was able to let it go slowly, maybe because it really passed too long , or maybe I'm about to let go.

That day, I prepared everything, and called Du Chen shyly and nervously with the phone in the hotel room. It took almost all my courage to make this call when I was young.

It took a long time for the phone to be picked up. I heard the noisy voice on the other end of the phone, but because I was nervous, I didn't distinguish those voices. Now that I think about it, if I listen carefully, I can hear the clearly distinguishable voice on the phone. broadcast sound.

"Du Chen," I took a deep breath and said slowly, "I want to see you, I...I have a gift for you."

"What gift?" His voice was a little indifferent, but I didn't hear it because I was immersed in the romance I created. Even if I heard it, I automatically ignored it. Hurry over, you speak first."

I was a little disappointed, but more, I was discouraged. I couldn't control my emotions. I forgot to keep it secret and to surprise him. I told him loudly, and the voice even contained some pleadings that I didn't notice: " I want...I want...to send myself to you...Is this the distance you mentioned? Is this the safest distance between lovers? Du Chen..." I swallowed Drooling, almost unable to open his mouth in embarrassment: "Will you come?"

There was silence for a long time, and my heart also lifted into the air.

I seem to hear laughter over there, the voice is very soft and faint, and I can't hear the emotion inside.

"The address," he said, "someone will come to it."

I was too nervous to catch what he said.

I put on the underwear I bought in a sex shop in shame, I learned how to clean up after online tutorials, I changed into a nightgown from the hotel, I put the things I bought carefully by the pillow, and I put love letters and flowers on the table. On the bed, I stood at the head of the bed and looked at them, thinking they were really beautiful.

I sat on the side of the bed, staring at him expectantly and apprehensively.

I took countless deep breaths, trying to relieve my nervousness, but found that I was still so nervous, and my fingers folded and opened, just like my entangled and restless heart now.

The doorbell rang.

I jumped up from the bed like a frightened bird. I couldn't hide my joy. I took a deep breath, patted my face, and almost walked to the door with my hands and feet. I slowly opened the door.

It's not Du Chen outside the door.

There are many people outside the door, my teacher and classmates.

Many of those classmates were friends of Du Chen, and they were recording with their mobile phones.

My face turned pale, and my head was buzzing.

I took a few steps back, hastily and fearfully trying to cover what was behind me.

But it was too late, they could not be hidden, I heard them talking, they rushed in swarms, some came up to grab me, the straps of the bathrobe were torn apart between pushing and shoving.

"Wang Jin, why are you so shameless! Look at what you are doing!"

"Tsk tsk tsk, so exciting! Gay! I can't see it, so you usually follow Du Chen like a pug, that's what it means! Come, come, don't hide, let me pat your face, Don't stop, what are you afraid of after doing everything?"

"Fuck, look at what he's wearing! ****! It's disgusting!"

.......

I couldn't shed tears. After the extreme fear and shame, I was only numb and dazed. I was pushed to the foot of the bed by them. I couldn't stand up. I knelt on the ground and asked them in a daze: "Why didn't Du Chen come?" ah."

"Du Chen is going to study abroad today," I heard the teacher's angry voice: "If he hadn't called to say that you skipped class and did something stupid in a hotel, let's take a look...Wang Jin, look at you This is how you are now! How can you be worthy of the person who helped you, how can you be worthy of the person who helped you to study!"

"Going abroad?" I murmured, "He never said so, why didn't I know?"

"How could I let you know," the boy holding the phone sneered, "Du Chen annoys you to death, but you still pester him. If it weren't for his good temper, someone else would have scolded you a long time ago, Wang Jin, Why are you so shameless?"

I looked up, looked at him, looked at the lens of his mobile phone, not knowing what expression to put on, nor what expression I was at the moment.

I stood up on the bed, picked up the clothes I put aside, and changed in front of them.

They saw the full extent of what I was wearing under my bathrobe, and the expressions on their faces were unique in their own way.

I didn't look at them one by one, and I didn't feel shy about it. Anyway, at this moment, I was in front of them, and it didn't make any difference whether I wore it or not.

I'm not only a joke, I'm a scumbag.

But I don't understand, I don't understand why this happened.

I changed my clothes and walked outside. I heard someone calling me inside, but I didn't turn my head back: "What's the matter, let's talk about it tomorrow." I'm so tired, I want to calm down.

I rushed to the street, I left those love letters and flowers, I found many shops, but now there are few payphones, I had to ask passers-by for help, I borrowed their phones, and called Du Chen over and over again. Call up.

None connected.

The next day, I arrived at school on time.

From the moment I stepped into the school, the whispers around me have not stopped. I heard them say they saw the video. I heard them discuss the content of the love letter. I heard that the love letter I poured my heart into was rejected. It was circulated on campus like a leaflet, judged and ridiculed by them.I just realized that my deeds have been spread throughout the school.

I didn't argue, the teacher called me into the office and talked to me about my expulsion.

I nodded silently, respecting any decision made by the school.

I packed my few luggage and walked on the road alone. It was raining that day. I was in a trance and was about to cross the road when I was hit by a speeding car.

I fell into a pool of blood and lost feeling in my legs. Before I could breathe out the pain, I also passed out.

When I woke up, my right leg was gone. In the middle of the night, I looked at my empty right leg and moaned silently. I didn’t dare to make a sound. I was afraid of disturbing other sleeping patients, but I was really uncomfortable. I couldn’t cry. Come out, even if I retch in pain, I can't cry, I don't know what's wrong with me.

The driver who caused the accident was responsible for all my medical expenses. I did not ask him for extra compensation. After the college entrance examination, I was discharged from the hospital after completing the discharge procedures. At that time, I was already able to use crutches proficiently. In the countryside, I walked all the way from the hospital in the city to the seaside in the suburbs with a cane.

It was already late at night, and the wind could feel the wetness and saltiness of the sea breeze on my face.

The armpit I use to support the crutches hurts so much. I walked all the way with the crutches, and they have been worn out to the blood, but this pain did not make me feel much. I still firmly moved towards the Walk in the middle of the sea.

I walked farther and farther, and slowly disappeared into the sea in the dark night. I lost my strength and threw away my crutches.

Sea water choked into my nose, mouth and chest.

I couldn't open my eyes, I was really uncomfortable, and slowly I felt relieved again.

I felt like I was about to lose consciousness. In the blur, I remembered Du Chen's smile, and I felt so ridiculous.

I was saved.

They were a couple in their 30s. They pulled me out of the sea with difficulty, oppressed my chest, and made me cough up the sea.

I woke up slowly, I was lying on the beach, unable to get up, and they were relieved to see that I was awake.

"Son, we'll take you to the hospital." They held me up.

I shook my head silently, and softly refused: "Why are you doing this, why are you meddling in your own business?"

"Son, what hurdles in this world can't be overcome and you have to seek death, you are still so young," they persuaded me earnestly: "Even if you lose a leg, you will have everything when you are alive, right?"

They thought I was just missing a leg.

I put my hands behind my back, looked at the sky without a single star, and said numbly, "Do you know that the only thing I can have in this world is to decide how I will die."

They were silent for a long time, the man sat next to me, and said after a long time: "Since you are not afraid of death, why don't you live to see how indifferent this world can be."

I turned my head and looked at his bearded face blankly.

Later I found out that they are self-driving travelers, and a car is enough for them to see the world. They said they want to go around and see what else in the world they can't think of.

I begged them to take me out of the city.

I settled down in a small town far away from that city. When we parted, they hugged me. We didn’t hold back, we didn’t leave each other’s contact information, and we left each other. I entered a factory and became an assembly line Many workers do repetitive and boring work for many years.

Here I am, concentrating on my work and rarely talking. One day, I suddenly found that I can no longer get along with people normally. I can’t touch others. That would make me tense, painful and anxious. Keep a safe distance from everyone.

I can no longer feel human warmth.

I was not dazed or afraid, I just simply accepted it and let it take its course. For me, life and death are just two states.

Later, I worked in this factory for many years and earned a lot of money. I anonymously sent half of it to the people who helped me back then. This is what I owed them. The rest of the money I put on artificial limbs, and then, I just resigned.

This is my story, a simple tragedy with no highlights.

What I didn't expect was that this story was going to end in a boring way but I still had to meet him.