tell me

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.

The earth was empty and void, the face of the deep was dark, and the Spirit of God moved on the water.

God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

God sees that light is good, and separates light from darkness.

--"Bible"

My birth was a mistake.

In fact, I should have realized this earlier.

Starting from the name, my scribbled life seems to have been fixed.

Lu is the surname, Ke is the generation of the family tree, and Yin is the year of the tiger, so it doesn't take much effort.

But maybe I should be lucky?Otherwise, I would be Lu Ke.

Not bad either.

I've lived in the same neighborhood since I was born.The community has been refurbished, and I have moved from one building to another, but it is still the same community.

My kindergarten is opposite my high school, and my elementary school is opposite my junior high school. The distance between the kindergarten and the elementary school is less than 1000 meters, and it is only a matter of turning left and right at the intersection.

My favorite thing to do in junior high school is to stand in the aisle and watch my elementary school; my favorite thing to do in high school is to lean on the window sill to watch my kindergarten.

Nothing to see, I know.

But just want to see.

Being in a daze is always more interesting than the fuss and noise around you.

Sociable, it's boring.

I often stay at school very late, and only take the bus home when it gets dark.

The bus needs to be transferred once. When you are lucky, it only takes five to 10 minutes. When you are unlucky, it takes an hour and a half.

I've mispoken.

When you are unlucky, it only takes five to 10 minutes, and when you are lucky, it takes an hour and a half.

I like to sit in the last row by the window and take the other with my schoolbag.

The windows will be opened to one-third of the position, regardless of spring, summer, autumn and winter.

When I got home, no surprises, the food was already cold.

The woman who wore gold and silver even at home, sat on the sofa gracefully as usual, and asked gracefully as usual why she came back so late.

When I said I was reading at school, she nodded knowingly.

But I know that even if I don't say it, she won't care about anything.

After all, at the dinner table, I will always be alone.

In the evening, the mourning sounded as usual, just like the poodle next door would inevitably bark at ten o'clock.

But did he call first, or did she call first?

Or is it him?

I can't figure it out either.

But one thing is for sure, no one will stop this farce.

The same goes for the people in the play.

I can't understand why some people can regard wealth as their life, and I can't understand why some people can regard their career as their son.

Then what am I?

An item planned to please a dying old man?

The greatest value is just to be shown off by a woman who doesn't love me.

But she never knew that the only reason for my hard work was because she said "my son" when she called.

It's also humble enough.

Forget it, it doesn't matter, let's live.

Money can't buy happiness, it's not worth it in the world.

I already knew this.

I look at the shapes and colors of this world, but the shapes and colors do not change because of me.

In her sophomore year of high school, that woman went crazy.

She wants to kill me.

I didn't want to hide at first, thinking that maybe it would be good to die.

But I didn't expect it to hurt that much.

The pain made the world brighten up.

So I pinned her to the ground and cut her arteries.

I can't explain how I felt at that time, I just feel the blood rushing.

I thought I had found a way to live.

I started skipping school, learned to smoke and drink, dyed my hair and got tattoos.

He also began to fight in the streets and alleys, and slept next to the greasy soft seat of the Internet cafe, and did not return all night.

I also started to learn to make friends.

Although it is more appropriate to use cliques.

But anyway, those were my first "friends", a group of "friends" who greeted me warmly no matter how indifferently I treated them.

And the more hostile it is, the more they like it; the more cruel and violent it is, the more they worship it.

I enjoyed the feeling of being admired, and I once had the illusion of happiness.

I feel more and more that this is the life I should live.

They agreed that if you have money, you can earn it together, and if you have difficulties, you can bear it together. They don't want to be born in the same year, the same month, and the same day, but they want to die in the same year, the same month, and the same day.

The same old rhetoric.

I squatted on the oil-stained tin bucket in the dark alley, sucking a 12-yuan pack of red Nanjing, laughing at them secretly.

I dare not admit that I am also thinking silently in my heart.

In a fight half a year later, someone lost.

They stabbed people.

The youngest son of the Deputy Commissioner of the City Police Department.

The one who stabbed someone was the eldest brother among the brothers. He was from a wealthy family and generously donated money.On weekdays, there are many younger brothers who claim to rely on him and go up the mountain of swords and down the sea of ​​fire for him.

But when the confession was recorded, no one jumped out to take responsibility, instead they all pointed the finger at the elder brother.

loyalty.

Really generous.

I was suddenly glad that I didn't express my opinion, otherwise I would be a fool.

Wishful thinking again.

No one would take it seriously at all, would they?

All the same.

all.

Later, the eldest brother was released on bail.

The power of capital and the complex network of interpersonal relationships made others act as substitutes for him.

Those who betrayed him ended badly.

From then on, I knew the importance of money and power.

It never depends on how you use it, but only on whether you have it or not.

I missed the college entrance examination, and I started to repeat it.

Fortunately, his grades were good and he was admitted to a well-known university in the country.

I already know that there is no such thing as sincerity in the world, and disobedience and hypocrisy can make everyone easier.

It can also make people popular.

I started to practice my smile in front of the mirror, watched variety shows to learn speaking skills, and checked Weibo to see what people liked.

It's just that there is still a pack of cigarettes and a lighter in his pocket, no one knows.

Gradually, I found that I seemed to be acting well.

Another group of "friends" gathered around, chatted with me, and told each other their hearts.

It seems that there are some differences from before.

But is it really different?

I can't believe it.

I don't want to believe it anymore.

After acting for a semester, I became more and more proficient, and I seemed to be able to chat with anyone, and more and more people gathered around me.

Familiar girls confessed to me, quite a few, and they all said they liked me.

But... like?

What kind of emotion is liking?

Can it make people happy, like I used to hear "my son"?

I became curious about the so-called "like" in their mouths, so I agreed.

Looking forward to it?

Actually a little bit.

I really, really, really, really want to know what it feels like to be loved.

"Like" is a very simple two-syllable word. If you say it, you like it, then I can say it ten thousand times.

But it's weird.

What does the real "like" mean to me and to them?

Are you texting me all the time?

Do you often let me go shopping with them on a date?

Does acting like a baby at me and calling me dear can be called liking?

But as soon as I saw their yearning eyes for luxury goods, I couldn't restrain my nausea.

Someone pulled me to open a room, and I went.

She was very active, she rubbed me, pressed her snow-white breasts on her own initiative, and breathed out a charming voice.

I did react, and my body was extremely aroused, urging me to find a place to stab it quickly.

But I can't.

I thought of Qi Hongxia.

I feel sick.

"Lu Yinke is a scumbag."

"Impotence."

"He won't love."

Words like these were thrown at me, gradually flooding the top of my head.

I sank to the bottom of the sea, but I just wanted to sleep peacefully.

I'm a little tired.

Actually, I think they are right.

No matter how I pretend, disgust is disgust, and reluctantly is reluctant.

A scumbag is a scumbag.

But their liking for me is just a product of dopamine secretion, blinding their eyes for a while, maybe it is the same for everyone.

And I just want to find the only one, and I don't even need to start by liking me.

But can I really find it?

A person like me who is vicious and hypocritical, who has weak emotions and doesn't know how to love?

Forget it, how is it possible.

Really stop dreaming.

Probably, in my whole life, I can't understand "like" and "love".

To me, that's just too much of a luxury.

Maybe I wasn't born to be loved.

My birth was a mistake.