twenty-sided dice

"Distribute the test paper now, please fill in the name and test number inside the broken line. Be careful, don't write beyond the broken line! Again, don't write beyond the broken line, otherwise the test paper will be invalid!"

I copied my name stroke by stroke according to the admission ticket—fortunately it was written on the certificate, otherwise I wasn't sure I could get it right.The thing attached to the end of the arm was terribly stiff, wet and cold, and I really didn't want to admit it was my hand.

The invigilator asked us to put down our pens, not to turn over the test papers, and wait for him to officially announce the start.The thin rope of paper gradually calmed down. Someone cleared his throat, but was stopped in the middle by the harsh sound he made, which made everyone's throat feel a little sticky.

I swallowed hard.No on-the-spot fever and illness, no traffic jams and being late, no forgetting to bring documents, stationery and watches...

Finally, I muttered that question silently for the last time.

"Can I get into X Middle School?"

A familiar icosahedron loomed before my eyes—red, translucent, covered with white numbers.

And another number that emerged later was - 2.

I almost laughed out loud. 2 and above, that's a 95% probability.

With a nod, the dice began to spin and finally landed on 7.

So now, it's [-]%.After the judgment is successful, the cloud of doubts about probability has settled, and it has condensed into a solid path to the future, and I just need to take a step forward.The blood flowed, and I felt my fingers again, each of which could flexibly twist, and even the fingertips were extremely sensitive.

The bell and the invigilator's instructions rang one after another.I picked up the pen, looked up and looked diagonally ahead.

Yang has already started answering the questions. His tall body is curled up between the narrow desks and chairs, his back is so bent that he can almost see the shape of his spine through his school uniform.He always sits in the last row, and I can only see him from this angle in the examination room where the seats are disrupted.

I lowered my head to read the question, but I still couldn't help repeating the question that I have to ask several times a day.

"Will Yang and I be together?"

One, two, three... I quickly counted twice, and there were nine twenty-sided dice in front of me.

Then the number that emerged was - 180.

It takes nine dice to roll at the same time, the probability is 20 in 5120 billion, we can be together.

Shaking his head, the illusion drifted away.Hey, this ability is really useless most of the time.

But it doesn't matter, after being admitted to X Middle School with Yang, I have another three years to slowly increase this extremely small probability-until I dare to roll the dice to make a decision.

The pen fell on the paper, and one question was answered very smoothly.Knowing that I will definitely pass the exam made me feel a lot more relaxed, and I was free to watch Yang secretly every time I turned the page.He was scratching his head, his bony fingers digging into his short hair.I don't know whether to envy his hands or his scalp.

At that time, I didn't realize that I forgot a very important thing.

***

Yang, the sunrise also. —— "Shuowen"

In the fall of three years ago, when he tapped my pen for the first time, my life dawned like this.

I handed him the pen, turned around quickly and continued to stare at the podium.The teacher's mouth opened and closed, but I could no longer hear what she was saying, and the sound of my thumping heartbeat echoed throughout the classroom.

I want to see him again, I can't think of it.Besides, I didn't see clearly just now, is there still acne on that fair face?Are there braces showing between those rosy lips?Are the eyes under those glasses a little blurry?Maybe he's not that good-looking at all, it's just my eyes dazzled for a while.No, even if he was really good-looking, why would my heart beat faster for a boy who was taller than me?

"Give it back to you." He poked my butt with the ballpoint pen, and the button clicked.I froze for a while, obviously wanting to take the opportunity to look at him again, but I couldn't move.

His hand suddenly appeared next to my ear, and his long, bony fingers almost touched my face.I quickly grabbed the pen, but he didn't let go.

"Sorry, what's your name? I forgot again."

I didn't introduce myself at all, and of course I didn't intend to correct him. I just turned my face slightly and murmured an answer.

The hand let go of the pen and drew back.I couldn't ask him back, because he took away the air around me, and the lack of oxygen made my mouth dry and my face flushed.

I didn't know his name until I heard my classmates call him the next day.

Yang.My sun has risen.

"Yang and I...will we become friends?"

14.

It's a little difficult.Maybe we can wait a little longer and ask again when we get to know each other...

But I nodded anyway and let the dice roll.I kind of wish we'd never be friends and never say a word after that, so maybe I wouldn't have those... freaky thoughts.

Please, must be under 14, under 14!

The dice stopped at 20.

"What are you laughing at?" The deskmate looked at me in surprise.

"I remembered a joke." I couldn't close my mouth, so I had to tell a joke.Yang laughed and let out a pig cry behind him, patting me for a long while speechless.

His hand just fell firmly on my shoulder.Through the T-shirt, the temperature of the skin in the palm and the contraction of the finger muscles are so clear that they seem to directly touch every nerve ending in the flesh.

"Hey, do you know how to play?" He finally wiped away the tears from his laughter, took a basketball from under the chair and threw it into my arms, "Go to the playground after school?"

"I'm pretty good." I returned the ball and finally had to look him straight.

No, he had no acne, no braces, eyes so clear they seemed to glow, and his broad shoulders made his face even smaller.Sophisticated and masculine are so perfectly blended together that people can't move their eyes.

"It's okay, just play around."

I nodded yes, and relaxed the muscles that had been tensed for two days to my future friend.He narrowed his eyes in a smile, revealing two small pointed canine teeth.

My heart just stopped beating.

Can I be with Yang?

The class bell rang for a long time before I stared at the blackboard and asked this question.

Together, like best friends, never apart, just the two of us, live happily ever after.

Probably a 20, I'll wait.impossible.

It was the first time I saw a whole row of dice in front of me, and such a huge judgment number.

I knew it was impossible, but I didn't expect it to be so impossible.

"Smiling so happily, probably you can answer this question?" The teacher's pointer pointed to my forehead.

***

It's good to be friends too.

Sneakers squeak against plastic, basketball hits the ground and backboard, panting, yelling, posturing and scrambling.Every autumn afternoon, we huddled together and jumped up and down, tossing and turning, just to throw a dirty ball into the school basket that didn't even have a net.

Wearing a Chicago Bulls basketball jersey, Yang showed his slender legs and muscular arms. He dribbled, moved, and jumped up and shot with the racks he learned on TV. He even stuck out his tongue to celebrate after scoring a goal. Sample.He stood out among a group of bloated school trousers, and quickly led everyone to change into NBA uniforms-although we don't have parents who often travel abroad, we can only buy fake versions.

I'm not as tall as him, and I'm not good at technology or physical strength.But the good thing is I don't play to score or impress girls.As long as the opponent is stuck under the rebound, grab the ball and pass it quickly to Yang, and if you miss a shot, rush up to pick up the ball and throw it back to him.

So Yang is always the one with the most goals.Every time he dribbled the ball for a layup, he would shake off the sweat and run away, his eyes swept over the girls screaming with water bottles on the sidelines, and he smiled at me for the assist.

The diamond-like droplets reflected in the sunlight, the small pointed canine teeth, and the big hands on my back and shoulders.Every time, every time, it is like a needle of happiness directly injected into the brain, which makes me so happy that I can't stop.

It was the most indulgent and happiest autumn of my life.Every day at noon and after school, I can take this exclusive stimulant, and let my body burnout and inner satisfaction accompany me through the rest of the day.

This daily supply of happiness was so certain that I didn't use my abilities for a long time.

until the midterm exam.

***

"Aren't you... still not used to it? The homework in junior high school is very different from that in elementary school, right?"

Mom held my report card, her voice very soft.I hung my head and stared at her trembling hands.

"……sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry about." Mom wiped her nose, "I saw that you were happy every day after entering middle school, and your body was much stronger. I thought you were adapting well..."

"..." I inhaled, then exhaled forcefully, looking at the floor and at the roof.

"Do you think it's just a matter of improvisation? Or is the teacher speaking too fast? Do you want to enroll in a cram school?"

"..." I suddenly had a bad feeling.

"Girl?" She tried to meet my eyes, "Are you in a relationship?"

"no!"

I denied it too quickly, and she suddenly realized.

"It's too early for you!"

"I said no!!"

Mom is laughing.I peeked at her, only to find that her eyes were red like rabbits.

"You don't have to hide it from me, mom understands..."

"Loving someone sincerely...is a very, very happy feeling." She sniffed and turned her head away, and I quickly looked out of the window, "Even if you get confused and do something stupid, it's still a very, very good memory."

I stared at the ginkgo tree outside the window.The few remaining yellow fan leaves on the branches trembled in the wind, like a suicide hanging on the edge of the building and refusing to let go.Suddenly something cold in the abdomen wriggled, as if it was about to climb from the stomach along the esophagus to the throat.

***

It was a clear autumn day a few years ago, and the gray window of the balcony was open.I sat on a small bench, spying on the huge ginkgo tree outside.

"Does it look good?" It was my mother's voice.Another shiny bauble from her father.

The sun shines on the golden ginkgo leaves, which are also shining.I picked a small fan that had turned yellow and asked a question:

"Will this leaf fall in the next minute?"

A dice, 4.

Nodding, the dice started rolling and stopped at 12.

I wrote down two numbers and pressed the electronic watch my father gave me last time. After 42 seconds, the leaves drifted down.

Mom giggled softly from across the room.She sounds so happy.

I replaced the one with only the gold edge and had the same problem.This time the number was 15 and I rolled a 3.

The leaves swayed in the autumn wind, and the still green petioles tenaciously pulled the fan.But when I asked where the same leaf was going again, neither the dice nor the number appeared again—it could only be judged once for the same object.

There was a crunch in the room behind him.The window of the bedroom was drawn with hazy gauze curtains, coupled with the reflection of the glass, it was impossible to see anything clearly.I don't even want to watch it at all.

I changed one, repeated the question without rolling the dice.The numbers are changing all the time, floating up and down with the wind.I finally nodded when the number was below 10.The half-green leaf fell in response.

Crunch, crunch.There seemed to be a kitten whimpering in the room, and it seemed that a big dog was panting desperately.

I jotted down more and more figures and wrote a whole page.Finally, the room fell silent, and then there was a long rustle.

"Do you... want to see your son?"

"Alright."

The balcony door suddenly opened.Just like blasting me out in a hurry before, my mother hurriedly pulled me in again.

"Father." I squeezed the paper in my hand, straightened my back, and lowered my head.Father.I can only call him Father, and only in this room.

"What is written? Show me."

I handed over the paper and looked up at my father's hand.The watch on his wrist was different again, but the thick platinum ring on his ring finger was still the same.

"Mathematics homework? Very good." That hand touched my head, and returned the paper full of random numbers to me, "Study hard."

Random - I counted the 20 numbers according to the method taught by the teacher, each of which has a similar probability of appearing, and there is no obvious order.random.

"Our son is very good at math, and has been admitted to the competition class." Mom's voice was a little shrill.

"Well, you said it." As soon as her father spoke, she fell silent for an instant, not even breathing. "Is the living expenses enough?"

"Enough, enough."

"If there's nothing wrong..."

Father finally left.I stared at his feet, two steps away from the door, one step.

He stopped suddenly and turned around.Tsk.

"I just like that you are sensible. Unlike those people, who always ask for money and status, endlessly."

Mom covered my ears, trying to flatten my head.Unfortunately, it was too late, I could even hear the door closing clearly.

I broke away from her hand and ran to the bathroom to put the hair that was touched by that guy under the faucet.The sound of splashing water covered the sound of mother sniffling.

***

I swallowed in one gulp, pressing the cold stuff in my throat back into my stomach with the air.A gust of autumn wind finally swept away the crumbling leaves outside the window.

Will Yang and I be together?

A row of twenty-sided dice, astronomical probability.

"—I'm not in love, and I won't."

"..." Mom finally heard something from my voice, and wiped the corners of her eyes, "That's my mother's mistake. You go to study."

I took out my red test paper and spread it out on the desk, but I couldn't see the writing on it clearly. The glare of the sunlight reflected on the desks, chairs and textbooks in the afternoon seemed to be imprinted in my eyes.

The top three in the class were called to the front and praised by the teacher.Standing between the two girls, Yang made a face while the teacher was not paying attention, and snickered from below.

"It's really a good match." The tablemate rested his chin, "Believe it or not, they don't care if they want to fall in love with the teacher."

"Hehe, believe it or not, they're already together." The girl sitting in front of me turned her head, her voice was jaw-dropping.

"Huh? Which one?" I tried my best to recall the girls who were resident by the basketball court, but I couldn't remember their faces.

"Number one! They all made an appointment to pass the X exam together!"

"Beautiful." The tablemate fell down on the ground, "I also said that I would go to X Middle School when I was in the first grade of elementary school, but now..."

——Now, look at my grades.

I copied the wrong questions on the test paper into the notebook one by one, and pasted all the papers on the wall.Those cross marks were like scarlet eyes, staring at me without blinking.

I took out my homework and textbooks and plunged in.

Self-destructive likes.The beauty of self-inflicted humiliation.Deceitful happiness.

***

"Aren't you going to the playground?" Yang saw that I packed my schoolbag after school, and bumped my shoulder, "You haven't come these two days, and no one has cooperated with me!"

"Tutorial class." I focused on closing the buckle.

"Huh? Just because of the mid-term?" His face fell down, he shook his head and sighed, "It's just a momentary miss, what's the matter!"

"Haha, I really can't do it." I threw my schoolbag over my shoulder and patted him on the back, "Go and play."

"Really not going? How boring is tutoring and so on! No one will know if you miss it!"

His arm suddenly hooked around my neck, and he rubbed his palms on my hair.I was completely enveloped by his pleasant smell, as if lying in a book that had been basking in the sun for a long time.

I clenched the straps tightly with my hands, and I almost decided to throw off my schoolbag to play with him.

"See you tomorrow." I forced myself to speak, and dragged my reluctant body out of the classroom.

It can still be done.

Will Yang and I be together?

I've never actually counted the row of dice, and don't want to remember the decision numbers.But this time, I counted.

11 dice, 220.

It seems to be... a little less than the impression?

***

Learning and learning, the cram school becomes a competition class.When I finally stood in front of the classroom to be awarded, the first was still the first, but Yang stayed below.

I looked at him over familiar faces, but he didn't look at me, or even at his girlfriend, with his head hanging down as if he was asleep, and only the slight contraction of his arm muscles revealed the fact that he was fiddling with his mobile phone.

My heart suddenly lifted.Is it me who pushed his rank down?Obviously just wanted to stand with him...

Wait, last time, last time, he didn't stand up, but he kept laughing and saying that he was the fourth in ten thousand years.

Will Yang and I be together?

Habitually ask, habitually count.

...eight, nine, ten...

ten?Ten!

Before I can count again, the number has emerged: 200.

Yes, the probability of us being together has increased to a full 20 times before, although it is still very, very small.

"Congratulations." First smiled at me.Only then did I realize that I was getting carried away with complacency, and my cheeks were sore from being pulled.

After that, school is over.Yang quickly got up, took off his school uniform and threw it on the back of the chair, took out a basketball, called his friends and rushed out.A short girl took out a water bottle from his desk bucket, put on an oversized school uniform jacket, and trotted behind, like a sack with long legs.

"Uh..." I carried my schoolbag and went to the competition class with No. [-], "You don't even want to watch Yang play."

"Why should I watch him play?" First raised his eyebrows.

"Don't you mind? That xxx..." I mentioned the short girl's name.

"Why should I care?"

I was dumbfounded, and it took me a while to realize—they broke up.They actually broke up!

So eleven dice become ten?

Suddenly feel very depressed.When Yang establishes a relationship with his new girlfriend, the No. 11 dice will come back again.

After that I had to count several times a day, but it was always ten dice, 200.

Then I found out that every few days, that sack would grow legs of different lengths, and there would even be a jerky tear on his seat from time to time.

"I really can't see it." The first pouted, but still glanced back at the door.Yang's school uniform was grabbed and rattled, it seemed that the sack was about to turn into pieces of sackcloth.

"It should feel good to like someone so much." I pursed my lips and tried my best not to laugh.

She strode up the stairs silently, and it was a bit difficult for me to keep up.

"...It's good, until you find out that the person you like is not worthy of your liking at all." The first one slowed down at the gate of the competition class.

"How happy I was before, how happy I am after..." She pondered for a while, "Fuck it."

It was the first time I heard her swearing.Shouldn't she be talking about Yang?Speaking of which, I really don't remember ever seeing her with Yang.

So definitely not.

***

It wasn't until the results of the high school entrance examination came out that I realized what I had forgotten.

"Yang, I've passed the X middle school!" I happily called and told him.

"Ah, congratulations." His voice was muffled, did he catch a cold in summer? "That who," he read out the first name, "I heard that he also passed the exam."

"Haha, I hope we can still be in the same class." We—me and you.

"..." There was silence for a while.

I finally remembered.

From the beginning to the end, I have never judged whether Yang can be admitted to X High School together.

As good as he is, he must be fine--but I didn't even think about the possibility that he might not play well.

Why would you forget?Not even asking once...

"I'm going abroad to study in high school." He blew through the receiver so loudly that he had to strain his ears to hear clearly, "It's actually not bad. I planned to go abroad at first, and maybe I'll stay if I get into X Middle School."

"Then, goodbye."

what.

sunset.

***

When I came back to my senses, I was lying on the railing, staring at the sunset that was gradually disappearing among the tall buildings.The wind on the roof was a bit strong, and my T-shirt bulged like a sail, finally sweeping away some of the summer heat.

I climbed over the railing and stood on the edge of the building. One step forward was nothingness.

This scene is very familiar, but the memory is extremely distant.

At that time, I was wearing new clothes, my eyelids were shaking from exhaustion, and my legs were too weak to walk.My mother took me to the amusement park for a whole day, bought all the snacks that I was not allowed to eat indiscriminately before, and made it so full that there was no room for dinner and did not train me.

But it wasn't my birthday, and it wasn't the weekend.I was supposed to go to kindergarten.

Mom carried me up the last few steps and set me aside.She fiddled with it in the dark for a while, and finally, with a click, the door creaked open.

Mom took my hand and went out.The sky was orange, like sweet orange juice, served in glasses striped with red, pink and gold.

"Mom, I'm thirsty!" I really want to drink orange juice.

"Hey, I won't be thirsty in a while." Mom picked me up and walked towards the sky.The wind whistled and poured into my collar.

"Mom, it's cold!"

"Hey, it won't be cold in a while..."

I put my arms around my mother's neck and turned my head to see... the ground far, far, far away.

My mother stood on the edge of the roof, holding me tightly in her arms.

will we die

I can't recall how I felt at the time.This seems to be a question, purely out of curiosity.I haven't lived a few years yet, so I don't have a deep impression of life, and I'm not too afraid of the reputation of death.

A red thing suddenly appeared on the mother's shoulder.I reached out and grabbed it, but found nothing.

What I can't catch is also the golden Taoism in my mother's ear.

I look back and forth between gold and red.The ball spun and stopped for a while.

With a groan, my mother hugged me and ran towards the direction I came from.The sky suddenly fell down, making me breathless, and my eyes were full of sweet orange.

I lay on my back with a pillow on my mother's hand.She rushed to the ground and howled, maybe her broken knee hurt too much.

That was the scariest sound I had ever heard, and I was too scared to speak.

But what is even more frightening is that when I later recalled the numbers at that time, I found that the chance of us surviving was only 5%.

And I actually threw out the 5%.Now, I probably don't dare to throw it away.

——I looked downstairs, and the ground didn't seem too far away.I don't know if it was because I thought everything was tall when I was a child, or because my mother really found a tall building back then.Jumping from here now might not kill you, just break your arms and legs or something.

I laughed suddenly, I couldn't help myself, I fell down on the dusty ground, curled up in a ball with my stomach hurting.

After all, people will grow into what they hate the most.