cupid battle

Angry, he arrested me, scolded me for grandstanding, and stained the sheets.

I said, "Enough." Don't make me recall a single thing.

Wu Qisheng changed the subject: "Let you rate your own attractiveness, from one to ten, what is your score?"

I said: "Five points." Because I am a genius, no matter how low it is, it is impossible to be lower than five points.

She asked, "What about Xiaobai?"

I suppressed my anger: "Why did you bring Xiaobai in?"

She said: "As a score, how much Xiaobai is in your heart, according to your intuition, you don't need a reason."

I was silent, and then said: "Nine points." If he hasn't mixed with me in the past few years, it can be more perfect.

Wu Qisheng said: "I don't think you have only five points. You have polarized evaluations in your own field, but no one who hates you will admit that you are a genius. You are very good-looking. I can say without exaggeration that you are handsome. Your Personality...unique and causing a lot of trouble, but with you, life is never mediocre, never boring. If you follow society's rules, you're attractive, but even if you refuse to play by society's rules, you're charming charm."

I said, "I know." I knew I was attractive, and I never felt inferior about it.

"But you can't imagine him loving you, you're afraid to be with him ... you're going to hurt him," she said.

I said, "Are you setting us up?"

"Why should I match you?" She smiled at me: "I am your doctor, not a reader of a romance novel. I don't care if the male protagonists are together in the last page, I help you face up to your relationship. Face up to it In the future, you decide to develop this relationship and accept him, or reject this relationship and continue to be friends with him. It is a choice you have to make. Life is very complicated. It is not that you should be together if you have feelings. Sometimes it is better not to be together. Good. Whichever you choose, I'm all for it."

When I got home, I was in a daze.Hands are shaking.

Will I accept him, or refuse?If we accept him, will we end up tragically.

When parting—if parting—

I need to think, there are too many noisy voices in my head, and my head is about to swell.I started to play the piano, and the sound of the piano temporarily dispelled the panic noise in my mind.I probably played overnight.

Christmas is coming.From the 24th, AllSa decorates the Christmas tree and Christmas confetti.Every day there is a little more Christmas atmosphere here and there. When I came back on Monday the [-]th, a small elk and a tube of colorful candy canes were placed in front of Wendy at the front desk, and Christmas wreaths were also hung at the four corners of the electronic screen behind her.

I haven't figured it out yet. I spend a lot of time playing the piano these days, and I have long-term insomnia problems.

On the evening of the 24th, there was a theme party in the main building of AllSa. Fang Huang reviewed a long list of special invitations and invited a group of young ladies.

That afternoon, Fang Huang asked someone to bring me the dress I threw at her place. It had been dry-cleaned and hung on a hanger in the long coat pocket.After get off work, I barely endured the nausea and changed into my clothes, and went to the eighth floor to find her.

She had changed into evening clothes, was drinking in the chair facing the French windows, and she had pulled the ashtray out of the bottom drawer, and I checked the smoke detectors, which were taped.

I picked up her glass and smelled it: "Drinking whiskey alone? It's only seven o'clock in the evening."

She naturally stretched out her hand and tied the bow tie around my neck: "If you are not taking antidepressants, I will ask you to drink with me. But the last thing I need now is someone to drink three or five glasses of whiskey, because Mixing drugs and alcohol, my brain was miswired, and I suddenly broke down and cried bitterly in front of me." She paused and said, "It's time for you to learn to tie a bow tie by yourself, or someone else will do it for you."

"why?"

Why don't you let me keep the status quo, why do you want me to open my eyes and look at Xiaobai, why do you act like she is withdrawing from my life.

"Prostate cancer," she said.

I am silent.

She actually laughed: "There are so many types of cancer, but it turned out to be this one. I cut my breasts and gave me prostate cancer. They want me to die from a disease that only men have. God really loves to joke with me."

Women do not have a prostate gland; women do have Skene's glands.She wears high-heeled shoes measuring 1.9 meters, and her shoe size is 41. She has a deep voice. She started to use estrogen when she was nearly 40 years old. Even after plastic surgery, her facial bones are very masculine, and her body is also masculine.She looks like a weird woman.

She used to be a man.I was with her in the hospital when she underwent the last step of sex reassignment surgery, when she changed her genitals.I ran away from home before finishing high school, and a novice hacker was hiding in a dark Internet cafe. We met at a dark station and she let me live with her.I was waiting for her to have an operation in the hospital, and I didn’t know how to fill in the question about the relationship with the patient on the form. Uncle and nephew or nephew, father and son or mother and son, all of them were wrong, and finally I wrote...family.

She looked at me and smiled, changed the subject, and said, "Don't you really want to see who I was before? I just happened to be looking at the photo album tonight."

She turned a page, pointed to a man in a photo and said, "This is me. In Germany 20 years ago." She hid the evidence in broad daylight, and I flipped through her photo album, but didn't pay attention to the crowd A man, a middle-aged man who is puffy and depressed and can't see his facial features clearly.Fang Huang pulled away her nail-painted fingers, and looked at her own photo very calmly: "I'm your age, and I hate myself more than you...By the way, I don't like "The Danish Girl", as if gender can be changed because of men. It's like an awakening in women's clothing once, I never knew I was a woman, a woman locked in a man's body from the moment I realized it. I hate my body, depression causes bulimia..." She didn't continue.

She changed her gender, and she didn't start to change her gender until she was 38 years old. She became a pervert in the eyes of many people, a monster, and we are all monsters that people don't want to understand.I sat quietly with her and didn't mention cancer or Xiaobai again.Until eight o'clock, she looked at the time, stepped on her high heels and stood up: "It's time to go down. The old rules, you show up at the party for at least half an hour, and act like a dog as much as you can, shut up, don't Make trouble for me."

I said annoyedly, "Got it."

She took my hand and I helped her carry the bag.Everyone went down, and the eighth floor was empty.

Christmas carols were playing in the hall, which could be heard through the door.Before walking out of the elevator, she patted me on the back and said, "Be brave, Xia Qi. I know Xiaobai's feelings for you, and my cancer is too unexpected for you. But, to say a cliché, life is full of Accidents, good or bad. I believe you are brave enough to face either."

I didn't stay for a minute, and at 1:32, I went to the top of the rooftop alone.

Ten minutes later, Xiaobai came up. I watched him for a long time, and under the light of the zenith, his face gradually turned red.

Outside the dress, he wore a teddy bear suit, a teddy bear hat with bear ears, showing his face, and a large pocket on the bear skin chest, with a big ribbon bow tied on the pocket.Very childish and very...cute.

I said, "How old are you?"

His blushing was still embarrassing, but he said: "Let's think about it, to match you, eight years old. I like the boy with the worst temper in our third grade class."

My heart skipped a beat for this little bastard.I kept calm and asked, "Are you planning with Fang Huang?"

He had to touch his nose before realizing that it was a furry bear paw and paw pads.With a pretty face, Xiao Bai said awkwardly, "She gave me some advice."

I said, "Did you know she was diagnosed with cancer?"

Xiaobai said: "I know three weeks earlier than you. She is looking for a suitable way to tell you, and I am also looking for a suitable way to tell you."

He and Fang Huang knew that pranks and puzzles were my language.If you are dissatisfied with me, it is useless to speak out, I will punish you, you will punish me, and I will know.Or throw me a puzzle that fascinates me, keeps me engrossed, and lets me find the answer myself.

I said: "This is only part of the reason." I know Xiaobai, just like Xiaobai knows me.If he'd just wanted me to know, he'd have a different puzzle that wouldn't make me look like a hungry dog ​​looking for a bone.

Unless he is also afraid, he can only judge whether I love him or not by my behavior.Let me reason step by step, watch my performance every step, he can back off every step, not tell me he loves me, keep our relationship as friendship.

Xiaobai smiled and said, "I'm very scared. I'm afraid that you are just used to me, relying on me, and letting you know that I treat you too early...I'm afraid that you will accept me in order not to lose your best friend."

And I am afraid that he is the best person to me, but I am not the best person to him.I'll drain his patience and kindness and love...and leave him alone like a squeezed towel.

It snowed on the night of December 24th, and he and I leaned against the railing like two idiots, looking at each other half a meter away, and then fine snow seeds drifted between us, and we looked at the night sky together.

The corners of Xiaobai's mouth curled up, looking at his own furry teddy bear costume, he said, "If you're cold, you can hug me."

I said, "You know I'm an asshole."

He couldn't help laughing: "From day one."

"You know you...can't save me, if you're really stupid enough to believe the nonsense of redemption with love."

He said: "I know you don't need to be rescued, you don't need a savior, I just, after being with you, I find that I want to continue to be with you." His eyes are shining, and I have always wondered why brown eyes can So bright, smooth hair, glowing eyes, shy smile is not a defensive offensive.Will he smile like that after he kills someone?