Baima Weiyang

Mottled sunlight shines in from the top of the transparent window, and the pillars, mats, and scriptures are silently bathed in striped light and shadow.I stood by the south window of Katangji, looking at the vast Lhasa River from a distance.The light and darkness alternately, it seems that time has also been stopped.

Who am I and how did I come here? Everything in the past is as blurred as a white mist.I was recognized as a reincarnated soul boy at the age of three, formally learned Buddhism at the age of eight, and when I received the novice precepts at the age of 15, Pan and Zen masters smiled and told me that the Dharma name Tsangyang Gyatso will accompany me for the rest of my life...

Under Diba's step-by-step arrangements, I was enthroned in Sixi Pingcuo, ascended the throne of fearlessness, and became the supreme venerable of this snowy land ever since.Everyone worships and sings praises to me, but only I know that there is a compassionate but cold heart wrapped under this cassock.

There are voluminous scriptures and heavy schoolwork. Whenever I am irritable for no reason, I can't help walking around.Every time this happened, the sutra master with a bright head would always stand up and persuade me behind me with a scripture book in his hand, and after a few words, he would use Diba's name again.No one knows that all my pain at this time comes from him.

Facing this powerful person, I used my identity as the Dalai Lama to say that I would go to Drepung Monastery to study scriptures.Diba looked at me for a long time, nodded and said yes.At that time, I didn't know that it was because of this decision that my life changed forever...

The first time I saw her was on the turning path of Drepung Monastery.She walked alone on the side of the winding dirt road, without turning the prayer wheel, just looking around.The sunlight passed through the tangled willows, leaving a series of shadows on her body.

I didn't know when I stopped, but suddenly saw her turn around, thought she was going to go against the road, so I wanted to step forward to stop her, and after walking a few steps, I realized that her eyes were fixed on me in a daze.Subconsciously nodding towards her slightly, she glanced down in a panic.

"Master..." No one has ever called me that, the voice is very soft, but with a slight coquettishness, as if it is a title that belongs to her alone.I answered absent-mindedly, thinking that it was no different from before, but I had already acquiesced to the love in her tone.

White skin and black hair, red lips and bright teeth, her appearance is not common in the snow region, but what impressed me the most were her eyes.When laughing, it will bend into two curves, and when not smiling, it will be wide open, as pure as the sky of Lhasa.

She is special, so special that I often have a headache, but I can't help noticing it.I heard with my own ears that she asked Dorji about me, and when she knew my identity, she was so surprised that she almost jumped up.I thought she would retreat, but I didn't expect that when I saw Dorji again, he told me that she wanted to listen to my lectures.

During the whole hour of scripture class, she was in a state of restlessness almost all the time.The eyeballs rolled back and forth, just waiting for me to look up and peek when I was distracted.No one has ever dared to stare at me like this and asked her why, but her answer was honest and straightforward.

I don't know if she understands the meaning of the cassock on me, but seeing that black head bouncing up and down by the window sill, apart from finding it funny, she doesn't want to stop it at all.For several days in a row, every time I walked into Larang and prepared to meditate, there would always be a figure squatting by the window like a shadow, looking in from time to time.

That day I deliberately moved the potted plant on the window sill, and she really couldn't hold back and reached out to move it, but there was a "ding" sound. At that time, I couldn't bear it anymore, so I decided to drag her out on the spur of the moment.

But after opening the door, I saw her sitting on the steps foolishly, clutching her ankles, her head almost touching the ground, and her heart felt soft for no reason.He hugged her lightly, but she had an expression of disbelief.In fact, she probably understands, so she always came to test me openly or secretly, intending to know whether I still have a heart of mortals.

"Have you... ever touched a woman?" she asked me.Although there was no expression on his face, he was still a little surprised in his heart.How could she ask such a question?Just because I'm good-looking?He lightly told her no, but she immediately shook her head with joy.I can't help but feel a little confused, what exactly is she trying to do? !

After that, I finally had a few days of quiet life. Because of the appearance of Maggie Ami, she began to ignore me.Seeing me touching the head for Maggie Ami, she stiffened her legs and refused to kneel with me.Seeing that I gave my rosary to Maggie Ami, she pouted out of anger.He deliberately looked at her, and got a blank stare for no reason.At that time, I suddenly realized that something seemed to be slowly taking root in my heart...

I began to recite scriptures day and night, and my thoughts gradually calmed down.I have studied Buddhism for many years, and these emotions can still be controlled.But before I gave up completely, I received another note, "Riyang Water Wheel Turning the Prayer Wheel", the handwriting was very jerky, and I could almost confirm it was written by her just by looking at it.

After thinking for a long time, I still decided not to go to the appointment.Not long after, she came to the door, and she was aggressive.She deliberately said that she didn't know it was written by her, so she didn't go, and her complexion immediately improved a lot.Then, she confessed to me.

"Master, I seem to like you a little bit." The expression on her face when she said this was engraved in my mind at that time, and it has not been erased until a long, long time later.She thought for a while and then let out a sigh of relief...

I couldn't bear to see it, but I couldn't respond.Hearing that she said that she was about to leave Drepung Monastery, I stood there in a daze.Seeing her strange expression, I couldn't help asking, but she just shook her head and ran away quickly.

Sitting in Rajang until dark, I couldn't help divination for her once, but the result was not very good.I kept telling myself that this had nothing to do with me, but in the end I walked out of Drepung Monastery involuntarily.

I rescued her from the hands of the Mongols. When she saw me, she burst into tears and complained that I didn't know how it feels to be trapped by love.I can only use laughter to suppress the emotions in my heart.It's not that I don't understand, it's that I can't...

It was late at night when I came out to chant scriptures for Tenzin's grandmother.She was sitting alone on the steps, holding her knees with her hands to keep warm, her face was slightly pale.I know I can't see her as often, but I have to take her back to Drepung Monastery.That's the only way to keep her safe, I told myself.

I don't know what she figured out that night, but the next day, she came to me and asked me to save her.Now that she has also decided to let go, then the string in my heart should also be loosened.Thinking of this, I gave myself another reason to approach her.

Is it really so tiring to practice with me?Tired enough to fall asleep while meditating.I lowered my head and stared quietly at her sleeping face, and after a while, she began to change her posture.Holding my cassock in my hand, my whole body leaned up slowly.She found a comfortable position on my lap, and she slept like this for more than half an hour.

After teaching her scriptures in the evening, I have already made up my mind not to see her again from tomorrow.This was the first time in many years that I felt jealous. I began to mind her communication with Ngawang Rinchen, and I minded it very much.I know I can't go on like this, if she keeps cutting, then let me hold this knife...

Tashi Pingcuo was wounded by an arrow, and she ran to me in a distraught state.I've never seen her like this before, and even when she was doing morning class, her panicked face was always in my mind.In the end, I was worried and decided to take a look, but I saw such a scene.It turned out that there were so many people around her who could take care of her, and there was never a place for me there.

It's time to stop...

When she stood outside the door of the scripture room, I turned her down coldly.Faintly hearing the sound of whimpering, I sat down on the sandalwood chair and stared blankly at the swaying door curtain returning to calm again.He sat for a whole night without doing anything, just staring dumbly at the frayed note in his hand.

I heard that she was ill with a persistent high fever and babbled all day and all night.I still couldn't help but look at her.As soon as she held my hand, she began to shout hoarsely, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I didn't mean to like you..." I stood beside her for a long time, telling myself that this is the last time .

When I saw her figure outside the Tsochen Hall, I knew that she was coming to say goodbye to me.Avoiding her all the way and walking quickly, she stumbled after her, tripped over a gravel, and didn't know if she hurt from the fall.

I stood behind the thangka, and through the narrow gap, I watched her walk into Juolakanglai softly, and stared at the tall Sakyamuni preaching the Dharma for a long time.She said that she would never bother me again, and she was getting married... As soon as this sentence hit my ears, all the voices became blurred, and I didn't even hear what she said after that.

This time she really had to leave me.As soon as this thought flashed through my mind, my heart felt as if it was being squeezed by a cold hand.This feeling seems familiar, but I can't remember when I had it.

Kneeling in Juelakang until late at night, the butter lamps gradually dimmed.Slowly kowtowing three times to Sakyamuni, I squeezed the beeswax rosary in my hand, and walked step by step into the dense rain curtain.The moment I kissed her, I finally understood that I would never let her go in this life...

"You know that there will be no results, so why give her hope?" Zhaxi Puncuo stood on the steps, the faint light shining on his cold cheeks.I know that from the day he understood my thoughts, he no longer regarded me as a Living Buddha.After a long silence, I told him slowly, "I will protect her with my life."

When she walked back to Larang, she was lying in front of the table in a daze, her eyelids blinked, and when she saw me coming in, she immediately jumped up.She said she seemed to be dreaming and felt that none of this was real.I asked her what she dreamed about every day, but she blushed and avoided my eyes.

After a while, she fell on the bed, her eyelids were tightly closed and trembling, and she refused to open them no matter how much she pushed.Of course I knew she was afraid of being chased away by me, so she pretended to be asleep on purpose.He lowered his head and kissed her cheek, and the corners of his slightly raised mouth immediately curled up.No matter where, the Buddha can see that I love her, this fact no longer needs to be concealed.

Probably because I figured it out and I couldn't regret it anymore, she began to reveal her true nature.Although I already knew that she was not a fuel-efficient lamp, but how could a girl act like this?

Every time I study the Buddhist scriptures, she either stretches out her hand to turn the pages for me, or just talks to herself, no matter how hard she trains her.These are acceptable, but at night, her sleeping appearance is extremely bad, she keeps kicking the quilt, and her arms are still waving.I had no choice but to hold her in my arms and not let her move. Although she would always make me angry, I got used to it unconsciously.

From the day I decided to love her, I knew that there would be a lot of obstacles and troubles waiting for us, but what I didn't expect was that everything came so quickly...

Lazang's repeated plans, the appearance of Pan and Zen masters, and Diba's obstruction, one after another difficulties fell on her heart like shackles.I know she's scared and even hesitant, but no matter what, I still don't want her to give up.

Looking at her lying on the bed with her eyes closed, her forehead wrapped in a glaring white cloth, I hold her cold hand, and I have already made a decision in my heart, no matter what punishment will be in the future, I will bear it alone...

Studying scriptures in Tashilhunpo Monastery, a place without her breath, no matter how I chant scriptures, I still feel absent-minded from time to time.Master Pan and Master Zen did not criticize me too much, but he never gave up his advice to me.

After the sutra class, the only sound left in the room was the twirling of prayer beads.Sitting cross-legged across from me, Master Zen slowly opened his eyes. He got up and handed the scriptures on the short table to my hand, then turned around and went out.Watching his back disappear completely, I stretched out my hand and opened the Buddhist scriptures, and a note fell out.

"If you practice love and lust, love will turn and grow, just like drinking salt water, you will never be able to quench your thirst."

I have already heard these scriptures very well. According to the teachings of the Buddha, love between a man and a woman is not a sin, but it is an impure act.But for Buddhist disciples, this is a sin, and they will even spend several kalpas in hell after death. I know the consequences very well, but there is no way out.

The rosary in his hand scattered without warning, jumping and rolling to every corner of the room.Knowing that she was about to encounter catastrophe, I hurried to Pan and Zen masters' room to say goodbye.He didn't stop me, but there was a touch of emotion in his eyes when he looked at me. I thought of this look repeatedly on the way back to Drepung Monastery. It turns out that he, who is benevolent and loving to all beings, would also be desperate...

Although Ngawang Rinchen rescued her, I knew that Diba would not let her go.If he didn't achieve his goal this time, there will definitely be a next time, and with his temperament, he must cut the grass and root out.I have never wanted Diba to notice my unknown side, but things have come to this point, and in order to protect her, I have no choice.

Diba was always suspicious, and he only used some small tricks to make him think that I was getting close to Lhazang.I know that's what he's most afraid of, because if I'm not on his side, what he's done all these years will be smashed in an instant.It is based on this consideration that he compromised to me and said that he would not hurt her again.

Diba has been fighting for the last wish of the previous venerable all his life, and he has made great achievements, but he also has his own ambitions.I will believe his words, but I will also be wary.I thought that no matter how complicated the situation was, I could resist it on my own, but I didn't expect that the only thing I couldn't control was her...

How much God's will was involved in this scourge is unknown, but I can still guess how much Diba and Lhazang broke up with each other.Seeing her come back with many scars, I felt pain and anger in my heart.Knowing that I spent a lot of effort to hide it from her, she still ran out behind my back.

In her constantly dodging eyes, I knew she had an idea.I don't want to expose it, just quietly waiting for her decision, but that doesn't mean I won't stop her.However, I once again fell into her hands.

"Master, I'm sorry..." Danba knelt in front of me tremblingly, his forehead was so low that it almost touched the ground of Aga. "You..." This was the first time I got angry at him, I clenched my fist, my nails sank into my palm, and after a while I let out a trembling breath, "Go down."

He looked at me worriedly, and after a while he saluted and retreated. With a sound of "Shut up", the room was lit up for a moment and then completely darkened.I quietly listened to the sound of the rosary beads twisting, and there was only one thought in my heart, since this road cannot be chosen, let it come to an end...

"Huh la la..." The transparent wine hit the bottom of the bowl, and when it was vaguely full, I stretched out my hand to hold the slippery edge of the bowl.Just as I was about to pick it up and put it to my lips, I was held down gently by a hand.Looking along the white palm in a daze, it was Maggie Ami's face that met her.

He took it off lightly, tilted his head, and felt a burning sensation in his throat.He raised his hand to take the flagon, and the silk-wrapped agate on his wrist was exposed again.I looked at the slightly old-looking second-eyed dzi, and the corners of my mouth twitched, "Women are so unreliable?! Run away as soon as you say, and drug me..."

Maggie Ami on the opposite side was taken aback, with a stiff expression on her face, "Dolma must have some difficulties." I looked at her, silent and didn't want to speak any more.The stomach seemed to be on fire, and the pain was overwhelmed by one after another.I stood up, but after a few steps towards the door, Maggie Ami behind me chased me up.

"Dangsang Wangbo—"

I stopped by the door curtain, turned around and saw that she was about to come, so I couldn't help but reach out and stop her, "Don't come." Maggie Ami was stunned, and tears flowed down immediately.I looked at her and said apologetically, "I'm sorry..."

She bit her lip, and asked loudly, "Why can Zhuoma do it, but I can't?!" I turned my eyes away, and my body felt tired for no reason, "There is no reason, I said I can't do it, I can't do it."

"Cangyang Gyatso will always be hers. I only want Dangsang Wangbo, so that's okay?!" Maggie Ami held back her tears and fixed her eyes firmly on me.Shaking his head silently, there was a burst of sobbing in his ears, "You are so cruel..."

He walked out of the tavern quickly, but slowed down on the empty Barkhor Street.He managed to escape the Tiebang Lama, and when he returned to the Potala Palace, it was already late at night.I lay in the dark Katangi, looking at the sky full of stars outside the transparent window, it seems that I can only see her in my dreams tonight...

Overtly and secretly wrestling with Lhazang, I couldn't help calling her back to my side before the plan was completed.The resoluteness when she left, the emptiness of not being able to hold her in my arms for two years, and the many entangled men around her... These gathered into an inexplicable anger, which made me treat her like this for the first time. out of control.

Seeing her crying and trembling, sitting on the ground and unable to stand up, my heart hurts more than hers.But otherwise, how would she understand the fear of never seeing her again and losing her forever...

What I didn't expect was that Maggie Ami still stepped in. Under various chances and coincidences, she thought that I didn't love her anymore, but ended up getting drunk on the street with two men!At that time, I was so angry that I didn't know that there was a misunderstanding between us.Fortunately, I didn't piss her off, otherwise if she ran around, I really didn't know where to find her.

After returning to my side, she was still as happy as before, eating and sleeping well, and telling me some jokes that weren't funny at all from time to time.Although it still gives me headaches from time to time, but seeing her go through so much, she is still as innocent as before, and my heart is finally relieved.

But this bland and happy life didn't last long, and Diba made new moves.The battle with Lazang is about to be decided, and he wants to clear the way for me before he loses power completely.

For the first time in my life, I felt powerless when I saw Pa Table pressing the knife against her throat.I had to send her to Lhazang temporarily, and told her that I was doing this to protect her, but I didn't want her to know that I was also concerned about Diba's safety.Both parties are not simple characters. Once a certain power is out of balance, it will directly affect my later plans.I didn't tell her because I didn't want her to worry, but I was still wrong after all...

Tashi Puncuo's death has slid an irreparable rift between us.This was the first time she hated me, the first time she spoke to me in such a decisive and indifferent tone, "Cangyang Gyatso, I love you very much, but I don't love you so much that I can exchange Tashi Pingcuo's life."

This sentence was like a thunderbolt exploding on the top of my head.I lived in fear, every second of it, that she was going to leave suddenly and leave without saying goodbye.Knowing that no matter how I tried to comfort her this time, it would be useless, I sent someone to Qiongjie to invite her adoptive parents.Kneeling down and apologizing to them, the two old men didn't dare to blame me at all.

In the middle of the night, she really came to Sasong Langjie. Knowing that the emotions in her heart had faded, I hugged her horizontally and walked back to Katangji.Blowing out the butter lamp and placing her on the bed, she seemed a little scared of what I was going to do next.Inexplicably, I found it funny, she was the one who hinted at me in every possible way before, but now she is acting like a turtle again, her reservedness seems to be so out of place.

For several days after that, she had a fever intermittently, and no matter how much medicine she took, she did not get better.I took her pulse several times, but couldn't diagnose the cause.I didn't tell her, in fact, I was also affected by inexplicable emotions in those few days. I wanted to control it but found that I couldn't suppress it at all.

When I went to see Master Pan and Master Zen, he seemed to have already known it, but he just said in a clear tone, "You read that scripture." I was stunned. to accept...

"Observe that greed is inherently pure, like a lotus flower in full bloom. If there is any contamination or love in it, it should be subdued as respect and love."

This is the scripture that haunted me for days and nights. When it got into my mind and couldn't get rid of it, I already knew that my fate with her in this life was over. It's the end of this life.

Master Pan and Master Zen recited the Buddha's name deeply, "I didn't stop you at that time because your karma was not over. Now that you know the ending, you shouldn't be entangled with each other anymore. Otherwise, catastrophe will inevitably follow."

Maybe she from the future will not understand, but I know very well that retribution of karma is unstoppable by human power, and now, the karma we committed at the beginning is close at hand.

Standing by the silent Qinghai Lake, the wind blows over my cheeks, the dark blue sky, the pure white clouds, the clean earth and rocks...everything will bid farewell to me, here will be my death in this life The place……

Master Ban and Master Zen stood beside me silently, looking into the distance with slightly old eyes. After a while, he suddenly turned his head back with a big change in his expression, "Are you still obsessed with obsession?!"

I twitched the corners of my mouth, didn't speak, and didn't look at him.My eyes fell on the surface of Qinghai Lake, and through 300 years of time, I just wanted to see if she was doing well, but I saw her kneeling in the Kadangji and crying bitterly, looking for it in the Drepung Monastery...Look Until she has gone through all the sufferings of the world, until she dies but is still alone...

The Pan and Chan masters beside him sighed sadly, "You are already enlightened, why are you still obsessed with the love between men and women? Even if she goes through all kinds of hardships, it is her own karma and self-sufficiency. In the midst of love, the only child To die alone, to go alone, to come alone, to suffer and enjoy oneself, and there is no substitute."

"No..." I shook my head, and stretched out my hand to caress her silhouette reflected on the Qinghai Lake, "Ksitigarbha Bodhisattva once made a vow that the hells would not be empty, and he would never become a Buddha. But in this life, I will only save her alone."

(Finish)