miss a useless name

38.

At seven in the morning, Cheng Shen got up on time.He didn't come to Chongqing for tourism, and there was a negotiation meeting at nine o'clock.

After washing and dressing, Cheng Shen returned to the bed, and the cold peppermint breath wafted into Yu Yan's ears, and he said softly, "I'm leaving, remember to eat breakfast."

Yu Yan nodded in confusion, half of his face was hidden under the quilt.

Not long after, the door was gently closed, Yu Yan slowly moved over with the remaining warmth still around.

He grabbed the lower edge of the pillow, sniffing the smell like an addict, the cedar gas that has been melted by the skin, it was the men's perfume he gave Cheng Shen last year.

Yu Yan didn't even open his eyes, and fell asleep again amidst the familiar smell.

The hour hand passed a circle and a half, and the alarm clock on the bedside rang.

Yu Yan sat up abruptly, a strong nausea surged up from his stomach.He didn't bother to turn off the alarm, stumbled out of bed, and started throwing up into the toilet.

He half-kneeled on the ground, his bare knees knocked against the cold tiles, his lower abdomen clenched, his throat was choked, and physiological tears secreted from the corners of his eyes unconsciously.For the meal I had last night, I vomited up everything I hadn’t digested, and in the end I couldn’t vomit, not even jaundiced water.

Nearly collapsed after vomiting, Yu Yan washed away the dirt, stood up with limp legs, rinsed his mouth and brushed his teeth.He propped himself up on the countertop and looked at the person in the mirror dejectedly. He was pale and thin, with black and blue circles under his eyes, but his eyes were terribly red.He felt that he was not a normal person at all, like a drug-addicted pervert.

He also felt that he was being punished, and that every second he spent with Cheng Shen would bring back ten times the consequences afterwards.

The signing meeting was arranged at two o'clock in the afternoon, Yu Yan got up and took a shower, and was knocked on the door just as he came out of the bathroom.

Yu Yan went to open the door with fresh steam all over his body, his skin was flushed by the hot water, and the tip of his nose was as clear as pomegranate seeds.

"Teacher Yu," An Ning waited at the door with two hot steamed buns and a cup of soy milk, seeing Yu Yan wiping his hair with wet hair, thinking of Mr. Cheng's appearance in a bathrobe last night, he immediately didn't want to enter the room: "... breakfast!"

Yu Yan took it, stepped aside and said, "You came just in time, I have something for you."

"Ah?" An Ning stood there reluctantly, "Isn't it appropriate for me to go in..."

Yu Yan turned his head first, the door was open, and his figure disappeared around the corner of the entrance.

An Ning covered her heart in grief and indignation: "You forced me!"

She followed up, and with yesterday's experience, she kept her eyes on this time.I saw Yu Yan walked into the small hall and took a few boxes of Perfect Chocolate from the table, the packaging was very expensive.

Yu Yan handed it to her: "Take it back and share it."

Girls love to eat chocolate, An Ning immediately forgot about the previous embarrassment, and blurted out, "Mr. Cheng brought it?"

Yu Yan paused for a moment before realizing something: "You know?"

"..." An Ning realized that she had slipped the tongue, and quickly made up for it: "Ah, what, I ran into Mr. Cheng in the elevator after dinner yesterday."

No wonder they couldn't wait for the hot and sour noodles last night. I dare to say that the two have met each other a long time ago.Didn't Cheng Shen already know that he didn't have dinner?Last night, he still stupidly took the initiative to explain it, but that person knew it all!

Play as a pig and eat a tiger.

Yu Yan felt ashamed for a while, as if someone had pinched her pigtail.

He drove An Ning out without saying a word, and looked at the steaming buns on the table, needless to say, Cheng Shen must have ordered them to deliver.

Yu Yan had just vomited, and he didn't want to eat chocolate or hot buns, so he poked open the soy milk and took a couple of sips, which would not spoil Cheng Shen's intentions.Then he turned on the computer, and the latest issue of the magazine required him to write an article with the theme "Hope".

This manuscript will be submitted at the end of this week, and it has been delayed for a few days. Yu Yan has not been able to write a word so far.

The soy milk bottomed out, Yu Yan's mouth was bitter, he didn't touch the chocolate in his hand, he folded it to the bedside and took the cigarette and lighter in his hand.He remembers to eat but not to fight, he just forgot what he just promised last night.

With a cigarette in his left hand, Yu Yan leaned against the back of the chair, kept scrolling the mouse, and the screen changed, from the forest to the sea, from the field to the clear sky, he flipped through the pictures page by page, trying to find the inspiration for "hope".

But it's a pity that these two words seem to disappear out of thin air in my life, and I can't find them everywhere.

After one cigarette was burned out, Yu Yan lit another.

The restless emotions surged again, this time even the nicotine couldn't suppress it.Yu Yan pushed away the chair and paced back and forth in the room.He never thought that one day he would run out of talent and ideas, identity, experience, as he grows older, there will only be more things to pour out, instead of pulling himself apart like now, leaving nothing inside.

After wandering around the room for half an hour, Yu Yan returned to the computer, and mechanically typed a line of words with his fingers.He stared at the jumping cursor, deleted one by one after 3 minutes, then re-wrote a sentence, and deleted it again after 5 minutes.

After going back and forth like this for an hour, the screen was still blank.

This isn't the first time this has happened, it's been like this for the past week.Yu Yan told himself to get used to this state, there were many examples in textbooks when he was young.He is neither disabled nor weak, but he should be able to stand up quickly after a little blow.

But he stared at the blank page, feeling helpless from the bottom of his heart.The feeling of not being able to start in a field that you are familiar with is terrible.

·

At two o'clock in the afternoon, the signing will start on time.

Yu Yan politely responded to the reader's concern, and walked quickly on the page with his palm.

He has been too thin recently, the kind that can be seen at a glance, and his complexion has always been unwell, and he is obviously not in good spirits.

Yu Yan is very worried that readers will think too much, and then post some remarks about him being "abuse" on the Internet.He is also trying his best to adjust, but the effect is almost zero. This body is not under his control now.

"Mr. Nanyan, you have lost a lot of weight recently." The reader looked at Yu Yan with distress: "Is it too tiring to do the signing, but it can be canceled. We are more worried about your physical condition."

Yu Yan smiled at the other party: "I'm a little tired, but it will be over soon, thank you for your concern."

He has said such words recently, he doesn't know how many times, and he feels that the explanation is so pale.

Yu Yan also felt that the signings could not go on any longer, and the website intended for him to hold a few more, but his condition was really bad, and he was tired of going out every day, so he just wanted to find a secluded corner to hide in.Not only that, he is increasingly unable to cope with the various gazes of readers, caring, liking or adoring, he feels ashamed and unworthy of these.Every time the show ends, his back gets soaked. It is because he puts too much psychological burden on himself, so he is probably no longer suitable to face the public.The previous signing has already been decided, even if it is uncomfortable, he has to finish it, but in the future, he doesn't want to do it again.

Three hours later, the signing was coming to an end. Many readers who got their signatures had already left, and some remained to stick to the end.

The brim of Yu Yan's hat was pressed down very low, and only the small area of ​​the signature remained in the fundus of his eyes.

It stands to reason that the meeting place should gradually become quiet at this time, but for some reason, there are more whispers around, and there are even uncontrollable exclamations.

A book was handed in front of him, and Yu Yan's movements were mechanically like replicas.

Before he finished signing, he heard a familiar chuckle above his head.

"Mr. Nanyan, do you have an appointment later?"

When the tip of the pen flicked, the marker pen left a big black spot on the paper.

Yu Yan raised his head in surprise, his face covered by glasses and hat brim was completely exposed in front of the visitor.

"How about it, can I treat you to dinner?"

Yu Yan's heart suddenly started beating wildly. He stared blankly at Cheng Shen, who had changed out of his suit when he went out in the morning, and replaced it with a comfortable sweater and slacks, like a literary youth who just came out to hang out after taking a nap at home.

Cheng Shen pulled the corner of his mouth and smiled, raised his hand and snapped his fingers: "Return to God."

Yu Yan hurriedly lowered his head. There were still people waiting in line behind him. He quickly signed his name: "Go to the lounge and wait for me."

Cheng Shen took the book and left contentedly. An Ning had seen him a long time ago, but was caught by Cheng Shen's sharp eyes, and didn't dare to say anything.The goal of giving surprises was achieved, she was afraid of neglecting this big Buddha, and respectfully invited people behind the scenes.

The readers waiting around originally only saw a handsome guy with long legs, but who knows that the plot is going to be a bit magical. The handsome guy seems to know Mr. Nanyan, and the expressions on both sides seem to be a surprise attack.

The brave one immediately asked: "Teacher Nan Yan! Is that handsome guy just now your friend!"

"Ah," Yu Yan would not lie: "Yes."

"He's so handsome! Do you have a girlfriend?"

Yu Yan froze for an instant, his expression froze, and a chill came up from his tailbone.

"He..." Yu Yan squeezed the pen in his hand for no reason, took a deep breath before continuing: "Yes."

Yu Yan doesn't want to think about these things, but it seems that everyone and everything are reminding him that Cheng Shen shouldn't be with him, he should find a woman who is beautiful, good enough to match him.

woman.

Yu Yan repeated silently in his heart.

If he hadn't come home suddenly that night, there would be a woman beside Cheng Shen at this moment.

That woman was like a poisonous snake hiding in the dark, spitting out letters unscrupulously, arousing Yu Yan's boundless fear and jealousy.

Yu Yan finished signing the last book in a daze, and couldn't laugh anymore.Usually, after the signing session, he would say a few words of thanks to the remaining readers and tell them to go home quickly, but today he was uncharacteristically, turned around and left as if fleeing.

Cheng Shen drank tea in the staff lounge, leisurely flipping through Yu Yan's book.It wasn't the first time he had read this book, but it was the first time he was there to support Yu Yan. He was inevitably a little excited and excited to witness Yu Yan's journey across the border for two years.

The door opened, and Yu Yan walked in, with his hat on and his glasses on, half of his face was hidden in the shadows, no expression could be seen.

"It's over?" Cheng Shen closed the book and reached out to grab Yu Yan, but the man avoided him.He raised his eyes, peeking at Yu Yan's face from below: "What's wrong?"

Yu Yan wiped the sweat from his palms on his clothes, and stepped back three steps away from Cheng Shen: "Why are you here? Aren't you going to have a negotiation meeting today?"

Cheng Shen keenly sensed something unusual. He sat in his seat without moving, trying to make his voice sound calm: "The meeting is over, and the rest of the work is postponed. You are leaving tomorrow, and I want to accompany you."

Yu Yan looked nervous, his eyes behind the glasses were erratic, he seemed to have covered his body with a thin shell, and the hat he refused to take off was a kind of cover.

There were only the two of them in the small lounge, and there was nowhere to hide those prickly emotions in the small space.

"Come here." Cheng Shen opened his hand to Yu Yan, he didn't want to provoke him here, but he wanted Yu Yan to come over by himself.

Yu Yan moved his toes and inhaled lightly without showing any trace.He was aware of his gaffe, many inappropriate emotions seemed to be icebergs emerging from the sea, and he didn't want Cheng Shen to bump his head to death on him.

When he was about to come to the front, Cheng Shen wrapped his arms around Yu Yan and hugged Yu Yan to his lap.The palm of his hand naturally fell behind Yu Yan's back, and he accidentally felt the moisture in his hand.

Cheng Shen took off his glasses and finally saw those foggy eyes.He held Yu Yan's neck and lowered his head: "I thought you would be very happy to see me."

"I'm very happy!" Yu Yan jumped up a little, said without hesitation, and then repeated in a low voice: "...I'm really happy."

Yu Yan felt that he was split in two, one half wanted to get closer to Cheng Shen following instinct, and the other half wanted to stay away from Cheng Shen with alarm bells.He seemed to be pressed on the stove and roasted, his skin was torn apart from the scorched front and back.

Cheng Shen pinched the tender skin on the back of his neck: "In order to match you, I went back and changed my clothes. How about it, do you look like a literary artist?"

Yu Yan was somewhat resistant to Cheng Shen's touch, but he didn't dare to show it, he just rubbed against him, more like flattery.

"Like," Yu Yan couldn't bear the burning pain in his heart, and stabbed at the other party with meaning: "Many little girls look at you."

Cheng Shen raised his eyebrows: "Huh?"

Yu Yan bit his lips, and grabbed the soft plush on Cheng Shen's shoulders with his sweaty hands: "They're younger than me, they...are so cute."

Cheng Shen understood. I don't know what others said to Yu Yan, which reminded him of his "lively and lovely sister".

"Really?" Cheng Shen assumed a posture of disapproval: "When I entered the door, I only saw you, and I didn't see anyone else."

The end of Yu Yan's eyes twitched uncontrollably.

Cheng Shen continued: "But you are quite annoying, why are all your fans girls girls and not a single male fan?"

Yu Yan turned his face to look at him, angrily said: "Who said there is no, not many, but not equal to zero."

Cheng Shen shrugged: "Anyway, I saw me today."

Yu Yan couldn't help but want to choke him: "That's because you came late!" After he realized it, his expression immediately softened, like a loose cloud after the rain: "What did you say?"

Cheng Shen raised his head and bit his chin: "I said I'm your fan."

The chaotic heart gradually calmed down, and Yu Yan was admitted without temper. The high-fire cooking turned into a low-fire simmer, and his heart and lungs were boiled to pieces.

Cheng Shen patted him on the back: "When can I leave?"

"Now you can."

"Then you go and tell them, let's go eat hot pot tonight." Cheng Shen weighed his legs and lifted Yu Yan from his body: "It's raining lightly outside, have you brought your coat?"

Yu Yan said he brought it, and An Ning put it in the car.

Cheng Shen accompanied Yu Yan to pick it up. The man was wet, and Cheng Shen was afraid that he would catch a cold.

Seeing the staff, An Ning came forward and introduced: "This is Mr. Cheng from Shengyan Technology, and a friend of Teacher Yu."

Then introduce the accompanying people in turn.

Cheng Shen nodded, greeted each other, and took Yu Yan away.

The mountain city is cloudy and rainy, Yu Yan specially prepared an umbrella before going out, and it just happened to be used now.Cheng Shen opened the umbrella, embraced Yu Yan's shoulder, and used the shadow to enclose Yu Yan into his territory.

"Where should I go for hot pot?"

Cheng Shen rubbed the back of his head: "There are so many hot pot restaurants in Jiefangbei, why don't you have anything to eat?"

This place is not far from the Jiefangbei, and the two of them used to walk, walking in the rain, a rare leisure, as if back to the time when the university first came to Chongqing for tourism.

Yu Yan gradually let go, and would take the initiative to talk to Cheng Shen.

It was dark and dark, and the streets and alleys were filled with the spicy smell of hot pot.

A shop on the side of the road was almost full of people, Yu Yan tugged at Cheng Shen's sleeve: "Just eat here."

Cheng Shen closed his umbrella and entered the door, choking on the strong peppercorns and sneezed.

There was warmth in Yu Yan's eyes, he didn't know whether it was reflected by the red soup or teased by him.

When the two sat down, Cheng Shen took the initiative to ask, "I want to eat Jiugongge."

Yu Yan held the menu and glanced at him: "Mandarin duck."

Cheng Shen asked the waiter for an apron before he ate it, and said as he tied it, "If you're a man, don't be cowardly. Don't you claim to be able to eat spicy food? Every time you eat hot pot, you order mandarin ducks, which is boring."

Yu Yan raised the corners of his lips, and drew a big circle on the "Mandarin Duck Pot" with a pencil.

He can eat spicy food, but Cheng Shen can't.

They have been together for so many years and know each other's preferences well. Yu Yan ordered a good dish for Cheng Shen, and Cheng Shen only added a brown sugar glutinous rice cake.

While waiting for the food, Cheng Shen used his mobile phone to reply to a few work messages, muttering: "I have been training for so many years, and I can eat Jiugongge."

With a sip of lime water in his mouth, Yu Yan joked, "See how many glasses of water you want to drink later."

After a while, the bottom of the pot was on the shelf, one side was red and the other was white.Cheng Shen put the phone aside and asked Yu Yan about his future work arrangements.

Yu Yan put vegetables in the pot, half of red soup and half of clear soup, very fair.

He replied: "Tomorrow morning, I will take the high-speed train to Chengdu. After the signing meeting in the afternoon, I will fly to Xi'an, stay for two days, and then go to Tianjin. There is a reading summit in Tianjin, and I will return to Beicheng after the meeting."

"Fortunately, the schedule is not as tense as before." Cheng Shen was waiting to eat with his chopsticks, and pointed Jiang Shan: "Put my rice cake in."

Yu Yan said: "The website wanted me to do more shows, but I refused."

Cheng Shen stopped, looking at Yu Yan's hazy face through the hot air.

"I..." Yu Yan put the last piece of rice cake into the pot, before he could say anything later, Cheng Shen's cell phone rang.

Cheng Shen glanced at the incoming call, reached out and pressed it.Ask Yu Yan: "What do you want to say?"

Yu Yan shook his head: "Nothing."

He fished a piece of frozen tofu in the pot: "It's cooked, let's eat."

The topic came to an abrupt end, and the atmosphere in the store was very hot, but the dinner table fell into an inexplicable silence because of a phone call.

Yu Yan started talking about other topics, and his smiling face looked the same as usual.

At the middle of the meal, glistening sweat broke out on Yu Yan's forehead, and red oil rolled over his lips, making him hot and red.He didn't drink a glass of water, and he didn't even touch the clear soup pot with his chopsticks.

Cheng Shen tapped the chopsticks he stretched out: "Drink some water, your stomach will hurt after eating such spicy food."

Yu Yan swallowed the mouthful, and drank water obediently.

Cheng Shen glanced at the empty plate next to him: "I'm usually full after eating a little, why are you so powerful today?"

Yu Yan didn't feel it at first, but when Cheng Shen said it, he felt a little overwhelmed.

"I'll eat less." Yu Yan said, "Maybe I'm tired today."

Just as he finished speaking, an uncertain female voice came from beside him: "Teacher Nan Yan?"

Yu Yan was slightly taken aback, and subconsciously looked over.He didn't wear glasses or a hat, and he didn't expect to be recognized by readers.

"It's really you! Teacher Nan Yan, I'm your fan!" The girl sat at the table next to her, and walked in the aisle next to Yu Yan: "You held the autograph sale in Chongqing today, right! It's a pity, I didn't get it Infield tickets!"

There were men and women who were eating with the girl, and they all looked over at this time.Yu Yan wiped his mouth and smiled at the girl: "Hello."

The girl heard that the accent was from a local, and her temperament was quite straightforward, so she came over directly from her seat and squatted in front of Yu Yan: "Mr. Nan Yan, since we met by such a coincidence, can you sign me too! "

Yu Yan didn't put on airs, and nodded: "Sure, but I didn't bring a pen when I came out."

The girl cheered and hurried to look through the bag.He should still be at school age, and he randomly picked out the wrong question book.She turned to the blank page and handed over the pen: "Mr. Nanyan, I am a senior in high school this year, can you write two more words of encouragement?"

"it is good."

Yu Yan started to write, and the words written with his thin wrist were strong and powerful.

He wrote in the blank space: "There will be times when the wind and the waves break, hang straight..."

Suddenly, Cheng Shen's phone on the table rang again.

He subconsciously scanned the screen, a string of unfamiliar numbers without notes.

Cheng Shen pressed the button again.

Yu Yan went on to write: "... Yunfan helps the sea."

"Mr. Nanyan, your handwriting is so beautiful!" The girl said happily, "I still have my signature!"

Yu Yan turned to sign: "Nan..."

"Om-"

Cheng Shen received a text message on his phone.

Yu Yan clenched his hand and accidentally drew a slash on the paper.

"Sorry, I'll rewrite it."

"No need, no trouble, just keep writing, it looks good too!"

Yu Yan smiled bluntly and finished writing the last word.

When the girl got the autograph, she was so happy that she wanted to come up and hug him: "Mr. Nanyan, thank you so much! I will definitely study hard, and you will come to Chongqing again for the signing event!"

"If there is a chance, I will." Yu Yan said, returning the pen to him.

The girl took the pen and smiled without malice: "Mr. Nanyan, is it because the hot pot restaurant is too hot, your palms are sweating."

The girl sat back.

Yu Yan stared at the boiling red pot, the previous anxious feeling surged up again, the slow simmering turned into boiling oil frying, the hot air was sucked into the nostrils and blocked his chest, making him feel out of breath.

Cheng Shen read the text message, turned off the screen, and was about to stuff the phone into his pocket.

Then the call came in for the third time.

Yu Yan couldn't get out of that tone, he raised his eyes halfway, and looked at Cheng Shen coldly and shiveringly.

He is sensitive and suspicious, and the seeds of anxiety are provoking his nerves all the time. An unintentional remark at the signing party has already dropped a stone in his heart.

Yu Yan couldn't hold back the thoughts in his heart, the insomnia, nightmares, loss of appetite, and even the inability to write a single word of the manuscript drove him to a desperate situation.

He is not happy, and he is full of malice and does not let others be happy.

Her lips were burning hot, and her up and down touches showed her coolness: "Go ahead, don't avoid me."