i go to utopia

I believe that people will always encounter various difficulties in their lives. No matter what kind of person they are, there will always be times when they feel embarrassed. When I was in poverty, when I went out for dinner with my roommates, I had no money. There are various reasons to refuse, and most of my classmates will refuse when they have dinner together. My relationship with my classmates during college was not very good. Because of my poverty and a little self-esteem when I was young, my four-year college life was a bit lonely. and hard work.

There will always be some fantasies like superheroes in one's life, maybe it can save you from fire and water, maybe you can save anyone from fire and water, during my most difficult years, the school was on holiday and there was no one there At night in the dormitory, I lie on the hard bed in the dormitory, occasionally fantasizing about whether there is someone who can make my life easier.

But at my age, the so-called easy and simple summary is that you have money.

Qiu Shui caught a glimpse of me in Yongkang and followed me to Shangmian City. He followed me and always had to figure out something. It couldn't be a simple human observation log.

He doesn't like to talk, and he is in a very tense state most of the time when he is face to face with me. I need to use his behavior and body language to guess what he should say that he hasn't expressed.

But the logic of his behavior is a bit strange. He would cry inexplicably because I kissed him, would tell me that he was disappointed in me, and would be tense because I asked him if he was short of money, and quickly adjusted after a short time With all the emotions, he stared at me with his black and white eyes for a long time and asked me: "Do you talk to everyone who is short of money like this?"

**

The chat between Qiu Shui and I at night was not very pleasant. He was standing at the door when he left the study. From my perspective, I could see that he seemed to be rubbing his fingers a little nervously, and then he said to me very politely: " Thank you very much for your care during this time, I will leave early tomorrow morning."

Before I could speak, he stood still and even bowed slightly in my direction, then turned around and left.

The next day at 04:30 in the afternoon, I sent Yan Lan to the high-speed rail station, and he sat in the car and touched his chin and smiled: "You drove him away in the middle of the night last night, is he an emotional fraud?"

I heard this and glanced at him.

Yan Lan innocently blinked his eyes at me: "You think people like you, but in fact people don't like you much at all, do you? You see, you are being passionate, brother. You thought so much about yourself before, but it turned out It's all in vain, right?"

In my life, Yan Lan is not allowed to take advantage of my words. I hummed while driving: "Yeah, I don't think so much when we meet next time. I just throw it on the bed. Let's talk about it when I feel comfortable. If I ask him later, I will apologize to him." Sorry, I misunderstood what he meant."

Yan Lan gave a disgusted "Hey" and called me a vulgar animal.

I said, "You are not vulgar, you replaced all the hundreds of gigabytes of files in your computer with Marxism-Leninism."

"..." Yan Lan had nothing to say, he turned his head out of the car window, frowning for a while, "I have to face torture again when I go home, when will I be free?"

I babbled nonsense while driving: "Your mentality is not right."

Yan Lan replied to me: "You're not single if you've put your mind right."

I glanced at him, and he reached out and turned on the car radio silently. After the car drove out of Wutong Road, the traffic volume began to increase. Chen Xiaoxia's song 'I Can't Find This Person' ordered by my friend."

In the song, the girl's voice is hoarse, and she sings this song softly in a whisper-like tone.

The melody of the lyrics is very simple, and you can almost sing along after repeating it twice. Yan Lan sat in the co-pilot and hummed along with the rhythm through her nasal cavity.

"There is no such person, they say there is no such person."

After singing a song, I turned onto the viaduct, and Yan Lan asked me suddenly: "Brother, what kind of mood do you think you think of you?" He spoke vaguely, but it was very easy for me to understand .

I asked: "What mood?"

Yan Lan asked: "It's you and him, do you feel melancholy or a little ridiculous when you think about it now?"

"..." I glanced at Yan Lan, "Are you very curious?"

Yan Lan: "Who isn't curious yet?"

I said to Yan Lan: "You know the story of Liang Zhu, right?"

Yan Lan quickly nodded her head twice: "As for the story of Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai who fell in love and couldn't be together, they died in love in the end, and they turned into butterflies together in the end, please, I'm not illiterate, okay?! "

I tapped slightly on the steering wheel with my finger: "Yes, you are not illiterate, you are educated."

Yan Lan clicked her tongue in disgust: "What happened to Liang Zhu?"

I said: "Liang Zhu is like that. In the stories of thousands of years ago in China, there is only a pair of Liang Zhu who died of love and turned into butterflies. Calling for help; those who jumped into the river began to swim to the shore before the water flooded their chests; in fact, the worst suicide was successful, but in fact only two corpses were left. The moth still has to see if it has that fate."

Yan Lan smacked her lips twice, seemed to think for a moment, and then said loudly that I was talking nonsense: "You have read so many stories in China for thousands of years, how do you know that there is only a pair of Butterfly Lovers who have turned into butterflies?"

I glanced at Yan Lan, feeling ridiculous because of him.

After a long while, Yan Lan said to herself again: "So you are the kind who turns into a moth, right?"

I laughed: "You are the moth."

**

Many years ago, I hadn’t learned to swim. The first thing I did after I was barely financially rich was to sign up for adult swimming lessons. There were ten lessons in total, and I went to the swimming pool intermittently for three months. Time to learn to swim.

At that time, the person who jumped into the river with me was a student from the town below who was admitted to Changkang No. [-] Middle School. He has been fishing for fish and shrimps by the river since he was a child. Watching and then holding hands and jumping down, they made a promise of never abandoning each other in life and death.June is the month when the water level of Changkang River rises, and the river rushes from far away and brings the breath of far away.

Many eager people used to defecate in this stretch of river. There were also elderly women who washed the whole family’s clothes on the bank to save water bills. There were also young couples who spent summer nights in the river. Taste the forbidden fruit in the nearby weeds, and wash away the breath of the other party in the river afterwards.The river contained the smell of the entire city, and possibly the rainwater of the world, and the scent of tens of thousands of human bodies.At that time, it filled all the senses of my body with this complex and huge stench.

Regardless of whether it is voluntary or not, human beings will always struggle repeatedly before death. This probably belongs to the survival instinct of human beings. This is the truth that others told me.

After successfully learning to swim for many years in the future, I deliberately went to the beach in a coastal city to try to do an experiment for myself.

The experiment is about the survival instinct of human beings. At that time, I barely loved my life-I graduated from university, found my job, and my life was getting better step by step.So after going into the sea, I just swam for tens of meters on the sea surface and then swam back to the shore, so until now I don't know whether human beings have this survival instinct.

Will it drag the dying people to survive after discussing how to die in love with others, after the story of the river leading millions of people to die?

I remember that I was almost unable to open my mouth to speak when I was drowned by the river, but when he pulled me out of the water, I could even find the strength to curse-didn't you fucking say you were going to die with me? !

I don't remember his expression. There were no lights on the dark river at night, and his facial features were blurred by water and tears. He shouted my name in the water.

"Li Cu, Li Cu, Li Cu—"

I heard him break down and yell for help.

Then I was rescued. When the ambulance carried me on the stretcher, I vaguely saw him wrapped in a thin blanket standing not far from me. He was crying very sadly, as if there was nothing better in this world. Death is like something more heartbreaking.

He told me that he can swim. This is his instinct. After entering the water, his hands and feet simply don't follow the instinctive movements directed by the brain.

Oh, the human body has a survival instinct.

So Liang Zhu can turn into a butterfly after dying in love, but ordinary people can only become moths after dying in love.

This is a trivial little truth that I realized in my later life.

**

When I arrived at the high-speed rail station, Yan Lan unbuttoned her seat belt and glanced at me. She didn't know if she was teasing me for being addicted or something, and she laughed meanly: "Do you think Qiushui can become my little sister-in-law in the future?"

I was a little disgusted by this term, so I quickly rolled my eyes at him: "Fuck your mother, get out!"

Yan Lan held the car door and was about to open it. Hearing this, she looked at me exaggeratedly: "Brother, you are swearing!!"

I stretched out my hand to unfasten my seat belt to beat him, but he jumped out of the car with a groan, and after closing the co-pilot's door, I pressed the window and called out to him: "Yan Lan."

He stood at the door of the car and hadn't left yet. He poked his head in and looked at me: "Oh brother."

"Smoking less cigarettes and playing less games, it's almost enough." I said.

Yan Lan stretched out her hand and scratched her head: "Okay, leave me alone, take care of yourself, and call me if you need anything."

I responded, and Yan Lan stepped back half a step and waved at me: "Okay, let's go."

I closed the car window, and Yan Lan walked towards the station with his bag on his back. It was the same way when Yan Lan came to look for me and left several years ago. He got his car and went back the same way.

In the evening, I boiled some seafood porridge for myself at home to solve the problem of dinner. I went to the study to read the material books. At 09:30, I went out of the study to go to the bathroom to bathe myself. At ten o’clock, I lay down on the bed and read some books before going to bed.

My life schedule has always been very good, except for the unavoidable work problem, nothing can affect my good work and rest habits. I turned off the desk lamp at 10:30, and the room fell into silence.

At night, I had a nightmare. I dreamed that I was struggling in the water, struggling to surface. Before I was exhausted, my mind suddenly became clear, and I even started to remind myself——Li Cuo, you can swim , you go to the swimming pool once a week, and you swim very well.Then I moved my hands and feet slowly to free myself from the suffocation, and I swam slowly towards the shore, slowly.

After swimming for a few meters, I heard someone calling my name behind me. It was the person I was very familiar with, the person I hadn’t seen for a long time, the person who told me to live and die together but failed in the end. He was desperate behind me He asked for help, and he said, "Li Cu, help me."

"Li Cu, please save me."

I looked back at him in my dream, and then told him seriously: "You can swim by yourself, you won't drown, you have to swim out by yourself."

After I finished speaking, I swam to the shore on my own. I swam for a long time until my alarm clock rang me up. Because I had weird dreams for most of the night, I was a little tired and rested quietly on the bed. for a while.