i go to utopia

I've spent a long time in my adult life looking for reasons in human relationships, why do you want to be the parent of a child, why you want to be the teacher of a student, why you want to be the partner of your partner, but people and The relationship between people is complicated, and there will never be an eternal answer to such endless human problems.

For example, when my 40-year-old mother was dying, did she ever think about why she gave birth to me, and what kind of mentality did my mother's brother, a compatriot, take care of my so-called "rebel" nephew? , What kind of pointing and pointing made my biological father leave his hometown and completely lost contact with me, and what kind of mood did my love partner jump off the Changkang Bridge with me.

Such similar problems have plagued me for a long time, making me habitually look for reasons in intimate relationships.

After passing through the [-]th year, my mood calmed down, and I began to be able to accept all kinds of reasons in the relationship between people very gently that are not easy to explain to outsiders.

Just like at this moment Qiushui suddenly turned pale under my not-so-polite temptation, as if frightened, I can calmly analyze whether I have misunderstood something.

Qiu Shui's face was pale under the light in the corridor, as if he was seriously ill. He raised his eyes to stare at me, and the light in the corridor flickered in his pupils. He hoarsely asked for a long time: "All Does anyone who comes to you mean this?"

I tried to make him relax: "No, Yan Lan is not like that."

Qiu Shui let out a long breath with heaving chest, and then he turned his back suddenly to face the wall behind him, his forehead was lightly pressed against the wall, and I saw him raise his hand to cover his eyes , and then his shoulders trembled slightly.

"..." His sudden crying made me really puzzled. I was not very good at dealing with such emotions that I couldn't understand at all, so I stood there dumbfounded for a moment.

The sound of Qiu Shui's nose pumping came intermittently to my ears. I always felt that according to my understanding of his time as a "netizen" in the past few months, he should not be someone who likes to cry when encountering certain things. I thought to myself Let him calm down, but I felt that my words might backfire. I had a headache about this, and finally entered my door code to open the door.

**

After I opened the door, Yan Lan still maintained the same appearance as I left and collapsed on the sofa in the living room. Before I left, he pretended to put out the cigarette and put it back in his mouth. As soon as I opened the door, I could smell the air that filled the room I was a little disgusted by the smell of cigarettes, and frowned, Yan Lan got up very quickly and extinguished the cigarette, and smiled at me as if to please: "Brother, are you back?"

I frowned and waved to him: "Yan Lan, come here."

"Why?" Yan Lan said as she stood up and walked towards the door.

He walked to the door, and I pointed at the door with my finger. Yan Lan looked over: "Qiu Shui?"

Qiu Shui was completely turning his back to our direction at the moment, and replied in a muffled voice: "Yes."

Yan Lan laughed twice: "Don't be so troublesome, can you sleep with your brother tonight?"

I found my own slippers from the shoe cabinet and changed them, and decided very simply to hand over this matter that I can't understand and can't solve at present to Yan Lan. I might not be able to communicate well with me under the inexplicable mood. After I entered the room, I heard Yan Lan laughing behind me and asked Qiu Shui to go to the bathroom to take a bath first.

I sat on my bed when I returned to the room. There were two knocks on the door. Before I could make a sound to let people in, Yan Lan opened the door and looked at me from the outside.

I frowned and looked at him: "Stop smoking at my house, it smells so bad."

Yan Lan walked into my room casually wearing slippers, he closed the door, and complained as he walked: "You taught me to smoke..."

I corrected him: "I didn't teach, you taught yourself." When he was looking for a job after graduating from university, I smoked a lot. At that time, my job was on the rise, and the leader had just changed. Walking from one place to another in the house with a cigarette, Yan Lan looked at it and touched my cigarette and started to smoke. As I smoked, the more I smoked, the more fierce I could not quit.

He walked to my bed, pulled a chair and sat down, raised his finger and pointed at me to the door: "Why are you bullying me, brother, how much older are you? People and children are bullied by you and cry."

"..." I clicked my tongue, confused, "I don't quite understand either."

Yan Lan complained to me: "Have you told me that you can't do anything to young children, has it been an hour so far?"

I stared at Yan Lan for a while.

Yan Lan looked at me suspiciously: "Why?"

I analyzed with Yan Lan: "I saw him when I went back to Changkang at the end of April, and he sent me text messages intermittently for two months after I came back, and now he came directly to find me, I think I was too young to do it, but he couldn’t live in the hotel. When I picked it up again, I asked many times if I wanted to go back to the hotel. He refused to go back. He is young, but he should know what he is doing. Come on, being young is not an excuse, I am older than him and deserve to be teased by him?"

"..." Yan Lan pondered for a moment, then suddenly understood, "Brother, you don't know how to touch green tea, do you? Is there such a saying in your gay circle?"

This word is very new, I humbly ask for advice: "Green tea?"

Yan Lan yelled: "I don't quite understand what this means, anyway, I heard people say it, it probably means that the outside is innocent and harmless, but behind the scenes is a scheming bitch who is good at playing with other people's feelings."

"..." I pondered for a moment when I heard the words, and Yan Lan began to ask enthusiastically again: "Then what are you going to do with him?"

Yan Lan has had such a strange hobby since a long time ago, and she is very concerned about my relationship issues. Watching the excitement is no big deal. I thought about it and said: "Wait for someone to calm down and have a good talk with him."

Yan Lan nodded: "What about after the talk?"

I laughed: "It's time to delete the contact information."

Yan Lan looked at me: "So simple?"

I raised my eyebrows at him, a little puzzled: "Otherwise what should I do?"

Yan Lan shrugged, and stood up from the chair after a while: "Then I'm leaving." After taking two steps towards the door, he remembered something and said, "Yes, I can sleep on the sofa tonight."

I said, "Whatever you want."

**

A few minutes after Yan Lan left my room, my phone vibrated. I took it and looked at it. Qiushui sent me a text message. There was no word at all, only a short period, as if to test whether I As if falling asleep, I thought for a while and thought that all the things I encountered today should be resolved today, so I called him.

The phone rang for a long time before it was picked up slowly.

"Autumn water."

"..."

I said, "Tell me again if you have anything to do, come and tell me face to face."

Qiu Shui didn't speak, I said, "I'm dead."

He muffled a half nasal voice: "No."

I held back my temper and tried to be calm: "Qiu Shui, I'm not your real brother, nor any of your relatives. I have no reason to tolerate your temper and temperament."

"Why?" He was still muffled, as if choking.

"It's common sense," I said.

Qiu Shui stated in a very calm tone: "Because you kissed me, but I didn't respond to your satisfaction."

"..." I was dumbfounded for a moment, and felt very funny under the silence. Qiushui was indeed very sincere in his every move. He said what he thought of, and he came directly to see whoever he wanted to see, regardless of whether others would find it troublesome or not. The hotel put forward those reasons that are obviously excuses. He is really very sincere, which is the sincerity I have never seen in my life. He follows his most intuitive feelings and says what he really thinks in his heart, and he doesn't care whether the listener will because of it. He was offended by these words.

So he turned his head and cried because of my simple touch at the door because he was really sad, because he was sad for a reason that I don't know now.

I sat on the edge of my bed, tapped my bed with my fingers in some annoyance, and then relieved: "Qiu Shui, you go to the study and wait for me, let's have a chat." I said.

There was silence for a while.

I tried to soften my tone and asked him softly: "Yes?"

After hanging up the phone, I sat in the room and waited for 5 minutes before getting up and walking towards the study.

**

Because the house I bought is not very big, and I live alone, so the study is not too big. When I went in with water, the lights in the study were already on. Qiushui was standing in front of the wall of my bookcase and seriously Looking at the books on my bookcase, I paused when I heard the sound of the door opening, and turned sideways in my direction without turning around or speaking.

I walked over and said, "I won't sleep well after drinking tea at night, let's drink some water." I put the water glass on my desk, pushed it in his direction, and then sat on my chair.

Qiu Shui responded with a muffled voice.

I said, "Qiu Shui, sit down."

He glanced back at me, then looked away very quickly.

I tapped my fingers on my desktop, and said slowly, "Qiu Shui, you have to explain to me clearly why you have been in touch with me all this time."

Qiu Shui put his hands in his trouser pockets, and his head, which had been staring at the bookcase, drooped slightly. His hair was long, and when he lowered his head, it fell lazily. I heard him say: "I want to know you .”

I nodded: "Why do you want to know me?"

Qiu Shui stopped talking.

I changed the subject: "Then tell me why you came to me."

Qiu Shui said, "I want to go to college here."

I said, "When does the university start?"

Qiu Shui: "At the end of August."

"What month is it?" I asked.

Qiu Shui: "June."

"Hmm." I replied.

Qiu Shui turned his head to look at me, and he pursed his lips.

I asked him: "Then do you want to go back to Changkang with Yan Lan tomorrow?"

Qiu Shui looked up at me, he didn't even open his mouth, and spit out the word "no" from the crack of his lips.

I frowned, leaned back behind me, and sighed: "I knew it was so hard to communicate with you, I should have blocked you when you sent me the first text message."

Qiu Shui stared at me without blinking.

I simply asked directly: "Do you like me?"

Qiu Shui's eyes opened, and I could see his lips trembling for a moment because of my words, and he turned his head away abruptly.

I said: "If I misunderstood, you have to explain to me what your demands are for sticking to me all the time."

"..." He still didn't speak.

I was a little helpless: "Qiu Shui, your mouth is like a clam shell. It seems that you need something to pry it open. It is really difficult to communicate with you."

"..." He still didn't speak.

I was a little distressed, and after thinking for a long time, I said to him: "You can be considered an adult now, shall we communicate according to the way adults communicate, Qiu Shui?"

"..."

"You can borrow a night at my house tonight. If you want to go home with Yan Lan tomorrow, you can go home with him. If you don't want to..." I paused, "I also hope that you can solve your own problems okay?"

"..." He still didn't speak.

"After tonight, I will delete your contact information. I really like you, but not in such a way. We both have our own lives and reasons, right?"

As soon as I finished speaking, Qiu Shui's nasal voice came over: "That's not right."

I accepted his opinion very humbly: "Why is it wrong?"

He looked up at me, his eyes were red: "It's because you kissed me and I didn't give you a satisfactory reaction, so you let me go."

"..." This kid really struggled to communicate. I took a sip of water and replied helplessly, "If you think so, then you are right."

He stretched out his hand and began to rub his eyes, and replied to me with a slight choke after a long while: "I'm disappointed..."

I wondered: "What do you expect from me?" Seeing that he was about to cry again, I persuaded him, "You don't like to cry that much, do you?"

Qiu Shui wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, and answered me with a choked voice: "You made me cry—" He paused for a while, and then said, "You made me cry twice today."

His way of complaining about grievances with me is so familiar that I can't help but doubt my own memory. I hesitate to ask him: "Qiu Shui, have I seen you before?"

Hearing this, he didn't reply to my words, he just paused, buried his head on his legs, his whole back trembled from sobbing.

"..." I have never had such an experience of making people cry so many times in my life, and I felt a little irritated instantly. This irritability made me stand up from my seat, and I walked a few steps in a small area .

Qiu Shui's crying voice came from between his legs again: "Li Cu, you let me down, you let me down..."

"I don't know why you expected me, but it's obviously wrong." I frowned.

Qiu Shui raised his head to look at me, his eyes were red from crying, this angle made him look a little pitiful, and this made me feel even more irritable.

Qiu Shui stared at me with his reddish eyes: "You will be satisfied with what you do when you kiss someone else?"

"..." This topic is a bit jumpy, so I didn't react for a while.

"You want others to respond to you, hug you, send yourself to your arms, and send yourself to your bed, are you satisfied?" His nose was also a little red, like a bullied little animal.

I have to sigh that I can't keep up with the thinking logic of contemporary children. I don't know how he jumped from one or two to one hundred. I glanced at him and said helplessly, "You are unreasonable."

He raised the back of his hand and wiped his eyes: "I don't want to delete the contact information." He spoke again suddenly.

I stared at him for a long time, feeling that I was facing an unreasonable child who had just learned to speak, I shook my head: "You are so unreasonable."

He squatted on the ground for a while, still raised his face, looked at me pitifully with red eyes and red nose.

I sat back on the chair again, propped my chin to look at Qiushui who was squatting on the ground: "Stop squatting on the floor, find a stool and sit up." I looked at him like this and laughed a little, "Qiu Shui, you should be a cool little brother , not a delicate baby."

After he heard the words, I clearly saw a blush flying quickly on his face, and he pressed the back of his hand to his cheek, and slowly stood up from the ground.

I was angry and funny: "Qiu Shui, you can't bully me like this just because I'm more than ten years older than you."

"..." He raised his eyes and glanced at me secretly.

I asked him, "Are you short of money?"

The red glow that flew up on his face quickly fell down again, his face became pale again, his lips trembled slightly, and he didn't speak.

I think Qiushui's sincerity lies in this. After several months of chatting, I found that he will not say what he doesn't want to say, but he will not lie about these things.

I put my hand on my chin and stared at him, and told him slowly: "If you need money, I can give it to you."

"..." He raised his eyes and glanced at me.

I smiled at him: "Compared to the inexplicable relationship, the relationship maintained by money will be easier for me."

What I told him was the truth. Among all the relationships, the relationship without any reason is of course the most moving, but the relationship concluded with a reason is the simplest and most traceable to me.

Food and sex, Yan Lan is right.

I just found out that Qiu Shui is a very good-looking child.