if i could love you

Jiaoer looked at the WeChat message sent by Li Li, and told her intuitively that Li Li was going to confess everything to her.Whether it is to take a step forward, or retreat to the position of a friend, or even fail to be a friend, everything will be known until the day when school starts, that is, tomorrow.Thinking of this, Jiaoer's temples throbbed.What's going on here?Didn't you always expect Li Li to give her an explanation?Now there is panic for no reason.Jiao Er rubbed his temples and smiled wryly, he must be the good dragon Ye Gong!

If Li Li said, Wen Jiaoer, the kiss that day was just a spur of the moment, don't take it seriously.What should she do?If Li Li said, I was joking that day, you didn't take it to heart, did you?What should she say?Or Li Li would say, I still have someone I like in my heart, and it was my fault to kiss you that day.How should she answer?Or, there is another possibility, Li Li will say, Jiao Er, why don't we be together!

Thinking of this, Wen Jiaoer couldn't help laughing himself, it was just a wry smile, laughing at himself was wishful thinking.How could Li Li say such things to himself?Wen Jiaoer, who was held in the hands of everyone since she was a child, never thought that after meeting love, she would be in such a depressed state!In such a passive position in the relationship, not only being led by the nose, but also like a prisoner waiting for trial.It's just that she, a prisoner, dare not take any chances and just wait for tomorrow's execution.

Wen Jiaoer, who was full of worries, almost didn't sleep well all night.When she appeared at the dinner table with a tired face the next morning, she gave Mother Wen a real shock.

"Look at the dark circles under your eyes! Didn't you sleep well last night?" Mother Wen leaned forward again, looked at Wen Jiaoer's face, her eyebrows twitched, and then said, "Look at this face!"

"I got up to look in the mirror just now, and it's not as bad as you said!" Jiao Er touched her face, trying to show her energy.

"Is school starting today? I was so nervous that I didn't sleep well last night?" Papa Wen, who was sitting beside him having breakfast, asked, with a worried look on his face.

"It's the beginning of school today, so it's not that I'm so nervous that I can't sleep well. It's just that I stayed up late last night because I played with my mobile phone. I slept pretty well." Wen Jiaoer's eyes were curved, showing a smiling face.

"Didn't I tell you? Don't stay up late when you have nothing to do! I didn't have a good rest when I was on the set, and I didn't sleep well at home! What will you do when you get old?!" Mother Wen stopped when she heard her daughter staying up late. not come down.

"Okay, I got it! I'll catch up on sleep after dinner!" Wen Jiaoer quickly stopped her mother's nagging, drank the soy milk in one gulp, stuffed a steamed bun into her mouth quickly, and then slipped back own bedroom.

"Hey! You child, you still think I'm annoying, don't you?" Mother Wen was in the restaurant, and it seemed that she still refused to let Wen Jiaoer go.

"I also find you annoying!" Papa Wen said quietly while eating at the side.

"Hey! You two are really going to rebel!" Mother Wen raised her eyebrows, and flew towards Father Wen with a sharp glance.

Wen Jiaoer was not in the mood to listen to the bickering between her mother and father, she was lying on the bed without any sleepiness.In a few hours, she will go to see her judge. How can a person who is about to know her death sentence sleep?She was thinking about what to wear to meet Li Li.Anyway, when a person is about to die, it is better to seek a good-looking posture, at least the momentum cannot be lost.

Thinking like this, Wen Jiaoer opened the closet to pick out clothes.She picked out a dark gray turtleneck sweater, a light gray wool tight midi skirt, and a black thin woolen coat on the outside.As for the makeup, the eye makeup is also dark gray eyeshadow, and the lipstick is Chanel 50 plum color.The whole person is dressed like this, and his temperament is indeed much stronger than usual.

When Wen Jiaoer was looking at himself in the mirror, his phone suddenly vibrated.

"I've already arrived at school, waiting for you in the dormitory."

It's Li Li.

What should come must come!Jiao Er stared at the phone for a while before replying, "Okay, I see. I'll be there in a while."

never mind!It would be better to end it sooner!She dialed the assistant's phone number, "Sister Yang, call the driver to pick me up now!"

When the nanny's car stopped downstairs at Jiaoer's house, Wen Jiaoer pulled his suitcase and said goodbye to his mother, "Mom, I'm going back to school!"

Mother Wen, who was addicted to TV dramas, didn't realize it for a moment, she nodded and said go, but immediately realized something was wrong, "Hey! Why did you go back to school so early today?"

"Winter vacation just started, go back early and pack up." When Wen Jiaoer was talking, he still didn't let go of the suitcase in his hand.

"Also, why are you wearing such old-fashioned clothes? It's spring, why don't you dress brighter?! This make-up is also..."

Before Mother Wen finished speaking, she was interrupted by Wen Jiaoer, "Mom, this is popular!"

"Why don't you just say that there is a generation gap between us?" Mother Wen was obviously dissatisfied with Wen Jiaoer interrupting her.

"The driver and assistant are waiting for me downstairs. I won't tell you anymore. I'm leaving." Wen Jiaoer, who was full of thoughts, didn't have the energy to argue with her mother.

On the way back to school, Jiao Er was silent all the time.The assistant looked at her starlet's outfit that didn't match her own temperament, and couldn't help asking, "Jiaoer, what you're wearing today doesn't match your previous style?"

"Isn't it pretty?" Jiaoer asked.

"It's not that it's not good-looking, but I feel that the whole person is a lot more serious." The assistant looked at him seriously again.

"Yeah. It's good to be serious." Jiao Er turned her head to the window while talking.

The assistant looked at his little star with a sad face, a little confused, so he just shut up and stopped talking.

When she got to the school, Jiao Er told the assistant not to send her up, the box was not heavy, just carry it up by herself.She stood in front of the bedroom door, and was about to adjust her breathing before entering, when the door was suddenly opened.

Li Li stood at the other end of the door. She was wearing a white hooded sweater today.The lower body is cropped blue straight-leg jeans, and a pair of white sneakers are worn on the feet, revealing a section of white socks.She tied her ponytail, revealing her full forehead and slightly heroic facial features. She also had well-painted eye makeup, which was a gentle chocolate color, her blush was a bit like orange, and her lipstick was the color of red bean paste.

Could it be the tube of Armani lip gloss I gave you?Thinking of this, Wen Jiaoer despised himself again in his heart.When is it, still thinking about this!

"Are you back?" Li Li smiled at her, looking a little embarrassed.

"En." Jiao Er didn't have the strength to respond to Li Li with a smile, but just pulled the box, walked around Li Li and entered the dormitory.

"When I heard footsteps, I knew it was you, so I went to open the door for you." Li Li was taken aback, but then followed Jiaoer.

"What do you want to tell me?" Wen Jiaoer put the suitcase aside and sat on the bed, with a particularly cold look on his face.

"Jiaoer, you, are you a little tired just after you came back? Let's talk about it after you rest for a while?" Li Li's eyes were more gentle than ever before, like a non-aggressive animal.

"It's okay, I'm not tired, let's talk now!" Jiao'er was already ready to beheaded, but the judge said he needed to sharpen the knife.Isn't this torture?With the attitude of early death and early life, Wen Jiaoer said a word in a daze.

On the other hand, Li Li had a troubled look on his face, and he didn't open his mouth for a long time.

"What's wrong? You don't want to say?" Jiaoer raised his eyebrows to make himself look sharper.

"No", Li Li said immediately, but paused for a moment, as if it was difficult to say.

Jiao Er looked at Li Li sternly, waiting for her to speak.

After a while, Li Li said a little bit awkwardly, "Jiao Er, do you want to hear my story?"

Wen Jiaoer didn't expect that after waiting for a long time, he actually waited for Li Li's words!She couldn't help being annoyed, and said with a stern face, "Why should I listen to your story?"

The indifference just now was just a gesture of Jiao Er's disguise, she just hoped that she would not lose so badly.But now Jiaoer is really angry!She hates Li Li's gossip about him.

She looked at Li Li sharply, but saw Li Li lowered his eyelashes, pursed his thin lips, and looked sad.Her heart softened when she saw it, she bit her lower lip hard, and said, "Speak up! I'm listening!"

"Jiaoer, I know what you're thinking. I'll explain it to you, but wait until I finish telling my story, okay?" Li Li's voice was very soft, and he looked listless.

Jiaoer nodded, which was regarded as acquiescing.

Li Li sat next to Jiaoer, and then said slowly, "I didn't come to the military training before because I hurt my leg, but do you know why I hurt it?"

Jiao'er didn't speak, but signaled Li Li to continue with his eyes.

Li Li hooked the corners of his mouth and said with a wry smile, "I fell from the second floor of my house because I was drunk. For a while after the college entrance examination, I lived on alcohol. My parents can't control me, friend I don’t dare to persuade me. I only listen to one person, but after the college entrance examination, she never contacted me again! She is my geography teacher, a female teacher,” Li Li said, looking at Wen Jiaoer .

When Wen Jiaoer heard this, he was also stunned, but tried his best to restrain his expression, and signaled Li Li to continue talking.

"In the second semester of my second year of high school, she taught geography in our class as an intern teacher. I was the geography class representative in the class at the time, so I got closer to her. She was very cheerful and didn't put on airs as a teacher, so the two of us got closer. We got closer and closer. In the end, the third year of high school came together."

Hearing this, Wen Jiaoer bit her lower lip fiercely, not allowing herself to make any expression, but her hand tightly grasping the bed sheet betrayed her emotions.

"I have been learning singing and dancing since I was a child, and I haven't stopped in high school. My family plans to let me take the art test. But after being with her, I just want to go to the university in Acropolis. At least I don't need long-distance relationships. What an excellent art school. Because my grades were not bad at the time, I could go to a good university with my cultural points. But she told me to go to the Pingcheng Drama Academy. At worst, she would accompany me to Pingcheng in the future. I listened to her and obediently took the exam. Pingcheng Drama Academy, after passing the art exam, she told me to prepare well for the college entrance examination. After the college entrance examination, the two of us went to Iceland to play together. I believed her words, worked hard to prepare for the college entrance examination, and planned to be with her in my heart But how did I know that after the college entrance examination, she lost contact. I was looking for her like crazy. Later, after I found her at her friend, she refused to even see me. I just asked her friend to tell her I said that everything between us is over." Li Li's expression has returned to calm when he said this.

"So? Why did you tell me this?" Jiaoer almost gritted his teeth and said this sentence, and the sentences became fragmented.

"During that time, I was almost like a dead person, living my life in a daze. Later Luo Nian found out, and rushed back from Pingcheng that night, and scolded me severely at my house. I was taken to her, and she took care of me Very strict, I was not allowed to drink. Even if my leg was broken, she would take me out to parties, force me to meet people, and not let me stay in the house. I think if it wasn't for her, I would really be finished. In her After staying there for a while, my mood has basically stabilized. The superficial wound is healed, but the pus is still flowing inside. I thought I would have to go around in her maze for a long time," Li Li paused when he said this , then continued, with an imperceptibly trembling voice, "But I didn't expect that I met you. You will work hard with me to rehearse, wake me up every day, accompany me to the bar to sing, and get drunk I went back to the dormitory. At that time, I only thought of you as a little star who was easy to get along with. I never thought about that. Until the night you had a nightmare, you asked me if you could sleep with me. I hesitated, but I agreed. That night I heard your shallow breathing in my arms, and my heart beat faster. It took me a long time to fall asleep. Afterwards, I told myself that it was just a physiological reaction that every lesbian would have. I lied to myself with this lie for a while, until you went to the bar to find me on Christmas Eve. Your eyes were shining like stars at night, and that's when I knew I couldn't lie to myself."

When Li Li said this, he let out a long breath and continued, "But I never thought that I would get out of her so quickly. Those pains are as real as if they just happened yesterday. But now I... I wanted to think about the relationship between me and you. But I can't hide my liking for this kind of thing. On the day I had dysmenorrhea, it was really good when you rubbed my stomach Gentle, so gentle that I can't help but want to kiss you. I did the same, but I regretted it to death afterwards. I regretted my recklessness, I was afraid that you would turn your face, and it was hard to accept that I could walk out of a relationship so quickly. Afterwards You didn't say anything, and I didn't have the courage to ask. I gave myself a winter vacation to think about our relationship, but I failed." Li Li stopped suddenly when he said this, his voice almost choked, After a long time, I slowly opened my mouth and said, "Because all I was thinking about during the whole winter vacation was you, and I couldn't figure out the relationship between us at all."

Wen Jiaoer lowered her eyes almost the whole time, she didn't have the courage to see what expression Li Li used to finish telling her story.After Li Li was silent for a long time, she slowly raised her head and said, "Are you finished? Are you sure I will promise you? What if I say no?"

The author has something to say:

As for Li Li being les, in fact, hints have already been given earlier.One is Li Li, Lily is Lily in English, everyone knows what Lily means; the other is the "Montmartre Suicide Note" that Li Li has been reading, which is the last book written by Qiu Miaojin, a Taiwanese lesbian writer. It describes the story of her and her girlfriend, as well as her painful emotions after her girlfriend left, which can be considered to be in line with Li Li's past story!

Li Li is a very affectionate person, if she loves someone, she will have no reservations, that's why she told Wen Jiaoer about her past.